http://www.heartsupport.com en-us Wed, 31 Dec 1969 19:00:00 -0500 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/buddieswatolietallsummer.html You think you are skinny until you turn on the television. When you see the skinny rockstars that look anorexic or bulimic. My heart just sinks when I see someone thinner than me; people say I'm the skinnest girl in school, but all I see is an obese fatty girl in the mirror and when I look at myself. I take laxatives when ever I eat over 200 cal. Laxatives cost way more than a sixteen year old would like to pay for; but it keeps me beautiful. When I run to the bathroom and sit on the toliet and my body drains of everything I'm happy at the moment, because I knew I just lost some of my weight. Though after an hour you get light headed and more hungry. Laxatives have been my easiest way to stay thin; but they cost so much. I wear size 3 pants and want to be size zero. But it seems that I have to kill myself just to be as skinny as other girls on television.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/buddieswatolietallsummer.html Thu, 24 Jun 2010 11:44:55 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/inoitsbadsowhaycantistop.html i have never been the pretty in my school. because whaen i was 12 years old i was told i was fat by a couple of mean girls. for several months they had tortured me. so all toghether i went home.taking any pills i could find and then made myself throw up on purpose. the next day i stoped eating.the only real meal i eat is dinner. and now those girls want to be my friend. i rejected them as fast as i could. now every one can see my bones through my skin. cause now i weigh 74 pounds. and turning 15 soon. i wear skinny jeans at a size of zero. i need help!!!

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/inoitsbadsowhaycantistop.html Wed, 12 May 2010 16:26:21 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/lifesnowballedtillididntrecognizemeanymore.html I'm 21 and have extremely LOW self esteem and confidence, to the point I can't even talk in small groups cause I feel like everyone is disgusted and judging me. So I'll start where this began growing up I was always in beauty pageants and modeling. Then in the 9th grade my agency told me I needed to lose weight cause I wouldn't get work otherwise. At this point I was on the tennis team, I began only eating dinner and working out 4-6 hours a day everyday. In one month I had lost 40 lbs. I was 5'6 and 100 lbs. I passed out all the time. I kept myself the same size all four years and the agency stopped using me regardless. So then I felt like I had to find my beauty from guys and just moved from one harmful relationship to the next. I went off to college and began drinking and doing drugs because didn't stick around like the guys in highschool so that helped to numb my pain that I felt. My girlfriends noticed that I wasn't eating and really began to criticize me for it. Slowly I made the switch to binging and now for the last 3 years it has became a chain on my life and I can't control it. But I just want to feel pretty again instead of looking in the mirror and seeing a whale. I doubt that anyone could ever truly love me because even my mother says I'm fat. I don't understand and wish I had control of my life instead of this disorder.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/lifesnowballedtillididntrecognizemeanymore.html Sun, 09 May 2010 23:15:07 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/ilooklikecrapeveryday.html I don't know when I develped such horrible eating habits, but this summer I didn't have a job. And all I had to do was lay around. So I gained like, twenty pounds. When you're only 5'5" and already a little chubby, twenty pounds is a SHIT. TON. And now it's like... I know that I look like crap. It's like that feeling you have when you don't take time to plan out what you wear or you don't have time to do your makeup and your entire day sucks because you know you look like a hot mess. Except I can't just go in the bathroom and touch myself up. People that used to stare at me and tell me I was beautiful now look away when I walk by as if I'm too horrible to even look at.
And I know this all sounds pretty pathetic. I'm not even using my real name on this post because I know how ridiculous this is. I always used to be the girl telling her friends that it doesn't matter your size, you can always be beautiful. And confidence is all you need. But... beauty, outter shallow beauty, gives you power in this world. And now that it's gone and it's so hard to lose weight in a healthy way, I feel powerless about EVERYTHING. I'm not on top anymore and it scares me. I feel like no one will hire me because I'm fat and no one will date me because I'm fat. And I knowwww that sounds insane, but I can't get away from the feeling. I'm ashamed to show my face around people that knew me when I was thinner. I hate looking this way and being like this.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/ilooklikecrapeveryday.html Mon, 08 Mar 2010 11:29:22 -0500 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/whenwillitstop.html 3rd Grade: Maybe it was because of my extremely curly red hair, my overweight family history...something, but when I entered this new year I became extremely conscientious about my waist line. When I wore anything, no matter much people could see my figure I sucked it in as long as I could.
4th Grade: November 11, 2002...loss of my brother due to
suicide. I don't know what to say other than that, and even though it's been 8 years I just don't feel like indulging myself in such a memory.
5th Grade-8th Grade: Didn't watch what I ate but I never gained a pound...thank goodness. Yet I still sucked in my stomach and started to suck in ny neck to look defined.
9th Grade: Let's just say my first year of high school wasn't so hot...lost 20 pounds on 6 months but only by starvation and purging. Unfortunately during the summer between 9th and 10th, I gained 10 pound...bring forth self-mutilation. Scraping my legs with sharp brushes, cutting my arms and legs with knives and forcively being clumsy to make it look like I was only being injured "accidentally." Probably had my fair share of suicidal urgencies, but never strong enough to do so...
10th Grade: I gained all of the weight back and plus 5 more...loved the people around me and hated myself.
11th Grade: As of right now I can sum this up as my 8th year of being focused on food and I can't seem to get my mind off of it. I've stopped cutting myself and throwing up, and I've been trusting God more (probably the most I've done since I was 4). Things are looking up but I hate food so much that I sometimes pray that God will get rid of it entirely. Now I have tried so many different styles of dieting...and ever since 6th grade I've probably seen a scale more so than I have seen my best friend. I know what is wrong and what is right but I just don't know how to accomplish. Where has my 'will' gone? Is it gone? When will this be over?

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/whenwillitstop.html Mon, 01 Mar 2010 22:01:55 -0500 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/icantstop.html I have been bulimic since I was 15 years old. I have been hospitalized because of it and I cant talk to anyone about it because i know they will judge me. Sometimes I get so sick and I start convulsing. Its very scary and i wish I could stop. When you have this image in your head that youre not good enough its hard to stop trying to make yourself good enough.. my friend told me about this site and hopefully i can find some way to overcome this. I don't want to hurt anymore..

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/icantstop.html Mon, 01 Feb 2010 10:56:33 -0500 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/fat.html so my problem is i cant stop eating... no matter how hard i try... when i was little i was cute... now im just fat and ugly... food is a comfort for me... when my parents where goin threw there divorce i had a bag of doritos hidden under my bed and i would eat them while i could hear them arguing downstairs... i would also be balling my eyes out cuz i always thought my family was perfect... ive learned better now... i want to loose some weight but i cant stop eating to do so... i really want to stop before i end up morbidly obese at 25... im 16 now and i know if i dont get it under control now i never will... and it will kill me... as much as life is stressful i want to try to live a happy life... no guy wants a fat girl... i just want to grow up and have a family... cant do that if nobody wants to be with you...

