I just need to know someone is listening...

I just need to get this all out...
At fourteen i had been completely innocent. I had been sheltered as the youth ministers daughter and thats what everyone expected of me. perfection. I thought all the sexual abuse stories were not like they seemed and i thought tha it would never happen to me... but boy was i wrong...
Fall of my junior year... my best friend (who was actually my ex) and i were hanging out like any other day. But as we were watching TV he started kissing me. i hadn't kissed him in over a year so i shoved him away. But that didn't stop him. before long he had my top off and was in my pants. But before he actually had sex with me he all of the sudden stopped. Long story short it took me a few days to realize what had happened. Maybe even a month or so. But then i realized he had molseted me. It spiraled me into a depression that i still struggle with today, even on medication. But i eventually learned to move on.
This past fall of Senior year...
I started dating a guy this summer. He was sweet at first and i ended up really liking him. He would try and do things with me and at first it didnt seem "too bad" to me so i let it go. that was a big mistake. He started trying to do more but i told him he had to stop or it was over. But it didn't stop him. SO i told him i was going to end things and he said he would kill himself. and I care too much about people and i know i could never live with the guilt i would feel if he ever did that. i honestly didn't wanna lose him at the time. so i continued to put up with the molestion for a few months... i would get upset, he would apologize, i would forgive him, he'd do it again. It happened over and over and over again. at LEAST oncr a week...
One day we were going to a friend's halloweeen party... but... he had me in his car... and that night he raped me. i had never had sex before. and it hurt so bad but he didn't even seem to care. The more i fought him off the more abusive he got. i had bruises all over my chest, stomach, arms, back, and upper legs, and thighs... After that he told me to go to the party with him... so he held my arm as we drove there... He pulled over a few times and did it again and again... he did it three more times before we even got to the party... and another time on the way home.... That was the night i decided i needed to break up with him.
i told a close adult friend that i wanted to break up with him but he said he would kill himself. they didn't know what happened but they helped me keep the guy away from me... but he still tries to talk to me sometimes and he almost stalks me. and he also goes to my church which makes everything so much harder...
i just want to know that someone is listening... i feel like i have been crying out for help but no one will even care enough to listen... I have a friend now who i finally told what happened... but they dont know how to help me because they dont understand at all...
But please... if you read this... please just leave a comment... i need help getting rid of the memories... and i feel like i'm worthless... i don't know what to do anymore...

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