Counselors at heartsupport
Have a question?
Here's your chance to ask our counselor's any questions you have on any subject. Hit the submit your question link above and type away, our counselor's will respond as soon as possible. Some of the questions will appear below here when answered.
(i didn't know how to reply to the message you sent me)
THank you for replying... i'm really glad you replied when you did actaully because... well sunday... my best friend kind of raped me but it didn't that far... i guess is how i could describe it... at first i kinda didn't register what was going on and then i realized what was happening and i kept telling him that we should leave but i mean he didn't listen and kept going... and i mean it really scared me.... and i mean... after that he keeps saying he is really really sorry and i completely believe him... but i don't even know how to act anymore... school was really awkward today and i mean i felt like i was scared of like every guy who walked down the hallway..... i don't even know why it just made me really nervous... and i know he wants to fix things. he called my really good friend who goes to johnson bible college and he had her call me so i would have someone to talk to and i mean i know he has a heart for God... he made a mistake but it's reallt hard for me to forgive him right now... But it's really hard to deal with this because it's like all i can do not to think about what happened...
But i do think i want to go talk to a professional but i would need to let my parents know... but i don't really know how to let them know because we aren't on very good terms and i don't really trust them all that much... so i don't feel like i could tell them what is going on... But i will be looking for someone that will be able to help here in town...
Hey Olivia and thanks for the note -- I am glad my reply helped you... and I can see in your note you realize that what has happened to you wasn't right and it has impacted you -- impacted your sense of security and your trust in others, esp guys.... and seeking counseling is a good thing to help you work through that -- much more than I can do via emails. So I am proud of you for your choice. B4 approaching your parents try to find someone to confide in and ask direction -- and that will let you practice your conversation first prior to meeting w/ ur parents... sort of role playing first... that will allow you to practice your answers and possible comebacks they may have for not wanting your to seek counseling... hope that makes sense... you can do this and please don't stop trying.... thanks Scott www.thethirdchair.org
lately, I've been having a hard time keeping my emotions under control. I always am anxioius and worried. I feel really alone, and even though i know i have people i can talk to, i simply cant. I've also been thinking alot more about resorting to cutting again. I've had a problem with it since 5th garde (now in 9th), and i've even thought a lot about suicide. my parents have also been hitting me a lot more lately. my brother is coming home, from jail/college and with him home on probation i dont know how i'm going to be able to handle living in my house with him. he makes everyone angry and it always ends up being taken out on me. i dont know where to turn, because i cant talk to my family, they'd just hit me...what can i do for myself?
Hey Alyssa and thanks for the note -- I am sorry for your situation - I hope and pray that you don't give up trying to find someone to talk too - - life is much easier when there are people there to love and care for us.... please read what is below -- it could be used for you as your try to reach out to others -- it is called
"Walk w/ Me"....
I have a problem. I want to tell you about it. No, I really don’t. I’d rather keep it to myself- handle it alone. I do think it would be good for me to share it with you, though. But I don’t want to, because I’m afraid of what you’ll say and of how you’ll act.
I’m afraid you might feel sorry for me in a way that makes me feel pathetic. Like I’m some “poor thing.”
I’m afraid you’ll try to cheer me up. That you will give me words, or texts or prayers that tell me in a subtle way to stop feeling bad. If you do that I’ll feel worse (but hide it behind my obedient, cheerful smile). I’ll feel you don’t understand. I’ll feel that you are making light of my problem because you believe it can be brushed away with some brief words of cheer.
I’m afraid you’ll give me an answer. I’ve been wrestling with this problem for some time now. I have thought endless thoughts about it. Can you answer in half-minutes what I’ve struggled with for weeks?
Don’t belittle me.
I’m so afraid you might ignore my problem, talk quickly about other things, or tell me of your own problems.
I’m afraid too, that you might see me stronger than I do- not need you to listen and care. (It’s true I can get along alone, but shouldn’t.)
