Dying and starting not to care.

350 pounds keeps me from repeating my childhood abuse in men's bedrooms, even if it doesn't keep out of an addiction to porn. They say I need a tracheostomy, but my lungs would collapse with all that weight. My sleep apnea is making me swell up and turn blue and I dream I'm dying. Sometimes I hallucinate when I can't breathe. An eating disorders counselor said my case was too complicated to treat. My regular counselor can't see me more than every two weeks and we either end up doing paperwork for insurance or somebody or wheelchair transport gets me there too late for the appointment. I also have several other handicaps. Including Asperger's Syndrome, like Einstein had, a neurological disorder, which means I'm articulate with a genius IQ, but I have no social skills or understanding of daily living skills. Professionals say I'm smart enough to overcome that but after sixty years I'm still stuck with every body writing me off as being odd and having no successes under my belt. I thought I was used to rejection and could make it alone, just God and me. But I found this church I really like a lot just two blocks away. I felt somewhat accepted there. I knew I was making the pastor nervous and kept trying to talk to him and ease his mind, which was the wrong thing to do. He tried hard to submit to his Christian values of accepting everyone. But he's a devout family man and thought I had a crush on him and could barely stand me. That was my last social contact. I managed to get out of the caffeine and sugar in the name of losing weight and living, but I'm beginning to wonder what my purpose is in trying so hard. I'm not going to have any people to talk to or any life to speak of if I make it and I'm not clear God hasn't abandoned me too. I know I need medication to cope, but it causes weight gain so I can't take it.

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