Counselors

Addiction

Question: Why is it everytime something goes wrong in my life, I Immediately run to porn?

Answer: Great question Joey. Because you are using porn as an exscape from your problems. This is a common behavior, but a bad way to try to cope with your problems.

The right way is to hit the problems head on. Don't run from the problem, but choose to deal with the problem when it comes up. If you use other ways to try to cope, you will just create a bad habit or addiction.

If you see this as a pattern pr trend to how you normally react, you need to learn how to change your knee jerk reaction. You can do this through counseling. They will teach you how to deal with you problems head on rather then running. If you just try to change the habit (porn) and do not learn how to address and work through your problems, all you will do is replace one bad habit with a new bad habit to take it's place. Blessings.

Joey | Oct. 30th, 07

eating disorders

Question: Hi..two months ago, I was bulimic. Since then I have still struggled with not wanting to eat. I know that my friends and family are expecting me to still throw up, but it is easier to hide the fact that I eat or don't eat. When I am with others, I will go ahead and eat a small meal, however, if no one is around, I will not eat. I know that I am made to be beautful and in God's eyes He loves me for who He created me to be. However, I still have this fear of being fat...how can I overcome this? I am afraid to talk to my pastors about it and I can't afford a pshychologist or counselor.

I know that I have a powerful calling on my life and I want to reach that calling, but I feel stuck in this place? What can I do to overcome this once and for all?

Answer: hello Christina. Change is hard. And it definitely is hard to change on our own. The benefit of you going to a counselor is to learn new ways of looking at your habit, and to learn what is causing you to veiw yourself so harshly. You would be surprised on how counseling can be affordable. Look for a counseling agency that offers a sliding scale fee program. Plus, counseling is a investment. If you want to get better, you need to invest in it. And it is a financial sacrifice, but it is worth it.

I would recommend that you do not go to a pastor inlieu of counseling. A pastor is a great way to get support, but they are not trained in anorexia/ bulimia behavioral modification.

Christina, you need to find out what is behind you wanting to control your eating. It is probably more then just you not wanting to get fat. Either way, get help, your habit does not control you, you control it.

You are right, you are a valued child of God, and you can beat this thing....trust me, others have gone before you and have succeeded....and you are NO different. Blessings.

Christina | Nov. 1st, 07

Seasonally Depressed

Question: I tend to get depressed around the Fall season, Why is that? It seems to happen to me every year about this time.

Answer: This depression almost always begin and end around the same time of the year because it is triggered and turned off by shifts in the length of the day/night cycle.

People who suffer from seasonal depression or seasonal affective disorder (SAD) are especially sensitive to the diminishing hours of daylight in the late fall or early winter and go into a kind of depressive hibernation. The episodes usually begin in November or December, are at their worst in December and January, and usually improve with the lengthening of daylight in the spring.

More info on seasonal affective disorder can be found <a href="http://www.holisticonline.com/hol_sad.htm">here</a>.

Perry Wade | Oct. 29th, 07

sex

Question: i am addited to sex?

Answer: Hello William. Thank you for writing in. I do not want to assume I know what you are wanting to say. Are you asking if your addicted to sex, or are you saying you are addicted to sex. Either way, can you clarify and give me more of a background so that I can help if offering some insight. Blessings.

William Durse | Oct. 30th, 07

Masturbation and porn

Question: I keep looking at porn and masturbating. How do i beat this? I dont want to do it anymore. I feel there is no way out. I know God loves me But there has to be a point when Gods forgiveness runs out. Please help

Answer: Hello Mike. You are basing forgiveness off of what you have experienced in the past through human beings (limit to forgiveness), and are not basing forgiveness off of God limit. So you need to determine if there is a limit to God's forgivness.

Read Mt. 18:21-35, Mark 11:25, Eph. 4:30-32, Mt. 6:14-15, Lk 17:34.

Answer following questions:

1) How many times to we forgive others?
2) When we forgive, does God forgive?
3) Does it state when God does not forgive?
4) Does it ever state that God's forgiveness ever runs out?


Regards to porn and masturbation. Mike you have created a habit...a bad one that your body now desires. You need to learn a new habit to replace the bad one with first of all. Second, get accountable with other men. Three, stop running from your problems and trying to find fulfillment or using porn as a crutch. Deal with your problems so that porn will go away for good. You need to get into counseling so that you can discover and learn about your habit, along with dealing with your problems.

Blessings.

mike | Nov. 15th, 07

guy problems

Question: ok there is this guy i really like and i think he likes me back but he dont provit vary well he is going out with my bff and now every night i cry becouse of him i dont know what to do im so confued and we have tryed to be friends but that sont work every time i look at him i think about us so help me please!!!!!

Answer: Hello Jessica. Relationships are hard. How do you want help? Help you get into this relationship, or help you get over your feelings for this individual? I would recommend you look at how to work through your feeling for this individual. This does not sound like a good start to a healthy relationship. If he is in a relationship with your friend, you are walking some very dangerous ground. If you pursue him, you could be sacrificing your friendship, plus most relationships that begin with these types of dynamics typically do not last very long. Talk with a teacher, youth pastor, or parent to help keep you accountable and also to help you work through your feelings. Blessings.

jessica | Nov. 19th, 07

sex, and porn

Question: i have been battleing since before i was saved to get involved in homosexual relatoins either in the porn industry. or outside of it. but now that i am saved i truly dont want this to ever happen. but lately these feelings have come back and i feel ovewelmed at times. what can i do to battle this? i have done a lot of praying over it. but i really need some help. i truly dont want this to happen. but something inside of me does. can you help me? do you have any advise for me? help me before i make a choice i dont want to live with.

Answer: Hello Roger. Sorry for the delay in response. You may be feeling that everything is hopeless for your struggle...and that is real to you. Roger do not give up. You are not inslaved to your feelings. Have the perspective that your feelings are inslaved to you...meaning that your feelings do not control your behaviors, you control your behaviors, which can redirect your feelings.

Roger, you need to find out where these feelings are coming from. The best way to do this is self exploration with a therapist. This is not a technique, but the process of counseling. Find a Christian therapist that is going to use psychology and theology combined. Interview some counselors and find one that is a good fit for you. You should look for a therapist that will not encourage you to act out, but help you learn more about who you are and who God made you to be. Find a therapist who has worked with individuals that had similar issues as yours. If you have any other questions, please feel free to email me. Blessings Mario

Roger | Nov. 21st, 07

Eating Disorders

Question: If recovery is so great for you, then how come no one is giving me praise about it and all i am is fat an unhappy?

Answer: Emily....hello. Let me ask you, who are you trying to recover for...yourself, of for others? If you are trying to change a behavior for someone else, then you are doing it for all of the wrong reasons. You need to recover for your own satisfaction and well being. Blessings

Emily | Nov. 25th, 07

eating disorders

Question: Why is it that when you go a day or more without eating and then you eat something small, you feel worse when you eat than when you didn't in the first place? Like I'll start feeling really dizzy and get headaches as well as feling like I'll be sick. I feel like I'd be better off not eating in the first place.

Answer: Hello Kristin. It sounds like to me that this is more of a psychological affect...meaning you have conditioned you mind to be very aware of food intake for what ever reason. When you take food in, you worry about it to the point of it cause some symptoms.

I would encourage you to not letting that keep you from eating. If you are eating regularly again these symptoms will go away.

The important thing is you need to eat and you need to be working through all of the issues that have gotten you to this point. You need to setup an appointment with a counselor to deal with your issues so that you can heal internally along with externally. Blessings.

Kristin | Nov. 29th, 07

Depression, Self-Injury, & Relationships

Question: I'm taking a psychology class and it's making me think that i have some serious issues.

For the past two weeks i have been crying every day and isolating myself from others. i've started cutting myself again too. In my sophomore year of high school i went through a similar thing where i hated myself so much that i would cut myself as a way of punishment and release.

Seven months ago i broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years (the one who pulled me out of my sadness in high school). After being away from him i've been with many guys and used many people as a means to feel better about myself and even to help me figure out who i was. I've realized now that the time i was most comfortable with myself was when i was with my boyfriend. I want to get back together but he is seeing someone else right now. He says he loves me and ultimately wants to marry me and be together forever but he's not sure enough of who he is to get back together.

In psychology we were talking about abnormal psychology and all the different mental disorders. I was thinking in my head about how i have periods of deep sadness and times of happiness. I also have a very difficult time trusting people and asking for help. I have only one real friend because of that and that was my boyfriend. As i was thinking about all this in class I was wondering why i was like this. I've asked myself that question hundreds of times but this time i thought of my grandpa that had died when i was very young. This thought caused me to start crying in the middle of class.

Tonight I talked with my cousin about things in our family. Our family never tells us about things that have gone on. We never say anything about any issue and i feel like i always have to figure it out years later in some other way. I think our family has a lot of dirt but never chooses to address any of it.

I think my whole life i thought i was just exaggerating my problems and saying that so many people have it so much worse off. Now I'm realizing that no matter what my problems are they are affecting me in a deep way and I'm not sure if that's normal.

I guess all this is just to ask if i am normal or if i really do need help?

Answer: Hello Lauren, thank you for writing in and sharing. What you are feelings is normal. We are all from dysfunctional families, some of our families are more dysfunctional then others. In the little that you have shared it sounds like you have been hurt in the past and have never really learned how to face it and/or work through it.

I an not sure what you are referring to as "need help". If you mean should you meet with a counselor to learn more about what is going on, the answer is yes. Every person should go to counseling. This is a great why to explore and learn who you are and a great way to get feedback. Counseling helps people work through past and present issues, but also is a great way to learn new tools in efforts to dealing with issues as soon as they come up in a healthy way.

I hope this answered your questions. If not please feel free to email me back.

Blessings.

Lauren Elizabeth | Dec. 1st, 07

Eating

Question: Hi. Ever since I was having a hard time with things a few years ago, I've been throwing up after I eat. Over time my "need" to do this has come and gone depending on how stressed out or alone I am feeling. Since I moved to Michigan, it has just gotten worse. Everyone says I've lost weight and that I look good, so I'm worried that if I eat "normally" I'll gain the weight back. The thing is, I wasn't even close to overweight to begin with. Nonetheless, I can't get rid of my strange thought patterns. So I don't know what to do... I'm not a Christian and I go to a Christian school, so I feel like I can't get help from that source. What do I do?

Answer: Hello Kiele, thank you for writing in. I am first of all proud of you to step up and admit what you are struggling with. What is happening Kiele is you are creating a habit, and a bad one at that. You are using Bulimia as a crutch as an attempt of dealing with your problems. In all honesty, you are not dealing with your problems, but postponing your problems and creating a eating disorder.

