Silent Struggle

I feel as though I'm a prisoner trapped inside my own body. Stumbling over my frustrations & choking on my thoughts. All I want is to be happy, to fill this void inside of me that leaves me empty & broken. I wonder to myself, why can't I just be like everyone else? Why must I feel this way? I don't find joy in the simple things like I used to. Joy, in any form for that matter, seems like an illusion beyond my reach & as I contemplate searching yet again, I'm stopped cold by the taunting reality of pessimism. Routines similar to a color by numbers define my every move & leave me dull & hardened. A task as simple as getting out of bed drains me past healthy limits. Everything enveloping me, including my very life, seems pointless. Hopeless. The only satisfaction to be had stems from the twisted ways of masochism & drips with the false high of temporary solutions. I've become insistent, bordering desperate, to curb the emptiness with anything & everything that may cease the pain. To feel alive, even for a split second before I spiral back down into the depths where my soul resides, would be enough. As I look out at the world aglow with smiling faces, I realize they are but a reflection of my own fake masquerade. The eyes I casually use to meet the glances of others fail to convey how I see the world. I wonder if anyone can see the pain that encloses them & resonates behind my skull to the core of my heart. Let's hope not, for if they have, my cover is blown. Who will cry for the little girl who has nothing left to form tears? Will anyone even remember she was here if she left this life in search of a better one? For now, she must continue her silent struggle behind the impression she powders on for others every morning. Outside she appears strong, but inside the waters rage as she gasps for air in between waves of debilitating emotion.

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