If God Isn't Real, Then My Life Isn't Real Either

I'm a 15 year old girl. I've been raised my whole life in a Christian home with both of my parents. When I was in 6th grade my mom got pregnant and had a boy, who is my only sibling. Before she had him I was just a really sad kid for no explainable reason. I'd go long periods of time without saying anything to anyone. I just figured my sadness was normal. Then my brother came into the world and people in my family started dying. I was confused and sad. In 7th grade I put on a smile for everyone, although no one believed my smile. There was a kid in my math class that I knew who cut himself. For whatever reason this looked really pleasing to me, so I started to hurt myself in small ways. I'd take a pencil and scratch at my arm. In 8th grade everything went way downhill. My church closed down and I lost a bunch of friends. I started to get even more depressed. I began to use needles to cut myself. Not really hard, but enough to leave some scars. I mostly cut my lips, though. My parents took me out of school so I could be homeschool. Every day I though about killing myself. December 19th I was prepared. I got some scissors ready, my parents were out, and I had convinced myself to just end it all. I loved music, so of course I had music playing. The song "To Whom It May Concern" by UnderOath came on. "So hold your head up high and know it's not the end of the road." I couldn't do it. I put the scissors down and cried and prayed and cried more. During this time period I started doing inhalants sometimes. Somehow, I lived. In the end of March I started going to a youth group and in the beginning of April I went back to school. In 9th grade I fell back into the depression. I lost more friends. I was still cutting sometimes. I still wanted to kill myself. I started watching porn. I started doing inhalants again. I was making all of the wrong friends and putting on a face for church. I started hearing voices. I started having anxiety attacks. I started to get violent. Somehow, I got out of it. All I can say is that God is good. A few weeks ago I started to address my porn problem and I told my mom everything about me. Turns out on December 19th God told her that I wasn't doing so well. I'm still not the happiest person, and I definitely don't have it all together. I'm about to go into 10th grade, and I'm excited to see what God has in store. All I have to say to anyone dealing with one or more of these problems is to have hope and know that there is a God that loves you very much.

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