My Story In My Words.
I believe that everyone has a story. I am publicly sharing mine in hopes to encourage you to share yours.
-------------------------------------------------------------------I am MJ, I was born in South Carolina but I now live in Georgia.
-------------------------------------------------------------------I was born in Charleston SC, and a few years later my family and I moved to Florida. Shortly after the move to Florida we moved to GA. I have lived in 6 different houses, and in three different states. I have moved schools 11 times in 12 years.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
As a result of having to move so many times I never had a “group” of friends, I have always been tossed from school to school making it hard to keep a constant friend. I always felt lonely, and left out. I would never share my feelings with anyone, and I was nervous to talk about anything that has to do with “emotions.” I was so nervous to talk about these “things” because for my entire life I have kept everything built up on the inside. I never had a friend I could call, or a group I could vent to during school. I constantly found myself alone and depressed on the weekends but I never mentioned how I felt to anyone. I could only handle so much of this emotional baggage until I had to empty it somewhere.
-------------------------------------------------------------------I was 12 years old when I drank and used drugs for the first time. The instant I felt this comfort in being hazy minded I fell in love. I fell in love with the feeling of being intoxicated. Being 12 it was hard for me to get alcohol, and nearly impossible for me to find drugs amongst my peers at school. I moved schools the summer after my first encounter with substances.
-------------------------------------------------------------------It was the beginning of 8th grade, and I was going into this new school looking for anyone who would accept me. I quickly fell into the “preps” and realized even quicker that this was not where I belonged. I left these “friends” and moved onto the next people who wanted to meet the new girl. I have always heard the term, “Misery Enjoys Company” and I now understand the meaning behind it. I fell into the group of kids who, like me, enjoyed being high or drunk. I was accepted into this group, and for the first time in my life I felt loved and welcomed. I was able to escape my pain in life, and have friends at the same time! For a while I felt as if I were on top of the world.
-------------------------------------------------------------------A constant blur of parties, drunken nights, and long highs describe the next 3 years of my life. I went to school using my grades as a cover up for the crazy life style I was living beneath what the average person could see. During these 3 years I was still in church, and I was even going on mission trips. I was the best actress, but still no one saw my act. I was pretending to be this innocent little girl who does everything right, and gets great grades. What many people didn’t realize was that I was dying on the inside. My way of coping with my problems in life wasn’t working anymore. It was then that I began to feel insanity creeping into my life. The insanity I am talking about is not the kind of the actual brain, but of the mind. To be insane is to make the same choices over and over knowing that your choice will result in the same outcome every single time. As strange as it may sound, I would make the same choices(using substances to cope) over and over. Every single time I knew that I wake up the next morning wishing that I wouldn't have done it, or I found myself rapidly searching for more of whatever “IT” was the night before. I did this only to cope with the guilt I felt for using substances in the first place. It was a constant routine of this for 3 years. I was stuck on a marry-go-round, and could never find a comfortable place to get off. I was never comfortable enough with myself or with my choices to hop off the crazy “ride” and continue with my life. The inability to get off of this wild “ride” was also stemming from the fact that I couldn't. These are small pieces of my journals during this time of my life:
“I hate this for myself. I feel like its’ almost an addiction. I cannot escape it, and it sucks. I want out of it so much, but when, just when will it happen?? I’m getting so pissed that I cannot stop it alone. I’m scared, I’m prideful—and I don’t want help…I know I need it though...”
“When I get upset I cannot help but to think of a distraction to my problems. At that moment in time I am looking for anyone, anything to distract me. I came up with drawing on my wall as an outlet, but my markers are running out and I have no more money. Last night was horrible. I had a bad day. I got home and my friends ditched me, my mom was yelling at me, and I got grounded for something I didn’t do! So this resulted in me using..AGAIN!! When I am there, in the moment I cannot stop myself. My mind tells me, ‘it’s bad! Don’t go it!!’ But then my body tells me different. My body is telling me that I need it, and I HAVE to have it. I’m so confused, and I don’t know what to do. I hate the word addiction, but is this what it is?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I would not say that I am addicted to one drug in particular but I am addicted to the way that a high or a drunken time makes me feel. (I say this in present tense[I AM] because once a person is an addict, it never goes away) I was obsessed with staying in this world where everything seemed perfect until it became unmanageable. When my life became unmanageable I still did not want to reach out and seek help. I was determined that I was going to be able to control my life on my own. I was too prideful to ask for help, and it seemed to be that if I ever did ask for help it was denied to me. I secretly wanted help, but pride got in my way.
