Relationships - HeartSupport.com

diserment or leting go.

User-Submitted — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:30:44 -0500

I spent almost two years with a girl. recently admitted she had cheated and is moving on. its been a month and because of the soul knots I made with her I simply have not been able to move on. Ive cried out for help turned to anything to numb the thoughts of what happened. her current "boyfriend" has been tormenting me with words I cant repeat. and Im left with no answers. I have never been in such a hole, Ive had some people pray for me. But this has been a tail spin with very dim light at the end of this tunnel. I can blame myself for all of this, and hopefluuy one day God can bring glory out of this. I was hooked up with a non/week believer. (out of Mormonism) I gave her more than just every spoiling possession but all of myself. Things I cant take back that I was pulling my hair out to point her to Jesus and Love the whole time. For anyone out there dating someone thats not sold out for Jesus first let this be a lesson to run. I did everything and still continue to pray for her to accept salvation if she hasnt. but you cant be someones savior. not only being rejected but left with unanswered questions. Its been a such a struggle to walk on and shut that door. I hold to much forgiveness and hope for her and she simply doesn't want anything to do with it. more than anything I need to restore my vision and future hope. and take captive the tormenting thoughts. I wish my burden upon no one else. and this has really leveled me being disobedient even for a greater cause.

Our path is set. Our love is tested.

User-Submitted — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:30:06 -0500

I've fallen hard. Good and bad. i lost my self and slowly drifted from where im suppose to be headed. Lost for eleven years God brings an angel into my life but where I can't reach her. I love her with all my heart and I know God brought her to me to bring me back to his grace. Everytime i speak to her i feel closer to my Father. Where miles apart and sometimes can't speak. Temptation hits me hard. The enemy knows loneliness is my weakness. Iv been alone my whole life. I just need strength for living and for my future and to stay on the path. If this makes any sense id appreciate any words of wisdom.

Giving Affection

User-Submitted — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 01:46:27 -0500

Is it weird that I long to call a girl beautiful, say I love you, and it not be awkward?It seems like such a weird thing to want, but I’ve really wanted be able to give affection rather than receive. I don’t know the word, but I’ve realized how important it is for me to make sure others are happy. Putting myself before others. I’ve been told that’s a bad thing, but I can’t understand why. To be honest, I hate being selfish and showing my affection is a way for me to put others before me.

God has put me in such an emotion hurricane this past couple months, and hopefully it will calm down soon haha. There’s a girl I’ve been falling for for the past two-three months and God is now revealing to me that I NEED to tell her. Before I was nervous because I didn’t want to tell her, but now I HAVE to tell her, but I physically can’t. It’s something I’ve been praying about extensively and NOW that I have the answers I can’t wait to tell her. God I’m foolish for not knowing earlier. You’ve put these emotions in me for a reason and you’ve kept them inside of me for a reason. I just wish I knew before so I didn’t have to wait a month to tell her how I feel.

There’s only good that can come out of doing God’s will and knowing THIS is what God wants me to do I can only anticipate what’s going to happen.

Emotional Roller Coaster

User-Submitted — Sat, 17 Dec 2011 15:49:15 -0500

I hate rollercoasters as they are, but emotional rollercoasters are even worse. I want of you not of me Lord. It's becoming overwhelming to not have my heart lead me in a direction and not know where you want me to go. I can't help, but like this specific girl and wish she was the one you wanted me to be with. I've been praying extensively about a relationship between her and I.

I pray to you, God, that if she isn't the one, that I would not think of my emotions towards her and let it be of something from me. Am I letting my heart choose? I pray to you, God, to have me forget about these feelings if they aren't of you.

Is these reoccurring feelings from you then Lord? Is this your way of telling me she IS the one? It's hard for me to forget about her. When I'm with her I'm FILLED with such joy. I don't expect anything from her. Being in her presence makes me happy. I'm stubborn. Man is stubborn. I'm foolish. Man is naturally foolish. I myself wouldn't know of what is of me and not of you and what is of you is not of me. It is as if I need a clear epiphany from you. A slap to the face, if you will. I really don't know how many more times I could ask for a sign from you. Please Lord.

I pray for knowledge. I pray for wisdom. I pray to know.

But the question is do you want me to know. Man is naturally curious and it's hard for me to try and continue when I don't know. Is this a test of faith? Well I'm trusting in you Lord, but you know my heart and you know I haven't completely let go of myself. I want YOU to lead me. I want YOU to take me where YOU want me. I want YOU Lord. You.

Finding My Companion

User-Submitted — Fri, 02 Dec 2011 15:23:14 -0500

This has been something on my mind for the past week and was hoping if I posted this anywhere else besides Tumblr here would be a good spot to share.

Ever since I’ve come to college I’ve been thinking “maybe God has the girl of my dreams” or “my future wife could be here”, but it’s probably not the case. This is really a lot for me to talk about because me talking about love is really delving into my being. It’s something very VERY personal that the two followers I have is lucky to even read. To get back on topic, I’ve been really thinking about this lately because I see attractive, pretty, and cute girls all over campus every single day. It’s hard for me to think to myself otherwise because it’s that kind of companionship I’ve been wanting as far as I can remember and it’s a reminder of how hard for me it would be to approach my future spouse. It’s even harder for me to picture myself with a cute or adorable girl because I’m not an attractive person. Now looks isn’t important to me. Of course it’s the insides that count, but how could you not think the girl you love and adore is not cute. :) I’ve been longing for someone I can hold and comfort physically and be comforted in return.

I then come to realize something. God is going to find my companion. It’s hard for me to come to this conclusion because my exposure, if you will, to attractive females throughout college. Before someone says something, these aren’t lustful thoughts. I merely see a girl and think she’s pretty (if this is lustful then I apologize because I did not know this.) But I have to remember to remind myself that God gives companions. For Adam it was Eve for Abraham it was Sarah, etc. This is a reminder for not just me, but for whom will read this post. God has someone for you.

P.S. This is my first post on Heart Support let alone a blog so I would love some constructive criticism

Seeking His Will

User-Submitted — Sat, 05 Nov 2011 19:22:51 -0400

At a young age of just 13, I saw so many older kids falling in and out of relationships. I made a purpose in my heart with God to be different. When I fell in love, I wanted it to be a rare thing and something special; something that people look at and say "There different than the rest."
I would pray every night saying, "Jesus, if the person you want me to be with is out there right now, I pray that you would put them with me in my life and make it known to me."
Every day, I would wake up and wonder if today would be the day. I finally ended up talking to a girl at my school who had been there the whole time, but I had never engaged in conversation with her. We became best friends. We told each other everything! It was the first time in my life that I'd ever had someone like that in my life.
I ended up talking to God about something different each night and would pray, "Dear Jesus, if she is the right girl for me, I want you to show me. If I am suppose to be with her, I pray that you put me in a relationship with her within the next 3 months."
Even to me, it seemed kind of silly to pray such a thing but I didn't want to end up in a bunch of different relationships like I have seen so many times before.
As the months went on, I wondered if she would be the right person. It wasn't until the last night of those 3 months, on Independence Day, that she ended up saying, "Ya know? You still haven't asked me out yet." I got the biggest smile on my face in that moment and thanked God.
It has been 4 and a half years since then, and we are still the best of friends. No matter what conflict we go through, I know that it is the will of God that we are suppose to be together.
Knowing God's will and sustaining God's will are two very different things. When you are trying to stay in the will of God, trials and tribulation will be hurtled at you constantly. No relationship is perfect. There will be arguments and things said that aren't meant but faith has to be a regular action in our lives. I know who I am suppose to spend the rest of my life with but there is no way on earth that a relationship will prosper in your own strength.
You will fall into sin, ask for forgiveness, and repeat the cycle but it's always about trying to maintain a consistency of going back to Christ and realizing your faults and accepting the fact that you need to be forgiven.

I Really don't know who i am.

