Stories & Follow Ups - HeartSupport.com

Watch out Hell.

User-Submitted — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:33:36 -0500

If you have a steady walk with Christ, you probably already know or should know that if there is a God, there is also the devil. Yes, the devil, we don't like to talk about him too much on sunday mornings. We don't aknowlege him like we do our Savior, but we obviously we must know that he is there, trying his hardest to bring us off of our Saviors path. He can't hurt the Father, so he tries to hurt his children. Now if you are aware of the battle in our minds and flesh, you may know of protecting yourself with God's armor, with his word, and with his blood. We know that our God is greater than this enemy, stronger than this oppising force. It seems we all have that little subtle voice nagging at us, saying things like "it's okay to look at a little bit of pornography today, you've been good, go ahead have sex with your girlfriend, you've been premarital sex free for months. Go ahead cheat a little, lie a little, get angry at that person, theyre not acting right towards you." Do these thoughts sound familiar? They mostly likely will to any Christian, but like I said we know that our God is greater, our God is stronger and he can teach us to live by his Spirit rather than our flesh. It is a great practice to ask God to teach you to live by his Spirit, to be hungry for his Spirit, rather than lust, anger, and things of that nature. So, we can live clean no matter what those thoughts say, we live by the Word of God and not those nagging thoughts that ARE the enemy trying to convince you to leave God's path. Learning these defenses from God and his Word are great practices, but there is more! Here's the thing, in this whole act of taking defense and putting up that shield of faith, it seems to me that we get comfortable just taking shots. Whether we be blocking them or not, were taking shots. Constantly playing defense rather than some offense. How many of you know it takes offense and defense to win the game? We as Christians need to always learn to fire back. We don't have to let our loved ones be victims of depression, anger, lust or just being lost in general. As Christians we are not just called to sit around and take shots, but we are here to take authority! Matthew 10:8 "Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give." These are words given from Jesus to the disciples. We are Jesus' disciples, we follow this! We do this!This is our duty as Christians! If you are reading this and you have felt that all you do is take shots from the enemy, all you do is play defense, try to be "good" for God; you're made for even MORE than that! You are made to serve and to worship, you are not the devil's item, you are a son or daughter of the living God Almighty! You were made to shine. So get up it you're curdeled over in the corner, blocking those flaming arrows, and get up with your shield and fight! You have a shield of faith, the bible says. You also according to the word in Ephisians have a sword; the Sword of the Spirit. Ask God to teach you to wield this weapon. It is sharper than any double edged sword. When you speak it, life begins, when you speak it, the sick are healed, the broken souls of our generation are made new. Stay on God's path, yes, take up your shield of faith, yes, but don't forget to also take up your sword. The greatest strategy of spiritual warfare is to love your neighbor as yourself, and to use prayer and faith to tear down walls built up around you and others. Remember, no sickness is too bad for God to heal, no man is too blind, no man is too deaf, or too mute or too crippled. No home is too broken for God to repair, no soul is too torn for God to mend. We are children and soldiers of a living God! Today you tell the enemy, we come in the name of "Jesus," and we come to preach the word, to drive out demons and too heal the sick. Watch out Hell, we are an army built by God.

For anyone who has been in the dark.. you can make it out into the light

User-Submitted — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:32:16 -0500

I know how much people on Heart Support have been struggling with personal problems so I wanted to take this time to tell my story and let people know that, problems are apart of life and you can prevail through the darkness.

My life began in June of 1992. My mother gave birth to twins, my sister and I. We were each others best friends. We wore the same outfits and had a very special connection. This all changed on the night of June 17, 1994. On our way home from Toys R Us, a drunk driver did not stop at a stop sign and smashed into our car. The damage was terrible. I do not remember the accident because I was 1 years old and suffered a concussion from it. My mother, brother, and myself escaped from the accident. However, my beautiful twin sister did not. God came calling for a special angel on June 18th and carried my sister to the heavens where her spirit is there always looking over me. If this story can make people think twice about getting into a car under the influence, it could save your life or someone elses life.

This unfortunate story only continued on as I grew up. I grew up a normal life after my sisters death even though it has been extremely difficult. The accident tore my parents hearts. They never were the same after her death. Around the time I was starting high school they announced to my two adopted sisters and my brother that they were getting a seperation. I didn't know how to feel knowing that my parents would not be living together anymore. Depression really came full force into my life around this point. I didn't know how to cope with the situation and became very sad. A divorce became official two years later which lead to me moving out of the house I grew up in. The whole process tore me apart inside. It killed to see my parents apart when I wanted them both together again. My thoughts of depression soon worsened. Sometimes I would just think, is life even worth living anymore? If I left would this bring my parents back together again? It was a constant battle with these thoughts in high school. I was in a very dark place and seemed like there was no way out. Then there came a point where I wanted nothing to do with my life, I wanted to end it. I wanted to be with my sister again in the heavens. One night, I got into a huge argument with my mother which sent me over the edge. The only thing that crossed my mind that night was that "I'm going to take my life, I cannot be here anymore." I reached the limit of darkness in my life and thought there was no way of ever getting out of it. I didn't even care what my friends and family would have thought if I took my own life I was that depressed. That night, I built a make shift noose and decided that I was going to hang myself. I hung the noose up, put my head through it and said goodbye world. I was hanging there for a few seconds when the noose broke. I fell down and starting crying my eyes out. Then I was overcome with this feeling that I was not meant to leave this world so soon. I had a full life ahead of myself. I vowed from that point on to never try an attempt on my life again. I became closer with God and my friends were a big reason I got through that rough point in my life. I stayed positive from that point on and went on and graduated high school that year while knowing that my sister was with me in spirit when I received that diploma.

My life has continued to wonderful since I came out of the darkness. I moved to Florida to enjoy the beautiful weather and work on my college degree in hopes of becoming a teacher one day so I can make an impact on children's lives and futures. I write this today because I have went through so many struggles in my life and am 100% sure that anyone who is reading this can prevail too. Surround yourself with great friends and God. I do not think I would have been here today if it was not for my awesome friends. God has been there the entire time and I am so blessed to have him in my life. Take care everyone and God Bless!

Thank you so much Jake, Matt and everyone who has put this website together. It really is an amazing thing you have done!

What means more?

User-Submitted — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:31:13 -0500

I'm just a 19 year old kid with diabetes trying to live my life. It has had its challenges and has been hard for the past year. I've been homeless for the past year. Staying from place to place, couch to couch, or sleeping in my vehicle is no life for a 19 year old. I'm on my own because I didn't realize that life is hard. I grew up with a house and food on the table and never really had to work for anything. Due to my hard-headedness and lack of respect for my mothers wishes, I decided I'd move out and be on my own. Now I don't have a place to stay. I wish everyday I could take back the things I did wrong and fix everything. As of last week, I started doing that. I started going to church with a good friend of mine. Through prayer and time with my youth group I am finding out that having faith and God in my life can make even the worst of days be better. So I ask you what means more? Trying to do things on your own or giving it all up and being on fire for God?

diserment or leting go.

User-Submitted — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:30:44 -0500

I spent almost two years with a girl. recently admitted she had cheated and is moving on. its been a month and because of the soul knots I made with her I simply have not been able to move on. Ive cried out for help turned to anything to numb the thoughts of what happened. her current "boyfriend" has been tormenting me with words I cant repeat. and Im left with no answers. I have never been in such a hole, Ive had some people pray for me. But this has been a tail spin with very dim light at the end of this tunnel. I can blame myself for all of this, and hopefluuy one day God can bring glory out of this. I was hooked up with a non/week believer. (out of Mormonism) I gave her more than just every spoiling possession but all of myself. Things I cant take back that I was pulling my hair out to point her to Jesus and Love the whole time. For anyone out there dating someone thats not sold out for Jesus first let this be a lesson to run. I did everything and still continue to pray for her to accept salvation if she hasnt. but you cant be someones savior. not only being rejected but left with unanswered questions. Its been a such a struggle to walk on and shut that door. I hold to much forgiveness and hope for her and she simply doesn't want anything to do with it. more than anything I need to restore my vision and future hope. and take captive the tormenting thoughts. I wish my burden upon no one else. and this has really leveled me being disobedient even for a greater cause.

Our path is set. Our love is tested.

User-Submitted — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:30:06 -0500

I've fallen hard. Good and bad. i lost my self and slowly drifted from where im suppose to be headed. Lost for eleven years God brings an angel into my life but where I can't reach her. I love her with all my heart and I know God brought her to me to bring me back to his grace. Everytime i speak to her i feel closer to my Father. Where miles apart and sometimes can't speak. Temptation hits me hard. The enemy knows loneliness is my weakness. Iv been alone my whole life. I just need strength for living and for my future and to stay on the path. If this makes any sense id appreciate any words of wisdom.

Mission Accomplished: Role Models

User-Submitted — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:26:02 -0500

What a blessing it is to be able to share my victory!

January 13th, 2012 was not the first time i had the pleasure of attending an August Burns Red concert, fortunately. However, this time it was different; this time my brother and I were there for so much more...A Simple Thank You!

It was a frigid night in New Jersey at the Starland Ballroom, a venue in which i had never been to before. When my brother and i first walked in, we found an open floor elevated a few feet above the main floor. I was able to spot Jake out of the corner of my eye. We rushed over to the area where he was standing as quickly as we could because Texas In July was about to take stage and shred, which they did just that!

Luckily, Jake wasnt to far out of reach, so i was able to tap him on the shoulder and give him a letter and gift my brother and i had brought for HS and the band. At that point, Texas in July had began playing so he unknowingly accepted it and gave me a thumbs up, but what happened next was totally unexpected!

