Letting it all go....

Hey, I wrote something on here a while ago...something full of sadness and loss of hope. At that point I felt like I could never move on, never be normal. I treated depression with cutting and moping. Even if I could i refused to see the sunshine in all of those amazing situations. About a couple of months after I actually realized I was missing something. It wasn't something my long distance relationship could solve, nothing my friends could solve. I found I was missing something more. I learned how to take all my pain and fear and grief and completely turn it over to God. This process included coming to church screaming (Quite literally) from the pain, in a bathroom...alone with Satan. I found him and felt as though life was amazing...Satan moved in though...he fought God for my heart and all i could do was let what ever happened happen. Satan took over me again....he stole my heart from God and sent me into the worst recession I had been through. On the way home from a softball game about 3 weeks ago, I was talking to my coach/professor and he told me something that had been slammed into my head several times that week. Demons may not be able to possess Christians, but what they can do with your thoughts can go a long way! What they can do to you internally can send you into depression. As crazy as it sounds, WE AS CHRISTIANS can cast them out. As long as we have the power of God depression doesn't have to bind us! Stress is nothing and we can even heal the sick. I have changed so much that I have even come up with a comedy show on youtube. Its how I have learned to express myself. Now, not to make this longer, but here is something that I wrote a couple of months after I carved a pentagram in my arm:

"Life Pretty messed up!"

Soo, I realize how much I hate the world. It tells us we're imperfect, useless, worthless...and the worst thing is all we do is take it in. Let it soak up in our bones....let it say our bodies don't look good enough, that our face is imperfect...that everyone hates us....that we need that knife that you hide in your dresser drawer. The world tells us to fight with our parents, cause THEM the pain the cause US. The truth is, it makes me sick, litterally like on the verge of retching, to read about some of the things people have done. Vomiting to get rid of fat that most likely isn't there, starving yourself to make yourself look bone thin? I just wish I could go and hug them, all of them. All they...all WE need is someone to hug us, tell us its ok.....tell us we're not too fat, too weird, too "emo", too far gone, too stupid...etc etc. I just want to tell them to IGNORE all of it!! To let them know that it doesn't have to be like this, that people care, that I care if no one else.....I want everyone to be drunk on Jesus, not alcohol. To have that feeling of love and joy....I am so confused about my own life and sometimes I feel bad that I can't just be there for all those people who I don't even know, express my love to those who I do know.......If you're reading this right now and you are "classified" in something that I listed or something that I left off, just know that I am praying for you and I care...you're the ones that I cry about everyday....the ones who I just want to let you know so strongly that you are beautiful and wonderful and you don't need cutting and depression! I was there...I am still there...I am still a cutter, I am still depressed....I want you to know the same thing people have told you over and over again...you're not alone. But I do not mean this in the same sense...I mean that Christ is right there with you. too many people brush that off...but Jesus went through the same things as us. While he was on Earth he suffered ten times what we suffer everyday...why? because he was watching everyone he loved suffer....he was perfection looking at the imperfection of the world! He suffered sadness, deep sadness, anger, temptation, unfairness......EVERYTHING. and trust me, I know that it seems like He isn't there and like you HAVE to depend on other things, but he is there, he's right there with you. All you have to do is reach out to Him, let Him know you need Him. Humble yourself...... And to those who think your life is pretty daggon good....I am in awe of you...my life has not been that for years...I get the glimpses of what it was when I am with my eldest brother in his car jammin to Relient K and screaming my lungs out.....but honestly....You are sooo lucky and I am not meaning to make you feel bad at all....All I mean is that you are such a blessing to those around you... those who are overwhelmed! You're the ones they can depend on and stay close to God, please everyone. He is so wonderful and he puts us through trials so we can strengthen our faith and learn......please. don't give up whatever it is you suffer through! You are loved......so if you are bulimic. I never have been, but I heard my cousin while she made herself vomit. If you're anorexic, so was my cousin! If you're a cutter, I am as well, I saw my cousins scars and attempt to kill herself. If you're suicidal, I watched my cousin run from my sister with a knife in the middle of an attempt, I have attempted it myself...if you're depressed, so am I...and if you're hopeless, find your comfort in Christ and him alone. Don't depend on the people around you. People leave you and betray you, but Christ, he is forever! I can not name everything that people suffer......but just know that you're loved! I heard from someone who wasn't very close but is now that "Depression (Issues/problems) aren't who you are, its what you're going through" and its as Relient K wisely states "Who I am hates who I've been!" This isn't you. its what you suffer and it can change....this isn't what God wants for you, but its what you need for training for Him......If this isn't who you are than you don't have to be it. And I know its hard, trust me, I know its hard.. I taught in the nursery this past week and they were learning about "God's gift to Mary" and how Gabriel said that "Anything is possible with Christ" that is so true tho...ANYTHING is possible with Christ.....

I hope you can find a way through your pain and I hope you know that GOD is always there, when your friends aren't, your counselors aren't, your parents aren't, GOD is!!

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