Kiele, you first need to find a good friend who you can talk with and let them know what i going on. See if they will become your accountability partner and who will be willing to ask you on a weekly basis, "have you made yourself get sick since we last talked. Second you need to either talk to a school counselor or go to a counselor. I am a therapist at Wellspring counseling here in Grand Rapids. If you want to see a counselor I will get you connected to a female counselor here. But get help. You need to meet with someone who knows how to help you.

If you go to Calvin or Cornerstone, I can vouch for there counseling programs. It is free for you and confidential. Make an appointment before it gets worse.

Also, about the people who are making comments about how great you look I am sure are correct. But they are not encouraging you to continue down this unhealthy path of Bulimia. There are better ways to control you weight. The long term affects of Bulimia are dangerous and damaging to your body and appearance. Thoughts?

Blessings. Mario

Kiele | Dec. 6th, 07

Seasonal Depression

Question: hi

I have seasonal depression, are the effective ways to dealing/coping with it? And if so what?

Answer: Hello Brandon, great questions. Yes there are ways to work through it. Here are some suggestions. Brandon if you are diagnosed by your a doctor I would recommend the following.

* Follow your doctor's recommendations for treatment.
* Learn all you can about SAD and explain the condition to others so they can work with you.
* Get plenty of exercise, especially outdoors. Exercise can be a mood lifter.
* Spend time with friends and loved ones who understand what you're going through — they can help provide you with personal contact and a sense of connection.
* Be patient. Don't expect your symptoms to go away immediately.
* Ask for help with homework and other assignments if you need it. If you feel you can't concentrate on things, remember that it's part of the disorder and that things will get better again. Talk to your teachers and work out a plan to get your assignments done.
* Eat right. It may be hard, but avoiding simple carbohydrates and sugary snacks and concentrating on plenty of whole grains, vegetables, and fruits can help you feel better in the long term.
* Develop a sleep routine. Regular bedtimes can help you reap the mental health benefits of daytime light.
* Get as much daytime light in your schedule as you can. From my understanding going to a tanning bed once a week for 10-15 min. can also help you cope with SAD.

Blessings.

Mario Franciscotty ma, LLPC

Brandon | Dec. 6th, 07

depression

Question: How do you actually know the difference between overly stressed and being depressed?

Answer: They are typically hand in hand. If you are stressed for a period of time (15-30 days), eventually your body tries to protect it's self from overload (from the stress), so it tries to force a slow down. That is were depression comes in. Depression is actually healthy, it's the stress that is destructive if it is not managed.

Blessings.
Mario Franciscotty MA, LLPC

emily | Dec. 7th, 07

depression/cutting

Question: Is there such a type of depression that can come and go? Some times I am fine but then ther are days I just feel there is really something wrong with me and that I need pro help or medication anything to ease my mind...calm me down...does this make any sence? I used to cut a few monthes ago and had ONE slip up a few weeks ago. I am doing alot better and the urge is not as strong BUT I have no money....I'm a christian and I do not want to let my family down. I am going through a divorce and alot of other stuff on top of that BUT....these feelings have been going on for over a year now. Sigh* I don't want to keep rambling on....does thsi make any sence at all???

Answer: Hello Cherish. Thank you for writing in. Yes the feeling of depression can come and go in waves. Depression piggy backs off of stress, anxiety, and worry, Decrease these, the bluse should decrease as well. Unless you have SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). These are all easy to treat and work through, but you do need to see a counselor or a Psychiatrist to really know what is going on. Think of this as an investment in you health. Blessings and Merry Christmas.

Cherish | Dec. 7th, 07

Self-Injury

Question: Why is it that no matter how hard i try to not cut when things go bad its the only thing that gives me the release of all my anger? Why doesnt anything else work?

Answer: Hello Renee. Thank you for emailing in. The reason why it is so hard to stop is because it has become a habit for you. You have trained your body to "need it" to cope with problems and/or issues. If any of us do something ever day, repeatedly for 31+ days, it can become a trained habit. You can train yourself to stop doing it, but it is harder to stop then to start. You will need accountability, and need to learn to replace this habit with a constructive habit, you just can't stop doing something. Also, you need to meet with a counselor. You need to learn how to confront your problems rather than try to just cope. A therapist is trained to help you work through what ever problems you are avoiding. You CAN BEAT THIS!!!!! But you need people to come around you to support and help you Renee.

Blessings.

Mario Franciscotty MA, LLPC

Renee | Dec. 9th, 07

drugs

Question: How can I get off drugs?

Answer: Hey Josh. Thanks for emailing in. What kind of drugs are you referring to?

Blessngs.

Mario Franciscotty MA, LLPC

josh | Dec. 12th, 07

if i am thinking about suicide how do i stop?

Question: how do i tell my friend to stop thinking about commiting suicide?

Answer: Hello Joe, thank you for emailing in. First, if you have a good relationship with this person you can be honest with them. Make sure you are being honest though and not harsh. Continually lift them up with praise and let them know how much you value them. Try to help them think through who is safe for them to talk to about this, (i.e. teachers, youth pastors, school counselors.). If you believe they are serious, take action. Do NOT take it as if they are joking. You do not want this on your conscience. You want people who can help them to intervene. If you are afraid they will get mad should not stop you for helping them get the help they need. Any more questions feel free to email.

Blessings.

Mario Franciscotty MA. LLPC

joe | Dec. 12th, 07

eating disorders

Question: How does one know if they have binge eating disorder? Is any kind of sporradic overeating, even if it is once in a while, considered a problem?

I've been having this problem since 7th grade and have been successful in controlling it for very short amounts of time, where I even lost 10 lbs. or so. It just seems like the adversary gets in where he doesn't need to be sometimes.

Any advice? Thanks.

Answer: Hello Christine. Thank you for emailing.

Signs and symptoms of binge eating

Eating disorders are secretive by nature – people will attempt to hide the symptoms and effects of the disorder (like hiding “binge” foods under a bed or in some other hiding place). The symptoms can also be hard to recognize until the problem has gotten out of control. Some people exhibit many of the following warning signs and symptoms, while others may exhibit only a few.
Binge eating disorder signs

* binge at least twice a week over a period of several months
* eat an eat even when not really hungry
* eat until uncomfortably full
* eat alone or in secret
* eat continuously without ever feeling satiated
* feel shame and embarrassment about binging
* eat when stressed or faced with emotional challenges
* experience guilt and distress when eating instead of
sustenance and comfort.

Christine, if you have 3 or more of the symptoms listed above I would recommend you set up an appointment with a counselor to see if there really is a problem. This is the best way to really make sure everything is ok.

Blessings.

Mario Franciscotty MA, LLPC

Christine | Dec. 12th, 07

eating disorders

Question: hey there. so i've battled anorexia, then bulimia, then both. i really try now days to be healthy, because that makes me feel better.

i try to eat right too...but i have trouble "eating right" because its like i'm battling myself. i have trouble deciding what is "good" and what is "bad". i have trouble eating at all some days because i feel like there's two voices in my head telliing me to do different things.

and then i just feel really alone about the whole thing.

my friends comment all the time about how i don't eat that much. then it makes me feel like i'm being watched.

i guess this is really two questions:
1. any ideas on how i can "better fight" the voice telling me to not eat, or to eat less?
2. how can i make my friends understand that its hard without getting them all worked up?

thanks so much

Answer: Hello Jenn. Thank you for writing in. It sound like it to me you have some great friends who really care about you. These types of friends are hard to com by, so hang on to them.

Anorexia and/or bulimia is nearly impossible to overcome by yourself. You have trained your body/mind to live this life style. I would strongly recommend you get the help from people who know and understand this pattern. You need to meet with a counselor who has a proven track record of helps people recover from anorexia and bulimia. Second you need to meet with nutritionist who can teach you about the pros and cons of your eating habits and other eating habits. YOU CAN BEAT THIS!!!! You need help though from your friends and professional.

Blessings.

Mario Franciscotty MA, LLPC

Jenn Roth | Dec. 15th, 07

Porn/Homosexuality

Question: Hey,
I have struggled with gay porn for about 5 years now. It seems so long when I see it written down.
I was doing really good for a few months, till I started college and got a laptop and it was all downhill from there. I can't really figure out what has been the trigger for my porn binges.

And I don't know what to do. I wish that it wasn't gay porn, because I know that's not what God wants for me, but I just can't seem to get a hold on those desires. I don't even really know why they started. All I know is that I have lost friends over the fact that that is what I struggle with, and that hurts a lot. I feel like I can't tell anyone because they will either tell me to "pray the gay away" (which, hasn't worked so far) or to just like girls ( which also hasn't worked).

Im so hurt, and confused.

Why is it that I have to struggle with the unpardonable sin?

Answer: Hello Aaron.

Thank you for writing in. It sounds like you are struggling and you feel a lone. There are many reasons why you are going to porn. Many people go to porn to use as a crutch to avoid their problems. Some of the problems I am referring to that people maybe avoiding are, stress, self-esteem, or other things like abuse, family conflict, act.

Aaron, I know you are feeling alone when it comes to the type of struggle, the gay porn. Trust me God does not look at your struggle/sin any differently then anyone else's sin. You just maybe hypersensitive because you do not have many people to relate to. You are deeply loved by God just as you are. But we are not to stay the way we are because of our love for Him.

I work with many men who have similar struggles. Aaron you need to meet with a therapist who has experience with working with people who struggle with homosexuality. You do need to find someone that will not try to "change you" but who will love you and keep you accountable to stop looking at porn...plain and simple.

Feel free to email with any qustions.

Blessings and Merry Christmas.

Mario

Aaron | Dec. 16th, 07

SI, suicide, addiction, depression

Question: I have been SI-ing for 2 years now. Two weeks ago I tried to suffocate to death. I have drunk more than eaten this past month. .. and I don't know why I hurt so much
I told my parents. I even took a suitcase from my apartment and packed it so I can stay at my parents. I have been here for two hours I already have a couple needle marks and slashes from a razor. I don't know whats wrong. No o ne is helping me. I've been this way for like years and getting worse. My father still thinks prayer is the way to make problems go away. What can do? Who can help me?

Answer: Hello S, Thank you for writing in. I would recommend that you start going to counseling. You need to find out what is causing you to feel the way you do.

You could go to The Fathers Ranch (information listed below).