Silverstein was due up after Texas in July, another one of my favorites! So I obviously stayed right up front in the same spot. Right before they went on Jake came back and handed me a piece of paper. It turns out the piece of paper was the envelope that the letter had been in signed by the entire band! Jake also wrote a small note back to my brother and I. I showed it to my brother who was still unsre what just happened. He had a look of shock on his face, haha. I told him "That's Jesus right there man!"

At that point i felt the Lord's presence at full blast! About a little more than half way through their set, ABR played Salt and Light, one of my favorite songs! During the bridge, Jake yells "led by the comforter!" only this time, he didnt really sing it, or I couldn't hear him. It's almost as if god was lifting up everyone's voices for those 4 words. Which brings me to the moral point of this victory.

My brother and I screamed those words, and that entire bridge from the heart, because we felt it! It's a fire that burns and has been burning for months and in my case a solid year now. When we were screaming the words i couldnt help but catch a few kids staring at me like i was some kind of moron. Normally i would probably stop singing and try to hide my face. It was than and there that i realized that i had no reason to be afraid of any kind of evangelism and god would want us to speak of his word! Hence why I finally am blogging this!

That was the story of a prayer answered and this is the end of my story, the thankfulness...

My brother and i left about half way through Composure in an effort to try and get a good spot at ABR's merch table hoping they'd come out and say hello. We sat for about 15 minutes and still no show of them. We walked back out to the stage and we saw Jake and his Wife Kris!

I approached the guard rail and was able to get Kris's attention. She was so nice! Unfortunately, Heart Support had not been able to set up a table for that night, but i so badly wanted to show my love and support. I asked Kris if she could hook me up with a shirt and she did! I was so stoked! While waiting for Kris to come back, we were able to meet jake and my brother had told him how he had been saved and had been strong the past few months because of Jakes help. We were able to get a picture with him and just say thank you! That's a big reason why we went; just to say thank you for all He, The Band, and HS has done for us as men and followers of the Lord. It was an overwhelming feeling! When i said my final goodbyes for the night to them, I gave Jake a hug, but it was more than just hugging a Role Model, it was like hugging a brother; a brother in Christ!

Which leads me to say this, Follow the right people! God puts certain people on this earth to help us! People like Jake and Kris, and as great of a feeling it may be to have people like them to look up to, God is my number one role model! As he should be for everyone!

He can save you from anything and will ALWAYS love you. ALWAYS remember that!

Thanks for reading and God Bless!

Lose the World, Gain your Soul

User-Submitted — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:25:55 -0500

I've been thinking recently about what it means to really give everything up for Jesus. To literally drop it all to follow him. Look at Peter for example: Jesus walked up to him randomly one day, told him to drop his nets and follow him. That would take CRAZY faith. Imagine the thoughts that would have instantly gone through his head. How will I continue to support my family? I'm quitting my only job, how will I afford to eat?

But he DID it. He put everything he had on this earth to the side, to follow Christ. And Peter was taken care of!!!!

Look again at the story of the rich young dude who wanted to be a disciple. Jesus told him to lose ALL his worldly possessions, and follow him.

In Luke 10, he tells his disciples to go out and bring the Kingdom of God to the cities, and not worry about the money in their wallets, or even shirts on their backs.

Recently in my life, I've felt the Holy Spirit calling me to literally drop EVERYTHING, and go after him and him only. This means my 2 jobs, bachelor's degree which im almost finished, family life, and basically everything that the world would tell me i should hold on to to be "safe".

Probably the scariest thing I've ever faced. I dont even know for sure how i'll be fed each day, but i DO know that i'll be sharing the love of Christ, and I know that Christ is my provider. I'm just praying right now for faith, and timing.

Point of this story is this: NEVER be afraid to give anything up for the sake of the Gospel. After all, were only here for a max 80 or so years, and then its eternity beside Jesus himself!

4 months

User-Submitted — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:24:08 -0500

I took a huge leap in August. I left a life that I was quite happy with and a boy that I was quite in love with in Portland, with almost no warning, because I was positive God was calling me to. He had been pushing the idea for months previous, but I kept telling him "No, I'm so happy! I don't want to give up on all of this." But then, my Mom asked me to come home. She and my dad were going out of the country for work, leaving my 18 year old brother home all alone. You can imagine how that would pan out.

I took that as a sign from God. I left my life, my job, my boyfriend, everything, two weeks later. I was at peace with it all because "it was Gods wiiillll" and "it's His plaaaan for me."

Only to get home and be really angry with Him for making me leave. I stopped going to church, actually LOST my bible [which is really depressing because it has my Oh,Sleeper, sticker on it], and by the end of December started up a lifestyle that had friends close to me wondering what was going on. School was fine, work was fine, on the outside, I was totally okay. But on the inside, I had built up so many walls I didn't know or care when Sunday was. It had become nothing more than a day to recover from the last two nights before I had to go back to work. I normally drink VERY occasionally, but it tuned into a nightly thing and not just a drink, it was three or four nightly, for close to a month.

And although i hate to admit, it i know i was really doing it on purpose to show God how unhappy I was with Him.

When I woke up on January 1, 2012, the first thing I did was cry. I woke up feeling like OKAY. it's official- nothing will be the same. It was a tragic feeling, I was scared because I knew I was at the end of my rope. But I was petrified of letting God be in control again, because I hurt so badly the last time I let Him lead the way.

But then I started to hear little whispers. I wanted to ignore them, but I was breaking down quickly and couldn't keep my guard up.

There is a band called Wolves At The Gate. This past Saturday, one of their songs called Oh, The Depths was stuck in my head. I was doing something, singing it out loud to myself, and at one moment the past 4 months of my life came down at once. I knew it was happening, I knew God was crashing back into my life with force and I tried desperately to control the situation, which made it immediately WORSE.

I did the last thing I could think of to take my life into my own hands. I won't get into exactly WHAT i did, but it resulted in me crying and crying like something out of a movie. Honestly, it was pathetic! But it broke down the last barriers I had and I talked to God for the first time since August.

The next day I went to church... A church called Mosaic that I'd been specifically avoiding because it's supposed to be the "hip" church, and after 3 years of living in Portland I'd had my share of "HIP" churches. (Yes, everything you watch in Portlandia is true). But it all of a sudden this specific church was like a beacon, screaming my name all day until 7pm came around. It was amazing, I loved it, I left feeling new and filled up.

But then today, Tuesday, an old, tiny memory of the Boy came to mind that made me back track all at once. But this time I was angry and I started building those walls up again. I felt totally and utterly alone. unloved. unwanted. worthless. all of those things. but on top of that I was FURIOUS with God. WHY on Earth would he not want to come visit ME? HOW could He make me move here? How could I have been so STUPID! To think I just up and left... I must not have thought it out thoroughly. I was accusing him, blaming him, pinning anything I could on him.

At one moment, while I was holding my breath to stop crying, there was a moment of peace. And all I could think was I NEED WOLVES AT THE GATE I NEED WOLVES AT THE GATE! It was this frantic kind of thing, I don't know where the thought even came from. (well... i mean i do, but it seemed random at the time)

After a few songs my anger turned to worship, and i wasn't crying out of frustration but out of gratefulness for His grace and unconditional love. I was flooded with peace, something that I've been completely without since September.

The past 4 months have been a struggle because of all the uncertainty that came with taking such a huge leap of faith. While it was happening, I was excited! But the aftermath was confusing.

It took 4 months for me to admit I was scared. I'd been totally shutting Him out because I was scared of what he was going to change in my life. But doing all of that only brought me to the a place where nothing I did worked; i just kept getting worse holding on to things He literally told me to leave behind.

But the most insane part about it is that it only took 5 minutes from the moment I was yelling at God today to the time i was crying out and singing praises. Such transformations are really only possible through the dense love that is found through our Father. I've been smiling all day, and this is at a time in my life when my closest friends have been genuinely worried about me because the past few months have been a very crazy downward spiral.

It's crazy how sometimes you have to hit bottom to realize the most obvious thing, that God loves you always and you are NEVER alone.

"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."-Romans 8:28

:)

Rise or Die Trying

User-Submitted — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:23:36 -0500

At some points you find that one thing to help pull yourself up above and beyond your struggles. I myself have found this many of times….but every time it seems to escape me the next time. As a 21 year old I have attempted to end my life atleast 5 times to which I seem to overcome my feelings quickly to only have my pain sweep back in a couple of months. The thing is how much I love everything around me to only have escape in those moments of weakness. I have attended free counseling before and I have taken some over the counter random things which seem to hold up only for a few weeks. The worst part is the fact that it happened once again a week ago, when it successfully overdosed on sleeping pills. While the fact that I was able to hide it the next day from everyone of my classmates, coworkers, and my friends baffles me because my body was completely numb. God was there in the beginning but my faith has faltered every time to the point where I’m not sure what I believe anymore. I found alcohol when I came to the university I now attend and have passed out cutting my wrists (as recent as last year).
The most resounding problem is the fact that I am not a person who is isolated, far from it. In fact I am in one of the largest organizations at this university. One of the deans knows me by first name, I have risen over thousands of dollars for charity at events I have organized and advertised. I am a popular person on campus but I feel like it was the same as it was before: The one guy that everyone knows but without my friends. The closest thing I can find now is Metal to helping this. I can’t even count how many times “Composure”-ABR has played and helped me put in perspective the feelings.
If anyone takes the time to respond to this feel free to shoot me an email at Iriseordietrying@yahoo.com . I don’t need to hear the fact that ‘hey you need help’ I continuously seek it out (I won’t be dropping outta school to be doing it or to afford it so I refuse to go beyond free sessions).
What I hope to accomplish by posting this story? All I hope is that if God is still there that he hears this and makes an appearance in my life. I refuse to search for answers at the bottom of bottles and feel as though my drunkenness only accelerates the feelings I suppress. My goal out of college is to be able to teach in a high school and help students who experience depression.
Shoot me emails let me know your story that is similar or even your support. I officially want to move beyond this. I want to fight, I want to overcome, I want to reclaim my life.