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/fat.html Thu, 03 Dec 2009 12:57:12 -0500 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/thestrugglefornormalcy.html My name is Jennifer and I am struggling with bulimia. It has been off and on but mostly on for 4 years. Growing up I was chunky as a child and was teased for the way I looked by the popular girls. I always tried to be a part of them but never could. I tried all sorts of things from trying to buy designer clothes although my parents could not afford it or else I would bring snacks to school and they would all want what I had and I gladly shared just to be a part of them. But in the end it never made me any more popular. Then probably by the 6th grade my mother would start to make comments and told me that it wouldn't hurt to diet and my grandmother criticized me for being a size 9 at the age of 11 or 12. She encouraged me to eat but at the same time she would just sit there and watch me eat. I overheard my mother talking to my father about my weight and so all of these things really took a toll on my self esteem. I also have a strong belief that I was inappropriately touched by a family member on my mothers side and I have this gut feeling that it was my grandmother who was molested as a child. I have never brought this up to anyone out of fear that it may not be true but it's still a gut feeling that bothers me to this day. While I was growing up my mother and I butted heads because even at a young age I could sense she was very self centered. She would do things to spite me even as a young girl or she would fight with me like she was a child herself and she had told me when I was a freshman in highschool that I was jealous of her. It was really confusing and hurtful because I had never been jealous or had the thought even cross my mind. With my mother and I not getting along I felt empty and started to search for love in all the wrong places. Then in 2004 I weighed 160 pounds with a height of 5'3". I had tried to vomit once before just to see if it would work because I was desperate to lose weight. I didn't like it and never did it again until 2005. I started working out at a local gym and was losing weight but went home one afternoon and binged because I had been restricting my eating and I was never the same after that. I have been battling bulimia for four years now and I also have bouts of depression. I was in therapy for a year but got laid off from my job and was left with no health insurance. To this day I can't visit a therapist or doctor because it is too expensive without health insurance. I was in recovery for three months while in therapy and then when I had to stop I spiraled out of control again. I know what the triggers are but I just keep up this cycle of bingeing and purging. I get upset or my boyfriend will say some hurtful things and I will go home and binge because food is my comfort. It makes me feel safe and no one knows. I am in my own little secret world where I can feel safe. I take measures to make sure that I am not detected such as bingeing and purging when I know that my boyfriend will be at work or when no one is around. I plan binges. I take great measures to clean up and shower and look presentable and it is just so exhausting. I am desperate to feel normal again. I just want this to stop. I cry everytime I fix a meal that I will binge on because I know what I am doing to myself. I get so depressed because my life revolves around food. My moods are mostly sad lately. I sleep excessivley, I am emotionally unstable, I am chronically irritable and I need to see a doctor or psychiatrist but I can't afford it. I came here for support and help or advice because I know that I will continue to spiral out of control and no one is aware. I want to tell my family about it. My sister knows that I had struggled with it in the past but she doesn't know it's returned. I want to tell but at the same time I want that comfort that food provides and it's something in my life that I can control.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/thestrugglefornormalcy.html Wed, 28 Oct 2009 15:56:59 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/dyingandstartingnottocare.html 350 pounds keeps me from repeating my childhood abuse in men's bedrooms, even if it doesn't keep out of an addiction to porn. They say I need a tracheostomy, but my lungs would collapse with all that weight. My sleep apnea is making me swell up and turn blue and I dream I'm dying. Sometimes I hallucinate when I can't breathe. An eating disorders counselor said my case was too complicated to treat. My regular counselor can't see me more than every two weeks and we either end up doing paperwork for insurance or somebody or wheelchair transport gets me there too late for the appointment. I also have several other handicaps. Including Asperger's Syndrome, like Einstein had, a neurological disorder, which means I'm articulate with a genius IQ, but I have no social skills or understanding of daily living skills. Professionals say I'm smart enough to overcome that but after sixty years I'm still stuck with every body writing me off as being odd and having no successes under my belt. I thought I was used to rejection and could make it alone, just God and me. But I found this church I really like a lot just two blocks away. I felt somewhat accepted there. I knew I was making the pastor nervous and kept trying to talk to him and ease his mind, which was the wrong thing to do. He tried hard to submit to his Christian values of accepting everyone. But he's a devout family man and thought I had a crush on him and could barely stand me. That was my last social contact. I managed to get out of the caffeine and sugar in the name of losing weight and living, but I'm beginning to wonder what my purpose is in trying so hard. I'm not going to have any people to talk to or any life to speak of if I make it and I'm not clear God hasn't abandoned me too. I know I need medication to cope, but it causes weight gain so I can't take it.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/dyingandstartingnottocare.html Mon, 26 Oct 2009 13:32:16 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/cananyonehelpme1.html Okay, so I'm 23 years old, and have been cutting since I was seven. I have also gone as far as to try to commit suicide. (by more than just cutting) I don't like that I feel that this is the only way I can cope. But it seems to be the only thing that makes me feel better. I also suffer from Bulimia, Anorexia, and Alcoholism. But back to the cutting...I cut because I need to know I'm alive, I cut because I need that control, I cut because I have to, I am the mother of a 2 year old little boy. In the beginning when I started cutting it was because I wanted to, and now everyone compares it to an addiction, for a while I thought I had control over it, but soon it was controlling me...
I wake up in the morning and it's like being wrapped up in saran wrap, and as the day goes on it get's pulled tighter and tighter, and the longer I wait it's like I have to cut it free. It started off when I was about 7 or 8, I've been cutting for 15 or 16 years. That's more than half my life. I actually cut last night. I don't cut every day but close to it. It used to be a once a month thing, then a once a week thing, and now it's almost an every day thing if not twice a day. It's not usually a question of will I or wont I, it's more a question of where, and how deep, or how big of an area. I don't even really hide it anymore. I usually use alcohol to sterilize the razor blade and tissue to wipe the blood up with. I can control how much I bleed. I can control how deep I go. I cut to feel... It's a release... It's like a deep breath... I remember my first time cutting, and it was pretty deep for a first time, but I remember feeling relieved after I did it, but also scared that I would get caught. I remember thinking to myself, that this was a good idea and I should keep doing it because it didn't hurt, it actually felt good. It just clicked with me. I grew up in a horrible home.
I was raped and molested my entire childhood.
But were not here to talk about that. I had eating disorders growing up, and did some drugs, and was smoking, and it was like no body cared. No one ever asked; 'did you eat today?' or 'how are you feeling'.
My biggest fear is being found out by people I don't know. I'm afraid of being committed again. I've been in 3 mental hospitals and not one of them really helped me. All they wanted to do was drug me and send me on my way. I'm also afraid that if DHS knew what I was doing they would take my son away from me, and I couldn't bear the thought of that happening. He's my world. And I know he see's me in pain, but he never sees the marks. It's constant hiding for me, and I think that's why I'm still doing it. It's because I realize that scars are going to be there forever.
I can't go to the beach and enjoy a day in my bathing suit because of the scars. The scars aren't going to go away so I might as well add more, because it's working for me... With guys or girls I have to get to the point with them that I can trust them not to be freaked out, or guys that would rather have sex than talk about it.
Everything in my past made me who I am today. So I don't regret stuff. My life is getting so far down the road of self mutilation that it's either get help or die.
And I don't want to die without a fight... So I'm fighting. Some days are good days, and some days are not so good. Everyday is a new day to keep on moving forward one moment at a time. My life accessory is: Outer scars reflect inner pain. I cry my tears of red they help me breathe... So ashamed... If you know anything about me you'll know that I love nature and I love the color green. Those are my healthiest obsessions. I don't do well with emotions. I don't cry. I think, I cry tears of red (blood) because I cannot cry real tears without more physical pain that with cutting. When I am sharing my compulsions I will often smile or laugh. It's sick, but it's true. If I cut on one side of my thigh, or arm, or breast, I have to do the same on the other, it has to be even. Sometimes I can be really good and only cut like 2 or 4 times, but then there are others when I cut like between 12-26 times. Just over and over, in the same spot. I have to stare at it for a few minutes before I wipe off the blood. It makes me feel better to watch it run down my arm or leg or breast. Just as long as it's deep enough to know by tomorrow to. Because once it starts to heal, I have to do it again. Doing it takes the hurt out of me. I always thought it was a phase that I would eventually grow out of, but I never did. I disgust myself, how I've permanently damaged myself, and yet I keep doing it. It's like I get lost in this vortex when I'm cutting. I forget EVERYTHING.
My friends. My homework. My family. My stress...Here's my problem... I don't want to die...But I don't want to live... And in the few moments that I do want to live, I hate the way I'm doing it. I want to either get better, or be gone... What do I do...?

