Follow Ups - HeartSupport.com

Mission Accomplished: Role Models

User-Submitted — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:26:02 -0500

What a blessing it is to be able to share my victory!

January 13th, 2012 was not the first time i had the pleasure of attending an August Burns Red concert, fortunately. However, this time it was different; this time my brother and I were there for so much more...A Simple Thank You!

It was a frigid night in New Jersey at the Starland Ballroom, a venue in which i had never been to before. When my brother and i first walked in, we found an open floor elevated a few feet above the main floor. I was able to spot Jake out of the corner of my eye. We rushed over to the area where he was standing as quickly as we could because Texas In July was about to take stage and shred, which they did just that!

Luckily, Jake wasnt to far out of reach, so i was able to tap him on the shoulder and give him a letter and gift my brother and i had brought for HS and the band. At that point, Texas in July had began playing so he unknowingly accepted it and gave me a thumbs up, but what happened next was totally unexpected!

Silverstein was due up after Texas in July, another one of my favorites! So I obviously stayed right up front in the same spot. Right before they went on Jake came back and handed me a piece of paper. It turns out the piece of paper was the envelope that the letter had been in signed by the entire band! Jake also wrote a small note back to my brother and I. I showed it to my brother who was still unsre what just happened. He had a look of shock on his face, haha. I told him "That's Jesus right there man!"

At that point i felt the Lord's presence at full blast! About a little more than half way through their set, ABR played Salt and Light, one of my favorite songs! During the bridge, Jake yells "led by the comforter!" only this time, he didnt really sing it, or I couldn't hear him. It's almost as if god was lifting up everyone's voices for those 4 words. Which brings me to the moral point of this victory.

My brother and I screamed those words, and that entire bridge from the heart, because we felt it! It's a fire that burns and has been burning for months and in my case a solid year now. When we were screaming the words i couldnt help but catch a few kids staring at me like i was some kind of moron. Normally i would probably stop singing and try to hide my face. It was than and there that i realized that i had no reason to be afraid of any kind of evangelism and god would want us to speak of his word! Hence why I finally am blogging this!

That was the story of a prayer answered and this is the end of my story, the thankfulness...

My brother and i left about half way through Composure in an effort to try and get a good spot at ABR's merch table hoping they'd come out and say hello. We sat for about 15 minutes and still no show of them. We walked back out to the stage and we saw Jake and his Wife Kris!

I approached the guard rail and was able to get Kris's attention. She was so nice! Unfortunately, Heart Support had not been able to set up a table for that night, but i so badly wanted to show my love and support. I asked Kris if she could hook me up with a shirt and she did! I was so stoked! While waiting for Kris to come back, we were able to meet jake and my brother had told him how he had been saved and had been strong the past few months because of Jakes help. We were able to get a picture with him and just say thank you! That's a big reason why we went; just to say thank you for all He, The Band, and HS has done for us as men and followers of the Lord. It was an overwhelming feeling! When i said my final goodbyes for the night to them, I gave Jake a hug, but it was more than just hugging a Role Model, it was like hugging a brother; a brother in Christ!

Which leads me to say this, Follow the right people! God puts certain people on this earth to help us! People like Jake and Kris, and as great of a feeling it may be to have people like them to look up to, God is my number one role model! As he should be for everyone!

He can save you from anything and will ALWAYS love you. ALWAYS remember that!

Thanks for reading and God Bless!

4 months

User-Submitted — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:24:08 -0500

I took a huge leap in August. I left a life that I was quite happy with and a boy that I was quite in love with in Portland, with almost no warning, because I was positive God was calling me to. He had been pushing the idea for months previous, but I kept telling him "No, I'm so happy! I don't want to give up on all of this." But then, my Mom asked me to come home. She and my dad were going out of the country for work, leaving my 18 year old brother home all alone. You can imagine how that would pan out.

I took that as a sign from God. I left my life, my job, my boyfriend, everything, two weeks later. I was at peace with it all because "it was Gods wiiillll" and "it's His plaaaan for me."

Only to get home and be really angry with Him for making me leave. I stopped going to church, actually LOST my bible [which is really depressing because it has my Oh,Sleeper, sticker on it], and by the end of December started up a lifestyle that had friends close to me wondering what was going on. School was fine, work was fine, on the outside, I was totally okay. But on the inside, I had built up so many walls I didn't know or care when Sunday was. It had become nothing more than a day to recover from the last two nights before I had to go back to work. I normally drink VERY occasionally, but it tuned into a nightly thing and not just a drink, it was three or four nightly, for close to a month.

And although i hate to admit, it i know i was really doing it on purpose to show God how unhappy I was with Him.

When I woke up on January 1, 2012, the first thing I did was cry. I woke up feeling like OKAY. it's official- nothing will be the same. It was a tragic feeling, I was scared because I knew I was at the end of my rope. But I was petrified of letting God be in control again, because I hurt so badly the last time I let Him lead the way.

But then I started to hear little whispers. I wanted to ignore them, but I was breaking down quickly and couldn't keep my guard up.

There is a band called Wolves At The Gate. This past Saturday, one of their songs called Oh, The Depths was stuck in my head. I was doing something, singing it out loud to myself, and at one moment the past 4 months of my life came down at once. I knew it was happening, I knew God was crashing back into my life with force and I tried desperately to control the situation, which made it immediately WORSE.

I did the last thing I could think of to take my life into my own hands. I won't get into exactly WHAT i did, but it resulted in me crying and crying like something out of a movie. Honestly, it was pathetic! But it broke down the last barriers I had and I talked to God for the first time since August.

The next day I went to church... A church called Mosaic that I'd been specifically avoiding because it's supposed to be the "hip" church, and after 3 years of living in Portland I'd had my share of "HIP" churches. (Yes, everything you watch in Portlandia is true). But it all of a sudden this specific church was like a beacon, screaming my name all day until 7pm came around. It was amazing, I loved it, I left feeling new and filled up.

But then today, Tuesday, an old, tiny memory of the Boy came to mind that made me back track all at once. But this time I was angry and I started building those walls up again. I felt totally and utterly alone. unloved. unwanted. worthless. all of those things. but on top of that I was FURIOUS with God. WHY on Earth would he not want to come visit ME? HOW could He make me move here? How could I have been so STUPID! To think I just up and left... I must not have thought it out thoroughly. I was accusing him, blaming him, pinning anything I could on him.

At one moment, while I was holding my breath to stop crying, there was a moment of peace. And all I could think was I NEED WOLVES AT THE GATE I NEED WOLVES AT THE GATE! It was this frantic kind of thing, I don't know where the thought even came from. (well... i mean i do, but it seemed random at the time)

After a few songs my anger turned to worship, and i wasn't crying out of frustration but out of gratefulness for His grace and unconditional love. I was flooded with peace, something that I've been completely without since September.

The past 4 months have been a struggle because of all the uncertainty that came with taking such a huge leap of faith. While it was happening, I was excited! But the aftermath was confusing.

It took 4 months for me to admit I was scared. I'd been totally shutting Him out because I was scared of what he was going to change in my life. But doing all of that only brought me to the a place where nothing I did worked; i just kept getting worse holding on to things He literally told me to leave behind.

But the most insane part about it is that it only took 5 minutes from the moment I was yelling at God today to the time i was crying out and singing praises. Such transformations are really only possible through the dense love that is found through our Father. I've been smiling all day, and this is at a time in my life when my closest friends have been genuinely worried about me because the past few months have been a very crazy downward spiral.

It's crazy how sometimes you have to hit bottom to realize the most obvious thing, that God loves you always and you are NEVER alone.

"We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."-Romans 8:28

:)

Second Chances

User-Submitted — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 21:17:01 -0500

Back in July of 2011, I posted a story called Health Struggles. I suppose this could be considered a continuation...

When I was diagnosed with Crohn’s in the summer of 2003, I had just completed my first year of university (at the time I was going for BSC. Wildlife Biology). The classes were so big. The professors didn’t give a hoot about whether or not you showed up for class and they had serious God complexes. Everything was just so impersonal and I felt invisible. On top of that, I was so sick I could barely function. The Crohn’s initially presented itself as arthritis and by the end of the year I was hardly eating because it was too painful to walk to the cafeteria. It took everything within me to walk to the gymnasium to write my final exams. I managed to finish out the year, however once diagnosed I was too sick to return to school and so never obtained my degree. It was discouraging but with all I was dealing with, I could never fathom returning.

As you may, or may not, know, Crohn’s is considered an “incurable” disease. For months, all I heard about was coming to terms with the disease...accepting the inevitable...learning how to cope with lifelong symptoms. I made it to church as often as I was physically able and I grew up with a strong, Christian foundation, but hearing these things took a toll on me. One of the biggest, and possibly the saddest, ways I was affected was that I stopped dreaming. I started believing the lies of the enemy and only ever saw my future in terms of “the disease.” The past 9 years have not been easy by any stretch of the imagination. Not only has it been a physical battle, but a spiritual one as well. The Word says that though we live in the world, we don’t wage war as the world does (2 Corinthians 10:3). I had to wage spiritual warfare and take captive all those thoughts. I’ve grown a lot spiritually over these past years and although I still struggle, as anyone does, by God’s grace I’m doing pretty good at keeping those kinds of thoughts under control.