What I’d really like is if you would “just walk with me.” Listen as I begin in some blundering, clumsy way to break through my fearfulness of being exposed as weak. Hold my hand and pull me gently as I falter and begin to draw back, Say a word, make a motion or a sound that says, “I’m with you.” If you’ve been where I am tell me how you felt in a way that I can know you’re trying to walk with me.
Walk with me- don’t change me.
But I’m afraid. . . you’ll think I’m too weak to deserve respect and responsibility. . . you’ll explain what’s happening to me with labels and interpretation. . . or you’ll ask me, “What ya going to do about it?”
Please. Just walk with me. All those other things seem so much brighter and sharper- smarter and expert.
But what really takes love is to just walk with me. (taken from Being Withby Visser and Kok 1976)
So please find someone - either at school, church, friends, family friends -- share the letter "walk /w me" and that will give them guidance as you begin to share w/ them.
I can answer more questions if you have them, yet also I work the LiveHelp for HeartSupport Sunday nights from 9 to 12; it may be beneficial that we could communicate more effectively then. So share your thoughts and let me know. Scott www.thethirdchair.com
So, i've been dealng with masturbation since as long as i can remember. I have an accountability partner but i still mess up alot... I've tried to stop this for the longest time so i could get my focus back on God but i can't seem to find a way to stop. I've tried walking around my room at night until i'm too exhausted to mess up. i've been reading my bible every morning but i still can't seem to stop.
Recently i've been feeling really sad all of the time, like i have to put on a face for everyone. I've cut myself a few times but never got any lasting relief from that either. The past coupl weeks i've been thinkin suicidal thoughts. i don't want to tell anyone becuase i'm afraid they'll think i'm stupid. i also don't want to tell anyone because i am a preacher's kid and that makes me feel like i have to be perfect... I know that i probably wouldn't actually go through with committing suicide but i'm afraid sometime i'll get to the point that i won't think that anymore.
i want to go get help but the only way i could do that would be to tell my parents i needed help. But i can't tell them why.. but i'm afraid that if i don't tell them exactly why i need help then they'll kind of blow my wanting professional help off... like it's just a phase or something.
I pray and pray that God will give me the strength to stop all these thoughts and actions but i can never find the strenght... I know i need help i just don't know where to look or how to find it.
Hey Olivia and thank you for your note and your concerns.
I always am glad when someone gets to a point in their life when they say "I don't want to live this way any longer..." and there is so much wrapped up in that decision and it is a very cool direction you want to go. You are asking yourself what you want out of life, what does it mean to be a Christian and how do I want to live my life that is consistent w/ that definition and you are willing to say "I need some help, I need some guidance to get there..."
You mentioned addiction/masturbating and how it has come to be a "coping" mechanism for you... coping mechanism is a place we go to when things, life, emotions get overwhelming. Typically there are high periods of stress/anxiety/fear that will lead us to finding a way out or a way to relieve those emotions. Some people turn to different things; as you see on the site, some will cut, some will drink, some will turn to porn, some will turn to drugs ( I call them negative home bases) etc... all of them indicate there is something else going on in their life that is unpleasant, something that is causing them to run to something. There are also positive coping mechanisms that one can turn to when under high periods of stress/anxiety/fear... just as you reached out to us here, that was a positive coping mechanism... you are asking someone to walk w/ you to figure this out and give you direction.
There are many things that could be going on in your life or certain events/situations that occurred when you looked to masturbating as a relief... so I would ask you to try to journal to figure out what is occurring when you reach/go to that coping mechanism... what is playing in your mind, what is playing in the background that you need to reach to something to relief it... try to explore your feelings, identify them and write them out... you have to be willing to be real, honest w/ yourself and also vulnerable....
Typically there are events in life, when they occur we attach meaning/interpretation/beliefs to those events... that thinking leads to our feelings (sad, anxious, fearfully etc.) which then leads to our behavior. So there is a sequence that takes place... and our thinking/our beliefs/our interpretations drive everything. That is a description of cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) - so please look for a counselor that is trained in CBT; it will be very effective in what you are dealing w/... ask your school counselor or church group for referrals -- or even ask friends -- or even your family doctor will have referrals for you...