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/cananyonehelpme1.html Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:28:37 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/yournotsupposedtobethisway.html It all started with the little jokes people would say. I never used to think I was fat until my aunt one day told me I was gettinc chubby. I have always been in sports ate good meals. But apparently it wasn't cutting it. So my frehsman year I began to skip meals. Sophmore year I began to purge and somedays not eat at all. Days would go by when I would wish for ice cream...wish for FOOD. Me and my friend would go to the fitness Center. I would run on a tredmeal the entire time. I noticed I was gettin smaller and smaller. I began to eat regular. Then all of a sudden I began to have not sontrol over my life so I ran to my eating habits. Everyone would always tell me...your a Native Amercian...your beautiful...not mattter what...Native girls don't have eating disorders. I felt alienated from everyone else because of that statement. I still struggle some days...but I am way much better than before.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/yournotsupposedtobethisway.html Wed, 30 Sep 2009 21:47:27 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/allireallywanted.html Its funny how we search for love...when the only place we needed to go was God. Love has been such a confusing thing for as long as I can remember. I was sexually abused during my childhood...by someone I thought loved me. I couldnt understand. I was so insecure from it. Insecurity ruled my life.

I was a dancer from 6 years old till 6 months ago. IT wasnt a surprise that I ended up with eating disdorders from being in that industry. I wanted so much for hte outside so I could feel comfortable on the inside. I wanted to shut up the insecurity so I could finally be content. If I could just be skinny enough...then I would be happy. I struggled with exercise bullimia and periods of starvation and binging. I didnt even know how sick I was. Depression had such a stronghold over me...I was drowning in the pain I was trying to cover.

I was crying out for love...only I was looking in all the wrong places. I believed the lies that if I could just attract the right people I would feel secure...surely I would be happy then. But it was all lies.

I fell deeper and deeper into depression and wanted to die more than ever. I was too scared thoguh because I didnt want to go to Hell...

I dont remember when I surrendered...or how I felt exactly...but I know that this January I was radically changed and havent been the same since. God has transformed my life and given me programs that provide support and steps I can live by to heal and grow in His love.

All I needed was Him. He needed to save me...because I couldnt save myself. None of us can.

All I really wanted...I have found in Him...He has filled every hole in my heart...sealed every scar...

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/allireallywanted.html Sat, 05 Sep 2009 02:48:01 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/butnowisee.html For 12 years I have struggled with an eating disorder. I had been in and out of many secular hospitals and programs which never seemed to have any lasting effect. I also sought happiness through many other worldly means; like men, looks, success and career; but once achieved, I still felt very empty, unfulfilled and alone. After accepting Christ into my life 3 ½ years ago, I discovered that Christianity was not the boring and restrictive thing I thought it to be. I knew deep inside that God wanted to bring me full circle into the person He created me to be and that the only thing that could free me from my bondage was a relationship with Jesus Christ.
This led me to go to Mercy Ministres, an experience that has revolutionized my life. I discovered that even if I sat in this chair and did nothing for the rest of my life, I would still be loved and accepted by Christ because of His mercy and grace, through which I am capable of doing all things. God taught me that His love is the only thing in this world that is constant and unchanging. He has taken away my fear, because He has not given me a spirit of fear but of love, power and a sound mind. During my time at Mercy my faith was tremendously strengthened and God taught me not to just believe His promises but to expect them. I learned that God honors obedience not sacrifice and how to walk in that. He restored the joy in my relationship with Him where I can praise and thank Him in all circumstances, good and bad, seen and unseen. There, God shed me of every other thing that I used to identify myself with in order to teach me that my true identity is found in Him and who He says I am in His word. He rekindled a passion in me for reaching those lost in the sex industry and porn addiction. Working in publishing gave me a heart for showing them the love of Christ and that He has so much more for them. He restored in me a hopeful future and that anything is possible for those that believe and abide in Him. At Mercy I discovered that I am already free from the eating disorder because of the power of the blood of Jesus Christ. Not once was the word “recovery” mentioned, I discovered for the first time that with Jesus there is no “living in recovery”, no, there is only freedom.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/butnowisee.html Sat, 05 Sep 2009 02:47:18 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/helpme1.html I used to be completely happy with my body. I felt really good. Then, a little over a year ago, I was told that I wasn't fat, but for a dancer I was getting chubby. And that started it. I cannot remember the last time I looked in a mirror and was happy. I started to starve myself, but I was still miserable and started to eat normally again. Now I weigh fifteen pounds more, have gotten rid of all of my pants, and have been told that I have gained weight. I am miserable again. I have been told that I look chubbier multiple times and it has broken me again. I don't know what to do. I am eating less already and working out more, but I am not satisfied. Then I think of how God views me as His perfect creation and I can't take it because not only am I hurting myself, but God too. I don't like not eating enough, but I don't like looking in a mirror and feeling fat either. Right now, I'm choosing to starve. Even though I know it's the wrong thing to do, I can't do anything else. I need help.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/helpme1.html Mon, 20 Jul 2009 22:02:23 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/unknowndisorder.html When I was 15 I was diagnosed bi-polar, and was put on a medication called "Zyprexa". One of the side effects is weight gain. I gained 20 pounds which made comments from my parents start pouring out about how I got "chubby." About 6 months of being ridiculed for the fact that I was no longer 5'8" and 125lbs but now 145lbs, I was perscribed another medicine called "Adderall", to help me pay attention in school and was taken off the Zyprexa. Adderall lessens your appetite. I quickly lost all of the weight because I was no longer eating, not because I didn't want to eat, but because the Adderall made me feel like I was never hungry. I dropped 30 pounds in 3 weeks, and started to notice that I was even skinnier than before, and liked it. I was no longer being teased for being just a little bit over weight. I then also started to notice stomach pains [hunger pains] and eventually was so malnourished that I fainted. My mom found my unconcious on the bathroom floor and took me to my family doctor that perscribed me all of these perscriptions and told me that I had to keep a food log, and I would have to eat 5 times a day. That was the moment I realized I had a problem because the first words out of my mouth were, "But I'll gain weight!". Everyone in the room knew exactly what was wrong at that moment, including me. I started keeping a food log, and then slowly just started lying in it, and still kept on not eating. One day, I was at Dairy Queen, where I was working at the time, and started to get dizzy. I knew that I was going to faint again, but I had a line and felt like getting the orders done was more important. Of course that only lasted so long, and I fainted in the back of the store. The next thing I know I'm being pulled up off the floor by firefighters, hooking me up to machines and taking my blood sugar. They rushed me to the hospital where I sat by myself for 6 hours because my friends were so upset with me that they wouldn't even come visit me. I then decided that I valued my life more than my weight. It was a long time coming, and it was hard to get into the motions of eating again. Now, I'm still battling it, but I have methods such as; if anyone asks me if I'm hungry, "Yes". Even if I just ate. That keeps me eating. I'm at a healthy 130 pounds, and I'm not saying it's hard, but if I can beat it, so can you.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/unknowndisorder.html Sat, 18 Jul 2009 14:54:51 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/startaneatingdisorder.html I always hated my weight feeling ugly obese. So i started trying to go with anorexia to start off but that seemed to be hard to starve my own body. So slowly i took more food away from myself everytime eating food with guilt telling myself i will be more ugly. I started filling my mind with skinny bands and models saying to myself im younger than them i should be thinner. Staring in the mirror for hours a day i wanted to crack it. My friends told me i had an eating disorder but i knew i was fat. But what if my mind was taking over i did not know. So one day i splurged on some pizza so upset i took a toothbrush into my mouth trying to throw up. Except nothing came out of my mouth so i started laxatives which were horrible. Going to the bathroom feeling as if i was going to faint. I knew there must be a better way then i heard from Dawn my friend that God sees us as beautiful as can be and that changed my view on myself. Though i still have an obession over what i consume.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/startaneatingdisorder.html Fri, 15 May 2009 13:09:26 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/justathought.html I'm definately not your normal girl. I used to cut, been depressed, and now have had thoughts of throwing up, or starving myself to lose weight.