User-Submitted — Tue, 01 Nov 2011 00:42:23 -0400

This story is very simple but very hard for me to comprehend. I dont understand why i am the way i am. It started when i was young, didn't lose my parents but they were never there since i was 6. My mother didn't do it on purpose, but im not sure about my father. Now, my mother went into a coma while i was in my 2nd year of school. I had a friend that i loved. But of course you don't tell your 2nd grade bestfriend that you like em! It just makes it awkward haha. Anyways, we did everything together. She held a part in me my mom once did. She was so special too me, and we remained trustworthy until i turned 13. For my 13 birthday i went to my home country and due to some paper work that wasnt accepted i had to stay an extra month with my family that lives there. My so called friends got me porn, and a hooker for my birthday. I had already begun an interest in woman sexually when i was very young... I just dont know why i have this need for sexual desires. I never mean for it, it just has power over me. So, me and Jesenia(my bf) got together in middle school, after that summer of my birthday. I came back ruined, tainted with the truth behind my desires. 2 months into our relationship my eyes got attached to another girls chest and with a little encouragement from the opposing forces i ended up leaving her for this other womans body. I didnt think bad of it back then, but now that im wiser it kills me inside. She was a potential soul mate. After her, i have never been trustworthy to any of my girlfriends. I've slept with way too many people to even trust myself with anyone. All i ever think about is the womans body, all i ever want is to please it. I hate it because i've become a tool, everyone wants to use me. The sad part is i continue to let myself be used, no matter what the consequence. I hurt so many hearts in this life time. So god, who am i? Why can't i be a normal person? Why can't i just love, and have faith in another. Believe in another human being so i can finally be at peace. I dont know why my impulses get the best of me. I need guidance Jake. I don't know what to do. Because i've done it again, a new relationship, same old games. Im done hurting people, but its hard to leave her. She is my influence for all the drugs, alcohol and sex i have. Honestly, i would be happy without any of the three listed above. But i fear ive lost myself in myself.. Dont know if that makes sense, but please help :/ i dont know where else to turn. i Feel this world would be better off without another burden.

Perfect love

User-Submitted — Sun, 11 Sep 2011 23:00:18 -0400

Even though my world around me is crashing down,God is still there for me comferting me filling me with his peace love and joy.
The girl i loved so much broke up with me for my bestfriend there not together but thier "bestfriends" ,and there almost always together and are closer.
I met her from him and they where talking for a while but nothing serious or commited after he tod her that he didnt want to be with her or that nothing was going to come out of that,i waited a little while,maybe not long enough,but i asked him for permission to start talking to her.so he gave me approval and we hit it off eventually we got together and i knew she loved me through her actions and her telling me,i fell in love with her hard i care about her and love her more than she can really comprehend,i thought i was doing everything right honering God in our relationship,respecting her,and treating her like a princess, (which is what she said).I went on a mission trip to Nicaragua and when i got back she tells me that my bestfriend has been telling her how much he loved her and misses her.btw going to Nicargua made me realize how much i loved her,i started having dreams with her and i of the future and spending time together.So i started getting mad and jelous at him because,theyve always stayed good friends,but the jelousy issue got to much for our relationship to handle so we took a break to get on track with God.But they just got closer and she broke my heart telling me she loved him and not me anymore.even though she couldnt really make up her mind because she has feelings for both of us.As of right now no ones togother with anyone all though there still close,but me and her are up and down.I feel like she is the one God has for me because of the dreams and other reasons,and even though the circumstances are against me i know that if it is Gods will for us to be together things will change and work out,I feel God has been telling me to be patient because he wants to do a work in both our hearts.And thats why i give it to God,and right now im just following the path hes set for me.Im just putting all my focus on him trying to persue him wholeheartedly.Its not easy i feel like i lost my brother my bestfriend and the girl i love,but i know that Gods plan and purpose for my life is more important ,and that by putting it in his hands he will work it all out for me,please keep me in your prayers its hard alot of times.ive learned that if you praise God through good and bad times he fills you with love,peace, and joy,and i know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,and according to his purpose.

Sexual Struggles

User-Submitted — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 01:39:52 -0400

I'm a guy who has been raised in the church all my life. I was always taught that sex before marriage was wrong and I never thought that I would ever struggle with it. I started dating a girl who was recently a new christian at the time, and we both agreed that we weren't going to do anything sexual in our relationship.
About 6 months into the relationship though, things started to slowly start happening. We both tried to fight it to no avail, and it just escalated. Our relationships with Christ started deteriorating. Now we are 15 months into our relationship and we have done just about everything but have any form of sex. We have sought help from our youth pastor and other adult couples, but have seen almost no improvement. Both of us want to stop and get our lives back on track and have a better relationship with Christ, but in the moment it is extremely difficult to control.

I would very much appreciate prayer and feedback if you have any. This is one of the hardest things I have ever struggled with.

My fault

User-Submitted — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 17:28:21 -0400

So my ex-girlfriend and I were completely inseparable our first year as a couple. We started dating the month before our senior year of high school and after about 3 months I knew I was in love and so was she. I was so sure she was the one. She had the biggest heart and most caring personality in the world. We left for college though and that's when the problems started I coped with missing her by becoming distant and she coped the opposite way by trying to be in contact all the time. The problems started and after about halfway through sophomore year of college I couldn't take it anymore. The thought was planted in my mind of maybe taking a break. So from then on I was even more distant, finally after a lot of fighting we did break up in the middle of June. So it's early august now and I realize that I can't live without her anymore, she's the one and I need her so i try to start talking to her again to find out that she says she wants space now and to just be friends. She says she wants to see what's on her horizon and not be in a relationship. I have trouble believing that she doesn't have any feelings left but I'm scared. Ive broken down crying to her a couple times over the past few weeks to get almost nothing out of her. I'm scared and I want her back so badly. I've been listening to august burns red and praying a lot lately and two lyrics stand out. "optimism is not a choice it's a belief" and "don't turn your back on the strongest cruch you've ever had" these 2 stand out because no matter how much I hurt I know that everything will turn out okay no matter what happens because god had a plan for everyone.

Unknown Ending

User-Submitted — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 03:24:59 -0400

I fell head over for this girl...when I've never allowed myself to do so before. I fell in love with her 3 year old daughter and think of her as my own child. She got pregnant and the elation of being a father was a feeling like nothing I've experienced and through that my love for her grew. Yesterday, a day before the ultrasound, she tells me that regardless of how I feel or what I say; she's decided to abort the child...my child. Then she broke up with me. I've never been the most faithful. Idk if this is a test..but I'm failing miserably. And I can't even put into words how I feel right now.

Unknown Ending

User-Submitted — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 03:24:59 -0400

Unknown Ending

User-Submitted — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 03:24:58 -0400

My Best Friend

User-Submitted — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 03:21:14 -0400

So there's this girl that I've been talking to pretty much everyday for the last year. She's my best friend. She means so much to me and I would do anything for her. The worst part is, I want to be more than friends and she doesn't. We have so much in common, we trust each other a lot, probably more than we trust our own family. She makes me really happy, but sad at the same time. It's really hard to be best friends with someone you have such strong feelings for. I've tried talking to her about it. I've tried talking to other people about it. Nothing helps me feel better about this.

Bring the Healing

User-Submitted — Fri, 05 Aug 2011 03:15:41 -0400

So, this past month, my life has changed the most it ever has. To sum it up short and sweet, the love of my life stopped liking me and started liking my best friend. It seems like one of those things that would never happen, but it did. Weeks went by that I physically could not eat, and I just withdrew from everything. Always thinking to myself, what is wrong with me? Why am I never good enough?
God, you have my full attention. And I’m sorry that it took this to realize it. My heart is still in recuperation, and I will never be the same again. I will never physically be able to be as close to them as I was, and that is something that is hard to deal with at this point. I feel as if my feelings were not taken into account at all in this situation, and that our friendships were definitely not as strong as they should have been.
But, it happened. And I have to deal with it. It’s hard looking at either of them the same, without questioning myself. But, I have to be strong. One day, I will be able to help someone else down the road with this same situation. God bless.