The Father's Ranch Ministries
Address:
PO Box 1352
Tonasket
WA
98855

E-mail: info@thefathersranch.comThis e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it
Telephone: (509) 486-8888
Fax: (509) 486-1543

Information: Business Hours: Monday - Saturday, 9:00 am - 5:00 pm (Pacific time)

This ministry is equipped with on site Christian counselors. It is a year long commitment and free. Yes that's right, FREE. They deal specifically with what you are struggling with. I actually have a friend of the family in the program now and she loves it. She is learning so much about herself and God.

S., ending it is not the answer. I believe you love yourself that that is why you are attempting these things. You need to know that you are not a victim to this behavior or what ever your running from. There are people who can help you. You are deeply loved.

Feel free to email with any questions.

Blessings and Merry Christmas.

Mario

S (female) | Dec. 19th, 07

so screwed up i dont know where to start

Question: i have loads of problems. because of the abuse in my family I have way to many promblems to count. the doctors never really finished my treatment they just gave up on me then they tell me to go to a different doctor because they don't know how to help me. each new one gives me more drugs and i get hooked on them. i have vary bad anxiety, agraphobia, socail phobia, i think everyones out to get me. i have heart problems, blood problems and digestive problems to i can't do anything with out being so hopped up on all of the meds they give me anti sycotics. ricalin. effexor. ect I take it all and im just a zombie, but if i don't, i just go crazy and think the only way out is to kill myself. I just want to be normal, if im normal everyone will love me again.

can you help me?
who can i trust to talk to?
plz i just want help

Answer: Hello Leon, I want to thank you for your willingness to share where you have been and were you are. I cannot imagine the amount of frustration, worry, and doubt you must be feeling. Leon without knowing what type of abuse you have experienced, it will be difficult to offer much accuracy, but I will do my best.

I believe medications are a blessing and have helped many people function a full and natural life. If you have the resources available to you, I would encourage you to follow the wisdom of your doctors and continually work diligently to find new ways to cope and deal with what ever issues that are keeping you from healing from the past.

Leon, you can find healing, you just need to continually work through, and find the right therapists, doctors, and community that will walk with you through this.

Leon, I find it hard to believe that no one loves you. It is hard to experience love from others when we struggle with loving ourselves. You need to learn how to break down your perceptions with realties.

Leon, what are you involved in that helps take the focus off of you and put onto helping or creating? By you using your gifts or talents to help others or to express yourself is very therapeutic and helps you to see the good you can offer.

Blessings.

Mario Franciscotty

leon | Dec. 20th, 07

Depression

Question: Im 13 and I started gaining weight at the age of 7, ever
since then people have been saying Oh she is fat we dont
like her. But the thing is im a person too. I just want to be happy again


how can I do this/ how can i make myself a happier person???

Answer: Photographer, we will not respond unless you inter your location. Please add city and state, so that we can further assist you. These are not our rules. but those of the state.

Blessings.

Mario Franciscotty MA, LLPC

The Photographer | Dec. 22nd, 07

porn

Question: where should I look to find counsling?

Answer: Hello Ron, Great question. People assume once size fits all when it comes to counseling, and that is far from the truth. There are many different styles, specialties, and personalities when it comes to each counselor.

I would encourage anyone who is looking for the right counselor ask themselves the following questions.

1) what do I want to work on in counseling?

If you know what you want to work on, i.e. porn, depression, then make sure the therapist you choose has experience in those areas.

If you do not know what specifically you want to work, but know you just need to go to counseling to do some dicsovery of self, then refer to the following questions.

2) what do you want counseling to look like?

Do you want the therapist to offer new ways of thinking, suggestions, redirection? Do you want someone to just be a sounding board, a good listener so that you can talk out loud so that you can come up with the solutions yourself? Do you want the therapist to just use any and/or all psychology, psychology that is aliened with your religious beliefs (i.e. catholic or Christian counselor), but does not use religious beliefs within sessions. Or do you want someone who uses Psychology and religious beliefs in session (i.e. uses Psychology that aliens with religious beliefs along with prayer and scripture when appropriate)? Or do you want no Psychology and all religious beliefs (Biblical counseling)?

3) Once you have come up with the answers to these questions, I would encourage you to interview the therapist to make sure they are the right fit for what you are looking for. Is thier experience, beliefs techniques, and personality fit what you are looking for. Create questions that will help you disurn who would be a good fit.

4) Ask questions to see if the counselor practices what they preach. If you are want to work on your marriage, shouldn't you get counseling from someone who is in a healthy marriage? Ask how long they have been married, have they ever been divorsed, if in a healthy marriage..what has helped them keep it healthy, and ect. What is the success rate of the therapist and his/her techniques? I think you are getting the picture. Don't you want to get counsel from someone who is living what they are teaching? It would be like going to a personal trainer who is not in shape.

All this to be said, think through what you need, ask yourself the hard questions so you can find the right people who will help you find the road to recovery.

Blessings.

Mario

Rob | Dec. 28th, 07

pornography

Question: i need help in getting rid of pornography in my life, what can i do to get rid of this instead of running to it every time i have struggles in my life?

thanks,

brad

Answer: Hello Brad, I am sure you have head the cliche', "first step to change is admitting their is a problem." Well it is true. So you are on the right path to changing this behavior. Here is what I would recommend to anyone who is struggling and wants to change the habit or behavior.

1) Strategically tell a couple people. I say strategically because I have seen many people tell almost anyone and everyone about thier struggle. This opens up problems. For some reason when we tell people, they believe this gives them the right to become your counselor and tell you what they think you should do. Even through they have good intentions, this is not helpful. So tell MAXIMUM two people (same sex) who will be your accountability partners. An accountability partner is someone who will ask you on a regular basis, i.e."have you looked at porn since we last talked?" This will help you from thinking you can just get away with you secret with no one knowing.

2) Either download accountability software or filters on your computer (if that is the one of the ways you are feeding your habit). This will help the urge subside.

If you are feeding your habit through magazines or stripe clubs, get accountable on these to with same people as mentioned above. Also, stop caring money, credit cards, and/or check book. Only carry enough money to pay for gas if needed. Start packing your lunch. Getting the idea...you are trying to remove any temptation. If you can starve the habit (not engaging in the behavior you are trying to change) for a period of time (depending on the severity, but could be 1-6 months), you will notice the urge with subside, but not on it's own. It will take work.

3) Get into counseling ASAP. You are going to porn because you are using it as a crutch of some sort. You need to deal with and work through those underlining issues so that you can experience true healing from this. You don't feel good about yourself, so you go to porn and probably act out so you can feel good for a few minutes. But what happens next, guilt on top of what ever else is going on. You cannot fix it on your own, Get help.

Bottom line, get help. If you are concerned about cost, don't. You need to see this as an investment. Ask yourself, what would you pay to experience healing from this behavior?

Blessings.

Mario

Brad Smith | Dec. 28th, 07

Eating Disorders

Question: Hi, I have another question...Can an eating disorder send someone to hell? I know that what I am doing is wrong, but yet this is just what makes me feel better. But yet at the same time, I DO love God but I am worried that if I were to die right this minute, my eating disoder would prevent me from getting into Heaven. And I am not in a place to get help because my husband and pastors are against professional help. I have counseled with my pastors once on this but they are really busy and I don't feel that they really understand. Anyway thanks.

Answer: Hello Christina, Thank you for writing in. No, I cannot find anything within scripture that would indicate you would go to hell for an eating disorder. Christina, I am wondering if your struggle with your eating disorder and/or what ever is driving you to your eating disorder makes you feel like you in hell her on earth.

Hell is for those who now right from wrong, but choose to not love God, and choose to act out of spite from God's word willingly without trying to change their life. If you love God and are not giving up on trying to better yourself, change you habits, addictions, behaviors, then no...there is nothing in scripture that would indicate your destiny to hell.

Christina, I strongly disagree with your husband's and pastor's view on counseling or professional help. If you are having a heart attack to do you to your pastor to do surgery...no, that is absurd. If your roof is leaking (and if your pastor is not a handing man of course for argument sake)? No. If you have a tooth ache, do you go to your pastor to fix your tooth? Nope. So why then do we go to a pastor for mental health, especially if they are not trained in that field? If he is trained in counseling (or Christian Counseling)...great! But if you are not getting the results or the attention necessary to find healing, then find someone who can, especially if they are saying they are "really busy" (if this is what they are saying). I would recommend you make sure the therapist has the same religious beliefs and will be able to use Psychology that parallels theology, plus be willing to use prayer and theology along with psychology in your session if that is what you are looking for. But do not let them get in the way of you finding the help you need to beat this habit.

Bottom line, get help from someone that has the tools and know how to help you beat your eating disorder, whether it is from your pastor or from a counselor. And no I do not see anything in scripture that would indicate you would be going to hell because of your eating disorder.

Blessings. Mario

Christina | Dec. 28th, 07

eating disorder

Question: Hello,
I've been bulemic for about 10 months. I've told two people that I trust with everything and they told me that I should try and get help. But the thing is my parents dont believe eating disorders are actualy problems. My mother found out and she told me I was doing it for attention and that I needed to jst stop it and grow up. Hoe can I convince my parnets that I do have a prblem and that I need to actually get help?
Sarah

Answer: Hello Sarah. Thank you for writing in. That must be hard for you to not get the support of your family. Sarah I would encourage you to find another adult that you can talk with that would be your mediator between you and your parents, or just for the support. I would encourage you to find a female adult to talk with first, just for your safety. Talk with a teacher, guidance counselor, youth pastor, or friends parents. Tell them your struggle, that you want to get help, but your not getting the support from your parents. Just merely talking with someone is healing in it's self.

Second, see if they would be your accountability partner, who will ask you if you have purged since we last talked.

I would encourage you to keep the conversation with your parents going in efforts to get help. My concern the eating disorder, but mostly concerned with what is encouraging you to do it.

You do need to talk with someone who is equipped and able to help you, but starting off with talking with a teacher or friends parent could be just what you need.

Blessings.

Mario

Sarah | Dec. 30th, 07

Depression

Question: I remarried 3 years ago after being divorced for 10 years. I married a Christian man with the best heart I have ever known. He used to be a pastor with a wife and 4 beautiful children but lost it all from drinking. He then spent 10 years given in to alcohol/addictions. When i met him he was unemployed and living with his young daughter ( 6) (from a short marriage to another addicted woman who has disappeared ) and was living in a small apartment. I fell in love with both of them and really felt that if I got married to him I could help him be the person that God wants him to be . But he continues to struggle with alcohol and it is killing me everytime he does. He is sober for a month or so, and then gives in and drinks, gets sick and then sobers up and swears he will never do it again. We are in a new church that we love, and my husband is starting to be active in the ministries there, which is his life's calling. None of my friends or family supported my marriage, so I cannot really talk to them. And I feel that if I talk to anyone at church that it will ruin my husbands chance to serve. ( I did at the previous church- he went to a rehab center and when he came back he wasnt allowed to do anything ) That would kill my husband, he loves the Lord with all his heart, he reads and studies the Bible every day and spends alot of time praying and ministering to people that he can . I am getting so depressed that I can hardly drag myself to work each day. Did I make the biggest mistake of my life by thinking that I could help him by marrying him? Do I just keep praying and hoping things will change and dying when they dont?