I'm not what you call fat, I was actually born two months early, so I'm guess what you could a lil "underweight". But everytime I look at myself, I definately don't like what I see.

This past spring break I went with my family to Orlando, Florida. We were walking around in Univerisal Studios, and these goregous, tall, skinny girls were walking around and every guy was staring of them. Now don't get me wrong, I don't care if guys stare at me, I just wish I looked like them.

I'm still eating, just because I think of not eating then I just do, but I don't. I want to lose weight. I feel fat, even though I just weigh 100 pounds. I feel ugly, fat, and like I'm not getting noticed by the world.

Please help me. I don't want to have an eating disorder, but I have a feeling I will suffer from one soon.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/justathought.html Mon, 04 May 2009 02:20:18 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/foodaddiction1.html I am a 43 year old woman who started gaining weight at the age of six. I am truly addicited to food. I love it. I eat to eat. I've tried seveal diets, but have never been able to follow through. I would try any diet pill, if someone told me I was sure to loose weight. No matter what the safety would be but would choose not to stop eating. I love food and have no idea how to make this stop. Its all I think about. I don't like to drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs (except for diet pills) Eating is my addicition and will some day kill me.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/foodaddiction1.html Sat, 18 Apr 2009 01:43:21 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/justrecentlystarted.html alot lately i have been being told that i was fat and needed to lose weight. i had always thought that i was but never as bad as i people said. after a while i had realized that what people were saying was true. i started making myself throw up. it doesnt seem to be working though. i really need help. i dont want it to become a bad habbit.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/justrecentlystarted.html Fri, 17 Apr 2009 01:26:52 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/faith4thejourney.html Recently I found myself down on my knees, winded by all that life had thrown at me and unable to see any hope for a future. I fell deep into a black pit of despair and believed that where I was, no one could rescue me.

I had reached the end of my own ideas, my feeble strength had given way and my wisdom had revealed itself as foolishness. It wasn't that I doubted there was a God – on the contrary, I believed so much in Him that I had trouble understanding what He would want to do with me?

If there really was a Father in Heaven who loved me – why was I feeling so defeated by life? Why was I so unsuccessful in my own eyes? Why didn't I have faith in myself to do the little things that others made look so easy?

This wasn't just some emotional crises, for the first time in my life I felt a complete mental and spiritual fracture somewhere deep in my spirit. It was something so significant I knew I couldn't simply gloss over it with words and good deeds – I had real needs that needed addressing. Rather than continue on autopilot and wrestling my way through all uncertainties like I usually did, I knew there would be only one way to fix things: this time I had to lift my hands in complete surrender. It was at this point that I took what I like to call a “selah moment” - I stopped, paused long enough to listen and that was when I began to hear the voice of God in my situation.

There are all kinds of circumstance that can bring you to this uncomfortable place - divorce, infertility, rape, conflict or neglect - but the one thing they all have in common is that when you have truly sunken deep into the darkest of pits, there is only one person who can hear your cry!

God met me right there in my brokenness. In my pitiful mess. He didn't expect me to come to Him fixed – in fact, He came all along to help fix me. I just hadn't expected His help!

Somewhere in my Christian walk I'd forgotten that God comes to heal and mend the broken. He comes expecting there to be a place in which to place the balm of Gilead into our lives. But it is we who forget that with every fixing, through life there will be another breaking and thus need for another fixing and so on and so forth.

Perhaps you have never understood that God came to HELP SAVE you? Maybe you grew up hearing about an angry, vengeful God who would never stop to tell you how to make your life better? Or maybe you've simply lost faith in people, your family, your career choice or the idea that things will ever get better? Have you ever stopped to consider that maybe this circumstance has arisen to give you a chance to hear something from God, pivotal to your future?

The clouds didn't all part in a day for me either – there were no sounds of the angels singing in Heaven – just one morning I got up and realized I had a decision to make. Either I accepted that there was no point in or to my life and it was all just a waste of time OR I stopped the pity-party and made a decision to TRUST GOD at His word. I had to face and accept the fact that there was no physical evidence that my situation would change immediately. First, I had to be okay with that. Then I had to DARE TO BELIEVE that maybe, just maybe, if I placed my trust in Him, things actually would change!

I stopped everything for a few weeks and just spent time talking to God. Sometimes, I spoke out loud, sometimes in my head, but I told Him everything I was thinking and feeling and not understanding. I wrote some of it down, I started Christian counseling sessions. In my time, I asked God questions, I argued my opinions – and gradually I got back to a place where I understood that He could hear me and had answers waiting all around me. Some of these answers came in the forms of books, some in counseling, some through people, others in music – but I heard His voice loud and clear.

It took courage to be vulnerable in front of others, to allow myself to be seen as weak – but this healing was needed so deeply that I excused my embarrassment and sense of pride and came to Him like a child.

In this fetal position, God leaned over and breathed into me new life.

He began to soothe me in all the aching places and put a community of people around me – parents, siblings, friends – so I would not have to walk through this painful fork in my journey alone.

This was not a time for rationalization – in fact, you could not make 'sense' of what caused my break down and how I was able to so quickly get back up through rational explanation – but God, God Himself, placed a banner of protection over me and saved me from myself. Where He needed to cut deep, He spoke sharply and where he needed to clean the surface wounds, He spoke gently. I knew everything I experienced was real because it was filled with a deep spiritual truth.

I understood I wasn't being lied to or appeased by God, He was actually taking care of me and mopping the mess of my life up!

God is an incredible cleaner who comes to all those who call upon Him. He reveals a different face to us in every moment of the journey of life- some recognizable, others a little strange. But we can all keep faith when we remember that the journey itself belongs to Him. He alone knows your beginning and ending – and in Gen 1:9 He already said 'It is good'.

Like Jacob, I came out of that valley with a few scars – and a limp which has informed the faith-walk I now am on. But more importantly, I learned the value of HOPE. Without it, we cannot have FAITH that there will be a tomorrow. Without FAITH, we cannot continue the journey that God has laid out for us.