This past September something in me changed. I began revisiting all the dreams that had lain dormant for so long. I never in my wildest dreams thought I’d go back to school, but suddenly I had the urge to see what was out there. After looking at some programs, at the suggestion of a friend I took a look at ORU’s website. After reading some of the programs and praying about it, God put it on my heart to apply. I’m happy to say that I’ve been accepted and will be moving all the way from a little town in Ontario, Canada to Tulsa, Oklahoma to get my BSc. Biology. Not only that but the Crohn’s is, technically, in “remission.” I’m still believing for total manifest healing but in the meantime I feel great – the best I have in a long time.

By the time I graduate, I’ll be 32. I never thought I’d go back to school, let alone at 28. But age is just a number – I most definitely don’t feel my age. God is restoring unto me all the years I lost and I am SO excited to see what He has in store for me! For too long, I let the enemy toy with my mind. He had me believing that I could never do anything worthwhile. But after getting into the Word and just seeking God, I know that that is the biggest lie there is! It feels so good to dream again! I believe God places dreams inside us all. For me, I know He’s got something HUGE in store for me and I’m beyond ready to embark on the journey He has for me. Am I a little apprehensive? Sure. Change can be scary, but my hope and faith and trust are in God and I know that He is leading and guiding me through it all.

So I say all that to say this: For any of you who might be wondering if you’ll ever have a second chance, you will!! Don’t ever let anyone – family, friends, that little voice inside your head – tell you that an opportunity has passed you by or that you missed it. That is nothing but a lie straight from the enemy! The truth is this: God has such incredible plans for you! Plans for a hope and a future, to prosper and not harm you (Jeremiah 29:11). When we put our trust in God, He will direct our path (Proverbs 3:5-6). Best of all, God never gives up on His plans for you...”being confident in this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6) I pray that you rediscover the dreams God placed in your heart and go after them!

God Bless!

Ashley

College: My Breaking Point

User-Submitted — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 01:46:17 -0500

I just finished my first semester of college and when I look back on this semester, I see that I've gone through more than I went through in all of high school, especially spiritually. Looking from the outside, High school seems like it would have made a giant impact on my life, and it has. I met some great, life changing people, who I love dearly, but I think that within this first semester of college, I have changed much more than I did in those four years of high school,

My first week of college was filled with events planned for all the incoming freshmen to help them meet new people and build new friendships, however, I am painfully shy, so these were almost useless to me. I was too shy to speak to anyone mainly because I never really had to. All throughout my life, I never spoke to strangers if I didn't have to. And in this case, there was no one physically present encouraging me to reach out to people and get friends. Soon I became extremely lonely. A loneliness that I've never experienced before. There were times in high school were I didn't really have close friends, but at the end of the day, I could always come back home to family and put aside the loneliness until the next day. At college, however, there was no escaping the loneliness. To help you picture my feelings, it was like my mom had taken me to an ocean to live amongst all these aquatic animals who all had something in common with each other, but nothing in common with me. I was definitely a minority, an black person who's favorite bands generally won't be found on mtv, wearing skinny jeans and band shirts. The majority of the students were white and many of their interests seemed to be going out, partying, etc. I do realize this is an extreme generalization, but before getting to know anyone, this is the impression many gave off.

After a while I began to forget the sound of my own voice because I would go days without talking. I began to realize that I reached a new low in loneliness compared to any other moment in my life. This is when I had to completely turn to God. I've been a Christian for as long as I can remember, growing up in a Christian home, but it wasn't until this point that I realized that I really needed to give it all to God. It was like my life was a ballon, and I had given the ballon to God, but I kept a tight grip on the string connected to it. But after loneliness basically beat me to wits end, I had to give in and give up. I would not win. I couldn't win... on my own. I continuously prayed and told God to take total control, pouring my heart out to him nearly every night. Soon people began to speak to me and at first I was pretty awkward since I nearly forgot how to interact with people. One of the first group of friends who I see quite often was this group of kids who noticed me outside playing guitar. They came and watched me and we talked for a while, just getting to know each other.

Soon later I began to get to know people in my classes and other music major like myself and I began to see my general happiness increase. I have yet to find anyone with very similar interests as me who I hang out with regularly, however, God has brought me a long way. I am by no means popular and this story is not for me to say how much better of a person I became, but it's to tell how weak I became, and how God stepped in when I cried out to him and he heard me. This was the first time in my life that I felt completely helpless and I was forced to let God take control, and let me tell you; that's the best thing I've ever done. I still have to remind myself to let God take control constantly, seeing as how it's a new lifestyle for me, but after seeing how he brought me through this, it's so much easier to give Him control again and again. Hopefully it will become a habit soon, but I am thankful that God brought me to that point in my life, because I am more than sure that the lesson in giving, the lesson in surrendering, that He taught me is far greater than having all the friends I could ask for, the second I asked for them.

God is definitely not done working in my life, as I see new things he shows me constantly. He is always amazing me, and I have a new kind of joy, that I never really felt totally before. A joy that doesn't run away with certain circumstances, but a persistent joy that I know is from the infinite joy of my Lord.

Look left, look right, we all have issues, look up- He's the only One that can help.

User-Submitted — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 18:26:34 -0500

My name is Edna, I am a youth worker at this awesome church on Long Island New York, called the journey. For the past month or so we have been doing a series of messages biased on Isaiah 9:6-- "For a Child has been born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders and he will be called, Mighty Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, and Prince Of Peace."

The message and the goal that we are trying to reach is:
teaching our youth more in depth about who God is- that He's more than just this big guy up in heaven, that He is a personal God and He is everything we need Him to be.
each week a leader will tell there testimony and explains how God is their "prince of peace", "Mighty God", "Everlasting Father", or "Wonderful Counselor" and hoping that by giving them the real stories of what God has brought us through and helped us realize what he is to us, that they would in the realest way- figure out just who God is in there own lives.
we decided that we wanted to put together a youth night to show the rest of the church what the kids have learned, and what better way to do that than breaking out into groups biased on interest, talent, and creativity. (which will also teach them to give there talents back to God, and will teach them that God gave them to us to bless others.)
we decided to break out into these groups:
drama
step
poetry/rap/spoken word
preparing the message
art
I am Co-Leading the poetry/spoken word/ rap group.
for me this was very challenging. i find that lately i have been going through so much with my home life, my work life, and just things that i have been wrestling with in my own heart.
it is so difficult to proclaim that God is your peace when you feel chaos, that He is mighty and strong, when you don't know what is next.
i really knew that God was challenging me and trying to prove to me that no matter what is going on He is good and always there.
helping lead always means that you are an example and that you will be showing the kids the direction to go in, so i always have to have material ready. I gave my testimony on how God is a mighty God, and when we broke out into our groups we had made a plan to pick one of the four names and come back the next week with something.

During the brainstorming i was really encouraged to see the kids were really getting the messages that were being spoken on these four names. writing is always very personal and beautiful and it overwhelmed me so much to hear the kids open up about how they were feeling and how they knew God was with them. and even though i felt like i didn't even want to talk about who God was because i was going through so much and i didnt feel like i was proclaiming it as i went through my most recent trials, i was encouraged that they were proclaiming it and it really getting it- and it just felt like God revealed it to me: we all have problems look left, and look right, but look up and I am the only one who will help you.

and the next week that i came in i shared about how God is MY mighty God:

The girl standing right here was a drinker
felt the force of her fathers five fingers
these hands have felt the grip of every vice
making evert wring turn and paid the price
born to a single mother
who couldnt make ends meet
had to make it on my own at just 13
brokenhearted iver my big sister just buried six feet deep
defeat was nothing new but i didnt have a clue
it would over take in a way that made it hard for me to change
when i met You i was afraid
didnt ever expect such a love to come my way
lift my face
calm my fears dry my tears
call me out by name
you are my mighty God
you were with me all along
when i was weak you kept me strong
you are my mighty God
through the sting of every pain
now Your lighting up my face
changing all my sinful ways
healing all my pain
you are a mighty God who will never be put to shame.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
sometimes you dont realize things until you see it in others
we all need the help of others, in fellowship, in relationship
with one another, we all need heart support. we need each other
but the more importantly the one who created our hearts. Jesus.
I'm so thankful that He overcomes my doubts and that He allows
us to always come out in victory.
thank you.

Everything Is A Blessing.

User-Submitted — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:23:21 -0500

Every single thing that happens to you in your life is a blessing and a sign from God. Every. Single. Thing.

Think about that for a moment. I mean it. Every. Single. Thing. The story I'm about to share with you all doesn't sound like a blessing at all. It's a sad story, and has left me with many mixed emotions of sorrow, and guilt... But it's a blessing nonetheless.

