Life through the Pain

I faced a lot of rejection in grade school. I had "friends" who only used me and didn't really care about me. I made real friends in Middle School, but by then I was on the search for a boyfriend. All I faced again was rejection from guys. They would act like they liked me, then turn around and ignore me. I felt fat, stupid, and worthless. I began occasional restricting in 7th grade. I went to church, though, and pretended to be the good Christian girl for all my Christian friends and family. But I acted completely different around my other "friends". I swore, and laughed at dirty jokes and gossiped about anyone and was just plain mean to some people.
The summer before my freshman year, I tried purging, but I couldn't get anything out. This upset me so I restricted a little more often. In high school I felt an even greater need to fit in. There were more cliques and there was more pressure to be perfect. I needed to be perfect in band – first chair clarinet in the top band. I needed to be perfect in school – straight As in all my classes. I needed to be the perfect person – acting like a sweet little Christian. All I ended up being was the perfect actress. I wore a million different masks and no one saw through them. No one knew who I really was. I didn’t even know who I was.
I went to church camp and retreats and at times I felt close to God, but I knew I was faking the part. I hated hypocrites, but I was the biggest one I knew. I continued searching for love and attention from guys, and I finally landed a boyfriend my junior year. I was restricting a lot more by then, and then I started purging after dating him for about a month. He was always comparing me to other girls – “Oh look at her! She’s hot.” I felt I wasn’t good enough for him, even though he acted like he was joking. I started cutting after we’d dated 2 months. He never knew about the eating disorder or the cutting. He broke up with me after we’d dated a little over 3 months. It completely broke my heart, but I acted like nothing was wrong. I knew it was coming. I was glad the relationship was over. Everyone believed the lies.
I wasn’t satisfied without a man in my life. I hungered for that attention and “love” (or lust) that I could get from a guy. I started dating a new guy about 2 months after the last one broke up with me. This guy was way worse. He was manipulative, and convinced me to tell him that I loved him when I knew I didn’t, and he convinced me that it was ok for us to make-out after dating a week even though I felt it was wrong. He was controlling, always telling me what was good or bad. I told him about my eating disorder and he thought it was perfectly fine for me to skip meals. He wanted his girl to stay thin. He told me that if his wife ever got fat, he’d kill her. He also told me when he didn’t approve of outfits I wore or if something just didn’t look good on me. My parents thought I was acting suspicious so they read an instant messaging conversation between us in which we discussed my purging habits. After they read that, I completely shut down and would not talk to anyone. They found my journals and discovered that I’d also been cutting. I was so depressed. I just wanted to die. They found an in-patient treatment center called Remuda Ranch and they decided I needed to go there. I didn’t want to go, but I also knew I needed to.
While I was at home, I tried calling out to God, but I just couldn’t find him. The week before I had to go to Remuda, my parents allowed me to go to church camp. I finally found God there. His peace settled over me and I knew everything would be ok. It was still really hard, but I had God by my side.
I went to Remuda for 60 days and I’m so glad I did. I found out I had severe depression, anxiety, and OCD. I had no idea. I made the most incredible friends and I learned skills to fight my eating disorder. It changed my life and helped me tremendously. Now I’m back home and back at school with all the pressures of life surrounding me. I still have perfectionism in my blood, but I know it’s not possible and I’m only striving for excellence now. I have God in my life, and I’m doing my best to keep him at the center of all that I do. I know His plan is way better than anything I can dream of. I just keep praying that He won’t allow me to stray from Him again. I can’t imagine even trying to recover without His help.
Everyone, if you’re struggling, please get help. It may not seem worth it right now, but I’m so glad I got help. I didn’t want it for the longest time, but I’m not sure I’d even be on this earth if I hadn’t gotten it. Cry out to God. He’s not there to get you down, or to punish you or to make you feel bad, but He’s there to hold you while you cry, to pick you up when you fall down, and to heal your broken heart.
I wrote a poem-ish thing that really describes my old and new life. It may not be the most well-written, but I put my heart and soul into it.

Everyone has good somewhere inside of them.
But many bury their good under bitterness and shame.
Several shut themselves down, so no one can see,
Others show their good to cover up their pain.

It’s easy to wear a mask,
to fake you’re someone you’re not.
Everyone does it in their life.
It’s what many are taught.

Miss Independent… I don’t need you or anybody else.
I’ll wear my smile and dress the part.
I can do it all on my own.
No one will see past my walls that are blocking my heart.

On the outside, all can see how perfect I am.
But on the inside I’m perfectly broken.
I’m crying inside, asking for help.
But I’m as silent as if I am choking.

Does anybody see what I’m going through?
No one understands.
No one gets who I really am.

I can’t speak.
My mouth is sealed shut.
I can only tell lies of how good life is.
I feel a pain, a tightening, in the bottom of my gut.

I want to scream LIFE SUCKS at the top of my lungs,
But I’m silent.
The words won’t come.
The air fills up my lungs, but I can only let off a sigh.
Why can’t anybody see?
I feel so torn up inside.
I’m desperate for help.
I can barely even breathe.
God, are you there?
Do you even really care?

I wish I could go back and erase all my scars.
I remember the feel of the metal on my skin,
The razor causing red to run down my leg,
A pool of blood, showing my sin.

I remember kneeling on the bathroom floor,
My hair tied back
And my eyes pooled with water
All I can think of is all that I lack.

I spit more acid into the toilet.
My throat burns and my stomach aches.
I watch it disappear as I wipe my mouth.
I cannot get rid of the taste.

I remember the dark nights,
Lying on my back in my room,
Silently sobbing, while I try to find a moment of peace through sleep,
But sleep does not come easy,
And when it does it is restless and filled with nightmares.

I remember going through the day,
laughing and smiling, pretending everything’s ok.
I remember being exhausted from faking the part
and I remember feeling alone…
Only me and my breaking heart.

I cry out to God again,
Ask him to take me from earth
It’s just not worth it anymore,
But I see His other plans first.

My family and friends finally see my brokenness
And then, I am saved.
No, life’s not great yet,
and I can’t say I’m ok,
but God saved my life
and He’s given me a new day.

I’ve got another chance so I can start over again.
I’m still perfectly broken, but I can see God by my side,
Holding my hand, helping me through.

I’m pushing on hard,
Ready to be healed.
I know it’ll take time,
But my lips are no longer sealed.

I can finally speak,
Share my hurts and pains.
I can finally let others help me,
And walk me through the rain.

I’m here now, God,
I can finally see the light.
I’m ready to give in.
I’m done trying to fight.

Take me over, Lord,
And use me how you will,
‘cuz I can’t do it on my own.
My heart is yours to fill.

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