So I hope that starts the thinking process for you... I am unsure how to proceed... I can answer more questions if you have them, yet also I work the LiveHelp for HeartSupport Sunday nights from 9 to 12; it may be beneficial that we could communicate more effectively then. So share your thoughts and let me know.
Please never give up – you mentioned that “no one seemed to get where you were coming from”… keep trying, keep asking others, till you find someone that gets it… someone that will walk w/ you through this. Please don’t try to journey through this on your own. Continue to try to reach out.
Thanks for reaching out.... thanks for asking......
Scott www.thethirdchair.com
Why is it that when i feel like things are finally looking brighter that i get smashed back in the face with more pain?
I have come addicted to cutting its the only thing that relieves my pain.
I cry out to god but feel he's abandoned me.
Every time i fall or something bad happeneds i fall further and further back.
People give up on me as they dont know what to do.
I feel so alone, i feel like things will never get better. Where is god in my life? Has he given up on me? has he abandened me?
My heart is broken
Hey Nic and thanks, thanks for sharing your pain, your hurt and your doubt. I frimly believe God hears the cry of the broken, cry of the poor and I believd He is hearing your cry... it is written through out the scriptures - and I believe God never evers abandons anyone... I would ask you to go to www.nooma.com and look/buy the "Rain" dvd -- in it is the story of one that is in the middle of a thunderstorm and can see nothing but rain, thunder ... and basically asking where God is... yet God is there for the person holding them close, telling them "He knows the way home, and I love you...." Sometimes in our life, we can't see that for all the hurt and pain... you have to believe that.. that God is there holding you close, telling you to continue to believe that He knows the way home... and He will show you.... He will be there for you... You have to keep going.. seeking help, seeking someone to talk to professionally... You cannot do this journey alone - that is the reality of it. You need not to give up in asking for help - ask your friends if they have similar feelings/or have been to a counselor and if so, find that counselor -- ask through your school, your church, for guidance - I realize it is difficult yet the life you are living is way more difficult -- When you ask for help -- try to follow/use the following; it is called "walk w/ me" and is written for those who don't know or are scared to ask for help... "I have a problem. I want to tell you about it. No, I really don’t. I’d rather keep it to myself- handle it alone. I do think it would be good for me to share it with you, though. But I don’t want to, because I’m afraid of what you’ll say and of how you’ll act. I’m afraid you might feel sorry for me in a way that makes me feel pathetic. Like I’m some “poor thing.” I’m afraid you’ll try to cheer me up. That you will give me words, or texts or prayers that tell me in a subtle way to stop feeling bad. If you do that I’ll feel worse (but hide it behind my obedient, cheerful smile). I’ll feel you don’t understand. I’ll feel that you are making light of my problem because you believe it can be brushed away with some brief words of cheer. I’m afraid you’ll give me an answer. I’ve been wrestling with this problem for some time now. I have thought endless thoughts about it. Can you answer in half-minutes what I’ve struggled with for weeks? Don’t belittle me. I’m so afraid you might ignore my problem, talk quickly about other things, or tell me of your own problems. I’m afraid too, that you might see me stronger than I do- not need you to listen and care. (It’s true I can get along alone, but shouldn’t.) What I’d really like is if you would “just walk with me.” Listen as I begin in some blundering, clumsy way to break through my fearfulness of being exposed as weak. Hold my hand and pull me gently as I falter and begin to draw back, Say a word, make a motion or a sound that says, “I’m with you.” If you’ve been where I am tell me how you felt in a way that I can know you’re trying to walk with me. Walk with me- don’t change me. But I’m afraid. . . you’ll think I’m too weak to deserve respect and responsibility. . . you’ll explain what’s happening to me with labels and interpretation. . . or you’ll ask me, “What ya going to do about it?” Please. Just walk with me. All those other things seem so much brighter and sharper- smarter and expert. But what really takes love is to just walk with me." ------- By using this, you are directing the conversation - you are directing what type of help you are asking for... and what you are really asking for is them to love you -- love you and to walk w/ you through this journey... I hope this helps.... Scott www.thethirdchair.com
well. long story short, i fell into temptation and sent a photo of myself naked to a boy i thought i could trust.. it ended up that it became a forward to almost everyone's cell phone..it was the first time id ever done something like this. before this all happened i was thought of to be a goody-goody so to speak.. a good christian girl who never did anything wrong.. now im only thought of as a whore. an object to everyone else. i live in a small town, and word gets around. :( teachers, parents, even grandparents knew. i lost so many friends. so i put up a front. i dont talk to people. i go to school, practice, come home, and go to my room. that is my everyday. lots of other bad things have happened in my family since then. ive become depressed. suicidal at times. i just need help. please. someone help me. what should i do?