Before I begin, I should give you some background. I'm 19, I'm in a serious, yet long distance relationship with my boyfriend (of 1 year), who lives in Washington State, I live in Toronto, Canada. We're both Christians.
So of course when he and I do get to see each other, we don't leave each other's sights for the duration of the visit. Every moment we have together is precious, and it just reminds us that someday we won't have to say goodbye at the end of the week, when it's time to go home.
But I digress.
A few weeks after his last visit, I noticed that I was feeling... off. I was overly-emotional, tiring way too easily, and feeling this sharp pain in my lower abdomen. I was also spotting, which was unusual for me, but I thought nothing of it. I thought it was my period.

A few days later, I was in this really intense pain, and it felt like something had "fallen out" (so to speak) (I don't want to go into details. I'm sorry). It was accompanied by bleeding, and a soreness where the pain was before. Google searches and a visit to the doctor confirmed what I definitely did NOT want to hear: Miscarriage. For a few weeks, I was pregnant and didn't even know it. And now I'm not. I lost the baby I didn't even know I had.

How could that even happen? I instantly felt relief. I'm in no shape to be raising a child now, at this age, with my boyfriend so far away, and besides, I wasn't even expecting to even be pregnant. How can I feel grief for the child I didn't even know I carried? I feel guilty for feeling those things now.
After talking to my boyfriend and a lot of prayer, I almost felt worse. Did God feel like I was an unfit parent? Would I have been incapable of keeping her (my boyfriend and I decided to give the baby a gender, so we would refrain from constantly referring to her as 'it' or 'the baby') safe? It wasn't fair. Unfit parents have children all the time. I would have adored this baby, and I would have given her everything she would have needed. She wouldn't be away from her Daddy for long, and we'd be a family and it would be fine.

I was selfish to think that way. And after more prayer I know that my baby is safe in heaven with God. God didn't take my baby away to punish me. My boyfriend and I weren't careful enough, and we shouldn't be engaging in such acts until we're together... Without saying goodbye. We can't have a family when we're not together. It's not what God intended.
This was a lesson, not a punishment. God wants us to learn from our mistakes, and He's there to teach us, so long as we are willing to learn from them, and not to reject them as "punishments" or to feel like God has forsaken us when we feel like we're going through troublesome times.
I know that I wasn't even aware that I had this baby until she was gone, but she has already taught me so much. I feel like this experience has made me a much stronger Christian. I'm still sad, but I still feel as blessed as before... If not more blessed, because God and my baby were able to teach me such a valuable lesson.
Blessings come in different shapes and sizes, and they're found in every scenario, every situation whether good or bad.
Everything is a blessing. Every. Single. Thing.

Making God Smile

User-Submitted — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:22:47 -0500

My entire life has been centered around making people proud of me. I recently stood in worship of an amazing God and truly set every worldly worry aside and His love washed over me and I couldn't even stand on my wont feet under the weight of His presence. I saw His face, the joyous smileing face of Jesus and He danced. He danced in joy because of me. Because He is proud of me. I dawned on me that I don't need people of this world to be proud of me, I over came that because God is proud of me and dances when he sees me calling out to Him and using my gifts and voice for his work here on earth. Please if you feel the need to strive for the acceptance of people or for them to look at your personal accomplishments and be in awe know that God is already proud of you and His love is far above any you will ever find any where.

Give up Hate, Give in to Love

User-Submitted — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 01:49:47 -0400

Growing up I didn't have an easy life. My parents were never together, not to mention they hated one another (and still do). I witnessed a parent being abused by significant other for most of my preteen years. My older sister had a child at age17. My brother and I always fought, sometimes violently. Through all that time I never knew why I was so sad. I didn't understand why I didn't want to be alive. Self harming was just a daily thing for me. I thought all these things were normal. As a 13 year old girl I really believed that's how my life was saposed to be. There were times when I was by my self when I would yell at god. Often I told god I hated Him. I felt abandon by god, helpless, alone, unloved. I didn't comprehend why this god character hated me, and I had my self convinced he did. It wasn't until age 15 that a relative very close to me got me to go to church. It was on mothers day so there were only women there. I remember the guest speaker was talking and everything she said I was disagreeing with because I hated god. Well she did an alter call for women who were abused. Almost every woman there went up. Some time went by before I realized I was crying. All the women that were standing in the front of that church had gone through a lot of the same things in endured and the accepted Jesus. I didn't give my life to Christ that night but when I went home I did pray for the first time. I asked why they were happy when I wasn't. No answer. After that my mentality was alright god, if your not going to answer me then I don't need you. So I went on with how I had always lived. A life that was full of anger and hate. I used to be so quick to hate. It took nothing for me to hate someone or something. If someone was happier than me, I hated them. Which at the time was everyone because I was so angry and depressed. I went on with the same friends that didn't really know me. I went on with the self hurt. Went on with the boys that didn't treat me rite. Went on hating. I cling to the hate like a raft because it was the only thing that ever made me feel anything. I was numb to joy and didn't believe in love and it wasn't a healthy place to be. In that time I thought about god a lot. I though about the women in the church who had been through the same things I had been through. I thought about how sad and angry I was. I still thought about dieing. It was several months after the first time I'd been to church when the same relative, my cousin, convinced me to go to youth group with her. I went with some reluctance but also I was curious. I wanted to hear what this "word of god" said. So I went. I recall seeing people worshiping for the first time. Some of them were crying, others were jumping and yelling. They were putting their hands in the air, in my eyes at the time, it was crazy. I asked a girl next to me what was going on and she told me they were giving god praise. Well I was going to have no part in that. So I sat down and put my head phones in a cranked my hardcore death metal. The thought of praising god was unheard of to me. So, I sat through worship and waited until the pastor started talking to take my ear phones out. Pastor started talking about how god loves everyone and how He sent his only son to die for our sins and so on and so forth. I wasn't truly listening. All I heard in my head was blah blah blah same old Jesus stuff. I was being so stubborn and ignorant until he said that once you accept it, you can never be separated from gods love. Mind you nothing good in my life had ever been constant. So the idea of permanent LOVE was so mind blowing and unheard of to me. After Pastor preached he asked if anyone would like to give their life to the lord, and I still didn't, but I stayed to watch people who went up for prayer. I was sitting there and the pastor came over to me and told me that he could see that I was hurting and that I was bitter. He also assured me that Jesus did love me regardless of anything I had done or been through. I had never spoken to this man before in my life. I did what I was good at and got mad. I recall yelling at him. Things i will leave out of this story due to vulgarity, but the just of it was this god of yours has never done anything for me. Pastor wasn't even shaken by anything I'd said. He was so calm I hated it. He told me that god has a plan for everyone, and all I had to do was let him into my heart. At the time I didn't understand why but I started crying. It scared me, I was far from an open book and I didn't want anyone to see me cry so I ran out of the church and sat in my aunts car and cried. A week later my cousin called me and said get ready your going to church. I promptly said no way, with far more curse words and hung up the phone. An hour later she was knocking on my door telling my to put my shoes on, I was going to church. Keep in mind she is two years younger than me and no one talked to me like that back then with out some sort of violence on my part. She got my into the car after quite some time of my protesting. We got to the church and I didn't even want to get out of the car. I went in and as soon as worship started I realized I didn't have my iPod, so I couldn't block out worship again. So I sat down in the back and watched the people put there hands up and yell and cry. Pastor started talking about whatever he was talking about, I wasn't really listening. Until he started telling a story about when he was a kid and how he was bullied and full of hate. As you can imagine, I got mad. This is the same guy who sat there cool as can be while I was yelling at him telling him that his god was a joke. There's no way he even knows how to hate. So after most of the kids left and people were being prayed for once again Pastor came over to me. He asked if I wanted to know how to get rid of the hate, I shrugged my shoulders. He told me that the only way he got rid of it was to ask Jesus for help. I looked at him like he was crazy and he brushed it off like it was nothing and kept talking. Pastor said that that's the only way he found to get rid of the anger permanently. There was that word again. Permanent. Once again. I started to cry and tried to leave. Pastor stopped me. He was was sitting by him now (I'd always liked her). He told me that crying wasn't always a bad thing. I didn't say anything because all I wanted to do was leave. I felt so vulnerable and weak and I couldn't handle it. My whole life I had to be hard and strong. Pastors wife started praying for me and the one thing that she said that really stuck in my mind was "Remove the calluses from her heart". I gave my heart to Christ rite then.That's when I felt gods love for the first time. I felt so safe and I didn't feel alone. For a time after that I still struggled with some of the old issues I had and the big guy, anger. The thing was it was better. I went to church and I raised my hands and praised god because He made me feel something that wasn't anger. If you take anything from this, let it be that hate isn't good for you. Give it up and give in to Love because believe me when I say you'll be so much happier.
Much love and Blessings,
Peyton Maye

Not Complete.

