Relapse

I've written here once before, Declaring my fondness of cutting, but also my wanting to stop. I did stop. For a while, anyways.

I've been on a cutting beinge for the last few weeks, and i am so depressed. I can't focus, and I can't stay in a consistent mood very long. I can't do my essays, I can't study for my midterms, i just sit cooped up in my room for hours on end, staring at my computer screen, trying to get my mood to change.

Everyone that knows about my cutting thinks i've stopped permanently, but i haven't. I feel like i can't talk to anyone about it, because i don't want to disapoint them again. I've started restricing my food, then beinge eating. My patterns of self destruction keep getting worse, but my pride and fear prevent me from getting help.

I am a leader at a jr youth group. I am supposed to be an example, but i can't seem to get myself together again.

I feel so hopeless, so lost.

I just need to know it will be ok. I need someone to tell me I am valued, that i actually matter.

I could be that person that quietly sits in the corner, miding my own buisness, hiding the scars of a blade beneath thick denim. I am that person that just needs someone to listen, someone that won't judge me.

Someone to tell me I am loved

Tell me that Jesus still cares. Tell me Jesus loves me, and my scars.