Second Chances

User-Submitted — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 21:17:01 -0500

Back in July of 2011, I posted a story called Health Struggles. I suppose this could be considered a continuation...

When I was diagnosed with Crohn’s in the summer of 2003, I had just completed my first year of university (at the time I was going for BSC. Wildlife Biology). The classes were so big. The professors didn’t give a hoot about whether or not you showed up for class and they had serious God complexes. Everything was just so impersonal and I felt invisible. On top of that, I was so sick I could barely function. The Crohn’s initially presented itself as arthritis and by the end of the year I was hardly eating because it was too painful to walk to the cafeteria. It took everything within me to walk to the gymnasium to write my final exams. I managed to finish out the year, however once diagnosed I was too sick to return to school and so never obtained my degree. It was discouraging but with all I was dealing with, I could never fathom returning.

As you may, or may not, know, Crohn’s is considered an “incurable” disease. For months, all I heard about was coming to terms with the disease...accepting the inevitable...learning how to cope with lifelong symptoms. I made it to church as often as I was physically able and I grew up with a strong, Christian foundation, but hearing these things took a toll on me. One of the biggest, and possibly the saddest, ways I was affected was that I stopped dreaming. I started believing the lies of the enemy and only ever saw my future in terms of “the disease.” The past 9 years have not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. Not only has it been a physical battle, but a spiritual one as well. The Word says that though we live in the world, we don’t wage war as the world does (2 Corinthians 10:3). I had to wage spiritual warfare and take captive all those thoughts. I’ve grown a lot spiritually over these past years and although I still struggle, as anyone does, by God’s grace I’m doing pretty good at keeping those kinds of thoughts under control.

This past September something in me changed. I began revisiting all the dreams that had lain dormant for so long. I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d go back to school, but suddenly I had the urge to see what was out there. After looking at some programs, at the suggestion of a friend I took a look at ORU’s website. After reading some of the programs and praying about it, God put it on my heart to apply. I’m happy to say that I’ve been accepted and will be moving all the way from a little town in Ontario, Canada to Tulsa, Oklahoma to get my BSc. Biology. Not only that but the Crohn’s is, technically, in “remission.” I’m still believing for total manifest healing but in the meantime I feel great – the best I have in a long time.

By the time I graduate, I’ll be 32. I never thought I’d go back to school, let alone at 28. But age is just a number – I most definitely don’t feel my age. God is restoring unto me all the years I lost and I am SO excited to see what He has in store for me! For too long, I let the enemy toy with my mind. He had me believing that I could never do anything worthwhile. But after getting into the Word and just seeking God, I know that that is the biggest lie there is! It feels so good to dream again! I believe God places dreams inside us all. For me, I know He’s got something HUGE in store for me and I’m beyond ready to embark on the journey He has for me. Am I a little apprehensive? Sure. Change can be scary, but my hope and faith and trust are in God and I know that He is leading and guiding me through it all.

So I say all that to say this: For any of you who might be wondering if you’ll ever have a second chance, you will!! Don’t ever let anyone – family, friends, that little voice inside your head – tell you that an opportunity has passed you by or that you missed it. That is nothing but a lie straight from the enemy! The truth is this: God has such incredible plans for you! Plans for a hope and a future, to prosper and not harm you (Jeremiah 29:11). When we put our trust in God, He will direct our path (Proverbs 3:5-6). Best of all, God never gives up on His plans for you...”being confident in this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6) I pray that you rediscover the dreams God placed in your heart and go after them!

God Bless!

Ashley

Giving Affection

User-Submitted — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 01:46:27 -0500

Is it weird that I long to call a girl beautiful, say I love you, and it not be awkward?It seems like such a weird thing to want, but I’ve really wanted be able to give affection rather than receive. I don’t know the word, but I’ve realized how important it is for me to make sure others are happy. Putting myself before others. I’ve been told that’s a bad thing, but I can’t understand why. To be honest, I hate being selfish and showing my affection is a way for me to put others before me.

God has put me in such an emotion hurricane this past couple months, and hopefully it will calm down soon haha. There’s a girl I’ve been falling for for the past two-three months and God is now revealing to me that I NEED to tell her. Before I was nervous because I didn’t want to tell her, but now I HAVE to tell her, but I physically can’t. It’s something I’ve been praying about extensively and NOW that I have the answers I can’t wait to tell her. God I’m foolish for not knowing earlier. You’ve put these emotions in me for a reason and you’ve kept them inside of me for a reason. I just wish I knew before so I didn’t have to wait a month to tell her how I feel.

There’s only good that can come out of doing God’s will and knowing THIS is what God wants me to do I can only anticipate what’s going to happen.

College: My Breaking Point

User-Submitted — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 01:46:17 -0500

I just finished my first semester of college and when I look back on this semester, I see that I've gone through more than I went through in all of high school, especially spiritually. Looking from the outside, High school seems like it would have made a giant impact on my life, and it has. I met some great, life changing people, who I love dearly, but I think that within this first semester of college, I have changed much more than I did in those four years of high school,

My first week of college was filled with events planned for all the incoming freshmen to help them meet new people and build new friendships, however, I am painfully shy, so these were almost useless to me. I was too shy to speak to anyone mainly because I never really had to. All throughout my life, I never spoke to strangers if I didn't have to. And in this case, there was no one physically present encouraging me to reach out to people and get friends. Soon I became extremely lonely. A loneliness that I've never experienced before. There were times in high school were I didn't really have close friends, but at the end of the day, I could always come back home to family and put aside the loneliness until the next day. At college, however, there was no escaping the loneliness. To help you picture my feelings, it was like my mom had taken me to an ocean to live amongst all these aquatic animals who all had something in common with each other, but nothing in common with me. I was definitely a minority, an black person who's favorite bands generally won't be found on mtv, wearing skinny jeans and band shirts. The majority of the students were white and many of their interests seemed to be going out, partying, etc. I do realize this is an extreme generalization, but before getting to know anyone, this is the impression many gave off.

After a while I began to forget the sound of my own voice because I would go days without talking. I began to realize that I reached a new low in loneliness compared to any other moment in my life. This is when I had to completely turn to God. I've been a Christian for as long as I can remember, growing up in a Christian home, but it wasn't until this point that I realized that I really needed to give it all to God. It was like my life was a ballon, and I had given the ballon to God, but I kept a tight grip on the string connected to it. But after loneliness basically beat me to wits end, I had to give in and give up. I would not win. I couldn't win... on my own. I continuously prayed and told God to take total control, pouring my heart out to him nearly every night. Soon people began to speak to me and at first I was pretty awkward since I nearly forgot how to interact with people. One of the first group of friends who I see quite often was this group of kids who noticed me outside playing guitar. They came and watched me and we talked for a while, just getting to know each other.

Soon later I began to get to know people in my classes and other music major like myself and I began to see my general happiness increase. I have yet to find anyone with very similar interests as me who I hang out with regularly, however, God has brought me a long way. I am by no means popular and this story is not for me to say how much better of a person I became, but it's to tell how weak I became, and how God stepped in when I cried out to him and he heard me. This was the first time in my life that I felt completely helpless and I was forced to let God take control, and let me tell you; that's the best thing I've ever done. I still have to remind myself to let God take control constantly, seeing as how it's a new lifestyle for me, but after seeing how he brought me through this, it's so much easier to give Him control again and again. Hopefully it will become a habit soon, but I am thankful that God brought me to that point in my life, because I am more than sure that the lesson in giving, the lesson in surrendering, that He taught me is far greater than having all the friends I could ask for, the second I asked for them.

God is definitely not done working in my life, as I see new things he shows me constantly. He is always amazing me, and I have a new kind of joy, that I never really felt totally before. A joy that doesn't run away with certain circumstances, but a persistent joy that I know is from the infinite joy of my Lord.

Emotional Roller Coaster

User-Submitted — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 15:49:15 -0500

I hate rollercoasters as they are, but emotional rollercoasters are even worse. I want of you not of me Lord. It's becoming overwhelming to not have my heart lead me in a direction and not know where you want me to go. I can't help, but like this specific girl and wish she was the one you wanted me to be with. I've been praying extensively about a relationship between her and I.

I pray to you, God, that if she isn't the one, that I would not think of my emotions towards her and let it be of something from me. Am I letting my heart choose? I pray to you, God, to have me forget about these feelings if they aren't of you.

Is these reoccurring feelings from you then Lord? Is this your way of telling me she IS the one? It's hard for me to forget about her. When I'm with her I'm FILLED with such joy. I don't expect anything from her. Being in her presence makes me happy. I'm stubborn. Man is stubborn. I'm foolish. Man is naturally foolish. I myself wouldn't know of what is of me and not of you and what is of you is not of me. It is as if I need a clear epiphany from you. A slap to the face, if you will. I really don't know how many more times I could ask for a sign from you. Please Lord.

I pray for knowledge. I pray for wisdom. I pray to know.

But the question is do you want me to know. Man is naturally curious and it's hard for me to try and continue when I don't know. Is this a test of faith? Well I'm trusting in you Lord, but you know my heart and you know I haven't completely let go of myself. I want YOU to lead me. I want YOU to take me where YOU want me. I want YOU Lord. You.

Look left, look right, we all have issues, look up- He's the only One that can help.

User-Submitted — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 18:26:34 -0500

My name is Edna, I am a youth worker at this awesome church on Long Island New York, called the journey. For the past month or so we have been doing a series of messages biased on Isaiah 9:6-- "For a Child has been born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders and he will be called, Mighty Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and Prince Of Peace."

