I'm sorry I broke my promise

Hate... I always have hated myself...
A year ago, I decided to scratch my arm until it bled... it felt like hitting your enemy... justice, good. I had hurt my enemy. The hurt felt so much like the punishment I deserved.
A month ago, when I remembered how much I hated myself, and I remembered the past, what I've done, I decided to draw on my arm... yeah, just draw, innocent, never bleeding... by scratching the skin until it turned white, then red... I punished myself for my past. But I was always too scared to really do harm, to even make it bleed. It never bled, I was to scared to bleed, too afraid to really do it.
I wish I could have really done it when I was free to, before anyone knew I wanted to. Before anyone cared.
A week ago, I made a promise... I said I wouldn't hurt myself anymore, wouldn't make designs on my arm anymore...
And I've broken that promise, twice now.
I scratched lines and Xs all over my arm...
I made one solitary bleeding scratch, the rest just turned white, then red...
They went away before my mother could see them.
That's why I don't dig deep.
I don't want her to see what I do to myself.
I blamed that one solitary scar on my cat.
And I thought I could quit hurting myself then.
I promised I'd stop.
But one day in my Geometry class, I sat with my friend, who reminded me of how much I loved making lines, words, Xs, drawings on my arm...
We slashed our arms together, we turned our own arms red with the scratching and the marks...
And now I'm addicted again.
I don't feel right anymore until I slash at my arm, I don't feel like I can think right.
But I can't do that anymore...
I promised.
I promised twice, three times now, that I'd stop.
But I can't, I can't when I'm alone.
I never know if I will break my promise again.
He says he hates to see me hurt myself...
He asked me not to slash at my arm.
I love him so much, I'd to do anything for him.
I'd kill myself in a heartbeat for him,
I'd give up everything to save him.
ButI can't keep my one promise to him that I would stop hurting myself.
I'm sorry.