Answer: Thank you for your letter Tricia. To think we can "change someone" is dangerous, in any relationship. It is even more dangerous to marry someone hoping it will change them. We only have power over our own change and actions.

Questioning if you made the right decision on marrying him is a moot point. Tricia, you need to stop looking at trying to change him and start thinking about what you need to do to become mentally healthy if you are experiencing depression. Your depression stems from your anxieties. Anxieties are probably coming from your thoughts about what he is doing, should do, not doing, and/or what you did, did not do, should do, should not do's. Your over working your mind with worries. So let me ask you.....is your anxiety or worry helping your situation? NO....so stop. Focus on what you can change....you. You need to find an Alinon, Alinon is a great organization to support loved ones of Alcoholics. They have counselors that facilitate and specialize souly in helping individuals like you develop skills you need to heal your wounds, set healthy boundaries with your husband, and much much more.

Blessings. Mario

Tricia | Jan. 5th, 08

Cutting.

Question: I try so hard not to cut. i know that i will loose more friends and hurt people if i do again. Its always on my mind though. its the first thing i wanna do when somehting bad happens. i haven't cut in a year but its to the point that i want to so bad i dont know what to do. i have razor blades mhidden in my room. theres always an urge to do it. i always wanna. i dont know what to do to ge rid of the urges i want to but i dont know how. so what do i do?

Answer: Hello Danielle, Breaking a habit is hard to do.....alone. If you are not working with a counselor on issues that are encouraging you to cut...you should.

Danielle, you cannot just stop a habit without replacing it with something. If you want to get your aggression out, then work out or go for a run. Take up a hobby like singing, playing an instrument, or art. This is a healthy way for you to express your feelings.

The longer you go Danielle without cutting, the more your desire to cute will subside. So when you want to act out, refocus onto something constructive...like a new hobby.

Bottom line, you need accountability and to work with a counselor who will help you get the results you are looking for as long as you do the work.

Blessings. Mario

Danielle | Jan. 6th, 08

dependency on others for inner happiness

Question: No matter what I do, it seems like I can only find happiness when I have a special guy in my life. I know it's okay to want to share life with someone, but I have been let down a lot by the wrong guys who i thought would be right. No one seems to find an interest in me long enough to stick around. I feel guilty that I am this dependent on guys when I should be very happy with just God. I try to keep my focus on God, but I always get so depressed when I don't have a companion other than Him who cares. How can I be happy without a boyfriend, instead of basing my emotions on how they treat me wrong or how there isn't one at the moment? or how do i find one who will care?

Answer: Hello Alissa. Thank you for writing in. You are at the age where dating should be fun...but not everything. Now is the time you should worry less about serious dating and more focused on quality friends and finding the right vocation.

There is nothing wrong with dating, but if it takes up the majority of your time focusing on dating, then it is time to
refocus your priorities.

How to change energy off of boys and on to other things?


1) Make a commitment to step away from dating for a period of time. I know of people and I also took a break from dating for a year. Now I am not telling you it needs to be a year, that was my own goal, but come up with a time period that works for you. Taking time away from dating will give you time to focus time on other important life decisions like, faith, college, career, family, or holding out for Mr./ Mrs. right.

2) Have your friends and family keep you accountable to your dating break.

This is a common mistake when dating, that anyone is the right person. That is NOT correct. Some tips on how to find the perfect mate. (when the time is right).

1) Religious beliefs. Do not budge on this one. If you both are not equally yoked (Christian with Christian, non-believer with non-believer). Do not compromise in this area. I see couples in counseling every day. And think about it this way, if you as a couple are not getting along, wouldn't you want them to be accountable to more then just themselves. You should want them to be accountable to the same God.

2) Aligning values. Values is defined as a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life. Make sure you know what your values are and that they align with the values of the person you are dating.

3) Aligning morals. The definition of morals is concerned with the principles of right and wrong behavior and the goodness or badness of human character.

4) Similar dreams for the future.

5) Similar views on family systems. Family systems are things like child rearing, parental roles, life style (i.e. suburbs vs. urban living, need a lot of money or very little).

6) Lastly, no settling.

Hope this gives you enough information to get you going.

Blessings. Mario

alissa | Jan. 7th, 08

Wife of a porn addict and sex addict

Question: My husband was addicted to sex and porn for 30 years 21 of that we were married and we still are. He did some pretty horrible things and though he is now sober and clean I still hurt. I have forgiven him but the pain is still there. Then I feel guilty because I still hurt. He does not want me to seek counselor for these issues. I live with a lot of physical pain and he will let me go to learn to deal with the physical pain but he said no good will come from dragging up our past. To be very honest, I am very tired and very overwhelmed right now. Your opinion would be appreciated.

gina

Answer: Hell Gina.

Counseling is a great way for you to learn what is keeping you from experiencing healing. Just because you want to go to counseling does not necessarily mean everything is going to be revisited. Counseling is not designed to create issues, but help you work through them. If you are not at full potential Gina, then the marriage is not running at it's full potential. You husband should want you to be at peace with what had happened and so that you both can move forward.

I would encourage you to go to counseling obviously with the support first. I would encourage you to sahre with him what you want counseling to look like (i.e. not a slam fest on him, an opportunity to explore yourself). If you cannot get his support, then you need to make a decision of what is best for you and the growth of your marriage...which may mean going against his wishes to go to counseling.


Blessings. Mario

gina | Jan. 8th, 08

depression

Question: I find myself still battling depression after being on medication for years and years. I know meds are not the answer for it, but it seems i just keep getting feelings of not being able to win. People just seem so critical and cruel. I admit that i am a pessimist and a cynic. I am in a support group on my campus at school that has really helped me a lot.

When i was going through grade school i was verbally and emotionally abused and was pretty fed to believe the lie that i am a worthless piece of crap that won't ever amount to anything. These issued conditioned my mind to be pessimistic, cynical, and depressed.

I am now 21 and in college, and i have a great community of wonderful loving friends, but for some reason i just keep finding them to be critical of me. And, they actually ARE critical of me sometimes. I suffer from general anxiety and am really socially awkward a lot of the time, and people take offense in it. They're reaction makes me feel horrible and so I try to better myself because of it.

To be honest, I'm tired of people giving me the age old "just ignore them" bull crap, because just doing that doesn't change the fact that what they are doing hurts.

I am a 21 year old life long bachelor and it hurts when i have such a strong desire for emotional intimacy with a woman. I've been told i won't be able to find a woman (even by friends and family!) and those words, while i know they aren't true still hurt.


what are the steps i can take to help with this issue of depression?

Answer: Hello Jeremy. I want to encourage you that your friends and family do not have to define you. They are a part of you, but do NOT refine you. You define you. The successes, failures, sufferings, and support we all experience within our lives shape all of us. I believe difficult circumstances can affect us in a couple ways. One way is to make us bitter, beat down, and worthless. We could see the bad experiences as we are worthless, OR we could see the difficult circumstances as a gift that developed a compassion and humility.

My childhood was hard and was painful to go through. At times it is even hard to think about. But it has created a deep passion for people that let's me meet them in their pain. I believe me going through my difficult life so that I could be compassionate for others and humbled me to be teachable.

Jeremy, it sounds like you need to learn how to set healthy boundaries with friends and family. Learn how to speak up and set boundaries to what is appropriate and not appropriate for how they talk or treat you.

Get the book called, Boundaries: When to Say YES, When to Say NO, To Take Control of Your Life, by Dr. Henry Cloud. It will teach you like may other books like this one on how to set boundaries. Jeremy, you are not alone when it comes to going through difficulties. But you can bless others, you just need to learn how to work through your past pains. Go to counseling. They will teach you how to get healthy mentally.

Also, no one has a crystal ball and cannot foretell the future. So no one can tell you that you will not find a mate. I do not know you, but I challenge their thinking. Their are millions of people with different personalities, beliefs, and interests. Dude you have plenty of time to worry about girls. First, you need to work on you. Once you do that, right one will come along.

Blessings. Mario

jeremy | Jan. 8th, 08

Self Injury

Question: Hi, I am a Christian, but I cut myself.
Its a really hard battle and everyone thinks that if your a christian, everything should be perfect.
I try to hold my head up high when I go in public so people don't see me upset, but its really hard.
Is it okay to show my feelings at school?
Will people think I'm not a Christian?

Also, I always seem to get depressed from the stupidest things. I've asked for God's forgiveness for cutting myself. I feel good for about a day and I go back to being upset. I'm always asking for God's help, but I dont see any relief.
I've talked to my youth minister and my mom, but nothing seems to help.
Please tell me how I can get out of this funk!
Help!!!!!

Answer: Hello Nicole,

Thank you for writing in. Nicole, I believe some of the Christian circles can be harder and less supportive then most Non-Christian circles. It is appropriate for you to share your feelings with those you trust.

Also, the belief that when we are Christians, everything is perfect with no problems, "if you have Jesus, then life is perfect" philosophy is a misnomer and there is no scripture to support this theory. Actually, if you have God in your life, there is typically more heart ach and suffering (story of Job for example). We are not a threat to Satan and can go under attaches.

With being a Christian we gain a peace that God is in control and we are to find Joy in even little joyful experiences (I am sure I left out some other things). Romans 5:3-5 says, "suffer builds character, character perseverance, and perseverance hope, and hope does not disappoint." So the bible says we are going to have difficult roads ahead, but God will use them to shape and transform our us into how He wants us to me. So it is very Christian to hurt and have difficulty....to be honest all Christians should be willing to share their suffering with one another and say to one another, "man God must really love you to have you go through so much difficulty".

And Nicole you are not alone. We ALL go through difficult circumstances, it's just everyone is not very honest about it.

I would encourage you to be careful who you share you feelings with because not everyone will be compassionate or supportive. We all need someone to talk with, we just don't need to talk to everyone about our hurts unless you feel God promoting you to share your story to speak into someone else's life.

In regards to the depression I would encourage you to read some of the other stories I have previously wrote about depression to other writers. Nicole if you experience depression during really cold, dreary days it may be SAD's (Seasonal Affective Disorder).SAD affects an thousands if not millions of people every Winter between September and April, in particular during December, January and February.

