DISCOVERING THE POSITVE {ED}

I'm FAT! gross! ugly! it's nasty how i look! i need to lose weight! exercise...starve!! purge what u ate fat ass!! Do it! no one likes your ugly ass!! you the meaning of bad .....???? Thoughts were going crazy in my head, i didn't know why i was feeling like this? or what was going on in my life during that time.? I thought everything was "ok" well, i know something was wrong but i guess it was hard to see it and admit it. I started doing what my thoughts were saying to me without knowing why i was doing to myself. i didn't see it wrong, it was NORMAL feeling like that, i was only 11? 12? i don't know how old i was, all i remember is not liking myself since i was in first grade.After that all i did was looking for PERFECTION and i think found it when those thoughts started becoming more deeper into my head.And it was when those NORMAL thoughts started taking over me, my life was going to hell but i didn't think that, it was like i finally got something to help me to solve my problems. I started restricting food,counting calories, exercising and i was still NORMAL, at least thats what i thought at looking how most of the girls at school was doing the same or kind of the same. I see it like a teen stage of life,where every girl do it,i mean, at school it was girls worried about their weight, food, all that so, why not me? The reality was that i wasn't doing it in a HEALTHY way, i might did it in some point but that just took me to more STARVING, VOMITING, OVER EXERCISING,MOOD SWINGS,ANXIETY,DEPRESSION AND SELF INJURE. It wasn't fun anymore, my life was going to hell and everyday it was a fight with myself. The hardest thing was when the secret that i was hiding for years came out. My mom found out and that was the end, i wasn't what she expect. I was getting worse and worse, in and out of the hospitals, going down pounds and it wasn't good enough. Now, it has been two years of treatment, and am not recover but i'm walking into recovery. I've been here and there finding a way of living,sometimes there are days when i ask myself what do i have done to myself? Why did god put me in this situation? why? I lost my childhood and my teen days, high school was not what i plan, all those years were hospitals and i wasn't never at school, i'm 17 and i'm a senior in high school and still not happy but i am hopeful. Things has changed in my life and i don't regret it, i believe that every mistake makes you stronger and thats what it is. I'm in a different place where i realize a lot, yes, i might never had been NORMAL like i wanted, i lost my friends at least i thought they were because real friends don't let you go to hell and give up on you or just be myself. I never got to be anything i plan for my life. But i think what goes around comes around. Now i can say i have the best family ever, i learned that no matter what your family is always going to be there, MOM and DAD won't ever leave you alone and they are the only truth friends that someone would ever have. I still have a lot steps before i get to be recover and i'm not going to say its easy, its not like your sick and a pill will take it away. ANOREXIA and BULIMIA is a mental problem that takes a lot of courage from the person to be recover. It might take days,months and years to be recover but it's still going to be there for the rest of your life, It's about CONTROL. Recovery means having the control over those thoughts using HEALTHY coping skills and not engage in those negative behaviors that destroy yourself. And after all, the person you were before will die and the new person will take all the courage to leave the past and continue with life. I'm still fighting and each day is a big fight but i won't give up, no matter how many has giving up on me I WON"T. it might take my whole life but i will accept myself for who i am.

"NEVER GIVE UP SOMETHING THAT CAN BE A NEW START"

EVERY PERSON IS STRONG ENOUGH TO FIGHT....

I'M ADDICTED & CONSUMED TO ED BUT I'M FIGHTING TO BE FREE IN LIFE....

IT'S NEVER AND END....KEEP FIGHTING!!!