User-Submitted — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 03:28:32 -0400

Growing up was difficult and confusing. I was always causing trouble.
I rebelled against everything. If I was told not to do something I would do it for some stupid reason. This caused many beatings.
Everyone believed that I was the Devil's Child and I was called Viet Cong by my grandparents.
Life was bad. We were really poor.
My Dad had bad friends who were gangsters. Cliques formed in school because of descirmination.
And my Mom had 2-3 kids (Total of 4) to deal with at the time alone while attending school. She was beaten when she refused to dropped out of school by my Dad because my grandparents told him to do it.
The relationship with my parents was bad. My Dad tried doing everything for my grandparents just trying to gain their love.
My Mom beated my siblings and I a lot. I learned to hate her. She'd always tell us to not eat and die.
By the time I started understanding school. We were beaten to learn everything their was to know. My dad would hit my older sister and I if were to write a letter in the alphabet wrong. I had to no clue what the alphabet was at the time. I just knew how to spell my name.
My dad studied Wing Chun and I had a few lessons from my dad. I went to school and beat the other guys and everytime that would happen I would get a beating at home. Their was conflict at school. Everyone hated me in elementary school.
I was forbid to learn but that didn't stop any fights. I experience my first race war in 1st grade and I'm not trying to brag but we won, it was 2 against 5-7, Martial arts against WWF.
After a short time we moved to a different state because my Mom wanted to escape the whole life style. Dealing with my Dad's friends and she didn't want us to grow up in a bad enviroment.
When we got to a new state. Everything was different. No more friends. I was usually the only asian then and I was always descriminated.

By the time I got to middle school. I started hating everything and everyone. My family, we were really poor. People would talk about things and I would have no clue.
No one understood me. Everyone I called friend was too stupid to understand my life so I told no one anything.
The kids would make fun of me and my name. Then I resorted to violence. That was the only thing that I ever understood in my life. Violence got people to shut up and do what you want.
Home problems drove me mad. I had the heaviest desire of wanting to kill or die by 8th grade.
When I reached 9th grade. I was even more angery. It's a whole different world. Everyone would look at me and I would be judged.
I got make fun of everything. Being asian, short, my penis, my name, and the language I speak.
The teachers thought I was stupid and psychoatic.
My parents hated me.
My siblings hated me.
I was always distant from my friends. No one knows me truly.
I wanted to die so badly. I would write out my thoughts and suicide notes. Think about killing people and how if I was to do a school shootout no one would be able to stop me.

I got into a fight with a senior and gained some respect. Everyone started looking at me different then.
Other people from different races would approach me and say "We colors still together." Just because they wanted me on their team so bad and the other asian kids in highschool I never believed were apart of any violence.
They were just all too smart and I was called the outcast.
I've been neglected my whole life. I'm terrible with eye contact and I have trust issues and now people want me. That didn't make a difference.
The reason why I didn't kill anyone and commit suicide was because my Uncle John caused some troubles with his gangster activities and was sent to live with us.
He and I grew up together and he saw that my life was bad.
My mom would see my face and curse out to the heavens. Dad's always off, gambling and doing drugs.
My Uncle John told me he loved me and I felt it for the first time. I knew it wasn't fake because we actually have a bond.
I started removing my weaknesses then. I avoid my Mom in any kind of contact or communication for months.
Then one day I was walking home alone she picked me up and tried speaking to me. I ignored her and she started crying and told me how bad things were.
Like how my dad doesn't even care about us and how she has to fight to keep us alive. I was about to cry. I learned how to forgive then.
I wanted to kill my dad because he was the main cause of failure. I started looking at people as the problem and not me. Which was crazy but true because then I decided that I wasn't going to die like anyone of them.
Everyone was patheic and weak to me then. I started building my foundations. Good things, Bad things, as the world would see it and how I felt.
I tried applying religion to my life but it never connected to me. I cursed out God's name for everything bad that happened to me and today I look at myself as a fool because the start of my life was saved by Christians who I use to despise.
It was the Christians that fed my butt when my family was extremely poor and I was one of those unfornate people.
I bought a bible sometime in highschool. Tried reading it but I was never interest in reading books. I wanted to cleanse my soul. Remove all the darkness that I held. I got on my knees and told God that I was sorry and that he didn't have to forgive me.
I felt shivers running through my spine. That was the sign I was calling for to see if he was there.
I am a believer but I do not claim the title of being Christians. It's a belief and sometimes it's a thought that keeps me going.

Today I have conquered my depression and most of my problems with my personal life. I'm also in a band now and everything is going okay.

Not An Option

User-Submitted — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 15:16:06 -0400

Suicide was my only option. Nothing was getting better. I was failing in school, I was an alcoholic, all I ever thought about was getting high or taking pain medication. All I ever did was eat, sleep, and cut. That razor and the blood it helped produce was my only comfort. My friends were busy, as they rightly should have been. I was proud of them for all that they were accomplishing, but simultaneously I couldn't help feeling neglected and forgotten. My family was distant. They were also ignorant; I kept them that way. I could never imagine showing them my scars and bringing my addictions to their attention. Their love was all I had and how could somebody love a monster like me?
So I formed a new relationship with my razor and bandages. Simply the act of dragging the razor across my skin was a release from my entire existence. Cleaning up was my favorite part, though. In my mind, cleaning up a wound is cleaning up my emotions. I was hurt, so I would bandage everything up and let it heal.
These "cures" of self mutilation, alcohol, drugs, and pills lasted for a time. But always the emptiness, anger, frustration, and darkness would come back, even more intensely than before. My demons grew stronger everyday and I was powerless to defeat them, at least on my own.
So one day (after getting extremely drunk and high, throwing up, and getting even more drunk), I went into my bathroom, locked the door, sat on the floor, took out my razor, and started making careful cuts across my entire body, a little deeper than usual. I cried the whole time, silently. The tears mingled with my blood in a beautiful way, like Christ's tears in the garden of Gethsemane. I was happy and sad, angry and joyful. It would finally be done, over! Yet the dark voices in my mind reminded me of why I was doing this: anger at the world, my family, my friends. Frustration at my own failings filled my heart and mind. Then I realized I was failing this very moment; I was failing my family, friends, teachers, everybody who ever believed in me. I was failing my entire life, right here, on this bathroom floor. Instead of making myself stopped, I started slashing at my arms, legs, and chest. Eventually (I have no idea how much time had passed. I had been completely dissociating) the blood was pouring out of my limbs. My body was numb. My face was drenched from the tears. I went to wipe them away and found my hands had blood on them. Soon my face was covered, and my chest. Admittedly, I enjoyed having my blood all over my body. I felt like what I had set out to do was accomplished.
But then it occurred to me that I was still sitting there in my bathroom. Blood was still flowing. My heart was still beating. I looked down at my wrists: the cuts weren't deep enough. I thought desperately of what to do, but my mind didn't seem to be working. I didn't panic or cry, I didn't do anything. I just sat there and listened to my friends' voices out in the kitchen, down the hall from my bedroom.
Eventually somebody knocked. I let them continue until they persisted that I open the door. See, my friends knew to keep and eye on me. Two weeks previously I had had a pretty serious panic attack. Luckily during that they had stuck by me. Otherwise I would have done exactly what I was doing now.
So, after a while, I unlocked the door, with much effort.
I don't remember much of what happened next. I just remember my two best friends cleaning me up, calling for help, and the police and ambulance coming. One of my best friends had called her parents without my knowledge. When I heard them walk into the apartment, I panicked and started crying; I couldn't let them see me like this, what would they think? I couldn't look at them. I didn't want to see the looks on their faces, looks of disappointment. The police questioned me and the ambulance came. Before I went outside to the truck, I finally looked up at them: they weren't disappointed, they were sorrowful. This stuck a knife into my heart like nothing else ever had. Finally, my own mind spoke up in my head: Danielle, what have you done? At that moment I realized how many people loved me, how many people would miss me if I were to leave them.
*
At this point, I'm going to skip ahead a few months. I'm now living back home with my mother. I'm in an outpatient program at the hospital in Columbia, SC. I'm miserable again.
I never thought group therapy could ever help me, considering I have social anxiety disorder. How could pouring out my heart to strangers relieve my anxiety and fix my problems? At first, it didn't. But then I started having one-on-one counseling sessions with my counselor, Marjorie. These sessions are what really changed me. She seemed to shed light on all the darkness in my mind and heart and bring order to the chaos. She taught me how to identify my emotions and learn to control them, how to interact with other people, how to identify my triggers and cope with them. She taught me the life skills I never learned and gave me the affection I so desperately needed.
After a while, I started to realize that God was working through her. At first I hadn't even considered God in this whole situation, but then it hit me that everything happens for a reason. He had to put me into this darkness and despair in order for me to fight my way out into His light.
During group sessions, the hospital chaplain would sometimes come and talk to us about spiritual matters. I listened to everybody's spiritual struggles, and eventually voiced mine. In my own words I described my frustration with my feelings of loneliness and God's supposed absence from my life. As I talked I started to answer my own questions, as I often do. God wasn't absent, I just wasn't letting Him in.
*
I was raised in a Christian home. Both of my grandfathers were ministers. My mothers parents were missionaries to Brazil. My entire family were heavily involved in their churches and the communities. I thought that all of these things meant I had a relationship with Jesus.
I was desperately wrong. And because of my ignorance, what other path was there for me except one of destruction? I know now that God used that as my jumping off point. He put me in darkness, then brought me to the light. And let me tell you, feeling His presence and love finally in my heart was all I needed to completely turn my entire life around.
I'm still not where I would like to be, but I am happy. I love Jesus and I know He loves me. I tell my story to those in the situation I was in and help them in any way I can. Then I step back and let God do the rest.
I don't claim to have a perfect relationship with God, but that's okay because nobody does. My only testimony is that I was washed in blood and utterly changed. I had suffered my own crucifixion, spilled my blood, and was brought back to life by the Holy Spirit. Now I'm just a disciple walking through life.
I hope this helps those who need help, and enlightens those who need enlightenment.