It is caused by a biochemical imbalance in the hypothalamus due to the shortening of daylight hours and the lack of sunlight.

For others, it is a mild but debilitating condition causing discomfort but not severe suffering. This can be combated through medication, getting into sun light during sunny days (even if it is 0 degrees out side).

Blessings.

Mario

Nicole | Jan. 8th, 08

sexual addiction

Question: Hi,

My name is Derek Kauffman. I am a born again christian and I have this relentless problem with pornagraphy & masterbation. Do to my inability to repent of this perverse sin I often question my own salvation. I mean, if I were realy saved, why can't I stop? If the Holy Spirit is within me, why can't I change? Am I a new creature in Christ, or am I just faking? And why can't I tell for sure? I've told my Dad about it and he just siad, "I don't know what to say". Then I told my youth pastor, and he encouraged me a little bit, but he was just to buzy to keep me accoutable on a ragulare bases. Then I told the intern pastor at my church, and that's when I made the best progress that I ever had before, but (1) I was still to shy to openly descuss my problem with masterbation, and (2) he was an intern paster and he eventualy had to leave. So then I told my brother and at that time I guess I was doing better than I ever had before. I daily prayed and the Lord put up a spiritual wall around me and I felt safe (even though I still was at war with the temptations). I started getting involed with some outreach freinds of mine and was out witnessing regularly, I read my bible constently, and spoke with God as often as I could. My spiritual growth exploded and my joy was over flowing. But then all of a sudden, I did something (I'm still not sure what) to offend my brother and he basicly told me that the accoutability thing wouldn't work any more. We're still talking and he doesn't seem mad at me, but he refuses to be my accountability partner (he hadn't been my accountibility partner for a mounth). So I seemed to be ok for a while, and I was planing on going to Prairy Bible Collegde in the fall, and thought "maby I'll get some counsling there". But for some reason, out of the blue, my erges exploded and I could not control myself. I began endulging more and more and now I can't seem to stop myself from getting on at least once a day! The truth is I pethetic and worthless, and sometime I wonder if Christ is better off without me in his kingdom. I truely want to die, but my love for christ won't permit my to give up. Can you please help me? I'm running out of ideas. There seems to be no one left to tell, and I afraid who I will tell won't even want to assosiate with me any more if they find out. After all, who wants to be assosiated with a pervert? I'm also having a heck of a time finding any support gourps around my area, at least no christian ones any way. Should I bite the bullet and just join a secular one or is there an alternitive? Should I just inform everyone I know about my problem in hopes that someone might care despite the posible shame and discrace it might bring me? All I ask is for some advice, something, ANYTHING! Please, if it sounds like I have a chance for some kind of change, I beg you, give me some advise, let me know I have a chance.

Answer: Hello Derek.

Thank you for writing in and being vulnerable and honest about your struggle with porn. First Derek, I want you to take three deep breaths from you belly. In through the nose and out the mouth slooooowly.

Derek, ask yourself this question......How do you view Paul? Do you see him as a righteous man, a man of strength, morals, values, and conviction? If you know anything about him, then I would guess you would say, yes. GOOD, so does the church. Some of the best writings came from Paul. He demonstrated confidence, strength, determination, and demanded respect from all people, no matter their status.

Did you know he struggled to. Not necessary porn because he is not clear, but it is sin. Read Romans 7:7-25. Paul is pouring out his heart about how he is struggling with something bad that lives within him...sin, just like...you. So if he struggles, but was being used by God, what does that say about you Derek? No one is sinless except for Christ, plain and simple. And in no way am I encouraging you to just stop trying to improve yourself. I am saying that you are loved by God, valuable in his eyes, and he desires to use you to better his Kingdom. Those to change because of your love for him.

How? Great question.

1) If you cannot find accountability partners, then have your dad download a filter onto the computer. There is a great one on the xxxchurch website called Pure Eyes and I think it costs 10 or 15 dollars a month. Money well spent. If that is not an option, then have your dad put a password on the computer so that you cannot get on it at all. If that is not an option, then through the thing out the window.

2) DO NOT STOP LOOKING FOR AN ACCOUNTABILITY PARTNER NO MATTER HOW HARD, TIRING, OR FRUSTRATING IT IS. They are out their you just need to find them.

And by the way....we as Christians NEED to step up and help keep those accountable if they ask for it. Not to get Theological on you but......that is a NO NO. GOT IT? If you need verses to support this, feel free to email me later.

3) Derek if you are struggling this much, it sounds like it to me there is something going on that you are not dealing with. Get into counseling to learn why you are using porn as a crutch. This is a common problem with men (95% of men struggle with porn).

4) You need to replace the bad habit with a good one. I would encourage you Derek to take up a new hobby or activity. This will help redirect your mind onto something constructive like exercising. Exercising will help decrease the tendencies you are feeling to look at porn or act out through masturbation.

5) Keep track or create a log to see if you are feeling tempted at same days and times. This is common. so if you are tempted every day at 9pm, then be somewhere else at 9pm, call a friend and pray at 9pm, go to a coffee shop and read or exercise.

Derek, it will take some time to change this habit, but YOU CAN CHANGE IT!!! You just cannot do it alone. And trust me these feelings you are experiencing will subside regards to porn, it just takes time.

blessings.

Mario

Derek Kauffman | Jan. 9th, 08

depression

Question: for a while now i've been on and off cutting, and at certain times very suicidal. overall i'm not entirely happy, but not completely hopeless all the time. the negative feelings change constantly and when i'm alone with my thoughts they are almost always very bad, but when i'm with friends lately my thoughts are okay. what is this? is this depression, how can i change this?

Answer: Hello Erica.

Thank you for writing in. Erica it could be anxieties and or depression. The only real way to find out is to meet with a counselor and get assessed to see what is causing it. A therapist will help you learn new ways of thinking and coping.

It seems when you are with friends you are side tracked from your own thoughts. So I would suggest you get involved in some things that would increase your view of your self. Volunteering and working with the less fortunate, be a big sister, or become an assistant coach of a sport you enjoy.

Obviously Erica something has happened in your past that you are struggling to come to a resolution on your own. And that is normal. But the ways you are trying to deal with them are not working. If you continue to try to handle this on your own, you will stay at this state or it will get worse. Get help!

So, get into counseling to find a fresh perspective and new ways of looking at life. And get involved into others lives, which helps put our own lives into perspective.

Blessings.

Mario

Erica | Jan. 9th, 08

Self destructive behavior.

Question: I cut myself and throw up the little food that I do actually eat. Sometimes I go for days without eating.

I'm seeking help for my cutting but I dont want to get the help throught the church I attend because they are SO judgmental.

How do I tell my loved ones about my problem and get help without being sent to the crazy house.

Answer: Hello Andrea. Thank you for emailing in. First, you will not go to a "crazy house" for eating disorders. Your issue is no different to a couple would come in for counseling. Marriage counseling is common and so is counseling for eating disorders.

Andrea, you are 21 years old and no one can force you to do anything you do not want to do in regards to change. Be honest and give your loved ones direction of what you want them to do before you share. Tell them if you want them to just listen to you, or help you problem solve. This will help you and your loved ones from getting frustrated during our talk.

Share what your struggle is and share with them what you think you need from them and outside sources. You are in control over your change.

Blessings. Mario

Andrea | Jan. 12th, 08

Addiction

Question: I have been married 24 years. My husband and I met in high school and partied together. We fell into a pattern for a while with drinking and using. When we started our family I knew I needed to change and began doing so, my husband did not. As the years went on his addiction grew and substance abuse worsened. I tried many ways to have him get help. As the addiction began to affect his job and our family more he tried a few out patient clinics, without success. I began attending Celebrate Recovery and worked on myself for over 2 years staying in my marriage because I felt it was what God wanted me to do. However my husband was destroying himself with meth and I knew it was time to do something. I started the process of an intervention but his dad found a way to get him to rehab and I was supportive as long as he went. I finally saw a clean and sober and deeply sorry person while he was there. That didn't last long, and I had set the boundary not to allow him in our home if he didn't stay sober. After 3 weeks I asked him to leave. I had found alcohol but know in my heart it was more by his behavior. His parents are enabling, and have told me to back off, that the home is the hardest place to recover. He is blaming me, hurting me with words and I'm crushed. Am I wrong? He says he is clean, I don't know what to do. I am seeking counseling. Can you offer any help?

Answer: Hello Lilly. I want to thank you for sharing. This is hard and I cannot imagine the pain you have and are going through. Lilly, If you at all are experiencing any violence, do not mess with it, get him out of the house ASAP.

We need to always love one another. And at times we need to extend tough love. If he is not getting clean, continually breaking his promises, and is showing signs that he is not remorseful and is not showing he is wanting to change (by his ACTIONS) needs to have the most server wake up call. That wake up call is his stuff pact up and sitting on the front porch.

Lilly, meet with a counselor and learn how to create boundaries and a plan. If he wants to stay in the home, after he finds his stuff on the outside of the front door step. If he wants to stay he must agree to a plan you and your counselor creates that is like a contract that he and you sign that shows expectations, boundaries and consequences.

Lilly, if you found the alcohol, then that must mean he must have been hiding it. So I am wondering if trust and honesty is what is lacking the most in your relationship.

Blessings. Mario

Lilly | Jan. 13th, 08

Self Injury

Question: My family found out that I cut myself and they cant understand why.
My sister started screaming at me and telling me she was upset with me.
My mom is going to send me to a counselor.

Was my sisters reaction ok? Becuase I was hurt that she turned it around to be about herself.

Answer: Hello Andrea. Everyone handles things differently. Some are calm in intense situations and some are very passionate in situations. I do not know what was said, but for your family to confront you and help you get the help you need (i.e. going to counseling) indicates that they deeply, deeply love you.

Andrea, maybe she was hurt because of your secret. Maybe she was yelling at you to try to get through to you how serious your behavior is. We can assume all day long, but the only way to clarify is to ask her what she was trying to communicate.

But before you talk with you sister Andrea, you need to forgive her so you do not come across bitter to her.

then talk with her calmly and clearly.

Hope this helps.

Blessings. Mario

andrea | Jan. 15th, 08

Self Injury

Question: I began cutting myself a year ago when I was a sophomore in high school. For a while it went unnoticed, but eventually my teacher began to catch on. He alerted my parents who took me to a counselor for about 3 weeks before we moved to a new state. I was able to quit cutting for about two months, but recently began again. I just can't seem to move past this. I guess that I have been trying to control things in the wrong way since one of my best friends killed himself. I know that I'm partially to blame, as I didn't notice any difference in his personality, and have taken that guilt out on myself by cutting. I can't move past that enough to quit for good. I'm afraid that every time I make an effort to quit I'll "relapse" and that will start the cycle again. I was wondering if you had any suggestions on how to be freed from the confinement of this prison I have locked myself into. Thanks.

