Hopelessly in Love

It all started about one year ago. About 2-3 weeks after a major heartbreak/breakup I met someone. My bestfriend was trying to help me out and found me an actual nice guy. We hit it off too, the feelings seemed to be intense since the very first few times we met. We both really thought it was going somewhere and we would talk for hours on end. About a week before our well planned out date I cancelled because I realized things were just too intense and I was just not ready and was not over my ex who I deeply loved. I had too much respect for this new guy and didn't want to lie to him. For some odd reason it was easy for me to just not talk to this new guy as much and before you know it we just stopped talking for the whole summer (i fully blame myself for that because he tried to get into contact with me but I didn't pay attention). During the summer I dated another guy that manipulated me and used me to no end. After he broke up with me I was devasted but a few weeks later I saw "him" again (the nice guy my bestfriend was trying to fix me up with) And again those feelings I once had for him came back. Ever since that day we have been talking every single day (not including this week though). We don't see eachother as much as I'd like but I've been falling for him more and more. For 5-6 months now though things are not going anywhere. I tried so much, asked him out and even told him how I felt but he won't budge. After telling him I fell for him he just started talking to me less and less. The past few days he completely ignores me. This is so hard on me because he has no legit reason to ignore me and we have been through soo much. These past months he has been treating me like a girlfriend but we don't have the label because he's either too confused or too scared of loving again. I've been waiting for him and am faithful eventhough he is not my boyfriend. I have never loved the way I have loved him. He really makes me want to do so much more in my life and live life to the fullest. He's the reason my depression wasnt so bad for these past few months. The genuine guy I have always been looking for is here but not here at the same time. We were so close to dating but instead of taking that step forward, he took 10 giant leaps back. I don't know if he's scared, I don't know if he just changed his mind on how he feels but It hurts. Silence is the worst. I'd rather him say he hated me rather than not hearing from him at all. These past 2 nights have been hell for me, I have been crying myself to sleep and have been drowning in thoughts of him. Everytime I think of a good memory it feels like my heart is being tied in a huge knot. I miss him so much! And after all I do love him but thinking that I might lose him as a friend just because I told him I'm falling for him kills me. Not to mention other factors in my life are making me go crazy. I haven't had a break when it comes to let downs and heartache for about 4-5 years now. Nothing "good" lasts. My mom doesnt even know how to be a mom so I don't have a female figure to confide in, she only degrades me and abuses me mentally and physically from time to time. My dad used to be an alchoholic and now he is coming around but I rarely ever see him due to work. My parents are married but literally hate eachother! Ever since they got married. Figured they'd fall in love once they had a child... But they will not divorce because of me. Somehow I always get in the middle of their arguments and they take all their anger out on me. The one amazingly good friend I have goes to college 4 hours away. I never get to even see my close friends anymore and it seems like I'm stuck. I can only help myself for so long. I can be optimistic to a point but there comes a time where optimism won't bring you good things. I've experiences way too many negative things and I always hope for it to turn around, I always try to stay strong but without a break I won't be able to be sane much longer. I gave my heart to all the wrong people, the people who are closest to me have hurt me the most. That's usually how life goes though. I just don't know what to do. I didn't even list all the negative things that are going on. As for the positive, there isn't too much of that. I'm just happy that those good friends are there for me whenever they can eventhough they are busy for the most part. I just keep on telling myself life will get better for me at some point. Hopefully sooner rather than later.