Hey Sarah - and I am sorry... sorry that someone you could trust betrayed you... you are 15 and your life is not defined by a single moment or decision - we all I believe make bad decisions in our life sometime or another - you are 15 and you have many good moments in your life than this single moment. You are a person who is is trying to follow Christ - and happen to make a bad decision - that decision does not define you -- what does define you is your relationship w/ Christ - who has forgiven you... and will never leave you. I believe this will pass and people that know you and love you don't believe you are a whore -- the people that care for you the most, don't believe you are a whore... You can't change what you did -- you can only change how you act/behave this day forward -- be strong, ask God for guidance - continue to do the right thing in life... and people will come around. If your feelings of depression continues, please reach out to someone, talk to someone, let them inside to help you... find someone at church, school, or ask a friend who might have been to a counselor before -- they can walk w/ you to guide you through this... Scott www.thethirdchair.com
At least fifty percent of the time, I feel very worthless. I question my sanity, and I'm very fearful that one day I'm just going to snap. I know Jesus doesn't want me to feel this way (well, I know it when I'm in a right state of mind) but when I get to my "freaking out," I seriously doubt essentially everything I believe about God and reality and my closest friends. I even think of specific ways I could kill myself, but I always quickly realize I could never do that because, despite how I feel, someone somewhere would be heartbroken and it would be the most definite lack of trust in God. It seems like these feelings sneak up on me unexpectedly and sporadically. So I guess my question is, given the severity of the thoughts while considering the irregularity of the feelings, do I need to seek some kind of mental help or what? Ack!
Aly - hey and thanks for the honesty... there are many different things that could be causing what you are going through... if you were a new client; I think we would start back at the beginning -- w/ new clients I would always ask them to get a medical physical - cause there are so many medical things that can cause the feelings you may be having -- second, I would ask you to find a counselor that is trained in cogntive behaviorial therapy - and ask them that questions specifically to make sure they are and please give them a very detailed family medical history and any evidence of mental health issues in your family including aunt/uncles/cousins/grdparents... and third I would ask you to find a very good psychiatrist to prescribe your meds. They are better trained than primary care physicians to understand the reactions to the different anti-depressants. I hope this will give you the first few steps of hope.... Scott www.thethirdchair.com
I have a pretty long and terrible history of dealing with porn, masturbation, and sexual-type activity. I leave for college tomorrow and it's a Christian college. At this college, they track EVERY website and if they find porn, you're immediately in trouble for it. I'm hardcore-addicted to it and I don't have a clue how to cope. I've tried a million different things, including the suggestions you've given others. I'm rooming with my RA and she seems nice, just not extremely trustworthy. I don't know anyone on the campus, although I've met some awesome people online, but they're guys and being a female, I probably shouldn't discuss this with them for fear of repercussions and setbacks. What do I do with something like this? If I slip up even once, the college knows. It doesn't help that this is usually labeled as a "male" problem and not a "female" problem. I'm so scared.