Born This Way

User-Submitted — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 14:04:24 -0400

I believed I was gay. My life was consumed in the nature of the homosexual lifestyle and I acted the part of being happy so well that I deserve an Academy Award for best Actor, Best Supporting Role, and Movie of the Year.

Everything was a lie and I wanted nothing but to live my life the way I wanted and to be happy. The constant drinking lead to alcoholism, the smoking became an addiction that has taken hundreds of dollars from my pocket and a long time to quit, and the sex became a need that I could never quench. I could usually be found at a club on Friday and Saturday nights, dancing, drinking, getting a little too touchy with strangers and never seeing my own bed the entire weekend.

I honestly can't tell you how many sexual partners I have had. I have wrecked marriages, I have been caught by children, I have been paid for sex, I have been given drugs and alcohol for sex. I was simply a whore and I was not ashamed of it. I was proud. I walked and strutted my stuff around my school campus and everyone knew I was sleeping around with strangers but, I didn't care.

I had everything in control.

I sought out empty relationships and I continuously sought after love in sex. I was a sex addict. I was love thirsty. "I was born this way."

It wasn't until I became so engrossed in my lifestyle that I flunked out of classes. Skipping classes for sex, for pornography, for hangovers, or because I was still too drunk to go. I flunked and because of that, I lost everything.

The job I was promised for the summer was taken away. The trip I was supposed to go on was taken from me and I had nowhere else to turn.

Broken, I turned to God and He healed my heart. I was at peace with the decisions of my professors who made the decisions to not hire me and not allow me on the trip. It was weird. I felt strange for being able to bounce back so quickly from what would destroy some people. I didn't break down, I didn't lose control of my emotions.

I turned to God.

In my willingness to turn to God, He has not only turned my life around but, He has healed me of my desires for other men. His Spirit has ministered to my heart and has completely changed my heart to desire Him above all things and He has done amazing works in me that I can't even begin to explain.

God took me out of the darkest time of my life to a life of purity, a life of endless love, a life of joy, of peace, of obedience. I am happier than ever and I pray everyday for the children and the wife that God has spoken to me about.

Getting the Wrong Idea

User-Submitted — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 14:00:39 -0400

I turned my life to God on November 9th 2010 at the age of 17. It felt like the darkness would finally be gone. I was under the impression that I would never hurt emotionally again because God had finally aligned my life not only back to Him, but to Her. Her name is Zoe, and she was my best friend. We first knew each other in 3rd grade, back at a charter school. But halfway through the year my parents split, my mom couldn't pay the bills by herself, and my brother threw a party that literally destroyed the house. There were holes in the walls, bottles and cans covered the floor, and somehow social services had been notified. So I was sent to live with my dad until they could figure someway to escape me being placed in a foster home. The first night out in Wisconsin I was at my Aunt's house because my father's new home was not yet ready for me. I cried myself to sleep in gutwrentching homesickness. But when I was finally asleep I dreamt of Zoe. And the next night, it was the same thing. And for so long she never left my thoughts. It was like I would never forget her... But when I got back we were forced to move thirty miles north to a smaller town. I was under the impression that I would never see her again, but that didn't stop the dreams.. And after a while I became intolerant and just wanted to forget. I wanted to forget how much I missed and needed her. I wanted to forget my parents splitting. I wanted to forget my sisters and brother getting blackout drunk every two nights... I had already had my first cigarette at age 9 or 10 due to catching my brother. He gave me a puff so I wouldn't tell on him. But now in this little town, I couldn't help but sneak one or two a day. And after a while I wanted to know what those drinks were that made my family look happy. I was exposed to all kinds of addictons at the earliest age. By the age of 13 I had already smoked Weed. I just wanted the dreams to stop. Zoe never left my mind for more than a few hours.. Little did I know, during 6th grade, she was dreaming about me, too... We were finally able to move back to our old city after a few years in the small town, but I wasn't ready to see Zoe again so I went to a different school. But I saw her one day at a pep rally, another day during a Football scrimmage against her school, and then again in 9th grade when her school was facing mine. After each time seeing her the days were torturous, wondering if my life would be full of agony forever. I cut my wrists in 8th grade, and attempted suicide in 9th.. But after nearly eight long years she found me on Facebook and we finally connected. I met her at a Country Music competition she was involved with. It had been the first time in years I had seen her, and she had grown so much. I remember thinking that this was finally it! She would never leave my grasp again.. And on November 9th. 2010, a rainy afternoon in Colorado.. I was being tormented by some being that was making me wanna kill myself again. I was sure it was some kind of demon. I contacted Zoe and we met at a Starbucks and she showed me God. She told me everything I needed to know, gave me a bible, and I accepted Him into my heart. We prayed, and then talked for nearly three hours. That Friday I experienced immense dizziness and panic from a condition I did not yet know I had. My sinus was full of puss and it made me dizzy all of the time. I still suffer from slight anxiety in movie theaters and crowded places. But eventually Zoe was able to bring me to her church, and despite the constant feeling of blood rushing into my head I heard the word of God every Sunday and recieved it with joy and greatfulness.. But when the time came, and we knew what was causing the dizziness we found that I needed surgery to remove the puss and break my nose into place. (Apparently it was crooked) So just before I went into the room to be prepped for surgery I sent one last text, and it was to Zoe. "I'm going in now. Hope I make it out safely... I love you" And after three minutes she said, "Chris, I don't love you, but you will do fine." From there I knew that I had royally messed up. Once I recovered from surgery and was able to attend church without much anxiety Zoe slowly pushed away from me, and eventually stopped coming to Youth Group altogether. She blocked me on Facebook and would not answer my texts. After a few months I got her to answer me and she admitted that she was distancing herself because I was being too clingy and I didn't make Male friends fast enough. I admitted that I was being a little dependant on her, but said that it was because I loved her. I just didn't know that I needed to realize she did not feel the same way. Looking back now I do not regret telling her. It would have been worse for me emotionally to keep it all in. The only thing I regret is pusing the woman I love away from her own church. That place was her home, and the people there miss her so much. Every day I go I feel like I'm insulting them and Her. But I've realized that in a way I was "worshiping" Zoe more than God. She was an Idol of this world for me, and she was keeping me from God. I wish that things could have been different between us, but I made my choices and she made hers. God still talks to me everyday if I dream about her or think of her or see her in some way. It will take a lot of time to forget about the woman I fell in love with, but I know that God has such bigger plans for me and I'm so excited to watch Him work in my life. God is great!

Relationship not Religion

User-Submitted — Tue, 26 Jul 2011 21:57:17 -0400

July 24th, 2011

today was a big day for me. Cory Hruska, my best friend, brother in christ, and my best man at my wedding one day, is a member of the Jesus Christ church of Latter Day Saints. I met him when I was 15 years old and we haven't stop being best friends since then. His family kind of took me under their wing and treated me like one of their own, regardless of my beliefs, past, appearance, or lifestyle. Cory and I happened to share the same musical interest, and actually wrote a few songs together, and jammed all the time. He gave his farewell speech today to go on his mission to Cordoba, Argentina as a missionary of God. This family let me stay with them during his "setting apart" ( as a missionary ) which is a family only event. Their comfort and welcoming me into their family brought tears of joy to my eyes, along with the tears of sadness of how bad I will miss him.

During his farewell speech, at the end of it, he read the lyrics to "Salt and Light" and tied it into his speech of serving the Lord and opening peoples eyes to the Lord. (Show our eyes true color) It was a complete surprise to me, and he dedicated those lyrics he read to me out loud in front of the hundreds of friends and family there today. It has been and will be a tremendous experience for me to know his family and everything they have done for me. I see this family as further proof that Jesus is real, and such a huge part of my life.

