I Look Like Crap Everyday

I don't know when I develped such horrible eating habits, but this summer I didn't have a job. And all I had to do was lay around. So I gained like, twenty pounds. When you're only 5'5" and already a little chubby, twenty pounds is a SHIT. TON. And now it's like... I know that I look like crap. It's like that feeling you have when you don't take time to plan out what you wear or you don't have time to do your makeup and your entire day sucks because you know you look like a hot mess. Except I can't just go in the bathroom and touch myself up. People that used to stare at me and tell me I was beautiful now look away when I walk by as if I'm too horrible to even look at.
And I know this all sounds pretty pathetic. I'm not even using my real name on this post because I know how ridiculous this is. I always used to be the girl telling her friends that it doesn't matter your size, you can always be beautiful. And confidence is all you need. But... beauty, outter shallow beauty, gives you power in this world. And now that it's gone and it's so hard to lose weight in a healthy way, I feel powerless about EVERYTHING. I'm not on top anymore and it scares me. I feel like no one will hire me because I'm fat and no one will date me because I'm fat. And I knowwww that sounds insane, but I can't get away from the feeling. I'm ashamed to show my face around people that knew me when I was thinner. I hate looking this way and being like this.

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