Hey Hannah and thanks for the note -- I would ask that you reach out to your college counseling center - typically there are no fees and everything you tell them is confidential -- that way you aren't trying to beat this alone; you need someone trained to walk w/ you - don't be scared to do this - and if you don't like the first counselor you meet w/ ask for another -- success in the counseling area depends on the quality of the relationship be/ the counselor and the client.
You mentioned addiction/masturbating and how it has come to be a "coping" or "addiction" mechanism for you... coping mechanism is a place we go to when things, life, emotions get overwhelming. Typically there are high periods of stress/anxiety/fear that will lead us to finding a way out or a way to relieve those emotions. Some people turn to different things; as you see on the site, some will cut, some will drink, some will turn to porn, some will turn to drugs ( I call them negative home bases) etc... all of them indicate there is something else going on in their life that is unpleasant, something that is causing them to run to something. There are also positive coping mechanisms that one can turn to when under high periods of stress/anxiety/fear... just as you reached out to us here, that was a positive coping mechanism... you are asking someone to walk w/ you to figure this out and give you direction.
There are many things that could be going on in your life or certain events/situations that occurred when you looked to masturbating as a relief. So I would ask you to try to journal to figure out what is occurring when you reach/go to that coping mechanism... what is playing in your mind, what is playing in the background that you need to reach to something to relief it... try to explore your feelings, identify them and write them out... you have to be willing to be real, honest w/ yourself and also vulnerable .. again my first recommendation is to reach out to your counseling center -- be honest and be real... thanks Scott www.thethirdchair.com
i've been depressed as long as i can remember. one of my first memories is being molested by a girl, i had alcoholic parents growing up and i've been in a lot of bad situations. i'm a nice person but i don't have many friends. i am so lonely and life seems so empty to me. i don't want to kill myself but i don't want to be alive either. i try talking to god but i don't feel like he is listening. what can i do to make things better?
thanks for the note -- you sound as if possibly you are struggling from what is called PTSD which is driving your depression;
There is hope and this trauma, being molested, can be worked through -- it will talk effort on your part.... the technique to help you is called EMDR and I think there is a website www.emdr.comand it will explain much of it to him and there is a link on that page that will assist you finding a clinician trained in EMDR... so please do some research and reach out to a counselor that will be trained in this... you can do this -- you are not alone in this - on average 1 out of 4 girls have been sexually molested by the age of 20 - so know there are others... also on the site under resources there is a group called "mercy me ministries" -- they have an excellent book regarding sexual abuse -- the website is https://www.mercyministries.org/Store/p-34-violated-mercy-for-sexual-abuse.aspx so please try to get a hold of it. I hope this gets you started and thanks Scott www.thethirdchair.com
Im not sure if I am depressed or how to fix it. I feel I should tell you my entire story so you could get the best idea of my life and how I am feeling. When I was 3 my parents divorced. My was always gone working or doing whatever else occupied her life when I was a child so my grandparents basically raised me the best they could. When I was nine my father stopped talking/seeing me so my grandpa took the role as father in my life. By this time my mom began getting abusive and by the time I was 12 it was a daily occurance. My twin sister never was abused it was only me. My teacher at the time lived next door to me and she had seen me get beaten once and I think she was the one who called the social services. My sister and I went to live with our grandparents for a year and in that time my grandpa had a massive stroke or heart attack. It was the worst night of winter and he was plowing snow though it was already at least 2 feet high. And he just hit the ground. I sat holding his head in the snow waiting for the ambulance to get there for an hour and I had to watch his eyes role back and blood drip from his nose. He was said to be dead already.. Later that summer my mom went to her anger management and forced me to come home. She claimed to the state she was going to homeschool us but we really took a year off school. When highschool started things were ok. But she has emmotionally and psychologically abused me since I moved back. She tells me how awful I am and I feel absolutley no love in my house hold at all. I have cut to release the tension but it does nothing. My mother controls every single aspect of my life. I