Spiritual Challenges

User-Submitted — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 12:24:55 -0400

I am 35, I live in Florida. I have had many addictions in my life that God has delivered me from. In my teens and early twenties I was hooked on alcohol, weed, tobacco, and pornography. I felt that I couldn't be happy in life without these substances. I had been to church on and off again all my life, and made many half hearted attempts to live for God, but always gave up after a short period of time.
When I was like 27, I just felt really tired of my life and where I was going. I felt I was living a lie, but I knew the one true source of truth was God. So I just surrendered to Jesus I asked him to forgive me and I repented. I started praying everyday for God to deliver me from my addictions. I got into his word, and I changed alot of things that I listened to and watched. And just trusted him. He answered my prayers and he delivered me from my addictions. He has also changed my heart, my mind, and my life. Have I failed since? My answer is "Yes", many times. Have I felt like giving up? "Yes, many times". Everytime I fall, I just confess and get back up. I have learned that true happiness doesn't come from drugs, alcohol, or sex, or things that we possess. True Happiness is found in a person and his name is Jesus Christ.

Depression, Emotions, Christianity

User-Submitted — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:29:26 -0400

Something I have experienced from fellow Christians during my journey is a pervasive message that we need to just let emotions go and give them to the Lord, as in avoid or bypass them. Now, I'm not sitting here saying we are to be out of control. Nor am I naive enough to think that some people don't have emotions way out of control and are on a journey to control them. Everyone has different issues they are having to face. I can only speak about my journey and others from similar backgrounds that have confirmed similar issues and guidings in their journey. Coming from a background of abuse and no one wanting to face that elephant in the room, many have been told that their anger is out of line and they need to sit down and shut up. Or they have been told that being honest would destroy other people so everyone else's emotions are more important. And/or they've been told by the person that abused them that their tears at the time of abuse was wrong and get out of my sight or many other scenarios that I don't need to spell out. If you come from this background you know and can relate. The one common theme in them all was being told what you are feeling is wrong, now stop it!!! Yet, as I journey along, I've come to understand that the real issue was never my emotions, but how that reflected what the other person was doing and they didn't like it and tried to hide it by shaming the person they hurt. Now, really, how warped is that. But as children, we don't get that higher level thinking. We just know the people we are supposed to listen to were upset with us. We must be doing something wrong.

Now fast forward to becoming a Christian and one wants to talk about something like this or admit they have depression and many are quick to say generally the same things. Well, just let that go. Or don't think on that. Or a multitude of 'brush that under the carpet' mentality. Yet...... where does that come from? I don't see this in the Bible. On more than one occasion I've heard people in the counseling profession admit that Christ had healthy emotions. What? Healthy emotions. Stoic might not be the way to go. Borg style, false, everything is just fine, take one for the collective might not be what is genuine and real? Yep. That's what I am learning on my journey.

During the height of my depression I had a brother of Christ telling me I needed to do certain things and stop thinking about it and don't move within your emotions. Yet, within the Spirit, there was this invitation to finally feel it all. I was so confused. I was fairly new to 'following Christ' and was so focused on the words with the real person standing before me and really unsure about the Spirit stuff yet. Facing the emotions hurt, so that wasn't a feel good fix. I thought giving over to Christ meant life should become rosy not more complex. Yet ......... all those years of feeling like a big bottle of soda that had been shaken so many times and told to just hold it in was taking it's toll. I would take 10 -20 hits and then the pressure on the lid would allow it to pop up and let some spewing take forth and I would fight to pull the cap back on and stop the leak. To the outside world, who would see the valve pop would think I had to learn to control my emotions. Yet inside I had never dealt with any of them. No one ever gave me permission. LOL. I can laugh now, because I see clearly what was going on, but in the midst of it, it was no laughing matter. It was amazing to me to discover that depression is the suppression of emotion. (Sometimes it's chemical and such, but sometimes it's what's being shared.) Once I heard that, it made so much sense within my life. A lot of pieces of the puzzle began to fit together.

Now Jesus tossed a few tables with justified anger (Matthew 21:12 - 13 & Mark 11:15 - 18), He sweat tears of anguish and asked if there was any other way before having to face heading to the cross (Luke 22:39-46), and Jesus (and this one just gets me). Jesus cried with the mourners over Lazarus' death, knowing He was going to raise him from the dead (John 11:20-45). This is not the life of an emotionless savior. Not only that, but throughout His time people did not want to hear what He had to say, but He did not wait for permission to speak. Nor did their reactions change the truth of what He was saying. Their aversion to what He was saying was directly correlated to how it affected them and the life they had grown accustomed to. Sound familiar?

He also took His greatest issues and thoughts personally affecting Him to the Lord. It is not our job to feel our emotions and take them out on people. But to find a way to release them safely, not sin in our anger. (Ephesians 4:20-40) We are also told to Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. (Romans 12: 15) These are not passages that say 'pretend emotions don't exist'. The world and even Christians get caught up with the passages that say turn the other cheek and pray for your enemy. One can pray for their enemy or those that tear one down and still deal with their emotions about it and let them out and not bottle them up. If anyone has read the Psalms, there is no question in my mind that David suffered from depression at times. Yet, he took those thoughts and emotions to the Lord. That is what we are called to do. We are not to fear them, dutifully swallow them, attack others with them or pretend they don't exist. What a difference in my life to deal with them as I experience them. I've shared before how I took a sledge hammer to a rusted out wagon and just let out all the frustration of the helpless things that have happened and were happening. It was so releasing and I've not picked up those issues again. I released them that day. Be smart and use safety precautions like eye protection and such, but don't fear that anger. Just release them without sinning and hurting others with words and anger that can't be taken back once released. As I have dealt with current emotions the need to release on that level has not returned. In reality, that was the release of 35 years of bottled up anger, and that first step was one doozy of a release. But since then I do deal with my emotions most days before the sun goes down. I haven't felt the same bottled up pressure because it gets dealt with. I still have found myself, at times, bottling things up, but once I recognize the old pattern I journal, talk with my Father in heaven or deal with them in some healthy manner. Once I do, then I get to the heart of the issue and have words to talk with someone, not just react in a hurtful way after 10 - 20 hits. The lid is off the bottle and the pressure is not being built up but released as I go. Breathing all the time. Soda pop grows stale if left to breath, but a human learning to breath and not hold their breath, thrives!

We don't need anyone's permission to feel. We won't be able to find the right words to protect other people's feelings about the truth of their choices and our honest reactions. We are not meant to stand before someone and be a whipping post of their feelings either. We are to let our emotions go and give them to the Lord (as in feel them, not lie or candy coat them, He already knows anyhow). The only thing we control in our lives is our walk and journey. It was time for me to deal with my anger and stop pretending like anger didn't exist. Emotions are not a failure, are not to be feared nor are they to be spewed out recklessly or used to control others. They are an essential part of how we are made and come with responsibility. Emotions are also not dependent on the other person accepting our response as legitimate. We need to allow them the space to own their choices as much as we need to own ours and our responses.

Blessings everyone.

