The Truth
I feel very disillusioned today… I found out that someone very close to me is struggling with porn. I found this out by accidentally opening his history on his computer. I did not mean to, but there it was. Now it is like a white elephant in the room with me. I understand porn, but only from my point of view, which is very limited. I wish that I could speak to him about it, but it is too scary for me to think of because you see this person is my Dad. He is still my hero, but in a moment of accident, which has God hand all over it, I found out his dirty secret.
My dirty little secret. You see this is an issue that I have been struggling with since I was 14/15. It has been going on for so long that at this point I cannot even tell you when it started. What a sad fact of my life at this point. I am only 21, turning 22 in a week, and I cannot tell you when my battle began.
It started one day when I was searching my mother’s closet. I was a really bratty kid that liked to look at all of the things that a person had. My mom’s closet has a secret room, which I was not to know about, but the realtor opened it when I was near by. On this day when everyone else from my family was going I went in and looked around. I was looking in a crest that was in there and I found some VHS tapes. Being the nosy kid I was I wanted to play them to see what was on them. They were porn tapes of my parents.
That is how it happened. From there little by little I become more and more interested in sex and the feelings and thoughts that the videos gave me a glimpse into. Let’s face it sex is an enjoyable thing that most people LOVE to do and think about. I was no different even at 14 or 15. I do not think that anyone is.
From these tapes I started to branch out. I found websites after websites of free porn. I was slowly becoming addicted it. When and if I was able to I was watching porn. It started to affect more things that you would think. My relationships were changing little by little. I was growing more and more upset at myself that I took it out on my family. On myself.
My mind began to change how it viewed the world. Since your perception becomes your reality over time. My perception changed became perverted and even years later stayed that way and in some became worst. Sex was no longer just an idea that I had, but I could see what it was about. Scenes would fill my mind with no room for anything else. From this I wanted it. In anyway I could get it.
I seduced my sister. There are only a few things that I regret in my life. This is number one on the list. This perverted action was not hard because she had walked in on my watching porn and she had become addicted to it also. All because of me.
In case you did not know I am a girl, so we fooled around and experienced some things. Never going to far aka having an orgasm, but we did play around a lot. This is the abomination that keeps my up at night. I messed my sister pretty bad and for a long time afterwards she was very angry with me. I was angry at myself and in some ways I still am.
I am to protect her, not lead her into a trap: one that destroys so easily. A trap that distorts your reality. If you are addicted to anything you know what I mean.
I am a porn addict and I want to stop. I do not want my kids to follow this path that I am on. I do not want anyone on this path. I, in this respect, do not want to follow in my Dad's foot steps.
Back to my dad: I knew from my sister, who had told our parents her struggle, that he had had a issue with porn in the past. I did not realize that it was still an issue. I wish that this gave me hope that maybe one day this parasite on my soul would be put to rest, instead I was given a dose of reality. My hero has a flaw. This made me sit back and think of all the flaws that humanity has, myself included.
Hopefully one day there will be less flaws in me… after all I am a work in progress.
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