The message and the goal that we are trying to reach is:
teaching our youth more in depth about who God is- that He's more than just this big guy up in heaven, that He is a personal God and He is everything we need Him to be.
each week a leader will tell there testimony and explains how God is their "prince of peace", "Mighty God", "Everlasting Father", or "Wonderful Counselor" and hoping that by giving them the real stories of what God has brought us through and helped us realize what he is to us, that they would in the realest way- figure out just who God is in there own lives.
we decided that we wanted to put together a youth night to show the rest of the church what the kids have learned, and what better way to do that than breaking out into groups biased on interest, talent, and creativity. (which will also teach them to give there talents back to God, and will teach them that God gave them to us to bless others.)
we decided to break out into these groups:
drama
step
poetry/rap/spoken word
preparing the message
art
I am Co-Leading the poetry/spoken word/ rap group.
for me this was very challenging. i find that lately i have been going through so much with my home life, my work life, and just things that i have been wrestling with in my own heart.
it is so difficult to proclaim that God is your peace when you feel chaos, that He is mighty and strong, when you don't know what is next.
i really knew that God was challenging me and trying to prove to me that no matter what is going on He is good and always there.
helping lead always means that you are an example and that you will be showing the kids the direction to go in, so i always have to have material ready. I gave my testimony on how God is a mighty God, and when we broke out into our groups we had made a plan to pick one of the four names and come back the next week with something.

During the brainstorming i was really encouraged to see the kids were really getting the messages that were being spoken on these four names. writing is always very personal and beautiful and it overwhelmed me so much to hear the kids open up about how they were feeling and how they knew God was with them. and even though i felt like i didn't even want to talk about who God was because i was going through so much and i didnt feel like i was proclaiming it as i went through my most recent trials, i was encouraged that they were proclaiming it and it really getting it- and it just felt like God revealed it to me: we all have problems look left, and look right, but look up and I am the only one who will help you.

and the next week that i came in i shared about how God is MY mighty God:

The girl standing right here was a drinker
felt the force of her fathers five fingers
these hands have felt the grip of every vice
making evert wring turn and paid the price
born to a single mother
who couldnt make ends meet
had to make it on my own at just 13
brokenhearted iver my big sister just buried six feet deep
defeat was nothing new but i didnt have a clue
it would over take in a way that made it hard for me to change
when i met You i was afraid
didnt ever expect such a love to come my way
lift my face
calm my fears dry my tears
call me out by name
you are my mighty God
you were with me all along
when i was weak you kept me strong
you are my mighty God
through the sting of every pain
now Your lighting up my face
changing all my sinful ways
healing all my pain
you are a mighty God who will never be put to shame.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sometimes you dont realize things until you see it in others
we all need the help of others, in fellowship, in relationship
with one another, we all need heart support. we need each other
but the more importantly the one who created our hearts. Jesus.
I'm so thankful that He overcomes my doubts and that He allows
us to always come out in victory.
thank you.

I'm fustrated with self. I feel as if i am becoming like Eli from the old testament.

User-Submitted — Wed, 14 Dec 2011 03:56:48 -0500

I have been throughout the beginning of this year grown closer to god and had a fire passion to preach God's message, i paroled through streets looking for someone to share the gospel. Suddenly satan was scared of me as he could see he had no control over me. He distorted by discernment of God's voice giving me confusion this made mad, i acted like a mad person. I would walk back and forth as i was uncertain whether God was telling me to do something or not. My parents were worried to the state they gave me warnings if i didn't stop they would send to me to see a doctor. After this summer, I won that battle. But Satan had another Goliath for me to face and that was porn and masturbation, in the past i won that battle but it came back again. Now i am trapped i like the feeling porn gives me but i know it's wrong, i know deep inside of me i am not willing but also deep inside me there is a cry within me to stop. Everyday i wish i woke in the future with a wife by my side to my sexual urges. I have several accountability partners, i have had porn filters. I would just rather die before doing so repent be clean then enter heaven. I feel as if i am in a luxury hotel that fits my sexual needs but the hotel is surrounded with explosives ready to kill me. I have to leave the hotel but it's so nice. If i stay i die. If i go lose what my urges dreams of. I feel like am fighting Goliath with no arms. I struggle finding a friend that is just about the best christian they don't seem to exist. I feel comfortable with porn untill i see the people who cry out for god and this convicts me. What am i going through? What is happening to me? What can i do to refuel this passion for god enough to quit porn and be victorious in many other battles of my life?

You were given this life, because you are strong enough to live it.

User-Submitted — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 17:55:08 -0500

Depression, to most people who don't know about it would say this is something mental people go through. People who are not normal, who have "issues." Honestly in my opinion these people who say these things have no idea what they are talking about.
My story started when I was eleven years old. I didn't live in the nicest of towns, fights and gangs took place there. I was only in seventh grade and I already saw kids my age drinking alcohol at lunch and sniffing cocaine up their noses. I didn't understand what was going on. I thought that I would be stuck here forever and never have a way out. I thought because everyone at my school was doing this I would eventually start doing it too. At school I would always pretend like I was ok and to my parents as well. They had no idea the pain I felt in my heart. I went through so much. I didn't feel i belonged in this world. I thought my only option was failure. I cried every single night at home. Right after school I'd go to my bathroom, just sit on those tile floors and cry. Cry until my eyes dried out. I tried everyday to be happy and positive but I was just always let down. I lost confidence in myself. I saw fights every day. Guys physically hitting girls in front of my eyes and no one would stop them. Why did no one stop them?
This went on for a year, then it was a new year and I thought it would be a new beginning. Turns out it wasn't everything was the same and I still felt like shit. I began cutting myself, and thinking of suicidal thoughts. It was hard, really hard. My mom and dad finally realized what was happening at my school and they began house hunting. They were ready for us to move and find a new home and live in a better environment.
As a couple months went by and my pain was getting worse. They finally found us a new home. Our house is beautiful. I thought moving would make things better, I thought I'd be happier and more excited. I was but that didn't last for long. I still mourned every night crying and crying.
I had my own room this time and my own bathroom so it was even harder for my parents to notice. Plus, my dad was working harder and so was my mom since our taxes and bills were higher then our old home. I still cut myself on my wrists and thought the things I thought, only it was even worse. I had plans to kill myself on a certain day and at this time exactly. But something always stopped me. I think it was hope. I think I still had that one ounce of faith in myself that I'd someday get out of this mess and maybe one day I wouldn't feel like this. As high school came around being a freshmen was really scary and being the "new kid" was even more frightening. I had friends but I hadn't known them since kindergarten like everyone else did. Going through depression I felt negativity surrounding me. The atmosphere in my mind was always bad and cynical. I never felt like myself. I lost who I was as a person. In some ways I thought I had no purpose in life. I thought I was a mistake. My life felt like a lie, I felt like a lie because I was. No one knew who I was or what I wanted in life. Family parties were always tough because I had to put on a face like nothing was wrong with me.
As months went by and summer came along I gained more friends but I was lying to them and myself. I always told myself I was ok when I wasn't at all. Finally one day my parents saw what was happening, my dad mainly. He realized something was happening to me and he asked me if I was depressed but I didn't know I was until that day when he asked me. I kept crying in front of him and I responded with "I don't know dad." And I saw his eyes, I think his heart sank because he knew I wasn't ok. He got me help but for some reason my mom never believed I was really going through this. She always denied. She still does but I know someday maybe she'll see what I mean.
I got a therapist who helped me so much. I found myself and slowly got better. Now I'm a sophomore in high school and I feel much, MUCH better about myself. I still struggle everyday but we all have to get up everyday and look forward to something.
I was on the internet a few months back and I saw this quote it stated, "You were given this life, because you are strong enough to live it." And that day was when I told myself to get up and be as strong as you can be. I have meltdowns but then again doesn't everyone? Now I focus on things an actual teenager should focus on. Me, boys, school, grades, girl drama, and just having fun. :)

I have this dream, to sing and act when I grow up. I want to play a character in a movie. Live and learn the perspective of a different persons life. Inspirational movies would be something I'd like to be a part of. I also want to share my story to people who might have gone through something like this. I want them to all know that you are here for a reason. And maybe someday you will figure out what exactly that reason is. And to who ever reads this, don't ever give up on your dreams because you are capable of getting there. Whether it be to become an astronaut, you build a rocket and fly to outer space! Or to be a race car driver, speed is all you need. Life is about dreaming big and going for them because no one wants to live the rest of their life saying "What if?" Do you? I know I don't.

It comes with the territory

User-Submitted — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 12:34:37 -0500