I am a complusive overeater

User-Submitted — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 15:11:40 -0400

I can remember when I first started to eat to cope with my problems. I ate so much that I threw up dinner. I felt this urge to overeat. My parents didn't care that I over ate. I really started to gain the weight in the second grade. This was after I had moved from my only home to a new house far away from the people I knew. I wouldn't want to go outside and play. I would stay inside and watch as much TV as possible. I quit playing sports and wanted to watch the TV and eat. I ate cookies and left the wrapper inside the cabinet empty. My dad was hard to relate to. He would be gone at work for most of the time. Then on weekends he would drink. My sister and I would be amused by all the promises that my Dad made while he was drunk. We would fascinate about what we would do. Then the next day my Dad forgot about we talked about and was disinterested. I continued to over eat. Once I started driving I would go to fast food places with friends. Food was a social activity for my friends, but I would often eat in secret. I was embarrassed to eat to much in front of people in fear of them trying to stop me or criticize me. But that never stop the teasing from my school mates and others about my weight. I was called ugly from people I didn't even know. I felt depressed. This would accelerate my over eating. Eventually I ate when I felt any emotion at all. I would stuff my feelings down with food. I would sedate my emotions with food, and soda pop. I didn't have many friends. I felt that my depression and my weight kept me from dating and meeting people. I now eat late at night to soothe the loneliness and waste of life that has come through years of overeating. My depression turned to harming my self. I had three years ago sought to end my life. I overdosed on prescription antidepressants and mood stabilizers. I am doing better mentally, but my body is taking the toll from eating so much. I know where to shop for the good deal on junk food. I know when the stores close and which ones stay open all night. I eat myself to extremes. I will go out and eat whole boxes of cookies and snack cakes. Last night I ate a whole pie in one sitting. I let my parents enable me to eat more. I eat so much that I have broken chairs, broken many pants, and I have a broken heart. I feel discriminated with my job search at interviews. I have so much shame in myself. I have worked a little of the twelve steps but I can't get any where. I am today trying to fast on food. It is hard to do. I feel stuck. Always gaining weight. I am trying fasting because I heard it from the video on the Heart Support website about Ole. I am currently over three hundred pounds.

its a slow fade

User-Submitted — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 15:08:47 -0400

my story was originally called "its a slow fade, when black and white are turned to grey" well for me the dad issue isnt any better... but i stoped smoking for the most part... basically cuz my brother moved out of town... but anyways! i am moving to a new town so my plan for the next 2 yrs of my life is to pretend that all the crap that happened in the last 16 yrs of my life hasnt happened and i will just remember the happy times before my family fell apart...
i recently started listening to a band called blue october... i know its not a christian band but i dont care what my mom thinks... the song blue does is my favorite... the lead singer of the band (justin furstenfeld) is also the songwriter and he wrote the song for his daughter ( her name is Blue) and in the song he says "shes the answer to the silence, shes my sound" and i have vowed that when i grow up and have kids i will be that kind of parent and i will marry a guy who treats my kids the right way... i know this was long but thanks for reading and pls pray for me~~nessie

A reason to give up

User-Submitted — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 00:43:09 -0400

It's funny how God works. I've been struggling with self-injury for nearly two years, and about seven months ago I was given the perfect opportunity to give it up. Home life was better, I was close to God, I had a fantastic boyfriend, and I was doing well in school. There was no reason for me to continue cutting . . . but I did.
I started abusing it. I would cut at any minor annoyance. And when things started to get bad again, I went off the deep end. My boyfriend at the time - who professes to be a Christian - 'couldn't handle it' with the depression, so he broke up with me for a close friend. At one point, I cut my arm seven times in a row and wore long sleeves every day to school, even though it was starting to get warm outside.
I finally came to my wit's end. Another close friend at school found out that I was cutting and threatened to stop being friends with me because of it. My first instinct was to shun them and turn in on myself; I'm the victim here, they can take it or leave it. It's not my fault that my life sucks, right?
But somewhere, I finally got it into my head. I was losing touch with God, I'd lost a boyfriend and was on the verge of losing my best friend . . . for what? A few moments of temporary relief? Cutting never solved anything. I have the scars to prove that all it did was make things worse. I was tired of thinking about cutting all the time. I was tired of hiding the scars. I wanted to just live life like a normal person! So I went through my room and got rid of every razor blade I could find. (I scared myself at how many I actually had in there.)
I'm now proud to say that I've been cut-free for 3 months and counting. I've only cut once in the past 5 months. I'm reconnecting with God, my friends are close to me again, and one of my best friends is now my boyfriend. They all know about my past, but they know how far I've come and are all proud of me for coming as far as I have. And what more could anyone ask for?

Letting it all go....

User-Submitted — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 16:51:38 -0400

Hey, I wrote something on here a while ago...something full of sadness and loss of hope. At that point I felt like I could never move on, never be normal. I treated depression with cutting and moping. Even if I could i refused to see the sunshine in all of those amazing situations. About a couple of months after I actually realized I was missing something. It wasn't something my long distance relationship could solve, nothing my friends could solve. I found I was missing something more. I learned how to take all my pain and fear and grief and completely turn it over to God. This process included coming to church screaming (Quite literally) from the pain, in a bathroom...alone with Satan. I found him and felt as though life was amazing...Satan moved in though...he fought God for my heart and all i could do was let what ever happened happen. Satan took over me again....he stole my heart from God and sent me into the worst recession I had been through. On the way home from a softball game about 3 weeks ago, I was talking to my coach/professor and he told me something that had been slammed into my head several times that week. Demons may not be able to possess Christians, but what they can do with your thoughts can go a long way! What they can do to you internally can send you into depression. As crazy as it sounds, WE AS CHRISTIANS can cast them out. As long as we have the power of God depression doesn't have to bind us! Stress is nothing and we can even heal the sick. I have changed so much that I have even come up with a comedy show on youtube. Its how I have learned to express myself. Now, not to make this longer, but here is something that I wrote a couple of months after I carved a pentagram in my arm:

"Life Pretty messed up!"

Soo, I realize how much I hate the world. It tells us we're imperfect, useless, worthless...and the worst thing is all we do is take it in. Let it soak up in our bones....let it say our bodies don't look good enough, that our face is imperfect...that everyone hates us....that we need that knife that you hide in your dresser drawer. The world tells us to fight with our parents, cause THEM the pain the cause US. The truth is, it makes me sick, litterally like on the verge of retching, to read about some of the things people have done. Vomiting to get rid of fat that most likely isn't there, starving yourself to make yourself look bone thin? I just wish I could go and hug them, all of them. All they...all WE need is someone to hug us, tell us its ok.....tell us we're not too fat, too weird, too "emo", too far gone, too stupid...etc etc. I just want to tell them to IGNORE all of it!! To let them know that it doesn't have to be like this, that people care, that I care if no one else.....I want everyone to be drunk on Jesus, not alcohol. To have that feeling of love and joy....I am so confused about my own life and sometimes I feel bad that I can't just be there for all those people who I don't even know, express my love to those who I do know.......If you're reading this right now and you are "classified" in something that I listed or something that I left off, just know that I am praying for you and I care...you're the ones that I cry about everyday....the ones who I just want to let you know so strongly that you are beautiful and wonderful and you don't need cutting and depression! I was there...I am still there...I am still a cutter, I am still depressed....I want you to know the same thing people have told you over and over again...you're not alone. But I do not mean this in the same sense...I mean that Christ is right there with you. too many people brush that off...but Jesus went through the same things as us. While he was on Earth he suffered ten times what we suffer everyday...why? because he was watching everyone he loved suffer....he was perfection looking at the imperfection of the world! He suffered sadness, deep sadness, anger, temptation, unfairness......EVERYTHING. and trust me, I know that it seems like He isn't there and like you HAVE to depend on other things, but he is there, he's right there with you. All you have to do is reach out to Him, let Him know you need Him. Humble yourself...... And to those who think your life is pretty daggon good....I am in awe of you...my life has not been that for years...I get the glimpses of what it was when I am with my eldest brother in his car jammin to Relient K and screaming my lungs out.....but honestly....You are sooo lucky and I am not meaning to make you feel bad at all....All I mean is that you are such a blessing to those around you... those who are overwhelmed! You're the ones they can depend on and stay close to God, please everyone. He is so wonderful and he puts us through trials so we can strengthen our faith and learn......please. don't give up whatever it is you suffer through! You are loved......so if you are bulimic. I never have been, but I heard my cousin while she made herself vomit. If you're anorexic, so was my cousin! If you're a cutter, I am as well, I saw my cousins scars and attempt to kill herself. If you're suicidal, I watched my cousin run from my sister with a knife in the middle of an attempt, I have attempted it myself...if you're depressed, so am I...and if you're hopeless, find your comfort in Christ and him alone. Don't depend on the people around you. People leave you and betray you, but Christ, he is forever! I can not name everything that people suffer......but just know that you're loved! I heard from someone who wasn't very close but is now that "Depression (Issues/problems) aren't who you are, its what you're going through" and its as Relient K wisely states "Who I am hates who I've been!" This isn't you. its what you suffer and it can change....this isn't what God wants for you, but its what you need for training for Him......If this isn't who you are than you don't have to be it. And I know its hard, trust me, I know its hard.. I taught in the nursery this past week and they were learning about "God's gift to Mary" and how Gabriel said that "Anything is possible with Christ" that is so true tho...ANYTHING is possible with Christ.....

I hope you can find a way through your pain and I hope you know that GOD is always there, when your friends aren't, your counselors aren't, your parents aren't, GOD is!!