-------------------------------------------------------------------At this point in my life I was in a dark place, I was the person who was full of pain and misery. I hated life, and I wanted to die. There was never a day I woke up excited to do something for 3 years straight, I woke up feeling as though breathing was a burden. I would contemplate killing myself, but I was never able to build enough strength to pull a trigger. During the midst of these thoughts I thought about God. I felt as though I had been a complete failure and the only prayer I was saying to God at this point was one asking Him to take my life so I wouldn’t have to wake up in the morning and live another day in what I thought was hell. I wanted to die more than I wanted to live. I felt as if I had failed everyone in my life, and I felt that no one wanted to be a part of me because of how bad I had messed up. The way I looked at it was that there was no point in living after al I had messed up. I wrote poetry to overcome my emotions when they rushed at me, and a few of them are posted here, on the website. (Lost Fight &Just Thoughts)
-------------------------------------------------------------------Not long after I wrote the poem, Just Thoughts I met a couple that soon became my friend and mentor. They were there for me anytime I needed something, and even invited me to their house on the weekends to hang out and talk. They would never force me to talk, or shove God in face. They were understanding of my problems, and gave me some of the greatest advice I will ever receive. For a very long time I felt as though I was not worth anyones time and that I had no purpose for living on this earth. When I began to share these thoughts I had about myself my friends told me the exact opposite and because I trusted them I soon began to believe that what they were telling me was true. This couple showed me that my life is worth living, and that God has a purpose for my life. These friends have been the only ones to stick with me through the hardest times of my life. They made a promise to me that things will get better, and the promise remains unbroken.
-------------------------------------------------------------------Through all of these situations in my life I have found that God is the real solution to any problem. God has proven Himself to me over and over. He has shown me that He is a God of love, mercy, forgiveness, and peace. The God I know accepts me for who I am, and for my past mistakes. He loves me enough to forgive me of my “past” and He welcomes me into His arms as He would welcome anyone else. I have always known that following God was the right thing to do, but I never found it to be appealing. I am so grateful that I have chosen to follow a God who loves me more than I can imagine. My decision to put my trust in God was made at a time of desperation. I was in a place where I couldn’t run from life anymore, and I had to face what I wanted to run from. After making this decision my problems didn’t vanish like my life was a magic trick, they were still there but I had support I could lean on in a time of need. By trusting God I was able to pray, and truly believe that there is God worth believing in. God has captivated my heart with His promises and His love for me. Even with my life in God’s control I still have problems, but having the knowledge that no problem is too great for God overrides any disbelief or doubt.
-------------------------------------------------------------------God can fix any problem you have in your life. He does not judge anyone for their wrongdoings, or their past, instead He accepts everyone for who they are in that moment. There is no certain way a Christian needs to look, dress, act or even talk. At the church I go to there are men with mohawks, and women with harley-davidson bikes, the best part is that God loves them just as much as He loves the person wearing a coat and tie sitting in the front row at church. God is accepting of us, no matter what issues we deal with. God has the ability to do whatever He wants, and this includes healing you of your painful wounds that you have accumulated over the years of your life. He can heal people from addiction to drugs, alcohol, pornography, self-injury, and any other addiction imaginable. He can heal you of depression and self-hate. He will restore you from your brokenness, and bring you to believe in hope again..
-------------------------------------------------------------------Thank you to all the people who have repeatedly called me and left voice mail after voice mail until I eventually called you back, to the people who texted me daily to be sure I made it through the night, and to the people who haven’t stopped believing in me. I feel blessed to have been able to cross tracks with so many wonderful people. It is my prayer that everyone who reads my story has been able to see the restoration from my brokenness. I pray that everyone who reads this story sees that restoration is possible, and there is no situation that God cannot handle. I pray that you are able to find hope in a dark place, and realize that there is a light at the end of every dark tunnel.
-------------------------------------------------------------------I have learned that hope is everywhere you allow it to be. I have found that in every situation there is hope; no matter how hard your circumstances may be. The word hope states a promise. It states that there is something better than what you are going through right now, it promises us that there is something bigger and better waiting for us in our future. If we can only grasp the word hope and hold it close to us throughout hard times we will find it a lot easier to have a smile on our face..even in the toughest situation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The few issues I have talked about are real, and they are happening at this very moment with so many people. These are issues that need to be talked about, and not avoided. Join with me, and bring awareness to the hidden problems that so many of us are facing on a daily basis.
-------------------------------------------------------------------Even though I have overcome these obstacles in my life, I still struggle. I am no where near perfect, and I will never pretend to be. My story is not over yet, and I will continue to write...
www.brokenwithhope.com
Are you struggling with a sex addiction? Find sexaholic support, treatment and recovery at heartsupport.com.