When I came home after saying bye to my friend today, I was feeling pretty empty inside. I had a feeling of sadness, and a bit of anger. I clicked the YourLife ministry website bookmark I have just to browse, and saw that it says "It's not about religion, it's about relationship." That right there sums up this entire story and pretty much my whole life. I am not sure in what religion or faith I believe, I simply just believe in my faith in Jesus Christ. You are the first person I wanted to tell this to, because you are doing so much for me. HeartSupport, YourLife, August Burns Red, all of the your presence in my life is unmatched. You are doing more than you can imagine, and I feel as if I owe my story to you. Please forward this to anyone who you feel deserves credit, because stories deserve to be heard by the people who inspire those to write them.

God Bless - Joseph Jaber

Love vs. Lust

User-Submitted — Fri, 15 Jul 2011 00:34:33 -0400

I don't know where it started, or even when it happens. I was brought up with incredible parents, who were always working hard at making me and my brother's life easiest as possible and no life experiences that would effected that. I had a huge desire to become a musician, not for the fan base, but because music is my life. I was in a band, and it's where all the negativity came in. I had a bad relationship with a girl, she would flirt with other guys and I would write other girls flirtatiously and sexually, even her best friend. Then when we broke up, the drugs happened. I was doing coke, horse tranquilizers and others. We were about to get signed by a label from NYC but, a band member quit and the label thought we were too "unstable". Once that happened, the band broke up. I got heavier into drugs and alcohol, until I went on what was supposed to be a partying trip with friends but instead met this girl. She wasn't like every other girl I met or talked to, I knew I wanted her from the minute I met her. She didn't drink or do drugs, she was ambitious and had a strong belief in God. We lived 4,000 miles apart, and even though everyone told us it was impossible, we wanted to be together. She helped me grow a relationship with God, even shared her life stories with me. She didn't have this 'perfect' life that I had, but had gone through some of the heaviest things, yet she was more positive and level headed than I was. I quit drinking and doing drugs, she made me want to become a better person and I couldn't stand but being that beside her. We handled the long distance the best we could, but I started going back to my old ways again. I seemed to be able to stay away from drugs and alcohol but I was talking to other girls flirtatiously and sexually when she would go to sleep, and then by the time she woke up, I wouldn't even remember why I did it. She didn't fight with me, or make me feel the need to... I just did. I decided after she had caught a conversation I was having with another girl, I needed to be near her to help me. I wanted to move with her for 4 months to sort myself out, and make sure I didn't do anything but I had to wait a month till I could. She amazingly trusted me even after finding out I was being flirtatious, and for some reason, I lied again to her. No idea why. I started talking to a girl from work, flirtatiously and sexually, and the girl of course thought I meant I was interested in her. How could you not if someones giving you all the signals? I wasn't though. She was nothing like my girlfriend, and all I wanted was my girlfriend. Just whenever my girlfriend wouldn't be awake or able to talk, I would go to other girls. I even told the girl I worked with that my girlfriend was controlling and mean when she's the nicest and calmed girl I've ever met. I moved and lived with my girlfriend for 4 months, and even then couldn't fight the temptations. She would leave for college, and I'd text the other girl. She even caught a few flirtatious texts from that girl, and I would get the girl to say she sent the text to the wrong person. I was addicted to lust. My girlfriend ended up moving back with me for 6 months so she could help me with my life, and grow ambition to do what would make me happy because I've been depressed since I started all the negativity in the band. She was helping me, every day, and I still texted the girl behind her back and would see the girl at work. My girlfriend found out one night when a text came through and I defensively tried to hide it, but she already saw and knew. She was heartbroken. She was ready to move home, but I convinced her I was able to change. Even though I already didn't know why I did what I did, I knew I wanted to change. I moved in with her almost a year ago, and I was struggling with my depression. I tried to not get involved with Lust, so I avoided talking to any girls in general. I could tell my girlfriend struggled with the situation that happened but she still trusted me enough to let me hang out with guy friends and live my life. But, I still got mad at her. A lot. About sex? She had dealt with a situation when she was younger that effected her so if she had flashbacks, she wouldn't want to have sex for days. I would actually get mad at her for it... I would ask her constantly why she wasn't sexually interested in me, even though I already knew why she wasn't there mentally. She struggled constantly. I just didn't know how to make it better. I grew up with a normal life without any dramatic issues, I didn't know how to handle one like that. She ended up breaking up with me in December because someone else had been helping her with the issue. She said that she didn't want to do what I did to her. I had to move out, and ever since then have been falling heavier and heavier into a depression. She finally decided she wanted to give it another go, but to work at just fixing our relationship. The thing is, I don't know how. I quit having lust with other girls, but how can I help my girlfriend with her issue? How can I stop myself from getting mad when she doesn't want to have sex? She wants to work on our relationship with God as a couple, how can we do that? What are some couple things we can do to get stronger? I'm worried I've mixed lust and love up, and forget which and which. I'm in college and graduating in a year now because of my girlfriend, she's helping me with my entire life. How can I make myself get out of this depression? Thank you for reading.

Relationships: I got pretty good at looking it up.

User-Submitted — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 12:24:27 -0400

I've always grown up in the same church with the same church family and friends. I've always been a Christian and followed God, but that doesn't mean I haven't had my struggles.
The biggest struggle I have ever faced was my attempted suicide. I don't remember the actual date, but I do remember it was in the late summer of 2007. My mom had gone to bed, my brother went to his friends house for the night, and my dad was out of the country on business per usual. The only thing I could find was a long orange extension cord, so I grabbed that and took it outside to the little deck area outside of our porch. I wrapped it around on the top of it and took a chair down below and tried hanging myself. As soon as I stood up on it and put it around my neck the only thing I could hear in my head were the words to "Redemption", and I couldn't go through with it. Those lyrics kept repeating in my head and I couldn't get them out, so I got down, went back inside and went in my room to bed. I'd been a huge fan of ABR ever since my friend showed me Thrill Seeker, but that night made my appreciation for them grow so much more.
Why did this happen? Growing up I never really had any true friends in school. I was never very fond of my father because, being the youngest of three boys, I always felt that I was never good enough at what I did, as I never really measured up to my older brothers. I still remember almost every occasion when he'd get really mad at me for my school work and it not being good enough, and the many nights that I would have to stay up late with him fixing things I did wrong. Amidst all of this, I felt very alone because I was always the odd one out in my group of friends. I was always the one not invited to things. I would be out with my parents at dinner, and then I would see my group of "friends" eating together, and would feel very sad and alone because I wasn't invited. It really hurt me. It wasn't until my second semester at college three years ago that I attained real friends who actually ended up caring about me and inviting me to hang out and asking what I wanted to do. And since then, I have made some of the best friends I could have ever wished for and hoped that I had during high school. God has blessed me so much with the friends I have now, compared to the friends I had then. These friends push me to be better and care about me in ways I've never been cared for.
The biggest thing other than my attempt at suicide however, was pornography. I got into it when i was twelve or thirteen, and maintained a steady addiction for about 6 years, got out of it for a little while, then got back into it for some time again. I got pretty "good" at looking it up on our computer, my dad could be at the kitchen counter a mere 5-6 feet away looking the other direction and I could be on the computer committing a crime against God at the same time. I remember the night it stopped, I was at my cousin's house on Easter Sunday and was watching something when all of a sudden I heard and felt a voice in my head just say "What are you doing? Why are you doing this? You're not getting anything out of it" and it was like God had just smacked me across the head and I just stopped what I was doing. In the midst of it all I just shut my computer and left it alone. That was April 12, 2009. But, I went home from college a month later, and there were no restrictions on the internet there, and a few months in I felt the desire and urge for it nagging at me again. And as human as I am, I gave in. I felt terrible afterwards, but that didn't help me when I was in the middle of doing it. I kept at it and it's been a struggle ever since, but it is a battle I am doing pretty well at winning nowadays. I know it will always be something I struggle with, but I am getting stronger and building my defenses up against it.
The best day of my life was June 23, 2009. It was the second day of Comic-Con in San Diego and also the second time I went to see ABR live. After the show I went to talk to Jake and tell him my story, if there was anyone who I wanted to share it with, it was with him. The first thing I remember is security yelling at us that we had to leave and Jake told him to calm down and that he would walk me out so we could talk. I was so nervous, I had never really told anyone everything before this, and telling the person who was responsible for changing your life gave me goosebumps like I'd never felt before. I went into my story, my life, and what happened, and I'll always remember what he said to me: "Don't give me the credit for what God is doing in your life through our music." It was then that I knew I had found my inspiration, my role model, and a friend. We talked for around twenty minutes and I left for my hotel and the next few days of the convention being a very, very happy person after that.
Every time I see Jake now, it's like we've been friends for years. He always recognizes me and treats me with so much respect and asks how I'm doing, it really makes me appreciate him so much more. I look forward to every ABR show we have next, I look forward to every time I'll get the chance to see Jake again. Warped tour will be my ninth time seeing ABR, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. The five hour drives to Lancaster for the Christmas shows and the DVD shoot are always worth every second, and I look forward to theme very year.
I've had a lot of struggles after that, most significantly this past Feb-April when my best friend/first true love and I officially called it quits and she started dating somebody else rather quickly out of our relationship, but, she's young, a freshman, and still has a lot of growing up and maturing to do, because I remember where I was at that age. Turning on ABR always puts me in a better mood, always helps me relax, and always gives me the strength and courage to push through and strive to be a better person and child of God. Whenever I hear Redemption, I use it as a prayer. Tears were flowing from my eyes when they played it on the AP tour, and seeing that twice in two weeks was two of the best experiences of my life. Worshiping the way I love to worship, with the people I look up to the most, in the midst of the crowd, is my favorite thing to do.
That was a little more than you were asking for I think in your tweets, but I thought I'd go into it a lot more. Now you know a lot more about me. I really look forward to the next time I get to see you guys, it is always the best parts to my day and I remember every time we've talked.