Will it always be easy? Will it always be pleasant? NO. But in those times, you can rest assured that God will never leave or forsake you. God is always with you to lend you HIS FAITH....You don't have to go it alone.

Please visit www.giveloveproject.4t.com for more encouragement.

Anna Marie Hopewell is Women's Pastor for JHM Global.org, a non-profit organization serving women and young girls in several nations. A journalist by profession, she battled with disordered eating, depression and anxiety for over 10 years.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/faith4thejourney.html Tue, 31 Mar 2009 23:18:32 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/myeatingdisorder1.html To start this off, I'm just going to say that I don't eat lunch at school.
Well, one day I was sitting at the lunch tabel just talking to my friends or whatever and one of the guys that sit there was like 'Why don't you eat lunch? You're anerexic.' and I said 'No im not, I just don't like the school lunch.' [Which I really don't like it.] But then his friend said 'Nah, She aint anerexic, she's to fat to be.' And all the guys, and even some of my friends started laughing. Now, i'm not some physco person like that one dude off of Degrassi, who gets joked on and goes and shoot's everyone. Im not like that. I know i'm not the prettiest girl in the world, But I know that i'm pretty, and i'm smart, and I have a lot of friends. But anyways. My eye's started watering up, and I went to go ask the teacher if I could leave the lunch room, and go to the bathroom. She said yes. So I went in the bathroom, and made sure nobody was in there, and pulled up my shirt and started looking at my stomach. Well it was about 5 seconds after that a person came in and I walked out. Well I knew I could get through another hour of school.. So I just stuck it out. When I got home, nobody was home so I went and put on my soffee shorts and a T. I lifted up my shirt once more, and looked at my stomach and started looking at my thighs and everything. I got upset that I went and ate a whole bunch of stuff. A lot of junk food, chips, and everything! Then I went back in my mirror to look, and I started crying again. I felt bloaded as hell. So I went in the bathroom, and stuck my toothbrush down my throat 20 minutes later, and started throwing up. After 100 purges, I was 100% sure everything was out. I felt better. But I felt bad because I was doing this to my body. So I went and started cutting myself. But anyways. I kept eating as much as I could, and then I would throw it up that day. And the next day. And now, my stomach is on its own cycle. Every 20 minutes, after I eat something, It gets thrown up on its own. I use to be 120 lbs. Now im 90 something pounds. I'm not sure if I want to stop doing this..But I dont want to die of this either. All im looking for, Is help. I keep asking and asking, and heartsupport is the only thing I have.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/myeatingdisorder1.html Thu, 19 Mar 2009 00:29:33 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/discoveringthepositveed.html I'm FAT! gross! ugly! it's nasty how i look! i need to lose weight! exercise...starve!! purge what u ate fat ass!! Do it! no one likes your ugly ass!! you the meaning of bad .....???? Thoughts were going crazy in my head, i didn't know why i was feeling like this? or what was going on in my life during that time.? I thought everything was "ok" well, i know something was wrong but i guess it was hard to see it and admit it. I started doing what my thoughts were saying to me without knowing why i was doing to myself. i didn't see it wrong, it was NORMAL feeling like that, i was only 11? 12? i don't know how old i was, all i remember is not liking myself since i was in first grade.After that all i did was looking for PERFECTION and i think found it when those thoughts started becoming more deeper into my head.And it was when those NORMAL thoughts started taking over me, my life was going to hell but i didn't think that, it was like i finally got something to help me to solve my problems. I started restricting food,counting calories, exercising and i was still NORMAL, at least thats what i thought at looking how most of the girls at school was doing the same or kind of the same. I see it like a teen stage of life,where every girl do it,i mean, at school it was girls worried about their weight, food, all that so, why not me? The reality was that i wasn't doing it in a HEALTHY way, i might did it in some point but that just took me to more STARVING, VOMITING, OVER EXERCISING,MOOD SWINGS,ANXIETY,DEPRESSION AND SELF INJURE. It wasn't fun anymore, my life was going to hell and everyday it was a fight with myself. The hardest thing was when the secret that i was hiding for years came out. My mom found out and that was the end, i wasn't what she expect. I was getting worse and worse, in and out of the hospitals, going down pounds and it wasn't good enough. Now, it has been two years of treatment, and am not recover but i'm walking into recovery. I've been here and there finding a way of living,sometimes there are days when i ask myself what do i have done to myself? Why did god put me in this situation? why? I lost my childhood and my teen days, high school was not what i plan, all those years were hospitals and i wasn't never at school, i'm 17 and i'm a senior in high school and still not happy but i am hopeful. Things has changed in my life and i don't regret it, i believe that every mistake makes you stronger and thats what it is. I'm in a different place where i realize a lot, yes, i might never had been NORMAL like i wanted, i lost my friends at least i thought they were because real friends don't let you go to hell and give up on you or just be myself. I never got to be anything i plan for my life. But i think what goes around comes around. Now i can say i have the best family ever, i learned that no matter what your family is always going to be there, MOM and DAD won't ever leave you alone and they are the only truth friends that someone would ever have. I still have a lot steps before i get to be recover and i'm not going to say its easy, its not like your sick and a pill will take it away. ANOREXIA and BULIMIA is a mental problem that takes a lot of courage from the person to be recover. It might take days,months and years to be recover but it's still going to be there for the rest of your life, It's about CONTROL. Recovery means having the control over those thoughts using HEALTHY coping skills and not engage in those negative behaviors that destroy yourself. And after all, the person you were before will die and the new person will take all the courage to leave the past and continue with life. I'm still fighting and each day is a big fight but i won't give up, no matter how many has giving up on me I WON"T. it might take my whole life but i will accept myself for who i am.

"NEVER GIVE UP SOMETHING THAT CAN BE A NEW START"

EVERY PERSON IS STRONG ENOUGH TO FIGHT....

I'M ADDICTED & CONSUMED TO ED BUT I'M FIGHTING TO BE FREE IN LIFE....

IT'S NEVER AND END....KEEP FIGHTING!!!