Answer: Hello Brittany,

Thank you for writing in and I am really sorry to read about your friend. The thing we all need to remember is that we have NO control over anyone except our selves. So, we cannot make anyone change their behavior or their thinking. So Brittany for you to take on the responsibility of the actions of your friend is absurder.

Now to grieve the loss of your friend is normal and healthy.....if you choose to go through the grieving process. Going through the grieving process means letting yourself feel the shock, sadness, anger, acceptance, and piece. But if you try to avoid the grieving through drugs, alcohol, sex, porn, cutting, eating, purging, or any other form of crutch then all you are doing is first postponing your healthy, and compounding your problems through the consequences of what ever vise you choose.

Brittany, I am going to tell you like I have told almost everyone who writes in.....get into counseling yesterday! You will not be able to work through this without the help of a professional. You are trying to work through your problems using the same tools that have been in your tool belt from two years ago. If you could fix this problem on your own you would have done it by now. So get with a professional who has different tools he/she can teach you how to use so that you can add them to your tool belt so that you can beat this thing.

Also Brittany, surround yourself with people who will love on you, when you do not feel lovable. Surround yourself with people who will encourage you, when you feel discouraged. We all need to become accountable to someone other then ourselves, so get accountable.


You CAN beat this, you just have to become strategic and create a plan.

Blessing.

Mario

Brittany | Jan. 23rd, 08

Rape

Question: I was raped when I was little and I think that is a cause of a lot of the issues I've dealt with- suicide attempts, bulimia, cutting, unhealthy relationships, etc. I'm not saying that my destructive decisions are his fault, but i feel like I can't deal with all the other stuff in my life until I take care of this. The problem is, I can't tell my parents and my shrink will tell my parents, so I really don't know what to do.

Answer: Hello Rose. I am proud of you for writing in about this issue. Yes, you are right that your therapist has to tell your legal guardians.

Rose I am wondering if your fears of your parents finding out that you were raped is a perception that they will not act appropriately, or blame you for some reason. Just so you know, this is a common perception from a victim of an abuse and/or crime. The truth is if your parents are paying to have a counselor invest and work with you through some of your behavioral issues (suicide, bulimia, cutting), then they are trying to getting you all the appropriate resources to help. This behavior from parents are characteristics of loving parents. Typically, when parent find out that their child was abuse or a victim of a crime such as rape, they support their child.

Rose your negative behaviors that you mentions above ARE common from a rape victim. Because you are trying to find a way to cope with the even. Even though your attempts are counter productive, they are still attempts to find healing.

For your therapist to really help you find healing from your negative behavior, needs to know what is encouraging you to act out those ways. Make since. Do NOT let your fears of the unknown keep you from finding the healing you deserve.

You need to be a victim no longer!

Blessings. Mario

Rose | Jan. 20th, 08

depression/anxiety/self-injury???????

Question: A year ago, I had a miscarriage. Since then I have been dealing with tremendous health anxiety and the hopelessness and depression that comes a long with it. For the last few months, I was doing really well. I've had counseling, been on meds, prayed, trusted God, etc. I've had a setback, though. Lately, I'm convinced that I have Inflammatory Breast Cancer due to a small spot (most likely light irritation) that I've picked at. This sort of thing has happened over and over again.. from schlerdema to lymphoma.. I've become the queen of rare diseases. What are activities I can do to change my focus so that I can leave my body alone!!! I've tried everything! I go from panic.. to webmd.. to panic.. to poking at my body (and the results make me panic again). Any advice you can give would be most helpful.

Answer: Hello Crystal. Thank you for writing in.

I am deeply sorry for your miscarriage. My heart goes out to you and yours.

Crystal, I would suggest you practice renewing of your mind techniques, and here is a process you can try. Remember that this is not a one time fix, it is a process. You have trained your mind to a pattern and now it is time to retrain your mind.

I want you to ask your counselor at next session to teach you how to meditate. there are many types, but you need to learn how to take control of your mind and calm it down. Mediations help you to stop focusing on past or future situations, and refocus on the present.

Also Crystal, when you start to worry about the unknown, I want you to think back to a time that you started to worry about an unknown and found out that everything was OK and your were in fact not ill, but healthy. Then I want you to think back to another time when you thought you were ill and found out that infact you were not ill, but healthy.

I want you to continue doing this until you have your worry under control. What you are doing through this process is training your mind to not treat your perceptions as reality. You are renewing your mind that in the past you would worry and it would end up being nothing to worry about.

This will take time to get the hand of. Crystal, you can retrain yourself....Hang in there.

Blessings.

Mario

Crystal | Jan. 22nd, 08

cutting

Question: i have been a cutter since i was 12 or 13 i am now 20 years old and its like i have to do it if i don,t it eats me up inside untill i do . i have nobody to turn to nobody to talk to realy or atleast thats how i feel. i am not sure what to do or how to deal with it any more i think id rather cut and feel pain then not cut and feel nothing .

Answer: Hello Ronda, thank you for writing in. Please read my response to Renee that was posted December 9, 2007 in regards to you questions on cutting.

Ronda, I am sure you feel like there is no one to talk to about this. You NEED to talk to someone though. You need to think through if there is a teacher, friends parents, youth pastor, or counselor. Ronda you really need to be seeing a counselor to learn a better way of dealing with problems other than cutting. I hear that you do not see hope in changing your cutting habit, but that is why you need to be working with someone who understands the habit and who can instill hope into you that you can.

Blessings. Mario

ronda | Jan. 23rd, 08

self injury

Question: This last year has been an extremely hard year for me. About 5 months ago everytime something went wrong I'd turn to self injury and cutting. My parents found out, and so did a few other people and they treat me like a criminal. They've told me if they ever see it again I won't be aloud to go to church. They are asking me what causing it, and in reality their part of the problem. How do I respond to them about this one?

Answer: Hello Kyla. Thank you for writing in. I would suggest that you sit down and write our specifically how they are part of the problem. You need to make sure you can communicate how they are affecting you specifically and clearly. If you don't it can very easily escalate things with them very quickly and become counter productive.

Blessings.

Kyla | Jan. 25th, 08

Depression

Question: For a while now I have been wondering if I have been battling depression or if I am just going through a phase of some sort. Let me try to explain.
I can be happy at times. Other times I do feel sad. I have the 'normal' ups and downs that teenagers are supposed to have. But sometimes I just don't feel joy. I should be extremely happy right now because I feel like I have found my life's calling, but I'm not. Its like I am dreaming and I haven't woken up. My emotions are dormat right now. Its been this way for a few months now. Really its been this way for a year or more. I like to think that because I don't feel like cutting myself and I am not constantly crying that its just a phase, but this phase has lasted a long time.

Please help me to figure this out.
Thanks,
~Autumn

Answer: Hello Autumn, This is a great question and to be honest hard to be able to answer based off of your email letter. So I am afraid my answer will not be very accurate. I would suggest that you see if you can meet with a counselor. They should be able to help you discover what, if at all, is going on. This should only take a session maybe two at the most to be able to identify it.

My knee jurk reaction is to say probably not. Depression is the diagnosis of the year in this country. People are typically over diagnosed if you ask me. If you are having ups and downs and are for the most part functioning at a normal level (i.e. meaning you are going to school, going to work, can carry on an intellegent conversation, and can focus for a period of time) then it does not sound like depression to me. It sounds like to me you are being cautious with your emotions. And that is not necessarily a bad thing. By being able from getting to emotional helps you to be able to base decisions off of thought first, then emotion second. Our culture typically has this process reversed and it causes all sorts of problems.

But again, go meet with some one face to face. They will be able to better help you. And make sure you meet with someone who is trained in this sort of thing and can destinguish between depression, greiving, and it not being depression. The way to find out if a counselor can all you have to do is look up the definition of greiving and drepression, understand what makes the two different and then interview therapist to see if they can distinguish the difference.

Blessings. Mario

Autumn | Jan. 25th, 08

addiction

Question: I am addicted to counseling or support groups of any kind. Using my computer for support groups fills most of my days causing me to ignore my young child. Worse, I may be transferring my paranoia and fears to him. Already, I can tell he doesn't want to be around me because I don't spend any time with him or if I do it is to complain about people who have abused me.

Childhood illnesses or injuries have become exagerated in my mind. I imagine how bad my childhood was and think I have every kind of illness or disease, going to doctors h0ping they will treat and feel sorry for me. I have actually fall down, causing injury because it means attention and medical care. When my son is sick, it reinforces my sense of motherhood to have doctors/nurses see me in the role of a caring mother.

There have been many failed relationships/marraiges. I drive people who love me away with exageration. When they try to help me, I feel they are rejecting me or trying to control me. My mother has controlled me my whole life. I hate her for that, but I also need her to fix things that have gone wrong, especially financial help. Having her by my side fighting battles with my abusers makes me feel I am not alone. My grown children avoid me because of constant complaining about my health or those who I feel have abused me.

Chruches or charities give me sympathy until they get tired of my complaining. When this happens, I find another church or charitable group. I think it would be nice to move into a shelter for abused women, and be cared for.

I was going to a counselor but can't afford it anymore. A church provided me counseling for free but he got tired of me too. I have medical problems, some of which are real and others I talked myself into having and may also be real now.

Self destructive things like cutting and anorexia are all part of my life because they bring me sympathy. Online support forums are taking up more of my life now because face to face relationships quickly turn sour.

I am a mess but must keep it hidden for fear doctors, or the courts might think I am an unfit mother and take my son away. When ever I am in a situation where this might happen, I lie and have become very good about it.

Even writing this is a form of complaining, but I don't know what to do.

Answer: Hello Carina, thank you for writing in. My suggestion would be to do without your computer. If that is the source of your compulsivity, then remove it. Give it away, take a sledge hammer to it, and regain your life.

Blessings. Mario

Carina | Jan. 26th, 08

God.

Question: how do i know God is real?

Answer: Hello Dude. Let me ask you a question to answer your question....how do you know God is not real? I would suggest you set up an appointment with a pastor, ask him/her this question.

Also, I would suggest you do some discovery on this topic yourself.

