When will it stop?

3rd Grade: Maybe it was because of my extremely curly red hair, my overweight family history...something, but when I entered this new year I became extremely conscientious about my waist line. When I wore anything, no matter much people could see my figure I sucked it in as long as I could.
4th Grade: November 11, 2002...loss of my brother due to
suicide. I don't know what to say other than that, and even though it's been 8 years I just don't feel like indulging myself in such a memory.
5th Grade-8th Grade: Didn't watch what I ate but I never gained a pound...thank goodness. Yet I still sucked in my stomach and started to suck in ny neck to look defined.
9th Grade: Let's just say my first year of high school wasn't so hot...lost 20 pounds on 6 months but only by starvation and purging. Unfortunately during the summer between 9th and 10th, I gained 10 pound...bring forth self-mutilation. Scraping my legs with sharp brushes, cutting my arms and legs with knives and forcively being clumsy to make it look like I was only being injured "accidentally." Probably had my fair share of suicidal urgencies, but never strong enough to do so...
10th Grade: I gained all of the weight back and plus 5 more...loved the people around me and hated myself.
11th Grade: As of right now I can sum this up as my 8th year of being focused on food and I can't seem to get my mind off of it. I've stopped cutting myself and throwing up, and I've been trusting God more (probably the most I've done since I was 4). Things are looking up but I hate food so much that I sometimes pray that God will get rid of it entirely. Now I have tried so many different styles of dieting...and ever since 6th grade I've probably seen a scale more so than I have seen my best friend. I know what is wrong and what is right but I just don't know how to accomplish. Where has my 'will' gone? Is it gone? When will this be over?

If you feel trapped by your food addiction, there is hope and help available. Whether you struggle with binge eating or another eating disorder, find support at heartsupport.com.