I know I'll be okay.

About a year ago, my dad walked out on me and my mom. He just basically threw his middle finger up in the air and said "fuck you." I've been dealing with constant arguing between my mom and him. First it was about how it was a fifteen year marriage that he threw away, blah blah blah. All the fighting they did was done right in front of me. The months went by and I suspected my dad had a girlfriend. Yeah, it's not a big deal really that he has a girlfriend I mean him and my mom are done right? Yeah, well when he's swearing on his daughter's life (me) it turns into a big deal when you KNOW that he's lying. When you KNOW he has a girl. I've found her stuff, I've seen pictures of her on his phone.. I mean.. he's just a sick person. He puts me second. I'm his daughter. There's only one time I can recall when he actually put me first and it was the night I was 5 seconds away from being either dead or in the hospital because I couldn't take anything anymore. So much drama was going on at school, I was still torn over having my heart broken, I was struggling with my school grades, I was trying to keep my friends happy and not fuck up any of my friendships because I needed those friends. I needed people there. I needed to know that I always had somebody to turn to and I did. I was going through so much. And yeah, I know that there's other people out there in the world my age that have it ten times worse than me.. but I mean damn. No kid should have to put up with anything like this, ya know? Well anyway.. the summer went by and I got really, extremely, unbelievably close to this girl named Christine. I really had never had such a more stronger friendship with ANYONE like I did her. She was my rock. She was the person who I told every secret to, she's the one who would answer my phone calls and listen to me crying because of something that happened, she's the one person that stuck by my side and constantly reminded me that she'd never leave my side. Ever. Well then, we found out that we weren't going to be at the same High School together. It's our freshman year and we aren't going to be with each other and we had an emotional break down together, for like two hours, because we were going to be split apart. I kept telling her that it was going to be okay, that we were going to do anything and everything to make our friendship as strong as it was. But the thing is, I KNEW that it wasn't going to last. I KNEW we were going to end up drifting apart from each other. But I told her that we wouldn't because I was trying to make myself believe that maybe we would be able to stick it out. Well, I lost her. I lost the best thing that happened to me. I lost the one person who I could count on the most. I lost her because of a big mistake I made. I'm not going to say what the mistake was but everything I lied to her about, I owned up to it and I took the blame for everything. I apologized to her countless times and all I kept getting was "fuck you, I'm done." bull shit. So yeah. Then the next day, my mom tells me the same thing, "fuck you Heather, I'm done with you." and plus I got told that by five other people? I felt hated. The only thing I could think of was suicide and running away. I couldn't run away because I had no where to do. So I thought long and hard all day of ways I could successfully kill myself because I was done with myself just like everybody else was. I didn't matter to anyone so why the hell am I still here? So what I want to know is why I'm still here. What is so great that is going to happen to me, that God is keeping me here..?

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