I 'aint much, but I'm all I think about.
Hellooo Heartsupport family! Wow! So I have heard that the first blog
entry is the hardest to write, and you know what?...i never agreed with
that statement until now. If you frequently read these blogs, then you
may be wondering why it has taken me so long to write. My name's Katie,
I'm twenty five years old, from southern California, and as Krissee
introduced weeks ago, i am your
new-food-addiction-eating-disorder-very-VERY-imperfect-blog writer. With a disease that thrives on lies and secrets, please know that i am
going to be upfront, straightforward and bluntly honest right from the
beginning here. I'll start by saying: it actually did not take me long
at all to write for this blog. I jumped into a blank document and
started typing the very day i got asked. When it comes to all things
food, body or eating disorder related, i could write and talk for hours
upon hours. However, it HAS taken me foreverrrrr (and everrrrrr) to
actually post for the community to read. So what happened? Well, a few
days happened. Then a few weeks happened. Then it took a couple deep
and humbling conversations with some close friends + a lot of
self-reflection + a lot of self acceptance = a clear picture of how i
am sabotaging myself here... not to mention, neglecting all of you and
this opportunity! I sincerely apologize.
As much as i have grown and completely changed in the past 3.5 years of
my life while ive been in recovery, often i will find myself
subconsciously back at the starting line with certain core issues. And
this time, by "issues" i don't mean binge, purge, or restrict. i am
talking about life and internal battles i fight within myself. That's
what it is really about anyways, eh? What is it with eating disorders
and perfectionism? What is it with these perfectionistic tendencies? I
wonder why i am still having such a tough time, but the better question
is: Why am i still trying to be perfect!!?? Why am i trying to be
perfect when i am writing a blog about eating disorders to a loving
community of supportive people who are anything but judging me? Man, I
am so pooped out, it's exhausting! And unfortunately this happens
all-the-time. From the outside i may appear calm and collected, yet on
the inside writhing, stressed and anxious due to constantly striving
for that of which i cannot and will not ever achieve.
i am thrilled to have the privilege to write for heartsupport.
From the start, my natural instincts took over as i promised myself i
would always write "the absolute BEST A+ PERFECT blog entries" for you
all." So i wrote, then re-wrote...and re-wrote again and again because
nothing was good enough. At the end of the re-writing chaos i convinced
myself that the only solution to stop this madness was to quit this
responsibility entirely. Or not even 'quit', just 'avoid' and fall off
the face of the earth. Uhm, wrong answer Katie! As i learned years ago
in the beginning of my treatment, if i remain lost and drowning in
perfection-land, and/or competing with myself, then i will never get
anything accomplished. Because under those standards, i will NEVER
amount to anything-- i never have, and i never will. Under those
standards everything I do is terrible and no matter the # hours spent,
# on the scale, pounds lost/gained, calories consumed/not consumed,
#purges, # hours exercised, the voice inside me shouts out all of my
faults, while screaming how i could always do better, compete harder or
work faster, puke more, etc. It's "all or nothing", it's "black or
white", it's "XS or XL". What happened to the gray and medium? What
about blue, green, purple and giving myself a break like i freely give
to everyone else? Why is it so hard to treat myself like i treat
others? i want to do it all or i do nothing. i like it or hate it. i
convince myself that i must DO IT PERFECT and come out #1 or i must
QUIT and run away to hide entirely. Run my bank account negative into
the ground, or pinch every penny even with necessary items my life
requires. Skip dinner and be lifeless all evening, or shovel down 25
servings to the point of sickness and hunched over scurrying to the
bathroom is barely possible. On and on the list can go. Over time I've
learned to treat myself with respect and accept myself as i am. BUT it
took intense hard work on myself and my thought patterns to escape this
way of thinking in extremes. As you can see, even still i falter
frequently. Because ohhh yeah guess what? i am human, just like us
all! When you find yourself going around trying to be 'better' or
thinner, or eating less, working out harder working out longer, getting
higher grades than the person next to you, relax and take a
break. Concentrate on giving it your best and accepting yourself as you
are. Then be nice to yourself for the rest of the day. I write all of
this because it is exactly what i am dealing with when it comes to
productivity, and especially my writing these days. It is exactly what
i have dealt with when posting this blog, also in my family, with my
friends, job-hunting and in my support groups as of late. My mind took
a dive to The Land of Extremes, The Land of Perfection, and it's a darn
scary place. I am happy to be free again. More to come..