have never drank, done drugs, or had sex. Neither have any of my friends yet she treats me life a convict and reminds me on a daily basis how awful I am. The screaming and yelling is overwhelming and Im not sure how much longer I can hold on. I had a boyfriend when I was a sophmore in highschool but my mom ended up hating him and in turn stopped letting me see him. We tried to be together in secret. But he just fell out of love with me because he said he couldnt handle the stress my mother brought into his life. She would make him feel like a doormat every time he stepped foot in this house. My mom doesnt even let me go to Saginaw to see other friends because she thinks I will somehow sneak to see him. But I wont. He doesnt love me. She makes me feel like the stupidest piece of crap for still loving my ex boyfriend. But I do. He was the only good I had in my life and now it is gone. I feel trapped and I dont know how to get out. I have panic attacks daily and since christmas of O7' had insomnia. I go to a christian school and I have more classes then public school students and they are much much more difficult. If my mother doesnt stop controlling my life and screaming and yelling and just all around hurting me I dont know what Iwill do. I have become so desperate I just want to leave. But I have no where to go. My life has turned into one huge stress, I wake up having a panic attack almost every morning. And I just want to live my life. Be loved and close to God. But I cant find a way out of this. I just need someone to help me. I dont know what to do. I cant hold on much longer.. I just cant.
Hey Amanda and I apologize for the delay in getting a response back to you... in your note there is much w/ regard to concerns issues etc... I think instead of trying to answer in an email, it may be easier for us to chat online -- I work the LiveHelp for HeartSupport Sunday nights from 9 to 12; it may be beneficial that we could communicate more effectively then. Or please try one of the other nights when there is someone online to help you; to walk w/ you...
So share your thoughts and let me know.
Scott www.thethirdchair.com
I've been a christian all my life. but recently i've been manipulated and hurt by many guys. This has led to drug use and drinking. & i've developed an addiction to cutting and burning. I cant stop myself when im feeling really upset or hurt because it makes me feel better. I'm afraid someone im close to will find out. The last time i was really upset, i sliced up my arm really bad. My best friend is really worried about me. How do i get away from cutting , drugs , and drinking?
Hey Kimberly and thanks and I apologize for the delay in getting an answer to you. I always am glad when someone gets to a point in their life when they say "I don't want to live this way any longer..." and there is so much wrapped up in that decision and it is a very cool direction you want to go. You are 16 and asking yourself what you want out of life, what does it mean to be a Christian and how do I want to live my life that is consistent w/ that definition and you are willing to say "I need some help, I need some guidance to get there..."
If you and I were sitting in a coffee shop somewhere and you asked me this question... there are a few different directions we could go. I don't know what you have tried before to stop or how you reached out before, so I apologize if I duplicate something you have tried.
You mentioned cutting and how it has come to be a "coping" mechanism for you... coping mechanism is a place we go to when things, life, emotions get overwhelming. Typically there are high periods of stress/anxiety/fear that will lead us to finding a way out or a way to relieve those emotions. Some people turn to different things; as you see on the site, some will cut, some will drink, some will turn to porn, some will turn to drugs ( I call them negative home bases) etc... all of them indicate there is something else going on in their life that is unpleasant, something that is causing them to run to something. There are also positive coping mechanisms that one can turn to when under high periods of stress/anxiety/fear... just as you reached out to us here, that was a positive coping mechanism... you are asking someone to walk w/ you to figure this out and give you direction.
There are many things that could be going on in your life or certain events/situations that occurred when you looked to cutting as a relief. .. so I would ask you to try to journal to figure out what is occurring when you reach/go to that coping mechanism... what is playing in your mind, what is playing in the background that you need to reach to something to relief it... try to explore your feelings, identify them and write them out... you have to be willing to be real, honest w/ yourself and also vulnerable....
Also if possible try to see a counselor - they are trained to help, to walk w/ you through your struggles - try your church, your school, family and friends for recommendation -- you, as you see on this site, aren't alone in this struggle... you can do this --
Scott www.thethirdchair.com