Blessings. Mario

THAT ONE DUDE | Jan. 26th, 08

Accountability

Question: Could you do me a favor and simply define accountability? I've tried in the past to have accountability. first with my dad but we never had a set definition of what that meant. He did, but I didn't, and as a result it kinda just stopped. Now, I'm somewhat accountable to a friend of mine back home but it's awkward. I know that I'm supposed to be honest and tell him when I'm struggling and that he's supposed to be checking in on me asking me how I'm doing but if I e-mailed him every time I was struggling or messing up that'd be over board, and he doesn't ever keep in touch! I just don't get the balance in the whole thing; which is making it all fall apart and leaving me solo again.

I would really appreciate a THOROUGH definition of what accountability encompasses.

Thank you so much,

Travis

Answer: Hello Travis. Thank you for writing in. Wikepidia says it like this....

Accountability is a concept in ethics with several meanings. It is often used synonymously with such concepts as answerability, enforcement, responsibility, blameworthiness, liability and other terms associated with the expectation of account-giving. As an aspect of governance, it has been central to discussions related to problems in both the public and private (corporation) worlds.

Accountability is defined as "A is accountable to B when A is obliged to inform B about A’s (past or future) actions and decisions, to justify them, and to suffer punishment in the case of eventual misconduct" [1].

In leadership roles, accountability is the acknowledgment and assumption of responsibility for actions, products, decisions, and policies including the administration, governance and implementation within the scope of the role or employment position and encompassing the obligation to report, explain and be answerable for resulting consequences.

O.K. I would encourage the "punishment" not be present. I think being honest about something we are not proud of is punishment enough. BUT, along with accountability should be solutions. What I do with people I am accountable to and those who are accountable to me is if someone messes up, they have to first admit it, then come up with a solution to change the behavior for the future.

Also, I would recommend that accountability partners be the same sex, and ideally the partner that is helping has experienced similar struggle, but has found recovery.

Blessings. Mario

Travis Binish | Jan. 27th, 08

depression i guess

Question: why is it that i cry myself to sleep or cry for an hour or two, ehen what i'm "crying" over...is something i shouldn't be to upset about. or why do people lie to you all the time, saying that they're there for you...when they walk out of your life soonn after they say that?

Answer: Hello Abby. There could be many reasons why you are crying. If this is a pattern and there is no good explanation for the tears like, grieving the loss of a loved one, a recently broken relationship, then you should take further action to meet with a counselor to find out what is going on. If the reason for your tears is because of what I mentioned above, not to worry, it is normal and healthy to grieve.

Grieving and depression are very different. If you believe you are experiencing depression, I would recommend you make an appointment with a local counselor to be assessed and walked with through this.

Blessings. Mario

abby | Jan. 27th, 08

eating disorders

Question: hello. I am 14 years old and only weigh 86 pounds. I am small only because of my high matabolism but when i gain weight i feel ashamed i don't know why but people tell me i need to gain weight but when i do i feel fat. Some people think i'm kidding when i say i feel fat but i'm not i really do sometimes and i have no idea what to do to get overthis whole thing.

Answer: Hello Becky. Thank you for writing in. Becky, you need to meet with a counselor to learn what is encouraging you to feel ashamed of your weight, especially if you only weigh 86 pounds. You can find out why you struggle with this and learn how to work through it. There is nothing wrong with going and talking with someone to make sure everything is fine. Actually very smart people go to counseling once a year like a doctor check up. A new perspective is always a healthy way to live.

Blessings. Mario

becky | Jan. 27th, 08

self harm

Question: I have a strange bad habit of wanting to pull out hairs from my legs, arms, face, and all other areas that have hair, except my head, with tweezers. I can do it for hours if I wasn't afriad of getting cought doing this wierd ritual. But is it really considerd self harm? I mean, it doesn't couse any injuries. If it is, how can I stop it? I tend to just start without even thinking about it.

Answer: Hello Sam. Yes it very well could be a self injury behavior, and it could also be a obsessive compulsive trait as well. The only way to find out is for you to go to counseling to better understand what is causing you to do this "ritual" as you called it.

Before you worry about it I would encourage you to get face-to-face with a counselor. This is the best way to deal with it.

Blessings. Mario

Sam | Jan. 28th, 08

self- injury

Question: My question is how do you deal? I' ve tried everything i even stopped for a while but somtimes its like i crave it.
some of my friends know, but my parents do not. It all started when my brother died five years ago. He had heart problems and i had to watch him die without being able to help him. Thats when my problems started i bec ame very depressed. Around my friends and family i was the strongest person they knew, but alone i was cutting and it was my way of dealing. Its hard everyday not to its been about three months now since the last time.
Its just how do you keep from not doing it when you get depressed?

Answer: Hello Amber, thank you for writing in. How you can stop cutting is first to find an accountability partner. Someone that you trust, and someone that will ask you on a regular basis if you have cute since we last talked.

Also, you have learned a habit....it's a bad habit (cutting), but it was learned. You used cutting as a way to try to cope with the grieving and pain you felt from the loss of you brother. Grieving is healthy. So you need to meet with a counselor to learn how to change your bad habit. The thing you need to remember is that you CAN change you habit. You just need some help doing it.

Blessings. Mario

Amber | Jan. 28th, 08

self injury

Question: okay.
i dont understand why, but when i am alone or when im really upset about something... i cant help but to think about cutting myself. and 9 times out of 10 i do cut. its so crazy, i know. i hate that i do this and even more i hate that i have to wear long sleaves all the time to cover the scars. can someone please give me some help?

Answer: Hello Stephen, Thank you for writing in. What you have created is a bad habit for yourself. You have trained your body to crave a certain behavior. You CAN learn how to change this habit, but you will need to learn Why you do what you do. That is where a counselor comes in. I would strongly encourage you to seek out a counselor who has experience in helping people who struggle with self injury. This IS how you can find true help.

Blessings. Mario

Stephen | Jan. 28th, 08

porn addict

Question: I have a ajor weakness to porn. I hate myself for wanting it, yet I still do. I'v prayed over and over agin for God to take this burden from me. It seems as if God isn't answering, I'm steal addiced and weak to it. Would God ignore prayer for something like this?

Answer: Hello Sammy. Thank you for writing in. It is great that you are involving God in your transformation. You need to know that God will give the tools necessary to change you life, but he will not do it for you. You have to put fourth the effort, hard work, and learn how to change your behavior. Make since? If you want to know the steps to change, read what I wrote to Brad, December 28th, 2007 above. Blessings. Mario

Sammy | Jan. 28th, 08

Counseling

Question: I have felt since becoming a believer that only those that are really sick whether emotionally or spiritually need professional counseling. For me though as i go more into life i see that anyone really sick needs good counsel. I struggle with homosexuality and some depression, and i was wondering how do i know if i need professional help? I would like to one day help those that are lonely, hurt, or at rock bottom, but i feel struggling with mast, porn, etc. i can not do that right now and especially depression and lustful thoughts.

Also, if i do need counseling, how do i know good counselors from bad ones? Should it be Christian counselors only or any ok? I don't just want to open up the yellow pages and browse...
Thank you.

Answer: Hello struggler. Thank you for emailing in. In actuality, the wise get counsel. Why are they wise you may be asking, because they are smart enough to know that they need a fresh perspective. They realize that they got themselves into this situation on their own and need help getting out of it. If you do not deal with your depression now, it will only get worse.

How to find the right counselor is a great question. I would strongly suggest that you do a little research. Maybe ask a few people you respect for a referral. Or call around to see if there is a therapist in you area that specializes in the areas you want to change. If you want the therapist to use Religion, just psychology, or both....ask them what is their style. Interview the therapist before you make an appointment. Find out the counselors success rates, costs, availability. This should be a great place to start. Blessings. Mario

Struggler | Feb. 1st, 08

Bipolar/Drugs

Question: I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar (Type 2) Disorder after being treated for Major Depression for over a year. The SSRI medication only made everything worse. I didn't care about anything. I stopped going to class, I gained weight, and I just didn't feel. I had absolutely no emotion. My doctors finally decided I was Bipolar. I had to go through withdrawl from the SSRIs and get on a mood stabilizer. I feel much better now, but I have to deal with the aftermath of last year. I'm way behind in school and I'm uncomfortable with my weight gain. Because of the stress, when my hard-partying friends offered me ecstacy, I accepted. I'm not happy with that, and I've been hiding it from others. I need to stop, but I don't want to just abandon my friends that do drugs. I just don't know what I need to do. Do I stop hanging out with them to avoid the temptation or stick around and try to help them?

Answer: Hello Kristin. I thank you for your letter. Let me ask you a question? How can you stick around to help others when you can't help yourself? This is an old saying, but is very true. If you struggle to control your own behaviors and/or desires, then you will not be able to help anyone.

Blessings. Mario

Kristin | Feb. 3rd, 08

eating disorder

Question: How can i learn to love my body and not feel guilty everytime i eat?

Answer: Hello Annie. Thank you for your letter. That is a GREAT question. Like I tell everyone that pretty much emails in, you have to find out why you are doing what your are doing before you change it. Because if you do not know why you are overly concerned about your eating, then you can swap a bad habit for another bad habit. To truly find healing, you have to find out why you are doing what you are doing. Why do you hate your body? Why do you feel guilty every time you eat? Why are you so critical of your body and eating? That is what a counselor will help you do. Annie, you need to get help from a professional to really understand where these thoughts came from.

Blessings. Mario

Annie | Feb. 4th, 08

Depression and Social Anxiety

Question: My fiancee's mother and sister both clearly have troubles with depression and social anxiety. It's escalated since his sister has moved out of the house to go to college (about 30 minutes away from her mom now). The problem is that when they lash out, they usually choose me as a target. I understand that it's easier for them to choose someone who's not *technically* in the family to be mean to and blame, but it does put a lot of stress on Kev and I's relationship. Although both Kev and his dad recognize that help has been needed for his mom for about 12 years, and now that her sister probably needs it too, the entire family is against counseling. I know it would help, I've been in therapy for years for similar problems and have learned how to manage life and now I'm very happy and (I think) mentally healthy. But I don't even feel comfortable recommending this site to them - I'm worried it will just be another instigator for them to lash out at me. It's hard to see them depressed and anxious without knowing any strategies for dealing with it, and it's also difficult to see Kev in this position. Is there anything I can do to help them or to encourage them to get help? How do you suggest I handle it without offending anyone?

Thanks for listening.

Answer: Hello Kate. Thank you for emailing in. Kate is is hard to see exactly what our loved ones need that would help our their situation tremendously, but are not interested in your insight. Trust me I know this position much to well. The more you tell them what they need to do, the more turmoil you experience and you become the target much more often.

I would suggest that IF you have a good relationship with them that you strategically talk to each one of them separately. This will keep them from ganging up on you. Then I would encourage you to ask them questions that would lead them to the answers that they need. If they see that it was them that came up with the idea, the more it increases the odds of them to execute what they need. This will be hard to do at first, but it does get easier.