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/discoveringthepositveed.html Thu, 19 Mar 2009 00:23:30 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/ijustcantstop.html i eat so much. i eat when im bored, when im sad, when i need something to do. i mostly eat when im upset and i hate looking at myself in the mirror because i look so ugly and fat. when i am so upset looking at myself i sometimes cry and as i said earlier i eat to stop the pain and then i feel bad after i am done because it is gone and now i feel worse then before cause i just ate a lot. i just cant stop myself. its just a circle of food and crying.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/ijustcantstop.html Wed, 25 Feb 2009 14:35:49 -0500 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/slowprocess.html I moved to Indianapolis in 2000, my brother had it rough where we used to live and was eager for the move. That's when it all started, my weight jumped more than I thought it would and my brother immediately noticed and has continued to till this day and insult me about it. 9 years of verbal abuse, and of wondering why I was so fat, so ugly, not attractive enough, or smart enough. It wasn't just my brother, it was the kids who I wanted to be friends with, who I wanted acceptance from. I would come home, put on music, and cry myself into oblivion. No one understood that the words cut into my youth. I hardly left my house because of how gross I thought I looked. My brother would tell me my appearance was all my fault. I would believe him, every word I swallowed like a thick dose and it would give me reasons to not have confidence in myself.
I was always making myself eat too much or too little. 3 meals a day was lessened to 1 or 2, when I turned 13 I started smoking cigars, then cigarettes when I was 16. At that age I also started taking diet pills. I didn't lose much, I still felt bad about my lack of looks. I didn't hang out with friends like a normal person would and I knew I wasn't on a good path. I joined a gym, thinking it would boost my confidence, and I overworked myself where my lungs and head would hurt for hours and I would get on the scale and cry. Mirrors were nothing but reminders of what I should look like.
Pant sizes, calories, stomach aches, never left my mind. I would judge myself against other girls in all aspects and get deeper in my hatred for myself. By 17 I'd only had one boyfriend nd I blamed it on my shyness and weight when in reality it was because I had no confidence. I was always breaking down nd trying to develop an eating disorder but I tried to keep that one bit of strength in my personality. All the insults just kept getting worse, people would insult my sexual orientation, despite me being straight. Rumors started that were all false. I couldn't stop it.
Jake, a public speaker for Heart Support came to my school and discussed everything I had been hiding to myself, and even more problems that other people dealt with. I realized from a total stranger that I wasn't alone. My friends always turned to me for advice, yet I was the hypocrite. I told them to love themselves, to ignore everything, and I couldn't even listen to myself. They wouldn't hear my cries or problems or explain my story. My mom always showed me some form of realization. Yet Jake, as he spoke to the hundreds sitting there, rang true to me.
I couldn't hide this anymore. I needed release. I'm a people person, even if people didn't like me. I went down to talk to him, swelling with self-realization and a new confidence that wanted to escape from my heart and I thanked him and in little words, said my problem and he looked me in the eye and said "All those people who say something are just hiding their own problems, don't listen to them nd keep being strong." My mom had told me it for 9 years but I never believed it. After all, family has to do that. complete stranger had to help me keep moving on.