Your friend and brother in Christ,

I need help

User-Submitted — Thu, 12 May 2011 15:10:02 -0400

I started to masturbating when i was around 8 . When i was , around 10 I stopped , and never did it again , untill i was 13, i guess . When I was 14 , i became a christian , and in the same year i was addicted to masturbating and just couldn't stop . It was controling my life , and taking me away from God . I use to pray a lot about this . And then Jesus set me free . But this year , I started again , to watch porn , and masturbate . The thing is that , i feel the desire , but i don't want to do it . But still , its stronger than me , i really don't wanna do it , and I hear God's voice speaking to me , but nevertheless , i masturbate . I don't know what to do . Can i ever stop doing this , like forever ? and not after a few years comming back ? Please help , pray . Cause i see satan is trying to destroy me , cause he knows God will do great things with me .

I love her... but I was a monster.

User-Submitted — Sat, 27 Nov 2010 18:57:08 -0500

I love her. But I can't imagine myself being with her in an intimate way - even just kissing her, while I'm keeping things secret from her; while I'm burdened by my past.

I did some pretty stupid shit in my teens (who didn't, but still). Among other, probably more common perversities, I jerked off to things one shouldn't ever jerk off to: Furries; worse - Fursuits; worse - Sparkledogs (google it, if you must); worse - "real life sparkledogs", meaning dogs with their fur dyed a crazy colour. I wish I knew what I was thinking, but I guess that's just it, I wasn't thinking at all. I could try to explain and justify my arousal, but I really don't want to. I'm sickened to the core with the memory, especially because it wasn't just a one-time accident. Oh, how I wish it would've been.
Eventually, I thankfully realized just how horribly wrong it was. I've stopped jerking off to that stuff for, I think, almost two years now. In prayer, I have felt a sense of redemption and forgiveness, but I still feel it's something that I'd have to talk about with someone before entering a more intimate relationship.

I'm not free of masturbation overall, but I've managed to cut it down to around once a week; usually just to relieve stress rather than out of habit.

But again; I want to tell her about those things in my past, but I know it's too early in our relationship. She wouldn't want to talk to me anymore, and I wouldn't expect any other reaction. But I feel if I wait until a stage where I think that she could possibly, just possibly find it in her heart to forgive me, I'd be cheating her. I don't want to break her heart, and have her find out she'd been in love with a monster.

I wish I could just erase my teen years and start them over again.

Poison

User-Submitted — Fri, 15 Oct 2010 12:16:50 -0400

It seems like such a stereotypical title, I know - but it's the only real way to describe the way it feels.
The shame, the embarrassment, the need to make it go away and the want to take it all back. The feeling of the need to cut myself open and bleed the poison out of me.

Pornography.
I don't even know how to describe how it started besides I was escaping the stress of losing a family member and bombing in school simultaneously, trying to keep away the depression fighting to make a comeback. It disgusts me and yet I found myself viewing it almost daily. Some people say it's because I was abused when I was nothing but a 6 year old girl, some people say it's the Eve curse.

I say it's an addiction, partly caused by loneliness, party caused by the evil in this world that fights me as I try to dedicate my career life as well as my daily life to God.

It's ironic. So much so I feel nauseous thinking about it. At the same time I escaped the secular education system and entered bible college, I became addicted.

And now, I'm letting God open me up; bleed that poison out, and wash the mud off me as I can do nothing but sit, cry, and let Him work.

Me-In a nutshell

User-Submitted — Sat, 02 Oct 2010 15:55:16 -0400

You can call "B" for short.

But I struggle with cyber sex and viewing porn. I've broken peoples trust and few so nasty. I can't seem to forgive myself for all the people i've sinned against a wronged. I heard through the grapevine, that I am not a very "dateable" person, that no girl should date a person like me. I am starting to believe that that's true. Even though I know it to be a lie from a dark enemy that is Satan. I tried to kill myself months ago because of all of this, I'm on medication and in therapy. But I can't seem to shake this guilt. The words "your not Dateable" keep playing like a song on repeat. I don't know how this will end for me.

raped- where was God to protect?

User-Submitted — Tue, 14 Sep 2010 14:38:28 -0400

New Years Eve 8 years ago at my friend's house I was raped by someone's older brother. (I never met till that night) He was home on leave from the army.
We were the "good" kids on campus... you had to turn in your keys if you had a drink & if you were underage & wanted to drink you had to stay overnight and we somebody solber assigned to be the "hair holder" just incase. I only had two beers.
He (I hate using his name... it makes him human vs. a rapist) was flirting with me in the hot-tub. Everyone knew I had a boyfriend for about 2 years and this guy had no hope. But, I let him flirt with me. He wanted to make me a mix drink... I felt drunk after a few sipps so I went to bed. Andy knocked on "my" door and asked if 'Army guy' could crash on the floor because there wasn't anyother room for him to crash. Sure I thought... he can have the floor. All of the other rooms - beds- sofas and chairs & floors were taken.
With in minutes he said he was cold and crawled into bed with me. Annoyd with the situation I move to the floor with a pillow and blanket. He then joined me there. Tried kissing and feeling me. I asked him to stop and told him that I had a boyfriend. He kept try'n & I kept deflecting his rome'n hands. I thought that if I just let him kiss on me for a few minutes he'd be ok enough with that and stop. (that's as far my boyfriend & I would do because we wanted to makelove for our first time together on our wedding night)

...But he didn't stop. I could not stop him.