So my name is Andrew and I am 21 years of age.
Now growing up was one of the hardest,if not,the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I went to public school until I hit 8th grade.When I hit 8th grade my family,which consisted of my dad and grandmother saw that I was jus destroying myself with all the crap that is in a public school.
So they sent me to a private Christian school.
Well,to say the least,that did not work.It actually mae things worse.I didn't fit in anywhere I went.All the kids thought I was a "fag" and a "goth kid" which at that time I sorta was but not to an extreme.I was jus misguided by the world.So then I started to run razors across my skin.I became addicted to it.Addicted to seeing my blood flow and addicted to the way it fault.The principal and teachers found out and of course so did the other students.They all made fun of me or gave me some sort of negative attention about it..Which in turn made me feel so much worse.
And what came next shouldn't have bein such a surprise.
An attempt to end this life.
I ate a whole bottle of pills that I thought were trazadones.Well it turns out,they were only diphenhydramine[benedryl] so I didnt die just passed the eff out and woke up in the hospitol.
From there I went through all kinds of rehabs and met this girl who I thought was attractive.We started hanging out and she smoked cigarettes so I started smoking too.
That's when I got to smoke weed for the first time.After that,it was a done deal.I started getting into harder drugs eventually and then I found opiates..Which became my favoriote drug type.They took away my physical pain,my mental pain and replaced it with what I thought was euphoria but now I kno its false happiness.Started shooting heroin snorting oxy popping any kinda opiate i could get my hands on from morphine to oxycodone to fentenyl.Along with the good feelings I got with using,what came after was a prehell.If I didnt have any opiates I fell into opiate withdrawl wihich is a TERRIBLE experience.My body ached so bad,I couldnt sleep,couldnt eat,my anxiety was threw the roof.It fet like you were dying o some sort of sickness.Then I entered jail for the first time for trying to break into a liqour store for liqour to ease my withdrawls.I got caught and sent to jail.I skipped bail 3 times and ended up gewtting sntenced to around 4 months in jail.Jail sucks,lets leave it at that.You have VERY limited freedom.
I got out and did the same dang thing over.I started using again and got readdicted.I was on probation and stopped seeing my PO.Eventually the cops caught up with me and I had to serve my time instead of the probation.I did 4-5 months in jail.This time i became an inmate worker and entered a jail pod that had no doors on its cells,two tvs in the day room,double food servings,despite the horrible food and many other "freedoms" that inmates in the other pods never had/have.I learned alot there and got out.I resisted drug use for awhile but started using suboxone again.And to this day I still take it.I am a Christian,a born again Jesus Loving God Fearing Christians and I kno that taking suboxone is wrong.It helps me get threw my days..But I should rely only on God..As a Christian I kno what is right and what is wrong deep down.I got a job and about a month and a half ago i quit that job because they abused me.Now here I am writing this to warn you all..Please dont stick a needle in your arm.Please dont smoke weed it IS a gateway drug.All drugs are gateway drugs.
When I tried killing myself I Hated God,I rebeled against everything He wanted me to do.
Now,I am a born again Christian but I still have my flaws.I still use Suboxone to elp me get through Life.And our society,I see so many that were/are like who I once was and no one wants to listen t me.Not my old friends no one.
Until yesterday.Yesterday I had a friend who moved away tell me that if it weren't for me,he would have never Found God.I had a victory in Christ,somethin I always wanted! Even if you are stuck,like I am,have Faith,like I do.
Because even when I dont have any suboxone,I wake up,thank God for every day,every meal and end my nights with Prayer requests,repentance and other similiar things.Nobody is perfect and none of us will be until we die and reach outside into the realm of the timeless where God and the others who have found God await.There is alwqays Hope!
I used to be the most rebellious person ever.I vandalized my private school.I shot heroin.I smoked Crack cocaine,I rebelled against everything.
Now Ive grown up and I have realised why God put me here.
It was too help otehrs Find Him.I am a Messanger.
God Bless you all and anyone who reads this..I thank you.
As a side note,I Believe I will quit Suboxone oneday that is if I still have enough time,if you get what I mean.
Our world is filthy.Our government is run by satanists.
Be careful of what is out there.
GOD BLESS!

Everything Is A Blessing.

User-Submitted — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:23:21 -0500

Every single thing that happens to you in your life is a blessing and a sign from God. Every. Single. Thing.

Think about that for a moment. I mean it. Every. Single. Thing. The story I'm about to share with you all doesn't sound like a blessing at all. It's a sad story, and has left me with many mixed emotions of sorrow, and guilt... But it's a blessing nonetheless.

Before I begin, I should give you some background. I'm 19, I'm in a serious, yet long distance relationship with my boyfriend (of 1 year), who lives in Washington State, I live in Toronto, Canada. We're both Christians.
So of course when he and I do get to see each other, we don't leave each other's sights for the duration of the visit. Every moment we have together is precious, and it just reminds us that someday we won't have to say goodbye at the end of the week, when it's time to go home.
But I digress.
A few weeks after his last visit, I noticed that I was feeling... off. I was overly-emotional, tiring way too easily, and feeling this sharp pain in my lower abdomen. I was also spotting, which was unusual for me, but I thought nothing of it. I thought it was my period.

A few days later, I was in this really intense pain, and it felt like something had "fallen out" (so to speak) (I don't want to go into details. I'm sorry). It was accompanied by bleeding, and a soreness where the pain was before. Google searches and a visit to the doctor confirmed what I definitely did NOT want to hear: Miscarriage. For a few weeks, I was pregnant and didn't even know it. And now I'm not. I lost the baby I didn't even know I had.

How could that even happen? I instantly felt relief. I'm in no shape to be raising a child now, at this age, with my boyfriend so far away, and besides, I wasn't even expecting to even be pregnant. How can I feel grief for the child I didn't even know I carried? I feel guilty for feeling those things now.
After talking to my boyfriend and a lot of prayer, I almost felt worse. Did God feel like I was an unfit parent? Would I have been incapable of keeping her (my boyfriend and I decided to give the baby a gender, so we would refrain from constantly referring to her as 'it' or 'the baby') safe? It wasn't fair. Unfit parents have children all the time. I would have adored this baby, and I would have given her everything she would have needed. She wouldn't be away from her Daddy for long, and we'd be a family and it would be fine.

I was selfish to think that way. And after more prayer I know that my baby is safe in heaven with God. God didn't take my baby away to punish me. My boyfriend and I weren't careful enough, and we shouldn't be engaging in such acts until we're together... Without saying goodbye. We can't have a family when we're not together. It's not what God intended.
This was a lesson, not a punishment. God wants us to learn from our mistakes, and He's there to teach us, so long as we are willing to learn from them, and not to reject them as "punishments" or to feel like God has forsaken us when we feel like we're going through troublesome times.
I know that I wasn't even aware that I had this baby until she was gone, but she has already taught me so much. I feel like this experience has made me a much stronger Christian. I'm still sad, but I still feel as blessed as before... If not more blessed, because God and my baby were able to teach me such a valuable lesson.
Blessings come in different shapes and sizes, and they're found in every scenario, every situation whether good or bad.
Everything is a blessing. Every. Single. Thing.

Finding My Companion

User-Submitted — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:23:14 -0500

This has been something on my mind for the past week and was hoping if I posted this anywhere else besides Tumblr here would be a good spot to share.

Ever since I’ve come to college I’ve been thinking “maybe God has the girl of my dreams” or “my future wife could be here”, but it’s probably not the case. This is really a lot for me to talk about because me talking about love is really delving into my being. It’s something very VERY personal that the two followers I have is lucky to even read. To get back on topic, I’ve been really thinking about this lately because I see attractive, pretty, and cute girls all over campus every single day. It’s hard for me to think to myself otherwise because it’s that kind of companionship I’ve been wanting as far as I can remember and it’s a reminder of how hard for me it would be to approach my future spouse. It’s even harder for me to picture myself with a cute or adorable girl because I’m not an attractive person. Now looks isn’t important to me. Of course it’s the insides that count, but how could you not think the girl you love and adore is not cute. :) I’ve been longing for someone I can hold and comfort physically and be comforted in return.

I then come to realize something. God is going to find my companion. It’s hard for me to come to this conclusion because my exposure, if you will, to attractive females throughout college. Before someone says something, these aren’t lustful thoughts. I merely see a girl and think she’s pretty (if this is lustful then I apologize because I did not know this.) But I have to remember to remind myself that God gives companions. For Adam it was Eve for Abraham it was Sarah, etc. This is a reminder for not just me, but for whom will read this post. God has someone for you.

P.S. This is my first post on Heart Support let alone a blog so I would love some constructive criticism

Making God Smile

User-Submitted — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:22:47 -0500

My entire life has been centered around making people proud of me. I recently stood in worship of an amazing God and truly set every worldly worry aside and His love washed over me and I couldn't even stand on my wont feet under the weight of His presence. I saw His face, the joyous smileing face of Jesus and He danced. He danced in joy because of me. Because He is proud of me. I dawned on me that I don't need people of this world to be proud of me, I over came that because God is proud of me and dances when he sees me calling out to Him and using my gifts and voice for his work here on earth. Please if you feel the need to strive for the acceptance of people or for them to look at your personal accomplishments and be in awe know that God is already proud of you and His love is far above any you will ever find any where.

Pills in my blood

User-Submitted — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:22:41 -0500

Im Tylor, Im from a little town in Indiana named Francesville. Im 18 years old, and i grew up in a good christian home and my grandfather is the pastor of my church, im an active musician and it all started in eighth grade when i got hurt in football(shoulder dislocation), in the course of four years i had three different surgeries, and i was constently on pain medication, well i got addicted and about a month ago my parents found an empty pain pill bottle that had fifteen pills in it the night before, i had taken them all over the course of the day, well of course they were angry, because i came very close to knocking on deaths door, and then they talked to me about it and i decided then i needed to straighten up my life, my brother shane(twitter @internalcannon) told me about heart support so i got on the website and read testimonies and things of such and it gave me an incouragement to go to god to quit because it wasnt easy, but its been almost two months and i havent had a single pill, nor a single problem quitting, its by the grace of god and heart support that im alive and quit and living life to the fullest and the cleanest way possible, so thank you heart support and jake and kris, i would give up anything to bless you guys, your work is amazing and god should bless you tremendously. God Bless, and if anyone has any questions, you can email me at brootaltylor@gmail.com, or get ahold of me on twitter, my name is @brootaltylor. I hope my story has touched you and you can learn, you need to surrender yourself to god to truely let him work everything out for you. Be a willing vessel, and just listen and LetGOdwork.

My Problem with Pain

User-Submitted — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 01:36:55 -0500

My story is simply that of personal pain. On a universal scale, my pain measures up to the of a fish in the sea, but I need to express myself and find comfort in some medium.

I have liked a girl for around five years and time after time I was told that the feelings were mutual and that my chance would be given. This girl has some skeletons in the closet but what drew me to her was the shared insecurities and the understanding of each other we've had since day one. I didn't care about the guys she had chosen to date or the things that she struggles with in the world. To me that was all a past that I would help her erase.

This last week, I found that she and my best friend since grade school are more or less committed to each other. This has happened to me in the past so I figured I could handle it. I have never been so wrong in my life.