If I'm not alone, no one is. You will overcome your problems even if it takes years, in my case, almost a decade. Please. Never give up hope. Keep hanging on. We need you. I need you.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/slowprocess.html Wed, 25 Feb 2009 14:27:05 -0500 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/istoolittleokay.html This happens every time i get to a certain point. i loose control of my eating habbits. I dont really know how it happens. I get stressed and mad and the sad part is sometimes i dont even notice how i feel. I dont know how i loose control or that i even have.
I build up stress a lot and it sure can accumilate! most people eat more and stuff. I am just the opposite. I dont eat. I barely eat. Its like these are periods of starvation. Not really starvation but preety close. I mean i dont think it is too serious but if i keep it up i might seriously become anerexic or hurt my self.
I eat very little. Not becuae i want to eat little but because i just dont get hungry for long periods and have the will power to not eat. Not that i dont want to eat but . . . . . .
I dont really eat breakfast, nor lunch sometimes. Sometimes not even dinner. and if i do it is a small amount. My meals are skipped and for some reason it feels like no big deal. I dont crave the food so why force my self to eat???
Well i have been told this is not normal. And i just hate that. Everyone thinks its my stubborness not wanting to eat but its just not. My stomach has gotten quite a small apetite and its hard to eat a lot. Then rumors may go around or u get in trouble for not eating and it just becomes a big mess!
I know it is not healthy but it is just how i am. Hopefully i wont get to a horrible point. I need freedom from my stress. If it werent for all the obsticles in my life like trying to live the perfect Christian life when you keep skrewing up and failing then maybe i woulnt be in this situation with my eating habbits. . . . or lack of eating. Its not like i am taking my stress out in a BAD way like i have but this is small. But i hope it doesnt get biger. Gosh i hope. I need prayer. Only God can help me becuase i dont like discussing my problems with the people around me. I just feel like a mess. a mess only Jesus can clean . . . . and i am sure that is how a lot of you feel. Do you like the problems u have? probly not. Eating too much or too llittle can be quite stressing. Know its not thye way. Jesus is. And i am learning that too with you.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/istoolittleokay.html Thu, 29 Jan 2009 11:44:26 -0500 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/6yrs.html so im just gonna get to the point;
i have suffered from anerxia and bulima
in 7th grade i started starving myself. i was big for my age. i was 148 at 12 yrs old. it worked so i kept it up i would stop when i reched my goal and start when i felt bad again. i eventually got caught by my mom. i stoped for about 4 months. but i started gaining weghit again. so i would not eat breakfast or lunch come home and eat a little dinner. my weight has always been up and down since. i try to stop but when i gain a cuple pounds i start agin. about freshman year i decided to try throwing up. it was (strangly) very up lifting. i felt in control agin and that this was my awnser. so now i could eat with my family or go out with my friends and not feel bad about it. cause about 20 mins later i would be okay. i have been caught . it was this year and i am a junier now. but i keep doin it . im trying to quit. i havent thrown up in about 5 days. and before that it was 4. so im slowing down. im trying to watch what i eat.but i still feel myself get those cravings and ill start to eat everything. i also have nervous eating. where i eat when im bored mad sad scared, anything. so i wont notice im doning it untill i have gone through half the refridgerator. and then i can find no other way. i have been trying to get a handle on this but because its been so long its takin a toll on my body. i can not digest food normally. my body takes more in when i eat beacuse its use to being hungery so it stores more than i need meaning i gain more weight. so i can gain 5 pounds in a day or two and lose them just the same. im still suffering from this everyday. and everyday its a stuggle not to give in. i know i will give in agin, but im hoping eventually i will get my self in a safe place.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/6yrs.html Fri, 16 Jan 2009 13:46:47 -0500 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/darknessbeforedawn.html It started my sophomore year in high school. I didn't fit in, I wasn't athletic, and it was just a New Years resolution to get healthier. I took up jogging, started eating "healthier". The spiral of control began and by April I had to be hospitalized due to malnutrition, severe dehyrdration, bradycardia, and the beginnings of hypothermia. I was there for six weeks, and relapsed after coming home. That fall I went to a treatment center in Arizona for two months, but faked my way through. Relapsed in the Spring of '08, and that summer, I voluntarily put myself in treatment again. This time, I wanted to get better. When I went in I was clinically depressed, had an incredible amount of shame, and was cutting myself regularly. I discovered so much about myself, my family, and who God is. I had a really distorted perception of God, and the idea that I had to earn his love. But finding that isn't true is bringing freedom. The past two years have been darkness. Emptiness. Heaviness. Suicidal thoughts. Questions. Struggles. And life certainly isn't perfect now. Cutting is still an addiction and I wish this somehow had a happy ending where I was completely recovered. But life is no fairy tale, and all I can say to people who struggle like me, is there is hope. Don't give up. Dawn is coming. I've made it through a lot, and there's a lot more to work through still. It's a long road ahead. But dawn IS coming.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/darknessbeforedawn.html Thu, 01 Jan 2009 18:59:53 -0500 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/beautiful.html
I love green beans. Vegetables appear on my plate at every meal. I love cottage cheese with fruit and I am a sucker for tofu. Sugar free pudding is considered a dessert. I count calories, drink green tea and use an egg substitute. These meal time routines have been engraved in my menu since the sixth grade. Oh sixth grade, the year the name calling started and the hatred toward the mirror sparked. It was the year I dropped the “f-bomb” on my helpless self esteem, the year I began calling myself fat.
My thunder thighs propelled my along that downward spiral staircase. I loathed my love handles and cringed at the outcast in the mirror. As diets failed, my self confidence dwindled and all blame fell heavy upon my shoulders. Grasping at any chance to fix my faults, I became obsessed with calorie counts and fat content.
Food and I quickly developed a love hate relationship. We got along great. Whenever I was feeling good, a cookie was there to congratulate me. Whenever I felt accepted, a bowl of cereal embraced me. Whenever I was on a high, any and every sweet indulgence was on top of that mountain with me! Unfortunately, the meals soon proved to be mightier than I. I was hypnotized by food’s false friendship and trapped in its trance.
A nightly binge was soon added to my schedule. When the lights were out and the rest of my house asleep, the pantry was up for grabs. I ate anything and everything I could get in my mouth. I would suddenly lose all control over my actions. My hand had a mind of its own as it moved form cereal boxes, to bags of cookies and to cartons of ice cream. My head screamed “STOP!” and my stomach cringed in pain, but my hand kept shoveling it in. I was shocked by the terror of what was happening and had no means of fighting it. My fists of food had quickly transformed form friend to foe and those hands would soon become my worst nightmare.
As my secret, sinful habits continued, I packed on the weight. Shirts shrunk and jeans ripped. A month into my indulgences and I was twenty pounds heavier. The pudge seemed permanent and once again, the only thing I lost from my dieting attempts was hope. I hated myself for bringing this misery upon my life once again. I thrived on screaming at the image in the mirror and cursing the girl in my head. I lived day to day on shattering my spirit and murdering my confidence. Tears fell by the minute and all happy thoughts vanished.
I had to get out of this hell hole. Obviously food had stabbed me in the back and could no longer be trusted. More than anything, I wanted that painful substance out of my body. I wanted it out fast and quick. A temporary pain would bring freedom and the chains of my food frenzies would be flushed down the porcelain pipe to paradise. Encouraging voices flooded my mind. Their lies seemed like the perfect truth. The thoughts tempted me more and more, jeering at me and calling out names. The food and the thoughts of quick relief, bullied me day after day, meal after meal, glance after glance. In a final fit of anger and frustration, tears rushing down my cheeks, knees knocking with fear, I leaned over the toilet and pressed my fingers to my tongue. I held them there in anger and fear, but I never threw up. He stopped me.
My fists relaxed as my arms fell at my sides. He picked me up and brought me to my feet. My eyes were opened and I saw Him that night. I saw Him there with me, weeping at my tears and cringing at my pain. He took hold of my hands and held me in His arms. He saved me from my worst enemy. God saved me from myself.
No words could possibly describe His overwhelming compassion that filled my bathroom that night. My rage and determination to cause myself more pain had seemed so strong, yet it crumbled at the touch of His hand. Why did God save me that night? The answer I can not find. At my lowest point, with nothing to offer, I hated myself. I could not stand my own presence, but the King of the universe could not stand to lose me. I saw a filthy wretch, a self-destructive girl. He saw a masterpiece, a flawless daughter, a prized possession.
I am blinded by the world’s standards and fall short of its expectations. However, there is hope. God tells me I am worth so much more than anything this world can offer and that his plans for me are beyond all I can ever imagine. I live my life as a reflection of his compassion, seeing others through God’s eyes. I look for the true beauty in every life, rather than focusing on the scarlet letters sentenced by society. By viewing them through God’s eyes, they too will see a perfect work of art, a bride fit for a King.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/beautiful.html Wed, 19 Nov 2008 23:38:38 -0500 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/lifethroughthepain.html I faced a lot of rejection in grade school. I had "friends" who only used me and didn't really care about me. I made real friends in Middle School, but by then I was on the search for a boyfriend. All I faced again was rejection from guys. They would act like they liked me, then turn around and ignore me. I felt fat, stupid, and worthless. I began occasional restricting in 7th grade. I went to church, though, and pretended to be the good Christian girl for all my Christian friends and family. But I acted completely different around my other "friends". I swore, and laughed at dirty jokes and gossiped about anyone and was just plain mean to some people.
The summer before my freshman year, I tried purging, but I couldn't get anything out. This upset me so I restricted a little more often. In high school I felt an even greater need to fit in. There were more cliques and there was more pressure to be perfect. I needed to be perfect in band – first chair clarinet in the top band. I needed to be perfect in school – straight As in all my classes. I needed to be the perfect person – acting like a sweet little Christian. All I ended up being was the perfect actress. I wore a million different masks and no one saw through them. No one knew who I really was. I didn’t even know who I was.
I went to church camp and retreats and at times I felt close to God, but I knew I was faking the part. I hated hypocrites, but I was the biggest one I knew. I continued searching for love and attention from guys, and I finally landed a boyfriend my junior year. I was restricting a lot more by then, and then I started purging after dating him for about a month. He was always comparing me to other girls – “Oh look at her! She’s hot.” I felt I wasn’t good enough for him, even though he acted like he was joking. I started cutting after we’d dated 2 months. He never knew about the eating disorder or the cutting. He broke up with me after we’d dated a little over 3 months. It completely broke my heart, but I acted like nothing was wrong. I knew it was coming. I was glad the relationship was over. Everyone believed the lies.
I wasn’t satisfied without a man in my life. I hungered for that attention and “love” (or lust) that I could get from a guy. I started dating a new guy about 2 months after the last one broke up with me. This guy was way worse. He was manipulative, and convinced me to tell him that I loved him when I knew I didn’t, and he convinced me that it was ok for us to make-out after dating a week even though I felt it was wrong. He was controlling, always telling me what was good or bad. I told him about my eating disorder and he thought it was perfectly fine for me to skip meals. He wanted his girl to stay thin. He told me that if his wife ever got fat, he’d kill her. He also told me when he didn’t approve of outfits I wore or if something just didn’t look good on me. My parents thought I was acting suspicious so they read an instant messaging conversation between us in which we discussed my purging habits. After they read that, I completely shut down and would not talk to anyone. They found my journals and discovered that I’d also been cutting. I was so depressed. I just wanted to die. They found an in-patient treatment center called Remuda Ranch and they decided I needed to go there. I didn’t want to go, but I also knew I needed to.
While I was at home, I tried calling out to God, but I just couldn’t find him. The week before I had to go to Remuda, my parents allowed me to go to church camp. I finally found God there. His peace settled over me and I knew everything would be ok. It was still really hard, but I had God by my side.
I went to Remuda for 60 days and I’m so glad I did. I found out I had severe depression, anxiety, and OCD. I had no idea. I made the most incredible friends and I learned skills to fight my eating disorder. It changed my life and helped me tremendously. Now I’m back home and back at school with all the pressures of life surrounding me. I still have perfectionism in my blood, but I know it’s not possible and I’m only striving for excellence now. I have God in my life, and I’m doing my best to keep him at the center of all that I do. I know His plan is way better than anything I can dream of. I just keep praying that He won’t allow me to stray from Him again. I can’t imagine even trying to recover without His help.
Everyone, if you’re struggling, please get help. It may not seem worth it right now, but I’m so glad I got help. I didn’t want it for the longest time, but I’m not sure I’d even be on this earth if I hadn’t gotten it. Cry out to God. He’s not there to get you down, or to punish you or to make you feel bad, but He’s there to hold you while you cry, to pick you up when you fall down, and to heal your broken heart.
I wrote a poem-ish thing that really describes my old and new life. It may not be the most well-written, but I put my heart and soul into it.

Everyone has good somewhere inside of them.
But many bury their good under bitterness and shame.
Several shut themselves down, so no one can see,
Others show their good to cover up their pain.