I was in disbelief about what was happening! I Knew how to protect myself- people where just across the hall - in the rooms next door - in the living room. I couldn't think about screaming. (nothing like the movies at all!) I felt like I was drowning!
He held both of my hand with only one of his. I kept thinking "the thumb is the weakest joint. break free. fight. work free by fighting against the thumb joint." Yes. A free hand. Push him off and out of me. He'd pin my hands back down with only one of his.
"fight. get his hand off. work free- push against the thumb joint. make him stop! One free hand again. get the other out!" kept running through my head. I pounded on him as hard as I could to get him to stop. It was like banging on a wall... no impact.
Now I'm held down by two of his hands - he forces his kiss on me. His teeth are skuzzy. 5o'clock shadow hurts. He's So Heavey I Can't Breath!
Focus on trying to get air in my lungs. I can't expand them! I Can't Get Air! Can't Break free anymore. Can't Breath. ... in and out

All my life

User-Submitted — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 09:50:58 -0400

I finally admitted something to a friend today that I needed to get off of my chest. There has never been a time in my life that I can't remember NOT masturbating. I did it even before I knew what it was.
Still even then I knew not to make it known to my parents.
Early on in grade school, someone had us come look at what someone had thrown into a garbage can. It was a dirty magazine, and the image is still burned into my mind as of this day. I remember finding some porn in my dad's drawer. I remember reading dirty parts of books over and over again. More recently it has been stories online.
I shared masturbation with my sister and cousin during the confusing teen years. I hate myself for it.
As a single woman, I felt okay spending hours working on myself, but as a married woman that was something I tried not to do. It only went well when things were going well.
Recently I have been touched by the testimonies of two people on staff at my church and how they are battling sexual/porn addiction.
And I am moved by their openness and honesty, which is why I confessed today. And I came home and installed the free accountability program, and found this site.
This is the deepest, darkest, dirtiest secret a woman, a married woman, in ministry can have. And I intend to beat it with the help of Jesus, friends, support groups, and lots of prayer. Please pray with me. Thank you.

My testimony as a hooker

User-Submitted — Tue, 27 Jul 2010 12:13:50 -0400

I was raised in church by both of my parents. I really didn't take advantage of being a child of god when I was younger. When I got in high school all I cared about was me and none else.
I was introduced to prostitution at the age of 17. At the time I was rebelling against god and didn't have anywhere to go. I would of went to my parents house but I did not want to live by there rules. At the age of 17 I had my first client. And after that I was addicted to getting fast money the wrong way. At 18 I had my first pimp. I liked the idea of being protected and always having a man to protect me and getting whatever I wanted. Sin always has a season. After that season was over I felt trapped. I had been exposed to things that I never thought I'd be exposed to. I'd been raped, beaten, kidnapped, and have had knives held to my throat. I was using drugs all the time. One day I thought to myself how did I get here? The day after that I had been beaten by my pimp really badly. I sat there in my hotel room and said god please get me out of this. And right at that time one of my clients came into my hotel room and saw what happened to me. He left and called the police. The police just asked If I wanted to make a report but I said no. I went outside to make a phone call at a payphone and a women had stopped and saw my face. She knew me from the last church my family had gone to. She told me to get in the car and took me home.

It's been a year since then and god really had his hand on me. Now I live for god and I'm in a ministry for women who've been in the adult entertainment industry and on the streets prostituting.

The Truth

User-Submitted — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 15:17:41 -0400

I feel very disillusioned today… I found out that someone very close to me is struggling with porn. I found this out by accidentally opening his history on his computer. I did not mean to, but there it was. Now it is like a white elephant in the room with me. I understand porn, but only from my point of view, which is very limited. I wish that I could speak to him about it, but it is too scary for me to think of because you see this person is my Dad. He is still my hero, but in a moment of accident, which has God hand all over it, I found out his dirty secret.
My dirty little secret. You see this is an issue that I have been struggling with since I was 14/15. It has been going on for so long that at this point I cannot even tell you when it started. What a sad fact of my life at this point. I am only 21, turning 22 in a week, and I cannot tell you when my battle began.
It started one day when I was searching my mother’s closet. I was a really bratty kid that liked to look at all of the things that a person had. My mom’s closet has a secret room, which I was not to know about, but the realtor opened it when I was near by. On this day when everyone else from my family was going I went in and looked around. I was looking in a crest that was in there and I found some VHS tapes. Being the nosy kid I was I wanted to play them to see what was on them. They were porn tapes of my parents.
That is how it happened. From there little by little I become more and more interested in sex and the feelings and thoughts that the videos gave me a glimpse into. Let’s face it sex is an enjoyable thing that most people LOVE to do and think about. I was no different even at 14 or 15. I do not think that anyone is.
From these tapes I started to branch out. I found websites after websites of free porn. I was slowly becoming addicted it. When and if I was able to I was watching porn. It started to affect more things that you would think. My relationships were changing little by little. I was growing more and more upset at myself that I took it out on my family. On myself.
My mind began to change how it viewed the world. Since your perception becomes your reality over time. My perception changed became perverted and even years later stayed that way and in some became worst. Sex was no longer just an idea that I had, but I could see what it was about. Scenes would fill my mind with no room for anything else. From this I wanted it. In anyway I could get it.
I seduced my sister. There are only a few things that I regret in my life. This is number one on the list. This perverted action was not hard because she had walked in on my watching porn and she had become addicted to it also. All because of me.
In case you did not know I am a girl, so we fooled around and experienced some things. Never going to far aka having an orgasm, but we did play around a lot. This is the abomination that keeps my up at night. I messed my sister pretty bad and for a long time afterwards she was very angry with me. I was angry at myself and in some ways I still am.
I am to protect her, not lead her into a trap: one that destroys so easily. A trap that distorts your reality. If you are addicted to anything you know what I mean.
I am a porn addict and I want to stop. I do not want my kids to follow this path that I am on. I do not want anyone on this path. I, in this respect, do not want to follow in my Dad's foot steps.
Back to my dad: I knew from my sister, who had told our parents her struggle, that he had had a issue with porn in the past. I did not realize that it was still an issue. I wish that this gave me hope that maybe one day this parasite on my soul would be put to rest, instead I was given a dose of reality. My hero has a flaw. This made me sit back and think of all the flaws that humanity has, myself included.
Hopefully one day there will be less flaws in me… after all I am a work in progress.

How did this happen???

User-Submitted — Mon, 05 Jul 2010 11:56:28 -0400

Long story here it goes;
4th grade i had a friend. He got me started watching porn. After that we started dry humping eachother. Friend moved away and not much happened. then a different friend that had moved away came to visit in the summer orf 6th grade. I felt very curious and so did he so we started trying various sexual acts out. After a weekend of blowjobs and others he went away and i was left confused. I stopped watching porn and was "clean" for a while. Then the big puberty hit and i discovered the beauty of masturbation. I had a great time but i soon realized that i was fantasizing about guys instead of girls. I would look at a shirtless guy at the pool or beach and crave to have him with me. Then i started looking at gay porn in 8th grade. Downward spiral from there until i went to camp up at Hume Lake in California after sophomore year. I had tried to tell someone my story before but had never gotten the courage to tell the whole thing. Up at camp i got the courage and told this story. I am now actively fighting offmy urges to fantasize about guys and masturbate altogether. My counselors at camp gave me courage and helped me see that i could past this and that i am not gay which was haunting me for while. They said that when sin gets a foothold it can manifest itself in strange ways that are contrary to your personality. I am empowered by them and would love to talk to peoople who have advice for me or who are going through a similar situation.

But I am a GIRL!

