The Struggle for normalcy

My name is Jennifer and I am struggling with bulimia. It has been off and on but mostly on for 4 years. Growing up I was chunky as a child and was teased for the way I looked by the popular girls. I always tried to be a part of them but never could. I tried all sorts of things from trying to buy designer clothes although my parents could not afford it or else I would bring snacks to school and they would all want what I had and I gladly shared just to be a part of them. But in the end it never made me any more popular. Then probably by the 6th grade my mother would start to make comments and told me that it wouldn't hurt to diet and my grandmother criticized me for being a size 9 at the age of 11 or 12. She encouraged me to eat but at the same time she would just sit there and watch me eat. I overheard my mother talking to my father about my weight and so all of these things really took a toll on my self esteem. I also have a strong belief that I was inappropriately touched by a family member on my mothers side and I have this gut feeling that it was my grandmother who was molested as a child. I have never brought this up to anyone out of fear that it may not be true but it's still a gut feeling that bothers me to this day. While I was growing up my mother and I butted heads because even at a young age I could sense she was very self centered. She would do things to spite me even as a young girl or she would fight with me like she was a child herself and she had told me when I was a freshman in highschool that I was jealous of her. It was really confusing and hurtful because I had never been jealous or had the thought even cross my mind. With my mother and I not getting along I felt empty and started to search for love in all the wrong places. Then in 2004 I weighed 160 pounds with a height of 5'3". I had tried to vomit once before just to see if it would work because I was desperate to lose weight. I didn't like it and never did it again until 2005. I started working out at a local gym and was losing weight but went home one afternoon and binged because I had been restricting my eating and I was never the same after that. I have been battling bulimia for four years now and I also have bouts of depression. I was in therapy for a year but got laid off from my job and was left with no health insurance. To this day I can't visit a therapist or doctor because it is too expensive without health insurance. I was in recovery for three months while in therapy and then when I had to stop I spiraled out of control again. I know what the triggers are but I just keep up this cycle of bingeing and purging. I get upset or my boyfriend will say some hurtful things and I will go home and binge because food is my comfort. It makes me feel safe and no one knows. I am in my own little secret world where I can feel safe. I take measures to make sure that I am not detected such as bingeing and purging when I know that my boyfriend will be at work or when no one is around. I plan binges. I take great measures to clean up and shower and look presentable and it is just so exhausting. I am desperate to feel normal again. I just want this to stop. I cry everytime I fix a meal that I will binge on because I know what I am doing to myself. I get so depressed because my life revolves around food. My moods are mostly sad lately. I sleep excessivley, I am emotionally unstable, I am chronically irritable and I need to see a doctor or psychiatrist but I can't afford it. I came here for support and help or advice because I know that I will continue to spiral out of control and no one is aware. I want to tell my family about it. My sister knows that I had struggled with it in the past but she doesn't know it's returned. I want to tell but at the same time I want that comfort that food provides and it's something in my life that I can control.

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