Life snowballed till I didn't recognize me anymore....

I'm 21 and have extremely LOW self esteem and confidence, to the point I can't even talk in small groups cause I feel like everyone is disgusted and judging me. So I'll start where this began growing up I was always in beauty pageants and modeling. Then in the 9th grade my agency told me I needed to lose weight cause I wouldn't get work otherwise. At this point I was on the tennis team, I began only eating dinner and working out 4-6 hours a day everyday. In one month I had lost 40 lbs. I was 5'6 and 100 lbs. I passed out all the time. I kept myself the same size all four years and the agency stopped using me regardless. So then I felt like I had to find my beauty from guys and just moved from one harmful relationship to the next. I went off to college and began drinking and doing drugs because didn't stick around like the guys in highschool so that helped to numb my pain that I felt. My girlfriends noticed that I wasn't eating and really began to criticize me for it. Slowly I made the switch to binging and now for the last 3 years it has became a chain on my life and I can't control it. But I just want to feel pretty again instead of looking in the mirror and seeing a whale. I doubt that anyone could ever truly love me because even my mother says I'm fat. I don't understand and wish I had control of my life instead of this disorder.

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