Rescued (follow up to Sorrow)

User-Submitted — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 00:48:37 -0400

Last February my first boyfriend broke up with me. It was the worst experience of my entire life. I felt worthless, unloved, alone, depressed, engulfed in my never ending pain and sorrow. I was swallowed alive by my hurt and couldn't escape, there was no exit, i couldn't see the light. People told me that everyday got better but each day I still cried myself to sleep and would cry when I got up in the morning. I constantly felt empty and hollow and craved for something to fill this void that was tearing me apart from the inside. The month of March came and I was still stuck in my hole of darkness until one day God came into the picture again. Before I had an awesome relationship with God and I realized that God was going to save me from my sorrow. And He did. But I still constantly fell down every single day and God always picked me back up. I still fall every day and He is still picking me up and constantly rescueing me from myself, He is the only reason I made it through all my pain. Without God I don't think I would have gotten as far as I have come. I still fall and feel empty sometimes but some days I don't and i know that it is all because of God that I get to find relief and I thank Him for the days of comfort. I know that my healing is almost complete and now I have to learn to move on from the past and finish what I have started. God has helped me through the entire thing and I praise Him for it.

got the help i needed part 2

User-Submitted — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 23:09:56 -0400

just an update. I still struggle with depression and anxiety and still have to check that things are turned off or locked up but i feel stronger in myself. I'm still on the anti depressants and they do help.
When i start to get anxious or depressed I have to remind myself that the world won't end if i havent turned a switch off and to not worry so much if people like me or not. My husband has helped a lot with that. Also my faith in God has helped me through some tough times. I struggle with my faith like everyone else but i just have to remind myself of the footprints poem and know He's there.
I just want to tell people that feel sad, lonely, depressed, anxious that there are people who feel the same way and there is a way out. Get the help you need. Don't give up.

Just Another One

User-Submitted — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:57:15 -0400

Hello, I posted my story on this site a little while back. I can't say that I am a great deal better now than I was then. I am feeling better now, but it is feeling more and more like the calm before a storm hits. I know it will hit again, it always does, and I have resigned myself to the fact that these storms will probably come and go forever.

There are two advantages that I would say I have over these times, though. The first is that Jesus lives with me. Without God's love in my life, I would have given up long ago. The second is new to me and can be found in the Bible in Ephesians 2:19-22 19 "Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, 20built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. 21In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord. 22And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit."

Because of the situation I was in, I never felt like I could talk to anyone about how I felt or what was going on. This became a habit and is now to the point that when I even try to talk to people about how I feel, I instinctively shut down my emotions and I often forget what I am trying to say. I generally avoid people and have had problems fitting in with churches because I don't feel like I belong; I think that I should be at church, but then church requires that I be around people and open up to them a little. If I didn't have problems, then maybe I would open up to them, but instead I just lie and say I'm fine.
Well, it's now clear to me that God doesn't mean us to be alone. When He created Adam, He said "It is not good for man to be alone." For a while now, I have felt a love and empathy for people in my situation, people who are often depressed, people who have always suppressed their emotions, people who have been through some of the same things I have and worse, and people who have for too long ignored their own problems because they are too busy helping others. I know the pain and am not immune nor am I healed of my suffering, but all the same I sense that their are many others our there in my position and I think it would be good to talk.

Follow up for Feeling Alone For No Reason

User-Submitted — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 01:14:20 -0400

So it's been awhile since I wrote my story up here. Half a year pretty close.

I just wanted to let you know that things were good, and then the got alil worse. I "relasped" once I guess you could say. And I'm still struggling a little. Most of my thoughts to cut are gone. But sometimes out of nowhere they come up and I have to try so hard to push them away.

My faith in God has stumbled alittle as well, which could be part of the problem.

I just wanted to let you know, that once you quit cutting or whatever you're doing, it's still a struggle. You still have to fight. But you can survive.

You can.

Masturbation, Porn and Cutting

User-Submitted — Thu, 19 Mar 2009 00:24:40 -0400

I'm a man who's struggled with masturbation and porn my entire life. I was abused as a child. I have tried to break free from the addiction thousands of times it seems. At one point I made it to a year, but most of my attempts ended within a matter of daysweeks (sometimes hours). The problem is, recently I started cutting myself on the leg in order to avoid masturbating or commiting other sexual sins. And now, I'm tryng to get free from that as well. Currently I'm 8 days free of all these addictions, and I'm feeling pretty strong. I would appreciate prayer and support though, it is much needed. God had been the one thing that has kept me going through all of these struggles. Havng a deep and intimate relationship with Him. It's about relationship with God, NOT religion. I love to worship, sing, talk to God, read the Bible and spend time with Him in everyday life. He is truly sooooo much more satisfying than anything else (I've tried almost everything), so I know from experiance. Feeling loved by God is the greatest thing any person can experiance. So don't give up, everyone, you can get free. No matter how many times you fall, you can always stand back up. Let God love on you and give you His healing touch. Life is sooooo mch better and so much happier without addictions weighing you down. Don't ever give up. It's worth the fight to spend an eternity with God in heaven.

My passion is for those who struggle with masturbation, porn, self infliction and other sexual sins. So if anyone out there is longing to be free and would like prayer or advice or encouragement, email me at freedomfromaddictions38@yahoo.com

It is harder than words can describe.

User-Submitted — Sat, 28 Feb 2009 13:07:10 -0500

November 7th 2007 was the day I last cut. yay me! but I am just going to be honest recently everyday I hurt more and more, I thought things would get easier with time but I feel like I'm pushing a 20 ton boulder up a sheer cliff face. I am getting more tired every single day. Someone told me that it's been a year and that I must be "healed" now but self injury is not something you get healed from it is something you have to deal with day in and day out. SI is something I have a feeling will be a life long struggle because when you feel release using something it takes a very long time to find somewhere else to find release. I thought I was doing okay but things seem to be getting harder. Maybe it is the fact that stress and other things have been piling on and then one thing broke me and brought me to the place I am now. I applied to be an intern someplace back in November and I just kept waiting and waiting and waiting to hear back from them, and about a week ago I got a response that said that they had reevaluated and were looking for three types of interns those with graphic design skills, those with video production skills and those with advanced web skills, I don't really have any of those and it broke my heart because I wanted that internship so badly and I thought I was for sure going to get to be an intern. I haden't even really planned anything else for this summer because I thought I didn't need to. It was not getting that internship that has made me fall down on my face. I wish I could say that if you stop cutting things will be peachy but that would be a false hope and I think it would be better if I didn't lie to you. I feel like I have failed and I hate feeling this way.

A test

User-Submitted — Fri, 13 Feb 2009 17:56:54 -0500

I never knew that going to a hospital was preparing me for what was to come! I never dreamed that my life was going to change for ever in a few short months. I was just learning how to deal with my depression and suicidel thoughts. I didn't know that God had sent me into a depression so that I could get help and become a stronger person that what I was. If I was the same person I wouldn't have been able to handle it as well as I am. I never dreamed that in Oct. that my grandparents would be murdered for no reason at all and that they didn't even take anything. I still miss them to this day and am glad that God got me help before everything broke lose in Oct.

I used to cut.

User-Submitted — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 19:22:59 -0500

I used to cut, and I feel like a complete hypocrite b/c I have relapsed a few times and then stopped cutting, and I tell people about To Write Love On Her Arms and Heart Support, and what the organizations are about. I feel like if they found out I still do at times that I won't be able to help them.

hold on.

User-Submitted — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 19:21:10 -0500

Hey Guys!

I wrote my story a long time ago called Sex, Weed and Bacardi,
and i'm doing fine now.
my parents finally let me back in.
my parents went to rehab after i brought them to church,
and my brother, i haven't seen him in awhile.
i've learned a lot from then,

keep holding on!

following up

User-Submitted — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 13:49:20 -0500

life still every day is kind of awkward...I am trying to ive better and my friends have been helping me...I have started to forgive and forget with more of my problems and that has helped...I still remember alot of the stuff that has happened and it still hurts...But when I have turned to writing an dlistenung to music. A band I have listened to more often than before to is falling up and their music is up lifting...but I trying as hard as i can and for the good of my friends and family i still put a smile on and act happy so that things can be normal.....

My depression led to harm

User-Submitted — Thu, 29 Jan 2009 11:43:41 -0500

Well i know i was doing bad with my relaiotships but they got worse i tried to commit suicide 3 times now. all unseccessful but things are still pretty bad right now. so my follow up is not good its getting worse i need more help.

My story.

User-Submitted — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 21:35:39 -0500

When I was younger i lived with my dad.I lived with him till i was about six then i moved in with my grandparents.I lived with them till i was nine.My mom had left my dad when i was about three i guess.But then all of a sudden my mom wanted to be part of my life.I moved in with her and my 2 other brothers and 2 sisters when i was nine.Being a military kid all of a sudden was a weird change i didnt know what to expect because i was the weird private school girl.My first year was 5th grade.That year was so scary and i wished it never happened.5th grade introduced me to drugs alcohol sex and all that other stuff.I was to scared to do any f it so i was teased and made fun of while my perfect sister Angela was so popular and so pretty and im never as good as her.Since im the oldest of my moms kids then i was blamed for everything.I was thrown into reality too fast too soon.As far as i was concerned i was still this little girl who had been sheltered all her life.6th grade was hard because we had to move at the end of it yet again.6th grade i was an emotionall train wreck.It felt good though to be "in" but it seemed like everytime i was happy something went wrong wether it was in my family school ect. the end of 6th grade was when the cutting started for me i did it for fairly good reasons.I was outcast by my friends things were all too wrong in my home and i couldnt trust anyone.7th grade.7th grade is the worst grade for me so far.My step dad hates me and to be honest i hate him.y mom doesnt trust me nd she doesnt get my side of the story.Reform school or street are the only options she gives me when i threaten to leave.I cant take her anymore and its messing me up in the head.She beats me,her and Jerry the step dad.Ive had bruises and marks.Ive had to hide them but its hard when its on my face.They call me names.They accuse me of things ive never even heard of.The thing is what parents dont get these days is that kids do what you tell them not to do.REVERSE PHYSCOLOGY people.What i dont understand is that they wonder why im hurting myself.Thats the icing on top of the cake isnt it?