The grief I feel is so strong that I can physically ill. I'm shaky and sleep deprived and can't stomach food.

I don't ask for your sympathy, I just simply ask for help.. guidance..anything. I've been delving in the bible for 3 days now looking for nothing in particular but comfort in the Lord seems so far lost. I guess that means I am lost.

Worthless. Now Worth Something

User-Submitted — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:36:33 -0500

My name is jason i stink at grammar and i used to be the biggest piece of crap u could think of not giving a crap about anyone else or even myself . i was about 17 years old when my church youth leader asked me to go see this band pillar yea i know i had no idea who or what it was and id rather go get high under a bridge then go to philly to see a show i had no idea what to do at. i had a safe zone under my bridge with my drugs. The youth leader proceeded to pay for my ticket and told my mom not to let me go anywhere that day and she would come get me it was kind of a cool thing to see someone give a crap about me for once. but i went to the show and saw 12 stones pillar and skillet was a fun show and once i got a job at the local hot topic i was introduced to who is now one of the craziest bands from Lancaster ABR yea i know its corny but i remember the Christmas shows at the legion before they stopped shows. but i was like wait u can love god and be about metal? it changed my life forever. a little over a year and a half ago i got to voulenteer for the dvd shoot for ABR and to meet everyone now in the band couldnt have came at a better time i had fallen away from christ , in the years after the christmas show its sad but seeing jake and matt and everyone be so about god and being in a power position in the music industry is kind of a be deal but my piont is god always has a funny way of sneaking back into my life when i need him the most and now realizing he never left.

How Long Could it Of Lasted?

User-Submitted — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 05:26:46 -0500

How Long Could It Of Lasted?

my story isnt much different from anyone elses that had dealt or is dealing with depression. but my story to connect with god, christ, anything of a higher power. is magicial and means alot. i owe it all to jake lurhs.

starting off in highschool, my life was fine, i had just gotten in, scared stepping through the big glass doors of the bricked building. entering a new home, a new place for the first time. but life started off fine, til the drama that follows highschool. in my grade 9 year. was a good time, i had started off strong, ready to learn and change. but, it wasnt, for the best. my life on october of my grade 9 year, was shit, i started doing drugs, and drinking, all the perks of high school,

i stopped drinking, but the drugs made me feel so good at the time. i went and spent every ten bucks i had on any type of drug. i would wonder and wake up why has it already gone so bad. then i met my first. she wasnt the one, but she had tried to commite suicide and blames it all on me, causeing me to go into depression. then bullying had started on me, all from my elemtry school years. it all caught up!

nothing but name calling anything to bring down a person and want them to die. after the summer had reached, i sat inside scared to walk my own towns streets. i would literally walk 5 minutes to the skatepark, and skate for about 3 minutes until someone had showed up, i didnt enjoy being around people other then my friends. grade ten rolls around, and bam instead of drugs this time it was drinking, and adult porn. it wasnt a pretty time, but every year i had gotten darker and darker. then i had finally met the girl i love, atleast thought i could love. she was all but great, minus the drinking, i had stopped drugs, and stopped drinking, and then she would use it all against me, she would drag me to parties, and make me get drunk. i started to feel shameful of myself, and nothing but guilt. i started to fall in love tho with this girl because she was everything i could see, i could be with. but then it turned down hill. she got jealous over my sister, my close friends. and i had to choose, i said im not choosing, then she went home, called me later that night and ended it. over the phone, i was in this depressed stated. talked to her the next day, and then tried to be friend but then we went back to secretly being together, best friend starts to date her, and she cheats on himw ith me, etc. now were here at mid grade 12. she threatens me, using all my weakness as her stregthns saying. you talk to me, we never talk again. so i brought her socks she had left over ealier in the week, and i turned around and pounded my friend in the face. it was a dark time.

nothing but regret in the cell, nothing but guilt. i felt so bad, handcuffed, and put in jail. this is nothing but sucking for me now, i wanted to kill myself in that cell, i took the blanket made a rope out of it, and tried to hang myself, they put me in a new cell with nothing but four blank grey walls. i was finally released. went home to nothing but memories, not able to say sorry to her or him, to this day i know i still love her, and want to make it all better for her, but 7 months of attempts of trying to commit suicide, pills, drugs, alcohol, cutting, starvation dehydration. i was finally able to talk about it with my counsoller. and to this day, i regret it all. i still love her and all but now that she is back in my life, she is causing more drama. im only 18 how long could it last? it has to end but she means alot. now that i have a new girlfriend i really care about, drinking free, drugs free. she wants back in my life, and is doing everything she can. she is starting rumors, she is harrasing this girl. the girl i am dating doestn deserve this. causing me to think depression time all over again. im ready to end it, but as i came to heart support.com. i viewed jake lurhs video his story, made me relize, hey, christ if your real, you show it to me now! you make me think your really there. and i had thought of everything i had battled with my soul, my arms, all the scars are nothing but stories. anyone asks, i tell, its a story im proud of today because of how far i have come. i found jesus, christ, and god, on november 3rd, 2011. and im only 18,

my life, is nothing but a battleground, nothing but a story, and finding who is the poppy flowers, and the peace, is the true war.

i am karl blake. i have endured nothing but pain, heartache, and depression and thoughts of suicide. no longer, no more, i am who i am today because of who i was yesterday, and who i am tomorrow is because of who i was today.

thank you god, and anyone who care relate to my story, i hope it can help you, i hope it can really have you think of a better life,

i love you jake, i love you god, christ, jesus, you are who i am today.!

Sincerely Karl.

PS: i care about my girlfriend more then anything, and if she ever reads this i hope she will see how she means to me. i want nothing more then her.

Only God is perfect.

User-Submitted — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 02:15:36 -0500

My mom told me once that a morning I woke up I ran to her and said "Mama Jesus came in my room last night and gave me a big hug!". I remember seeing an angel in my Nana's room on weekends I would spend the night with her. I've always seemed lonely, but I was never alone.

Growing up was a bit of a ride. I had a bond with my Dad and me and my Mom didn't know each other very well. My Mom & my best friend really did in on my self-esteem. I didn't feel like I was anything. I lived for the moments my Dad and I would be together and the moments I had fun like a kid should with my best friend (my cousin). My parents split when my sister was about two (I was 9 at this point). I spent days stuck in my room by myself. I would drown myself and video games because thats all I had to remind me of my best friend. I held on to those memories so much that I think I forgot how to make more good ones. I was always on my toes. Always been scared that no one liked me. If someone was whispering and then laughing, then it was about me. My self-concept was empty. But what I believed was not. That has always been the most consistent thing and love in my life. He has thrown me through the ringer. My mother's rage, my best friend ditching me, the feeling of having to protect and do all for my sibling when I am not the parent. Going through seperated relationships whatever they may be is one of the most difficult things. I tried to fill the holes in my heart that others left. I had soo much love to give I had to find someone. and everytime I was let down it just shot through me. I discovered hurting myself in the middle of middle school. I was so angry and let down that I clawed skin out from my leg. Then I started getting something sharp enough to scar my skin with, but not to bleed. I just wanted to feel something. & everytime I would cry. Dissapointment in myself to the extreme. Even if no one knew I did that, I feel like I had let them down. Let God down. That wasn't who I was. What happened to my strength?
I found it in 11th grade of high school. I moved on. Got away from the bad influences and found good people that would hear me out. That even had the same problems as I. I saw what God had done for me. He showed me real love and friendship. I tear up thinking about it. Those were some of the happiest memories. Well, our friendships aren't the same, but the love is still there. There is no denying God where we stand.
I often wonder.. if the people that surround me get tired of my problems. My boyfriend has. & I'm starting to wonder if a relationship is worth all this over. Worth getting physically sick over. Worth all the worry. I am not perfect, not even close to it. But I have all this love to give. All I want is to be loved as much as I dish out.
God sits at the end of my bed, and we have wonderful conversations. He is the peace of mind I need to rest my head at night. I know he will show me where he's leading me, but at one step at a time. I'm still learning a lot about everything.
& my dream is music. He has shown me this. I have a voice and have something to say. I was to relate to others and inspire. But I'm not perfect. I'm awefully anxious actually. But I can be optimistic often more than anything. Everyone needs a good cry now and then. There's no shame in it.

I'm in a rut this very second. I don't know where I am headed in my relationship, but God has talked to me and told me He knows what He is doing. It can be hard to sit back, relax and let him dust of our road.
Its been three days since I've talked to the one I love. But I'm letting it unfold before me. Every move we make, isn't a mistake.

Seeking His Will

User-Submitted — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 19:22:51 -0400

At a young age of just 13, I saw so many older kids falling in and out of relationships. I made a purpose in my heart with God to be different. When I fell in love, I wanted it to be a rare thing and something special; something that people look at and say "There different than the rest."
I would pray every night saying, "Jesus, if the person you want me to be with is out there right now, I pray that you would put them with me in my life and make it known to me."
Every day, I would wake up and wonder if today would be the day. I finally ended up talking to a girl at my school who had been there the whole time, but I had never engaged in conversation with her. We became best friends. We told each other everything! It was the first time in my life that I'd ever had someone like that in my life.
I ended up talking to God about something different each night and would pray, "Dear Jesus, if she is the right girl for me, I want you to show me. If I am suppose to be with her, I pray that you put me in a relationship with her within the next 3 months."
Even to me, it seemed kind of silly to pray such a thing but I didn't want to end up in a bunch of different relationships like I have seen so many times before.
As the months went on, I wondered if she would be the right person. It wasn't until the last night of those 3 months, on Independence Day, that she ended up saying, "Ya know? You still haven't asked me out yet." I got the biggest smile on my face in that moment and thanked God.
It has been 4 and a half years since then, and we are still the best of friends. No matter what conflict we go through, I know that it is the will of God that we are suppose to be together.
Knowing God's will and sustaining God's will are two very different things. When you are trying to stay in the will of God, trials and tribulation will be hurtled at you constantly. No relationship is perfect. There will be arguments and things said that aren't meant but faith has to be a regular action in our lives. I know who I am suppose to spend the rest of my life with but there is no way on earth that a relationship will prosper in your own strength.
You will fall into sin, ask for forgiveness, and repeat the cycle but it's always about trying to maintain a consistency of going back to Christ and realizing your faults and accepting the fact that you need to be forgiven.

