Almost 40 ... and still hurting.

In 19 days I will be 40.

25 years ago I tried to kill myself, but woke up my mom and was berated on the way to the ER for not leaving a note.

22 years ago I made a true commitment to Christ.

20 years ago I was raped. And I still blame myself for it - despite what everyone says.

6 1/2 years ago our only biological child was born-still.

6 months ago I started cutting to physically feel the pain that was tearing me up inside

4 months ago I was in intensive depression treatment.

3 months ago I purchased a 'stash' of pills to hide - just in case the pain got too bad.

1 week ago I had to convince a sheriff's deputy I wasn't suicidal and had no plans ... while my kids were in the tub and I was trying to order pizza for dinner on the phone.

The pain hasn't gone away. The pain hasn't lessened. Loneliness is eating away at me.

It is better to withdraw and be silent when face to face with people than to let them see the pain. the hurt.

It is better to seemingly function as a mother and wife and hide the pain and fear and self-hate.

but - I dreamed I'd be almost 40 and still hurting.

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