My mom doesnt understand why i would rather be in my room reading then talking to her or hanging out with her.The my step dad throws fits over why we cant be a family.They get mad at me for stupid reasons then when my sister does the same thing its a slap on the back of the hands it just rolls right over.She skips the ENTIRE storm.Then that storm decided to inhabbit my breathing space.Ive starved myself for weeks.Ive burnt myself Ive cut Ive thrown up Ive locked myself in my room Ive slept for hours at a time only waking up to go to the bathroom.Ive pinched myself Ive bitten myself Ive broken body parts on purpose.You name it.

Thats my story.
Katie

A Bit of my Testimony, Part II

User-Submitted — Mon, 08 Dec 2008 23:23:51 -0500

“God is your (I am.) There will always be enough exceedingly abundantly enough to meet every need. Face every problem. Walk through every difficulty, stand through every trial. Overcome every struggle. The (I am) is your source, confidence, and your victory.” -Roy Lessin

I am one of the most outgoing teenagers that you would ever meet, and I can say that with pride. I'm one of those types who can walk up to anyone, start talking to them about anything. The one topic I’ve always had a passion for discussing with individuals is my faith in Christ. I learned that God gave me the gifts of being outgoing and being able to speak in public fairly well. He also gave me the gift of learning how to overcome struggles, and to in return honor Him for learning how to recover. I am determined to become a well educated individual and I am willing to surrender whatever is necessary to one day find serenity for any struggles within everyday life.

I found that the only way I could cope with my dad’s alcoholism was to try and gain control of my own life. I knew the only way to escape the chaos that my parents had placed in my life I was through good grades, staying involved in activities, and succeeding in school. Attending Church, my Ala-teen meetings, and Celebrate Recovery program, which is called Life Hurts, God Heals which is offered at the church I attend, Southland Christian Church. I knew that my parents could not tell me what decisions I should make for my life, since they didn't know how to deal with their own lives. My mother was not there, she has borderline personality disorder and my father was usually dysfunctional, because of his addiction to alcohol. Which led me to control and determine my life.

Through all the programs I have attended, I learned that God allows things to occur within our lives, for no other reason than to make us stronger for Him & His kingdom. He will only give us things that He KNOWS we can handle! I grasp onto the fact that, even when God seems distant at times, I have to keep in mind that He is ALWAYS there to comfort me throughout life. Every day is a new day, and I have to be willing to surrender everything. Turning over all my hopes, worries, and junk in general over to God, I became a success story for His glory, not my own. Because I know that Jesus Christ is my savior and he will live forever. Why try and do it myself and continue to fail, every step of the way? That's the definition of insanity, continuing to do something with the same results.

I knew all I needed to do was to “Let Go and Let God,” and He will take care of everything, even the hurts and pains I experience within this life. A dream of mine is becoming a teacher. I’ve always been eager to use knowledge as well as my personal experiences to help others who might be going through something similar to my situation. I’ve had a tough time during the beginning of high school, but I learned how to overcome struggles by leaning on God. “Letting go” of the pain that I had been carrying around, and giving it over to God to handle instead. This is my method of coping with my past. With God by my side, I can survive anything. Especially when you remember that there's a reason for everything, which is what I say about every aspect of my life. Even though I don't always know what the reason is yet. I know I will one day learn, and in the meantime I can help others through the experiences I have overcame. God allows circumstances to prepare me for what might present itself in the future.

Scarred and destroyedâ€¦.

User-Submitted — Sat, 29 Mar 2008 11:05:29 -0400

But perfect in Gods eyes.

It started a long time ago but not that long ago. When I was young my house was often filled yelling. My parents always yelled at us kids, my oldest brother, my older sister, my older brother and me. I couldn’t take the stress around the house to I started to stop eating.

When I was 7 almost 8 years old my oldest brother started to sexually abuse/rape & physically abuse me. About two months after I turned 8 I started cutting to release and forget every thing. It started as one or two cuts on my arms, but it slowly got worse. By the time my parents, oldest brother and I moved to AZ in 2003 I was cutting on my arms, legs, stomach and chest and averaged 20 to 30 cuts every time I cut.

About 4 or 5months after I moved to AZ I couldn’t take it any more and started to contemplate suicide. I continued to cut and became depressed if I didn’t cut to relive my emotions. At the end of 8th grade I finally told some one about being sexually abused/ raped by my brother. I talked to one city police then had to talk to another because I wasn’t in their jurisdiction. When I was at the second city’s police precinct I couldn’t tell them I lost my courage.

That night my dad flat out told me “I don’t believe you. Your brother would never do any thing like that. You’re just lying to get attention.” I ran out of the room and ended up being followed by the female police officer. She was trying to calm me down but in the process I was trying to get away and I hit her. After that they let go and my dad screamed it again. When I got home I went straight to my bedroom and went to bed. I stayed there all weekend, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday and barely ate any thing.

Over that summer child protective services (CPS) came to my house. There were two people from CPS one was a CPS Specialist and the other one was a child protective services unit supervisor. They were both qualified social workers and showed me their name badges or name tags. Rhonda gave her card, and then asked if my parents were home and when they would get home. They asked me to come outside to talk to them. The supervisor asked the questions and the specialist wrote down the answers. She asked questions like, were you going to the boys and girls club after school when the incident happened. Then the specialist gave me her card and said you can call me any time, you also call her anytime. The supervisor asked if there was any thing I wanted to tell them. I said no but she asked me again. They asked if I wanted to go with them right now. I said I can’t I have to wait for a friend to call; she calls about every other day so I know she is ok. She said “I don’t know what is going on with your friend but our goal is to make sure your safe.” If you want to tell us (or think of) anything else you can call us any time. Then they left. Then I went bike riding and I saw them a few times. At one point during the meeting they gave me some papers to give to my parents but I never gave them to my parents.

When I started 9th grade I met some great friends but one picked up my bad habit and started cutting. We began to cut together and she would show me every time she did. I tried to help her telling her that she didn’t need to I even tried to stop myself. In about that time I started attending a church with a few friends from school. In a matter of about a month one of the youth coaches connected closely with me. After about another month and a half that youth coach found out about my brother sexually abusing/ raping me. The leader told the girls pastor and I got tricked in to talking to them but it helped a bit.

About a month after that at our high school service the youth coach found out about my cutting she freaked out and immediately found the girls pastor and showed her my scarred arms. I was stuck talking to them for about and hour and they found out I had stopped cutting on my arms so no one would see it. They offered to help me stop if I wanted and they help me find alternatives. I accepted their offer but it didn’t really help all that much because I couldn’t replace my old habit because I didn’t think about the alternatives until to late.

Near the end of 9th grade I fell in to a deep depression and refused to eat and cut every chance I got. I attempted suicide 2 or 3 times but my 9th grade friend stopped me every time. My leader and the pastor really started to worry and threatened to tell my parents if I didn’t stop. So I stopped telling them but then gave in and told them and asked for help.

In 10th grade I decided to stop being friends with my 9th grade friend in hopes that it would help both of us. It was really rough at first but I found other friends. In October of 10th grade I couldn’t handle life any more and sent final good byes to my leaders and our high school girls’ pastor. But I sent them to early and the leaders read them before church that night and intercepted them. Two of the leaders came a got me at my house and took me to church they trapped me between them so I wouldn’t run. They kept me with them the whole night and then let me go home with the friend I usually went to church with when I got home my parents dragged me to the hospital per if they didn’t my girls youth pastor wouldn’t let me go home and would have took it in to her own hands. She would take me herself and call CPS on them.

At the hospital I got a mental evaluation and was put inpatient. I was inpatient for about a week lied my way out. Then let out and had to go to an intensive outpatient program I stopped taking my meds almost immediately after I got out of the hospital. Less than a week of being out my intensive outpatient therapist found out I was off my meds and sent me back inpatient. I was in for about another week and then back out to intensive outpatient therapy.

I went back to church after that, my leaders and girls youth pastor became my accountability partners. I have slipped up but they are always there and have helped me. I’m not cured and will always feel the need to cut at time but I have the support and strength not to. I have fallen back in to cutting again but am working to get back to where I was.

“I can do anything through Christ who gives me strength” Philippians 4:13

“By HIS stripes i am healed”