User-Submitted — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 11:46:16 -0400

I didn't realize it at the time, but I knew it was wrong. I might have been five or six. Me and my best friend, the pastors daughter, would play "house" or "hotel" and every time we would "pretend" to be a couple on their honeymoon, or just a fling. But at such a young age how did we think to do all that wrong stuff?
It all stopped when I was around the age of eight. i was stronger then. After going to Kids Camp, God told me to let that stuff go. So I did. When I was thirteen I started going online to play games at this girls only site when I found a forum where girls would share stories on it. That is when i got my first glimpse at online porn. I was quickly addicted to reading these stories for hours a day, while my parents thought I was just playing games. I even submitted some of my own. Once again I made myself stop. I promised God I would never go on that site again.
But through the years I still thought about it. It was always in the back of my mind. Every time I was alone on a computer i would convince myself not to look for more stories like those. My senior year of HS I got into a series of books. I was obsessed, and I enjoyed going on fanpages online. One of which contained alternate universe of the characters. It was dirty, but I was hooked. I am still hooked to this day, a year in a half later.
I want to stop. I want to not be enslaved by this. However, I do not want to disgrace my family. I don't want my friends disgusted in me. I am afraid every single one of them will judge me. I need accountability, but I am afraid to ask for it. I feel dirty, ugly, sick, and hypocritical. I know God will love me unconditionally, but i am nothing but dust. No. I am worse than that. I want to make God proud. I do not want to be enslaved any longer.

horrified

User-Submitted — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 13:42:40 -0400

I'm writing this because I need to get it off my chest.
I'm 21, married, and about to become a father. I'm also a recovering porn addict. I've been clean for 2 years now through the help of my loving wife and my Lord Jesus Christ. In about 1 month, I will be the proud father of a little baby girl. It absolutely petrifies me to think that my sins of the past could affect my precious daughter's life. I know in my heart that God has saved me from the perversion and sexual sin that I once was so embroiled in. I know in my heart that I would never do anything to hurt my little girl, but I am so scared that what has happened to me might happen to her. My wife is also a victim of sexual and emotional abuse and I can't bear to think that anything of the sort would happen to my other precious girl. I've talked with her about it and we've promised each other to protect her, but I'm still so scared. I don't want my little girl to have to deal with my mistakes. Please, pray for a man who wants his family to have the best life possible in spite of what he's done.

Grace for me is all I need

User-Submitted — Tue, 15 Jun 2010 10:20:10 -0400

The first time I ever saw pornography I was eight years old. My friend Katy and I were going through all of my brothers movies and saw a few that had naked girls on the front. We joked about it and were really curious. I revisited them and my addiction started there. At first I just blamed it on my curiosity but then I realized that if was more than that. I was lustful and distracted and felt dirty. My mother found some of my porn in my room but she didn't say anything. She just took it from me and gave it back to my brother. At the time I was relieved...but now I wish she would have said something.

My addiction became even more of a problem when I started going to church. I became a christian but I was still lustful and watching porn a few times a week. I was only a teenager but felt used and dirty like an old woman. I became very serious in my relationship with God and I have realized that ministry is my calling and I hope to work with churches and organizations. I am now a young adult and I have been in and out of my addiction. I have tried working with different organizations and even have accountability partners, but I need something more.

When I am away from society and my computer I don't have urges or lust. I have grace and God and I could care less about porn or the cheap feeling it gives me...but I live in the world and I just need someone to help me so I can live in this world and make it better.

I just believe that grace for me is all I need.

sexaul abuse

User-Submitted — Mon, 14 Jun 2010 16:38:17 -0400

I was mentally and sexaully abused at a young age by one of my family member and a family friend. As i got older i don't have anyone to turn to but porn magazines and videos so thats what I did.Then I got married after one year after I gradguade high school. Thought that after marrage I wouldn't have anything to worry about but I was wrong it got wast but i don't since we was not live like christian i don't think about it.After me and my wife got baptized it became a problem an now its more of a problem than ever the fight is ever hard.With God on my side the battle is still there but i'm not alone.

deliverance

User-Submitted — Thu, 10 Jun 2010 11:50:22 -0400

It all started when I was 13 years old. I saw my first porn picture by accident on the internet. I had grown up in a christian home, so I knew what I was looking at was wrong. People who say that porn isn't harmful have never had to deal with the true nature of it before. It eroded my life like a cancer. It started with just sneaking a few glances every now and then, to using ALL of my spare time to watch porn.
Nothing else was as important as getting that fix, even though the pleasure lasted but a few minutes. It when on that way for 6-7 years and it affected every part of my life. I started using language I'd never used before. I had my first sexual encounter before marraige because of the pornographic thoughts that were always in my head. There was no break from the sexual images on my mind and in my heart. It caused me to break the trust of the one person I loved most dearly.
I thought that God hated me and I started to spiral into deep depression. I hated myself more every day because of the things I'd seen and done. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror because of how disgusted I was with what I had become.

Then someone told me about a book called " He Came to Set the Captives Free". The book is the true story about a woman's delivery from witchcraft. I read it and its two sequels and God started to work in my heart. I began to see myself as someone who God loved enough to deliver from sin. I asked God to cleanse my heart and mind from all the things I'd seen and done and to forgive me for sinning against him.

I have now been porn free for 2 years. It's definitly a daily struggle to resist those temptations and urges that Satan afficlts me with, but calling on my Lord Jesus Christ and asking Him to help control my mind and heart delivers me from it every day,

I know alot of you out there have the same problems and I know how you can get help. Ask Jesus to be your saviour if He isn't already. And if He is, Then truely give your life over to Him. Let Him control your heart and mind, and you'll find that the burden gets easier to bear. It will still be hard, but trusting in God is the only true way to beat this.

I just can't get over it...

User-Submitted — Mon, 17 May 2010 09:48:43 -0400

I sit in a room, whether alone or not, my iPod in my hands and an evil desire in my heart... I have sturuggled for 4 years to get away from my now 10 year problem. I have accountability software and for moths ata time the desires seem to dissappear only to return with a vengence a week or so later. I don't know what to do. I have told a few close friends about the addiction but they don't know the mahr details. I'm in counseling at my college but I don't trust him enough to bring it up just yet... I know what i should do but I don't know how to begin... Does anyone have any pointers? Maybe someone who has been where I am and is on the other side? Porn is my weakness, Satans foothold, and I want it out of my life forever!! Please help...

Looking Back On My Life

User-Submitted — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 13:15:57 -0400

How i wish i could turn back time.
About 2 1/2 years ago i struggled with depression badly and i was dragging on day to day. For about a year and a half i was depressed and I felt i wouldn't live for much longer. Well i met a boy at my school and he seemed acsepting of my chubby body and i knew he wasnt the best crowd but i didnt care any more. I figured i was going to kill myself soon anyways. Well i went one day wial i was out of school to his house. Well...There i lost it all i wanted was to feel loved for once. I wish i had seen the future. I went through a large ordeal and got in to therepy. After that i cryed for weeks on what i had done. Then more once i became involved in church. Learning about the Lord made my life meaningful and inportant.
Then I was acsepted in to a big magnet school. I was gaining hope and happyness in life. Many friends at my side and the lord watching over my head. It the end of freshman year i met the most amazing man. It has been a year sence i fell in love with him. Our annaversary is like a whole other baptisum. I was lost and then saved. I am in true love and everyday is a blessing. Him and I have not had sex and we plan to wait till marrage and he knows all my past and fualts and depression.Never think you are alone and will never be loved. Dont make my first mistake and be able to give that special somthing to your husband. Its amazing to be in love.
The only reason why i tell my story is so that other girls out there that feel like life is pointless dont feel that way. Things get better with time i promise. If you want to e-mail me do at AngelWolfDemon28@yahoo.com
Love Is Out There Go Out There And Get It!

Recovering Victim

User-Submitted — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 18:46:08 -0400

I wrote a very disturbing story on this website Decmber 29th 2008. I had written that story about my math teacher who had been molesting me. After six months my mom had found out. He was arrested and I was sent to a treatment facility. He was free for about 6 months. On October 27th he was sentenced to 18-25 years in state prison. I was so happy. I havent self harmed in a long time and I am now feeling great about myself. I no longer live in his shadow or constantly think about him. I am my own person now and he doesnt own any part of me. I know that I can and will get my life together. Basically if there is anyone out there who has had something like this happen well I understand. It took me a long time to get out of the "loyalty" stage and into the "anger" part. If that is happeneing right now please think about it. He doesnt love you at all. He loves your vulnerability. He loves the control he has over you. He loves knowing you cant live without him. He loves the excitment of not getting caught. You think that maybe he loves you, and he is controlling because its just how a man shows his love. Wlel its not. I know that it might feel good...so so good for a little while but think. How does it make you feel after you leave him. You feel so very sad. you feel like you have never felt before you are so depressed and you want him even more. Well guess what, thats what he wants. He tricked and manipulated you to make you come back.. Please dont let him hurt you anymore. You are worth so much more than what he or other people say. It took me a long time to be able to say that and I dont want anyone to go through what I am. So if thats you out there...then think.

she needs help.