Stuck in Grief

User-Submitted — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 19:22:06 -0400

In 3 months I lost 6 friends. 1 of those people was my best friend. She had helped me through a lot of family challenges. She was always there for me no matter what time of day it was. She always knew just what to say. At her funeral, I spoke of how her advice was so wise and beyond her years that it was truly a gift. Her death was so tragic and so sudden. She died because of an alcohol inducing drug overdose. The tragic part of the story is the fact that she had never taken these drugs before that night. It was purely experimental. She died of a bad choice leaving the rest of her families and friends to wonder of what might have happened if we had stopped her. She was not with her friends at the party. If she had been, she would have been taken to the hospital immediately. I believe that if the people at the party had taken her to the hospital instead of worrying about getting in trouble themselves, she would still be alive. It has been a month and 14 days since she died. I have my good days and bad. Lately I have been forgetting she is gone, so when i pick up my phone to call her and remember, its like losing her all over again. I am stuck in my grief.

I Really don't know who i am.

User-Submitted — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 00:42:23 -0400

This story is very simple but very hard for me to comprehend. I dont understand why i am the way i am. It started when i was young, didn't lose my parents but they were never there since i was 6. My mother didn't do it on purpose, but im not sure about my father. Now, my mother went into a coma while i was in my 2nd year of school. I had a friend that i loved. But of course you don't tell your 2nd grade bestfriend that you like em! It just makes it awkward haha. Anyways, we did everything together. She held a part in me my mom once did. She was so special too me, and we remained trustworthy until i turned 13. For my 13 birthday i went to my home country and due to some paper work that wasnt accepted i had to stay an extra month with my family that lives there. My so called friends got me porn, and a hooker for my birthday. I had already begun an interest in woman sexually when i was very young... I just dont know why i have this need for sexual desires. I never mean for it, it just has power over me. So, me and Jesenia(my bf) got together in middle school, after that summer of my birthday. I came back ruined, tainted with the truth behind my desires. 2 months into our relationship my eyes got attached to another girls chest and with a little encouragement from the opposing forces i ended up leaving her for this other womans body. I didnt think bad of it back then, but now that im wiser it kills me inside. She was a potential soul mate. After her, i have never been trustworthy to any of my girlfriends. I've slept with way too many people to even trust myself with anyone. All i ever think about is the womans body, all i ever want is to please it. I hate it because i've become a tool, everyone wants to use me. The sad part is i continue to let myself be used, no matter what the consequence. I hurt so many hearts in this life time. So god, who am i? Why can't i be a normal person? Why can't i just love, and have faith in another. Believe in another human being so i can finally be at peace. I dont know why my impulses get the best of me. I need guidance Jake. I don't know what to do. Because i've done it again, a new relationship, same old games. Im done hurting people, but its hard to leave her. She is my influence for all the drugs, alcohol and sex i have. Honestly, i would be happy without any of the three listed above. But i fear ive lost myself in myself.. Dont know if that makes sense, but please help :/ i dont know where else to turn. i Feel this world would be better off without another burden.

Pills To Prayers

User-Submitted — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 18:19:56 -0400

I had a problem with painkillers. I used them to fill the emotional void I now know God fills. At the time, I was a heavy user, and I didn't know how close I was coming to overdosing. Then, I finally found God. My life has been challenging still, but easier to handle.

Answer

User-Submitted — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 15:10:15 -0400

Your answer to all your problems? Leave it up to God. He will figure it out through his plan for you, one way or another, sooner or later, in a second or a decade. Give it up to him! We are nothing and he is everything.

Living your life SALVATIONALLY and not Situationally! Think about your creator often, and not what might be stressing or worrying you at the moment. We aren't worthy, yet He is... We don't deserve Him, and He still provides!

He's the answer to everything.

What I'm born with

User-Submitted — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 15:09:59 -0400

So I am adopted from Russia. I don't know who my parents were but when i turned 17, my adopted parents and I found out that I have Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder or FASD. This happens when a mother drinks during pregnancy. So i have many problems with self control. I have done drugs, stolen too many times to count, been kicked out of my parents house for staying out too late one too many times, spent ALL of my money, and hurt all that love me. last night I called The Hope Line and the woman I talked to said that I was doing great. I got my GED last summer which she said took tons of self control. I was seeking out help which also showed a bit of hope. So I was referred to this website. I am ready to get better and conquer my problems but i cannot do it alone.

Our God Saves

User-Submitted — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 00:00:24 -0400

24.10 ABR has a gig in Helsinki. I want that my band members come to watch show and see that christian band can be also hard core. Our guitar player have to help his family move to other house so he canno come. So I need to figure how to use that spare ticket.

My good friend, which is also pastor in one pentecostal church call me ask do I have any plans for evening. I say that I am going to ABR gig, and ask I he want to join. He say that I give a try.

The music was not exactly his favourite, but something happen.

After ABR has played, he met one person who want to give life to Jesus. So while A Day To Remember plays, they were praying and he was born again.

That guy was there because he know that ABR is christian band and he might met some christians there. So guys, keep up good work and God bless!!

P.S. Jake, remember when I mention to you that I bring pastor with me when you give me your autograph (that dreadlock fellow)? Yeah, God is awesome!!!

There is never a dead end...

User-Submitted — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 00:00:12 -0400

For most of my life I was a happy person. I never let anything bring me down and everyone knew me as that happy kid. That all changed the summer after my junior year of high school.

My father was ill for about 6 years with endocarditis which is a heart condition. He was always depressed because he also had to be on oxygen 24/7 and his legs were horribly swollen. He was practically immobile. His depression and anger hit me hard and I suffered from anxiety.

I would lock myself in a room in my house and cry and shake and wonder what would become of me. My girlfriend at the time was such a sweetheart and helped me so much that summer. My anxiety got so bad, that I ended up going to a mental hospital for 10 days.

Once I got out on August 3, 2010, I felt great. The mental hospital really helped me and I was ready for my senior year of high school and getting into college.

However, my senior year was horrible. My Dad got worse and it affected my performance in school and I was always a good student, but my senior year was full of C's - F's and I was concerned I wasn't going to get into college.

I didn't apply to colleges until February, which to people who know, is REALLY late to apply to schools. I applied to state schools in Connecticut. I got into all 5 schools I got into and it was such a euphoric feeling. I ended up picking Southern Connecticut State University and am doing my best my freshman year right now. My grades are back to what they used to be and life seems pretty good.

Granted, I still have my bad days like everyone else, but college gives you a type of motivation that you can't get anywhere else. You want to pursue your chosen career and I want to be an english teacher and inspire students and help them.

Thank you all so much for reading my story. Like my title states, there is never a dead end!

God Bless

How God found me....

User-Submitted — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 21:29:22 -0400

For years i lived in sin, shame, remorse, and depression seeking God and looking for truth. I was desperate to find Him cause i knew that thats all that mattered in life and was afraid of wasting it away. I was a slave to this world and a slave to satan until one day a miracle happened. On July 22, 2011 after returning form a deep sea fishing trip with my friends i was getting ready to take a nap when i went to my brothers room and talked. Soon he started telling me whats happening in his life and i saw it as miracles from God and how God is in his favor. I was happy, very happy and i felt reconnected with him in a special way. Then I went in my own bed and wept and cried out to God like i had many times before. The most amazing thing happened to me that ever will. God reached down and touched me, He opened my eyes, He revealed so many things to me, he poured out His love on me, He forgave me my sins, he took my shame, remorse, pain, and depression away! The next day my spirit was so weak and I doubted. For the next few days i doubted, but God helped me believe. Some of the verses that helped me believe were: 'BELIEVE on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved' 'If the Son shall make you free you shall be free indeed.' 'ask and it will be given you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened unto you' 'My grace is sufficient for you' These words hit me like a ton of bricks and i became a believer! Ever since that day the peace that i received is amazing and indescribable. I cry when i think of how God saved me and how much He loves me and how much i love Him. When God reached down and opened my eyes it became so CLEAR to me how deceived satan had had me! For years i had in my mind this image of what a christian is and how he acts and dresses etc etc. God showed me that its not about that but about Him and His Son, that on our own strength we can never be christians and are bound to fail, that without Him we are nothing!, without his grace we would burn, without His love we would die, without His Holy Sprit living in us we cannot walk in truth. without believing in His son we will not see Him, without faith and trust we can not overcome. These verses helped me see: 'there is a way that seems right unto a man but the end is death' 'for we live not under the law but under grace' 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding' 'The heart is deceitful above all else' 'for we walk by faith and not by sight' I put my trust in God and in return he gave me peace. 'Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.' 'for My yoke is easy and my burden is light' Walking with God and having a relationship with Jesus is the most beautiful thing in the world. His spirit is living in me Im learning how to trust and how to have faith. God is still woking in my life and its exciting! He's answering prayers and blessing me a lot! Im so in love with Jesus for what he did for me and my greatest desire in my life is that God would receive glory in everything that i do and say and that i would walk in His truth and commandments.

