Featured Submission: "My life" - by Jasmine
My life
I found this site 2nite because a close friend of mine (a minister) wanted me to see the things on xxxchurch.com, the section about people leaving the porn/adult entertainment industry. I am 24 years old and have been an adult entertainer for 6 years now. I well addmit that I belive in god but the life I live leaves littel room for him. I'm married to a man i met when we were just kids, we got married 3 years ago after he finished serving 9 years in prison. The life we live is an honest living, but we struggel with many problems. As you could imagine a Stripper and A Felon would. Our marriage is not perfect and I guess it is safe to say we are not happy. My husband has made his mistakes but is a good man who loves me dearly, but i often find myself honestly stuggeling to belive in us. All my childhood i grew up poor and in horrible sercumstances, but the things that i wanted the most in my life was to have my own family (change the cycle of abuse and humiliation) and to be succesfull and wealthly at any cost. Hints why I'm a stripper! Anyways more then ever i find myself misrible because i still do not have those things, I am unable to bare children and am broke and losing evrything i suffered working for in this industry,even with a job that brings in alot of cash. more money more problems is right!
My husband and I our once again loosing the life we have built for ourselfs, our home, money, marriage , happines and faith. Once again my husband has become laidoff due to not enough work (he is an electrician) and I find myself more desperate to make a buck! I have never sold myself for sex and well die if it came to that but i've been finding it more tempting to make porn rather than dance, even though the bare thought of it makes me sick. I cant help but think all these years i've sufferd watching, seeing and knowing men get off at looking at me. I've put myself though so much personal pain and suffering to get to where I'm at today, only to find its going to all be lost. I keep daming myself woundering why our lives just can not be ok. I've kicked several drugs including herion and have been on methodone ( a medication used to lessen the pain of withdrawl and cravings) for a year in febuary, which in fact I am detoxing from know because i can no longer pay for it! I've graduated college and have even gotten my guard lic and powers to arrest certification but still i am punished, i suffer and struggel. All i've wanted in life is too be happy to change my family cycle. But instead I go in circles , constintly misrible. I have all these dreams and hopes in life that just seem to be shot down over and over. And know matter what i do , how much money i make things do not get better. If i do not dance there is now way we can pay for the things we owe money on like my car, truck, bedroom set ect. I know these are not things we have to have but these are items i have to continue paying for or all our credit well go down the drain. I know that sounds kind of stupid but its true and on top of that we can not pay our rent or any other bills. We are sinking more and more in dept, even though i keep working hard. We are in a spot now that we have to pull our roots and move on or we'll end up on the streets. The more we sink into dept the more my husband and i grow to hate each other, the money is literly killing our relationship and has us blaming and hating thee other.
I find my self blaming josh because I have to basicly sell myself for money as a dancer and all the things i put up with and go though realy hurt and suck. Men try to buy me evryday and I hate it, I hate ppl always thinking i'm a prostitute or that there is a price tag attached to my ankel. Its degrading but yet I continue to do it to suport us and carry our lifestlye, but then the very person who should know me the most and be on myside treats me as if i were a slut. Always accusing me of doing something with a client because they are jelous and ashamed of themselfs for being unable to provide for us. I'm just so confused , angery and unhappy all the time. I want my life to chang so much and be happy wih the man i once adorred but things just keep getting worse.
My friend beggs me to find god, and tells me god has sent him to help us but i have little faith things can get better. Is my marriage beyond repair, well i ever be able to live outside of this lifestlye, well things ever change? I'm always dwelling on these questions i feel consumed by these troubels. It makes me hate life and myself.
I just want a chance to be happy again.
Jasmine - 24