It’s easy to wear a mask,
to fake you’re someone you’re not.
Everyone does it in their life.
It’s what many are taught.

Miss Independent… I don’t need you or anybody else.
I’ll wear my smile and dress the part.
I can do it all on my own.
No one will see past my walls that are blocking my heart.

On the outside, all can see how perfect I am.
But on the inside I’m perfectly broken.
I’m crying inside, asking for help.
But I’m as silent as if I am choking.

Does anybody see what I’m going through?
No one understands.
No one gets who I really am.

I can’t speak.
My mouth is sealed shut.
I can only tell lies of how good life is.
I feel a pain, a tightening, in the bottom of my gut.

I want to scream LIFE SUCKS at the top of my lungs,
But I’m silent.
The words won’t come.
The air fills up my lungs, but I can only let off a sigh.
Why can’t anybody see?
I feel so torn up inside.
I’m desperate for help.
I can barely even breathe.
God, are you there?
Do you even really care?

I wish I could go back and erase all my scars.
I remember the feel of the metal on my skin,
The razor causing red to run down my leg,
A pool of blood, showing my sin.

I remember kneeling on the bathroom floor,
My hair tied back
And my eyes pooled with water
All I can think of is all that I lack.

I spit more acid into the toilet.
My throat burns and my stomach aches.
I watch it disappear as I wipe my mouth.
I cannot get rid of the taste.

I remember the dark nights,
Lying on my back in my room,
Silently sobbing, while I try to find a moment of peace through sleep,
But sleep does not come easy,
And when it does it is restless and filled with nightmares.

I remember going through the day,
laughing and smiling, pretending everything’s ok.
I remember being exhausted from faking the part
and I remember feeling alone…
Only me and my breaking heart.

I cry out to God again,
Ask him to take me from earth
It’s just not worth it anymore,
But I see His other plans first.

My family and friends finally see my brokenness
And then, I am saved.
No, life’s not great yet,
and I can’t say I’m ok,
but God saved my life
and He’s given me a new day.

I’ve got another chance so I can start over again.
I’m still perfectly broken, but I can see God by my side,
Holding my hand, helping me through.

I’m pushing on hard,
Ready to be healed.
I know it’ll take time,
But my lips are no longer sealed.

I can finally speak,
Share my hurts and pains.
I can finally let others help me,
And walk me through the rain.

I’m here now, God,
I can finally see the light.
I’m ready to give in.
I’m done trying to fight.

Take me over, Lord,
And use me how you will,
‘cuz I can’t do it on my own.
My heart is yours to fill.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/lifethroughthepain.html Tue, 16 Sep 2008 23:51:33 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/theturnaround.html I was the one who was all ways pcked on in class was hurt called fat and it lead me down the narrow path i backed away from jesus decided that i was the one everyone hated including jesus but i turned bulimic and desired food abnd made me throw it up i went to church now in than talked to one of my friends about it and he told me more than anyone could tell me he said that u need jesus and we will never hate you we are here to help you and i went to church talked to my youth pastor about it and decided that the eating disorder that i was doing will only make me ugly and never will help me through the bullies and i decided to follow jesus turn around completly and rededicate my life to my savior jesus christ

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/theturnaround.html Tue, 16 Sep 2008 00:48:56 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/guyshaveeatingdisorderstoo.html Hey, my name is mike. I'm a recovering anorexic. This is my story.

My ED goes back about 4 years, when I just started high school. I had come from a fairly small school, and it wasn't until I was exposed to this much larger and much more diverse group of people that I became self-conscious of my body. I found myself comparing to the other people, wanting a more desirable body, a more attractive figure. It didn't take much time before I began to change myself.

It started with excessive exercise. I started out with martial arts, about 1 hour a night. That quickly progressed to 2-3 hours, because I began weight training. Before I knew it, I was working out from the time the bell rang to signal the end of classes, to the moments I got ready for bed. Even with all that activity, I didn't increase my intake.

Instead, I soon began to do the opposite; I began to lower my intake - a few calories here, a few calories there. Then a few hundred here and there. Soon I was only taking in about 1/3 of the calories I needed for all the exercise. I found myself addicted to the physical strain, my body and mind wanted it every second of the day.

Fast forward several months, and I found myself pushing harder and harder to eat less. One day I realized that I didn't have to do the exercise if I just didn't eat anything. That was my next course of action. Before long, I was eating next to nothing, living off insubstantial intake, and purging any food I did eat.

My parents found out. I ended up getting sent to the doctor, having tests run, and examinations. At the beginning of March this year, I was pulled out of school. My heart was close to stopping. I was ordered to move as little as possible and to go to the hospital immediately. I was put on bed rest and was stuck in the pediatric ward for 4 months.

Since then, I have been in a day treatment program, helping me to battle the ED. I have realized that I really don't need it. I am much happier now. I am dating an awsome girl, living a great life. I won't lie, sometimes it is hard. But I see what the ED did to me, and I see what it did to other people. I can see the way the lies tore me apart. I will soon be free. And you can be too.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/guyshaveeatingdisorderstoo.html Tue, 26 Aug 2008 12:39:34 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/lost2.html I was in high school when I started eating less and less and there was a lot going on in my life because we moved around a few times.I'm done with school now and I'm working. Now I see a therapist twice a week and from the therapist's point of view says I'm doing well. That makes me feel good. I still do have days that revolve around my eating disorder. So at this point in time I'm learning to cope and just doing the best I can.

]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/lost2.html Tue, 26 Aug 2008 12:36:17 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/missingpieces.html http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/missingpieces.html Sat, 02 Aug 2008 01:26:39 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/howcaniacceptmyself.html http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/howcaniacceptmyself.html Thu, 31 Jul 2008 23:52:03 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/wow.html http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/wow.html Wed, 30 Jul 2008 16:01:21 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/keepscomingbacktome.html http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/keepscomingbacktome.html Mon, 28 Jul 2008 23:45:34 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/untitled.html
love,
alex]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/untitled.html Mon, 28 Jul 2008 16:56:08 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/whatsnext.html I have never had a moment of nothing life changing. Whether it be my mom in and out of jail, getting picked up by the cops for smoking weed, or the kind of girlfriend who turned out to be an atheist. There is a lot of stuff that has happened in my life that i just say "It is just not worth it". I use food as my drug and i'am trying to stop but i eat because i'am said and i'am sad because I eat (that is from the 3rd Austin Powers). So i will tell more later but I have to go with my aunt and great grandma and her caregiver to the nerologest.
]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/whatsnext.html Mon, 28 Jul 2008 16:25:01 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/life1.html
I have struggled with symptoms of bulimia, such as throwing up or chew-and-spit, and also that of anorexia, simply restricting meals.

I think a lot of it is due to people calling me fat, but also to the lack of relationship with my mother, which has also led myself down the road to self injury. I have cut myself, and hit my arms until they bruised.

Many people say how much they don't want to live this way, and while I hate hating myself, I'm also very afraid to let these things go. For so long I have held onto these things and used them as a security blanket when things got hard. This is how I know how to deal with things, and I'm afraid of letting it go, it's terrible.

Well that is my story, enjoy.]]> http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/life1.html Sat, 19 Jul 2008 22:46:49 -0400 http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/idontknowwhattoputhere.html http://www.heartsupport.com/blogs/eatingdisordersstories/idontknowwhattoputhere.html Sat, 19 Jul 2008 14:20:20 -0400