Why Am I Still Here

User-Submitted — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 18:44:48 -0400

As a kid i struggled with anger and total non-stop depression at ten years old i tried to end my life but i failed. I never felt wanted. The depression and anger got worse over those next few years. I would start to fight a kid just because it was his first day at school or jus look at me wrong. My heart was filled with bitterness rage depression and sorrow. I tried to rid myself of the world by popping pills and women I tried suicide again it didn't work again. around this time i was 14 or 15. Ive always went to church my life but didnt care. This past 2 years i been going to church i was still depressed. "i thought why would a loving God make me suffer?" i kept going to church and this past summer i found myself in the World prayer center at a church in colorado i was just crying and crying to God. This random woman came to me and read me Psalm 25. my heart got completely destroyed. i came home and its like i ignored what God was telling me. got depressed again but it was different this time. before my i went back to school i was at my church almost daily just so i could feel safe and happy then a sunday my church pastor did an alter call and he said raise your hands if u want God as your savior. i was the only one that raised my hand. everyone just stared at me. i cried like a baby. i felt God fill my heart and rid my depression. i havent been depressed since. God showed me that our lives are worth so much more than we think and that we live of the world we become brainwashed and careless mindless sheep. he showed me why im still alive thats to reach out to the hurting angry depressed lost people that dont know him. He gave us all things were good at as a tool for us to show the love of Christ. That was my past and now this is my future i will never give up on God. if you were/are like me id love to hear your story because were not all different. thank you and God bless!

Why Am I Still Here

User-Submitted — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 18:44:45 -0400

What God has done for me.

User-Submitted — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 14:41:03 -0400

A lot of people can’t understand why I believe in something so strongly, why I live most of my life with faith. Everyone has their escape; drinking, drugs, partying, sex, money…I have God. Everyone can easily grab a beer or a joint, I just do things differently; I grab my phone, go into my memo pad and read bible verses. I was like most of my friends before. There was a time where I didn’t believe that a “God” existed, I just believed in nothing. Why you ask? Because I had lost hope.

I was always bullied as a kid; it was either because I dressed different, listened to different music, acted different, because I didn’t hang out with the “cool” kids and just because I was being me. During grade 7 and 8 was when depression really kicked in for me. I was pretty much taunted every day by these kids who just didn’t understand who I was, nor did they take the time to get to know who I was. So, as you can imagine, every day I went to school, I felt as if I was in a long nightmare that just wouldn’t stop. And that’s when I started believing God didn’t exist, because there was no one or nothing stopping the pain I went through.
When high school hit, things seemed so much different then before. I actually felt as if I fit in with everyone, and I didn’t feel so alone. I made friends, I always had plans on the weekend, and most importantly, I always had a smile on my face. Then grade 10 hit, and I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder with Agorophobia. And once that hit…I felt just like I hit rock bottom. I lost a relationship with someone to it, I lost a lot of my friends to it..my social life..I lost everything and I felt like all hope was lost. And when I thought things couldn’t feel or get any worse, my Grandfather passed away the next year, and that is when the depression came back and hit me so hard that I just didn’t feel like living anymore

My Grandpa was the one who was always there to remind me that things would be okay, that no matter what, there was always a brighter side to things. He was my best friend, and there’s no guide on what to do when you lose someone so close to you so, I did what I felt was right. I felt all my hope and faith in anything…gone, in a flash so, I turned to drinking, drugs and self harm in order to cope with how I felt. And I knew what felt right, wasn’t really right.

One day I was laying in my bed, and I just did not want to get up. I didn’t feel like I had a purpose to be up and outside in the world, but something told me to just sit up for even a moment. So, I sat up briefly and with enough strength in me I said “God, if you and Jesus really do exist, and really do care, please show me a sign that things will be okay because I don’t think I can make it. Please show me that you and your love do exist”. And I heard him say to me “Jess, you have nothing to worry about. I do love you and I will take care of you, but right now you need to get out of that bed and live your life like you were meant to do. I will take your depression away from you as long as you get out of that bed”.

I started to remember Isaiah 41:10 which says “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”, and I got out of that bed…and started to live. Let me just say, I’ve never seen change happen so fast before in my life and after months of frowning every day, I actually stood up and smiled.

Some of my friends do different things to cope with life. Me? I don’t drink anymore, I don’t do drugs, I don’t self harm…I just pray.

A lot of my friends tell me I look good and I look happy and they ask me how I did it and I always tell them “It wasn’t me who just helped myself, it was God”. God has really affected my life in so many ways that I could never turn my back on him. He has showed me love, and have showed me compassion, and showed me I can survive any struggles I hit, because HE will always be there with me.

I survived not just because I helped myself, but because God was there, and I haven’t looked back since.

This road has reached a dead end.

User-Submitted — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 04:20:18 -0400

Hey Jake,
when i had nowhere else to look, i found this site. Just wanna start this off by saying thank you for showing me the light. My life as a kid, was not much of anything. My mother moved to the states when i was 3 years old. I was born in El Salvador in the poor side. The day she left i felt my good grace slip away. I struggled to keep happy, to keep faith. Then it was my turn to come to the states, my mother and father were waiting with open arms and lots of love. But that was soon to change when they split a year later and my mom got a boyfriend. A year later when i was six she discovered she was pregnant. Coming November of 2000 my lil sister was born, and my mother was taken. She fell into a coma, and has been in it since. For 3 years, i was not able to see her without breaking down. I felt completely alone, no one understood me so i became anti social. The more these negative thoughts controlled my mind, the more negative energy i was pulsating. My personality, my own lively hood went down hill. I became a distorted reflection of my own self. I became a pervert introduced to pornography at a young age. By my 13th birthday i had lost my virginity. By far its the worst mistake i have ever made. Like you, Jake, i turned to woman, drugs, alcohol to feel something. Love. But i looked for it in the wrong places, and ruined lives of many in the process. I've cut, i've tried crack, drink till you pass out. i thought by becoming someone people wanted was the way to be respected or remembered. All i turned out to be was just a one night stand. And so did a lot of woman. Their broken hearts, their tears, their words of hatred still haunt me. I believe these hauntings have manifested in me to become the ugly being i am today. I have a pornography addiction, masturbation problem, drug problem. Im a compulsive liar, i hate it but i can't seem to stop it. I was gonna move across the country just to escape this reality. I wanted to find my actual calling, the actual reason god put me on this world for. Music has always been a part of my life, but lately its become my life. I can't feel without it, i can't think without it, i can positively express myself through the beat of the music. Your band, ABR, have inspired me, kept my backbone strong and most importantly shown me a light. A light that does not dim on anyone, no matter how much wrong you've done. This light protects me at night when when im alone, it gives me love when im depressed. God is that light. He rescued me from the suicidal thoughts, the suicidal actions i was having. He gave me love, happiness, That smile you mentioned that hardly went away. i have that smile every time i talk to our lord, our father. Now that i think about my life in the picture i want painted for it, i see happiness. The thing my life has been missing to have meaning. For i to give it meaning. I thank you Jake, Matt, JB, Brent, and Dustin. You've truly shown me the way. i love you all, and god bless.

Survival.

User-Submitted — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 13:36:08 -0400

I was always bullied as a kid; it was either because I dressed different, listened to different music, acted different, because I didn't hang out with the "cool" kids and just because I was being me.

During grade 7 and 8 was when depression really kicked in for me. I was pretty much taunted every day by these kids who just didn't understand who I was, nor did they take the time to get to know who I was. So, as you can imagine, every day I went to school, I felt as if I was in a long nightmare that just wouldn't stop. And that's when I started believing God didn't exist, because there was no one or nothing stopping the pain I went through.

As soon as a hit grade 9, the bullying stopped and I was okay. I went out, partied with my friends; I finally felt like I was able to be myself without anyone denying me.

Grade 10 hit, and I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder with Agorophobia, and once that hit...I felt just like I hit rock bottom. I lost a relationship to it, I lost a lot of my friends to it...I felt like all hope was lost. And when I thought things couldn't feel or get any worse, my Grandfather passed away the next year.

The depression came back and hit me so hard that, I just didn't feel like living anymore. My Grandpa was the one who was always there to remind me that things would be okay, he was my best friend. I felt all my hope and faith in anything...gone, in a flash. I turned to drinking, drugs and self harm in order to cope with how I felt. And I knew what felt right, wasn't really right.

One day I was laying in my bed, and I just did not want to get up, and I sat up briefly and said "God, if you and Jesus really do exist, and really do care, please show me a sign that things will be okay because I don't think I can make it". And I heard him say to me "Jess, you have nothing to worry about. I do love you and I will take care of you, but right now you need to get out of that bed and live your life. I will take your depression away from you as long as you get out of that bed".

I started to remember Isaiah 41:10 which says "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.", and I got out of that bed...and started to live.

I've never seen change happen so fast before in my life and after months of frowning every day, I actually stood up and smiled.

I don't drink anymore, I don't do drugs, I don't self harm...I just pray.

A lot of my friends tell me I look good and I look happy and they ask me how I did it and I always tell them "It wasn't me who just helped myself, it was God". God has really affected my life in so many ways that I could never turn my back on him. He has showed me love, and have showed me compassion, and showed me I can survive any struggles I hit, because HE will always be there with me.

I survived, because God was there, and I haven't looked back since.

night mare

User-Submitted — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 16:58:10 -0400

my husband is a church leader who is highly respected in our community for his "high moral standard life". but recently, my niece who has been staying with us since she was 13yrs sent me a text message to confess to me that my husband has been having sexual intercourse with her and i discovered the my husband has actually been in a romantic relationship with her for about a year. he could not deny it because all evidences were so glaring. I had initially had such suspicion when I woke up one night to meet both of them in the living room in total darkness, but he denied vehemently. He said he was only having a talk with her for her own good, the girl also denied vehemently. We are 18years in marriage and the girl, to whom we have played parent role for, is 27years younger than my husband. He started sleeping with her last year when she was 18yrs+. I never thought he could do a thing like that even in his dream. What can I do? We have 3 children, two of which are the same age group with my niece whom their father has been sleeping with.