Blessings. Mario

Kate | Feb. 6th, 08

Relationships

Question: Why do I always find myself with the wrong guys?
Why do I always seem to go for and be attracted to the ones who abuse me and control me and hurt me?
Am I naive or weak for staying in a relationship
and not seeing until later that it was abusive althoughit was totally obvious?

Answer: Hello Brandi. thank you for emailing in. Great questions. Why is it that post of us have or are attracted to the wrong persons? I think a lot of it goes to we do not know how to decipher who is a good fit for us and who is not. We basically follow hollywoods unspoken directions on love that, "if it feels good, then it must be love".....WRONG. Here are some questions you should ask yourself before getting involved into a serious relationship with someone.

1) Does this persons morals align with mine?
2) Does this persons values align with mine?
3) Does this persons future goals align with mine?
4) Does your socioeconomic goals align?
5) What is this persons views on money/budget?
6) What is this persons view on child rearing?

Then take these answers from this person and memorize them so that you can compare the answers to the persons actions from past and future.

The above are questions that are specific to the core of relationships and if the couple does not see eye to eye on them, then to be quite honest, this would not be a good match.

We should be very picky and not settle when it comes to dating relationships. It is very easy for people to drag us down faster then we can pull them up. Find a person that will bring out the best for you. Trust me, you don't have to settle, because the right person is out there.

Blessings. Mario

Brandi Picton | Feb. 10th, 08

Depression

Question: Hi Heart Support! I moved down to South Bend about six months ago and was wondering if I could really be depressed. By daytime it seems that I'm happy enough and no one would ever think anything was wrong with me, but when I'm alone or in my room I find myself crying at random and many times even wishing I were dead. To feel better, I sometimes want to resort to mild cutting, but I don't because I promised God that I wouldn't. I have a relationship with God, but since I've been here he seems so distant. I sort of feel like I'm walking dead and all I ever want to do is sleep. I know I have nothing to be depressed about, but realizing that only makes me more upset. Every night before school starts I just feel overwhelmed, and even with supportive parents I just feel really alone. So, am I just crazy, or could I really be depressed?

Thanks so much for your time.

Answer: Hello Minnie. Thank you for writing in. I am not really clear if you started feeling depressed once you moved, or if you have been depressed before that.

If you started to feel depressed once you moved, you could actually be experiencing grieving from moving (I am assuming you moved with in a year). This is normal and healthy. You are leaving friends , possibly family and an area that is familiar to you. This will go away over time. It will run it's course. Once you get more comfortable with your new living arrangements and make new friends, you will start to feel better.

If you have been feeling this way long before you moved then it could very well be depression. Minnie, you touched on something that is key to your depression in your above writings. Your overwhelming feelings feed into worry and/or anxiety. Anxiety is what forces your mind and body into depression. Here are a few things you can do to help decrease you feelings of depression.

1) Take yoga classes
2) learn deep breathing techniques
3) Take long walks or get exercise three times a week
4) get out in the sun light as much as you can.
5) Go to a tanning bed twice a week for 10 minutes at a time.

what I am also wondering Minnie is if you are experiencing SAD's (Seasonal Affective Disorder). This is a very common disorder in residence who live in very cloudy, over cast places. If you notice that you feel more depressed then usual at a specific time of year (winter, spring). This could very well be SAD's. You can learn to deal with it and even find relief by doing the above steps.

Any case, I would strongly encourage you Minnie to go see a counselor so that you can identify the issue and learn how to work through it so that you can experience relief.

Blessings. Mario

Minnie Ellis | Feb. 10th, 08

depression/grief/loss of a loved one.

Question: dear heartsupport,
i am a man who has lost his mother to illness. she died last week and i have just begun to start the grieving process and need guidance through it. are there any affordable (or free) christian resources available that can help me?

Answer: Hey Patrick, the one portion I really liked about your question is that you used the word “grieving process.” You are correct, grieving is a process, a journey, a time when we are changed by the death of someone we love; perhaps a better word is journey, with many ups and many downs with really not fixed ending. And for grief to do its thing, you have to be willing to be involved in that journey.

You have to be willing to be with, and acknowledge your emotions – all of them; and please don’t ignore them. Death is more than a physical loss of a person; it is a life changing event that affects every part of us. The death of a loved one, calls into question who we are, who we can be and what life will be like for us tomorrow.

When someone dies we are changed from a loving relationship into a relationship of memories. And in time, we begin to embrace the joy w/ remembering that person.
You mother’s death places you in life somewhere you don’t want to be… we become not just a different person but if we enter the journey of grief, we become a deeper person, more compassionate. If I could refer you to www.nooma.com and look at the dvd “Matthew”; it discusses grief and how Jesus worked w/ grief. It is a good place to start.

Be open to the grieving process… don’t rush it, don’t side step it… embrace it, the pain, the joy, the sadness, the emptiness, and all will turn into joy of knowing how important this one woman was to you and how glad/fortunate/blessed you were to have her placed in your life – to guide you, to support you and most importantly love you like no other.

Thanks,
Scott

patrick a. hiles | Jun. 16th, 08

Marriage

Question: My husband and I are having a difficult time communicating. It doesn't help that he works a lot and is in school. He is a fire fighter and is gone a lot at night. We get upset at each other about things and it is never resolved before he goes to his next shift and after that it is never brought up again even if there was no solution. Lately, he has said there is something he is upset about but won't tell me what over the phone and then won't bring it up in person. I am worried to bring up negative things while we are together because moments together are few due to our crazy schedules. Is there something I can do or try to get him to open up to me without starting a big fight?

Answer: Hey Amanda and thanks for the question… and more importantly the commitment to your marriage. Please never give up.

When couples come in for counseling, the issue always is communication – yet the real issues are seldom what they appear to be, for there is always something else playing in the background that is causing the mis-communication.

It takes some work to discover what is behind your conflicts. Look deeply to what is playing behind your conflicts – what seed planted long ago is now coming into your marriage – sort of a layered approach – bad communication is the outside layer yet what is going on inside – and that takes honesty, vulnerability w/ each other.

If I can recommend some materials for you to reference – go to www.nooma.com and look for the dvd titled “flame”… it discusses what God meant for a biblical marriage. Find an evening you have w/ your husband; and you two sit and watch the dvd (its only about 10 minutes). Tell him that is what you are looking for in your marriage. Tell him that no matter what you will always love him, and be there for him – to walk with him, to share life with him. And when he is ready to talk, you will be there.

Also, I would recommend one other resource – it is a book called “The Seven Principles for making marriage work: a practical guide” by John Gottman. He is one of the foremost marriage experts in the country. In it he discusses the “marriage killers” when it comes to communication and how to resolve them.

I hope this will get you started. Also, if you are looking for counseling – try to find one that has an emphasis in Marriage and Family therapy – there is usually extra training/counseling that is required to a Certified Marriage and Family Therapist.

Thanks

Amanda | Jun. 16th, 08

Antidepressants

Question: I've been on antidepressants for about 3 years now. They seem to help for the most part, but at times, I feel like they aren't the right solution. I feel like I am more reliant on the drugs rather than placing my reliance in Christ. My counselor advises me that the drugs can help, but they only help you ignore the problems that are the root of your depression. Am I avoiding being dependent on God by taking antidepressants?

Answer: Hello Phil. Thank you for your letter. Let me ask you a question Phil. Would you say that diabetics who need insulin shots to live are not relying enough on God? That is absurd. Your situation is no different. If the medications help you cope and function, then take them and praise God they are available and work for you. There is definetly a balance of just running out and jumping right into taking medication. But if therapy is not working, then mediations can help stabilize you. Then you can learn some new skills on how to handle depression, then possibly see if you can back off of the medications with the assistence of your Psyciatrist and therapist.

Blessings.

Phil | May. 13th, 08

Depression/Suicide

Question: I have generally been a loner my entire life and have never really spoken to anyone about any problems because my family doesn't. We internalize things way to much, so I can't really talk to anyone about things. For the last two years or so I have been thinking about if it's ever worth it. I spend my time sleeping and not wanting to do anything. Since I bought a gun a year ago, I keep wanting to use it but don't know. I can't deal with this anymore and it just feels like God isn't there anymore. I hate feeling like this but I also hate living.

I don't know what to do or where to go anymore.

Answer: Hello Larry. Thank you for your letter. It sounds like things are difficult. Larry, what are you doing strategically to change this pattern? Are you going to counseling? Are you talking with friends and/or have a support network around you? Are you in a support group to learn how to deal with your depression? Are you taking any medications for your depression?

Larry, life is worth living. It can and does get better. You have to be proactive to make it better though.

I am sure it feels like God is not close to you. You sound like you feel alone and are hurting.....that is real.

Find a counselor that will help walk with you through this Larry. You do not have to stay in this place. Be proactive and find people to come around you to help you get through this.

Blessings. Mario

Larry | May. 13th, 08

My husbands porn addiction

Question: I caught my husband looking at porn many times and each time he always said it was the last. After the last time I caught him going to web sites to find adult friends I decided that was all I could take. He now says it is an addiction that he wants to be free of. He is willing to go to counseling, but I dont know if I can forgive him and love him like I used to. I am concerned that he really doesnt want to change, he just wants to keep me from divorcing him. I was married before and divorced due to my ex husbands infidelity. I just dont know if I will ever be able to trust him again. Do you have any suggestions? Also I do not understand porn addiction, is it really an addiction?

Answer: Hello Salena. Thank you for writing in. It sounds like you were, are hurt and it is very understandable why. I do want to encourage you that you can heal and find restoration in your marriage. How do I know that? Because I see it happen daily in the counseling room. It will take time for you to find trust in your relationship again, but if your husband chooses to change, learns how to deal with his issues through a support group for sex and porn addiction, and you guys as a couple find a good counselor who will help you guys work grow together, you will experience a marriage you both only dream about.

I do have some suggestions.

1) He needs to find a counselor how work with this tip of thing. Have HIM call around to the counseling agencies in your area to find a counselor who works with porn ans sex addiction.
2) get accountability software or a filter on your computers ASAP.
3) He needs an accountability partner in his life that will weekly meet with him to ask him the hard questions.
4) Salena, you need to get into counseling as well to work through the hurt and broken trust. Also, this counselor needs to teach you how to setup boundaries in your marriage.
5) Salena, you need to look for a support group for yourself.
6) to learn if porn is addictive I would encourage you to check out some websites. Google porn addiction. See what comes up. Also you can go to xxxchurch.com.

Blessings.