Pillar and My Depression.

Why I write here ?'
Because I am depressed journalist,song writer, dancer and high-school student.
18 years old. And I have insane thought in my head.
I think that Satan want´s to kill me.

Everyday if i woke up and think about my day, a thought comes into my mind-"You are useless,nobody needs you, you can´t do nothing good, because you have done so much sins."

And about every morning i woke up and my day starts.
I haven´t went for church about two years now, and i can see in my life, that I am destroying myself, my relationships.

I have so much opportunities to do everything i ever dreamed.
I build stages for super musicals like James Blunt, Limp Bizkit.
I even get change to meet n greet them for few minutes.
I write articles to local newspaper, what has 20 000 readers.
I have unbelievable social network.
I know book writers, actors, journalists, who write to big newspapers what got about 300 000 readers everyday.

But still... I feel emptiness, I feel alone.
I am not able to build close relationships with everyone.
If a girl who I like came to talk with me, i felt such a good feeling. But then i went home and started looking at porn.
Now i just ignore him. I ignore him because i love porn stars more than him.

For a two weeks now i have got suicide thoughts everyday.
I have a real plan to end life.

But some light flashes come to my life everyday.
I get e-mails from a friends from Italy, who just say:"I love you, like a friend. And others you know you here loves you to."

Persons, who bullied and teased me years ago..I just meet then accidentally and they have become friendly and caring.

I believe that accidentally meetings and situations are caused by GOD. = )

And that gives me strength. Strenght to live on, to try to pray everyday. To call my former pastor and friend and tell him:
"Do you have time to meet, because I believe that God is helping me, God exists."

Fight continuous..if i do a sin, then i lock one door for a God. And open another for Satan.

And my problem is..how to open doors for God and close them for Satan ?

I listen to band called Pillar. Blessings who reads that.