User-Submitted — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 09:07:52 -0500

My younger sister was raped this past school year. She is a freshman and I am a junior. She was raped by a guy in my grade. Although this happened in November, my family and I have just now discovered the truth in January. It breaks my heart to see her so upset. She wants to handle it by herself, but she can't. My mom has even been through the same thing, but my sister won't let her help. I know she wants to be strong, but she can't get through this by herself. She was even friends and did make out with the guy before he raped her. He also hit her. I just don't know how to help her, because this is sending my family through great distress and depression. I know that it will take time for her to heal, but she won't even start out the right way. She believes that everyone at school hates her, which isn't true. She's popular, and only the popular kids hate her. She needs to make new friends but isn't giving anyone else a chance. I don't want her to switch schools, because this is not her fault. I feel like I can help fix this by talking to the guy who raped her, but I don't want her to get mad at me. I don't know what to do. But I know that she needs help.

I just need to know someone is listening...

User-Submitted — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 19:36:30 -0500

I just need to get this all out...
At fourteen i had been completely innocent. I had been sheltered as the youth ministers daughter and thats what everyone expected of me. perfection. I thought all the sexual abuse stories were not like they seemed and i thought tha it would never happen to me... but boy was i wrong...
Fall of my junior year... my best friend (who was actually my ex) and i were hanging out like any other day. But as we were watching TV he started kissing me. i hadn't kissed him in over a year so i shoved him away. But that didn't stop him. before long he had my top off and was in my pants. But before he actually had sex with me he all of the sudden stopped. Long story short it took me a few days to realize what had happened. Maybe even a month or so. But then i realized he had molseted me. It spiraled me into a depression that i still struggle with today, even on medication. But i eventually learned to move on.
This past fall of Senior year...
I started dating a guy this summer. He was sweet at first and i ended up really liking him. He would try and do things with me and at first it didnt seem "too bad" to me so i let it go. that was a big mistake. He started trying to do more but i told him he had to stop or it was over. But it didn't stop him. SO i told him i was going to end things and he said he would kill himself. and I care too much about people and i know i could never live with the guilt i would feel if he ever did that. i honestly didn't wanna lose him at the time. so i continued to put up with the molestion for a few months... i would get upset, he would apologize, i would forgive him, he'd do it again. It happened over and over and over again. at LEAST oncr a week...
One day we were going to a friend's halloweeen party... but... he had me in his car... and that night he raped me. i had never had sex before. and it hurt so bad but he didn't even seem to care. The more i fought him off the more abusive he got. i had bruises all over my chest, stomach, arms, back, and upper legs, and thighs... After that he told me to go to the party with him... so he held my arm as we drove there... He pulled over a few times and did it again and again... he did it three more times before we even got to the party... and another time on the way home.... That was the night i decided i needed to break up with him.
i told a close adult friend that i wanted to break up with him but he said he would kill himself. they didn't know what happened but they helped me keep the guy away from me... but he still tries to talk to me sometimes and he almost stalks me. and he also goes to my church which makes everything so much harder...
i just want to know that someone is listening... i feel like i have been crying out for help but no one will even care enough to listen... I have a friend now who i finally told what happened... but they dont know how to help me because they dont understand at all...
But please... if you read this... please just leave a comment... i need help getting rid of the memories... and i feel like i'm worthless... i don't know what to do anymore...

Lessons Learned...

User-Submitted — Fri, 22 Jan 2010 20:51:42 -0500

I'm not writing to specifically encourage or offer advice. I want to share the deeper reasons of what led me to self-injury. Once I understood the roots it became easier for me to stop. I only hope that this gives others insight into their own actions.

Cutting is interesting. Actually, all self-injury activities are interesting. They are a realm of sickness that I could not have begun to understand until I had pursued them myself. Even though I won't claim that my experience mirrors that of everyone I believe there are probably important commonalities. I was intensely hurting on the inside; every non-physical part of who I am felt ripped to shreds. But physically I was fine. There was an incongruence. Causing myself physical pain seemed to restore some sense of balance, however false and temporarily. It made me feel like a whole person again and not some being split between two unconnected parts. It also provided some visible symbol of my internal wounds, even if only a token symbol. An accurate representation of how I felt inside would have been closer to a sucking chest wound and not the mere scratches on my arm or bruising on my hands, but it was something. I have not committed an act of self-harm for quite a while. I still have those impulses. I still, just for half a second, believe the lie that I will feel better, that it will bring some relief. It's still a very real temptation, only one that I no longer surrender before. But my experiences in wrestling with these temptations helped shape two important thoughts regarding the role emotions play in our lives.

One, we were created to act as an integrated whole. We are not our bodies, but we are also not merely our souls. We are physical and spiritual in the same way that Jesus was both fully God and fully man. To deny one of these qualities is to reject who He claims to be; to deny either is to deny His identity. We as humans are at once both spiritual and physical and to deny one is to be no longer human. Our bodies distinguish us from angels and our souls distinguish us from animals. We are unique in all creation, each of us a nexus between two worlds. Our souls may be the greater of what makes us human, our souls may sometimes be able to rise above the sufferings of our bodies, but the body is not able to rise above the sufferings of the soul. When our souls are in turmoil our bodies suffer either automatically or by choice (self-injury), sometimes both. Self-injury is a terribly sick act, but I understand it because I've done it. It pulls the body down to join the soul in its suffering, thereby restoring some sense of integration between the two. That activity becomes an addiction when someone associates the soothing feelings of physical and spiritual integration with self-injury and comes to believe that it is the only way these feelings can be achieved. Like all addictions, it eventually becomes necessary to self-injure just to feel normal.

Two, we say we believe in a soul but usually don't think of it as a real thing. The soul is not a metaphor for consciousness or feelings; it is not merely a way to conceptualize immaterial products of our physical brain. The soul is real. Our thoughts, our emotions, our joys, our grief, our sympathies, our sentiments, our wills all flow from a source that is not physical, but being nonphysical does not make it, well, immaterial or less real. Someone with a broken heart is just as in need of healing as someone with coronary heart disease, but do we think about ourselves and others that way? I have seen miraculous physical healings through prayer, literally the blind being given sight. But is it less of a miracle to be healed of grief, or shame, or anger? When someone is suffering from a physical malady, it is visible and verifiable. But when someone is suffering from a malady of the soul, he is alone in his knowledge of his pain. He can try to describe it, he can try to help others understand, but he is his own and only witness. So when the physical sufferer is prayed over and remains unhealed it is clearly seen and accepted as God's will, but if the spiritual sufferer remains unhealed it is assumed that he is impeding God's will. Do we assume God's healing of the soul more than His healing of the body? Do we assume God's healing of the soul more than we should? If we suffer a catastrophic physical injury that leaves us maimed and scarred, we must learn to accept it and learn how to pursue the best life possible despite it. Do we have the same patience with catastrophic spiritual injuries that leave our souls maimed and scarred? We rarely have that kind of patience for others, but how much do we really even have that patience for ourselves? I suffered a catastrophic spiritual injury. It has left me maimed and scarred. But I do not have patience for these consequences. I pursued self-injury in order to validate invisible suffering, but also out of self-hatred for the grief I continue to feel every day. Other people's actions deeply, deeply injured my soul but I hated myself for the injuries.

jay
http://sexualchivalry.wordpress.com/