Missing Pieces

When i look at myself in the mirror, i think only one thing; you. are. fat. my life with food has been an on-going battle ever since i can remeber; youre too fat, you eat too much, dont eat that, here i know you want more, do you ever eat normally, youre habits are so weird, etc. i always knew i had a problem with food. i always would eat and eat and eat just because i could. all in one sitting, but that would be my one meal a day.it wouldnt matter what it was. nothing would make me stop. now, im not what youd call skinny, but by no means am i fat. my eating disorder at that point wasnt serious. after my dad, who is a severe alchohlic, came back to live with us, it was a slap in the face. in november i started cutting myself, and the scars were a daily reminder that my pain was now tangible. by christmas break my boyfriend broke up with me and he was my everything. i had never felt so helpless and out of control in my life. i couldnt control a single thing except what i ate and how. we eventually got back together, but the damage was done. at first i started to chew and spit my food rather than binge and purge. i said, "id never go that far." that lasted maybe two weeks til i took my eating disorder as low as i could go. i became bulimic. for the short few months i was bulimic, i did more damage to myself emotionally than ever before. my bulimia didnt progressivly get worse over a span of a few weeks it was more like days. i was eating nothing but junk food; all of the stuff i wasnt "allowed" to eat. before i was bulimic i was a health food freak. i never ate junk food so when my mom noticed the endless cookies, donuts, chips, any thing bad for you, she started to question me. i was eating enough food to feed at least five people each "session" and throwing up 2 and 3 times a day. i also wasnt actually eating either. that became my life; food was my life and thats all that mattered. i would have rather binged and purged than hang out with friends. in school i thought all day about what food i was going to buy with the money i got to go out with friends. id spend about 60 dollars a week on nothing but food. i had to have my fix when i wanted it. thats all i wanted to do everyday and all day. durning that time period i was missing school at least once a week and my grades dropped like never before. it was the best time of my life...it was the most depressed ive ever been. it didnt matter where i had to throw up: friends house, public bathroom, outside, in my room in a plastic bag, it didnt matter as long as i knew i could get rid of it. my life was completely out of control. i always said when i saw blood that id stop. i didnt though, not for a while, but it was the wake up call i needed. i went on vacation and had to stop binging and purging because 1) i was afraid i was going to be in serious trouble a 2) because i had no privacy to do it. after my vacation i figured i had to end it and i knew i could live without it so i stopped. i think about doing it everyday. i think about will i eat normally, will puke, will i starve. once summer started my boyfriend broke up with me again and i stopped eating. ive been the thinnest ive ever been in a while. it was happening all over again. i started going to church and my 5th week going i found God when i attended c.i.y. it was so hard watching the heartsupport segment, yet it saved me. that week i accepted God into my life for the first time and he showed me his love and kindness and forgiveness. he has given me so much hope and has showed me that im not worthless. i know God has a plan for me and is calling on me to eventually help people with their issues. God has opened so many doors for me to go and seek help. he gave me the strength to finally talk about my issues with people in my youth group and my youth leader, who has spoken to me about a support group at my church. i know now im not alone in my struggles. everyday is a struggle and i know i cant do this alone and that i do need serious help to work through my issues i worked so hard to stuff dwon my throat then flush it all away. i pray everyday for God to help me stay strong and give me strength. i think about throwing up every single day and its been so hard lately, but i know God is with me and will always be with me and that path is not for me to follow. for so long i was looking for something to fill the emptiness in my heart and soul. God has filled that emptiness and was the missing piece in my life. God has forever changed my life.