a year ago

a year ago tonight I was busy getting wasted out of my mind...it was my brothers birthday and I can't tell you if I even remembered to call him... anyways I was on cimbalta which doesn't even help my depression in the least...except it followed through on magnifying the impact of the alcohol...my psychiatrist said it tends to magnify alcohols effects by 3 times of what you would normally be like drunk. I drank a jug of carlo rossi sangria, half a bottle of watermelon smirnoff, and a bottle of wine. As you may know alcohol is a depressant and oh man I awoke feeling more lonesome than I can remember feeling and it seemed like nobody could be there for me that morning...a boy came over to help clean my house but that didnt make me feel any less alone or any less depressed...I took three bottles of my medication which happens to be three weeks worth of my medication and I tried to wash it down with a bottle of jack but I guess the boy who was at my house caught on and I just sat on the couch...I remember feeling dizzy..really dizzy...and the cops coming over..followed by paramedics who took me to the hospital where I spent the day...I wasnt myself for a week. I was so out of it and weird...And it makes me sad that some of the people that treated me the worst at other points happened to be the only ones there besides my family..it really confuses me alot...another friend used it to laugh at me and how crazy I was...and then made up lies to turn other people against me...I cant believe I called her a friend..that is so cruel and uncalled for..and almost makes me realized why so many people in this world hate eachother and why someone would want to honestly die. I know it's wrong but I sometimes wander how people would have reacted had I died...I know it's horrible...but I cant help but be curious. It makes me wander if theres anyone who would be cruel enough to laugh at me for it...I'm sure theres at least one person and that breaks my heart soo soo much. I want to be a psychologists so I can help people who need it like I did and still do sometimes...I know I have the heart for it...I can feel it in my bones like I was destined for this...I just don't know if I am smart enough.