The Sickening taste of Relapse

I have been part of a recovery program for sexual addiction for a little over a year. When I started, I was so ready to be transparent. I mean after 15 years + of sexual addiction, I was tired and would do anything. I disappointed my wife, but she was and is still very supportive. I went for 8 months without looking or masturbating to pornography.

Then I had what is called a violation. I looked at a porn site.

Truthfully, the violation ended with looking. I called an accountability partner, submitted to consequences, told my spouse, and it was over. However, I started to fall out of sync with the group due to a new job and began to slack on my meetings. 1 month later, I violated more boundaries-this time I looked and masturbated.

I did confess to my group, and for a month I thought I hit only a small bump in the road. However, I found a way to access pornography and did not immediately tell anyone. I mean, I has stopped consistently going to group as soon as my mentor moved away. So I lost the habit of calling someone.

Then, I began to look and masturbate to porn more consistently, until know, at at year in recovery, I am in relapse. I have not gone one day in the past month without violating a boundary...without finding porn and masturbating.

I see myself sinking into the cycle of addiction. This time it could cost me my job.

I want to go back to the months of sobriety that I had, but I do not want to confess. I hate showing weakness, I hate seeing my wife's face when she feels betrayed. I hate the possible judgements from others. I know that confessing to others is the only way to move on, but I can't do it yet.

I wanted to start here, because hopefully this anonymous confession will help me make this confession real.

I have been lying for too long. To myself and others. I am tired of it.

Please pray for an anonymous person. Pray that I can have courage to change the things I can.

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