Depression - HeartSupport.com

For anyone who has been in the dark.. you can make it out into the light

User-Submitted — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 13:32:16 -0500

I know how much people on Heart Support have been struggling with personal problems so I wanted to take this time to tell my story and let people know that, problems are apart of life and you can prevail through the darkness.

My life began in June of 1992. My mother gave birth to twins, my sister and I. We were each others best friends. We wore the same outfits and had a very special connection. This all changed on the night of June 17, 1994. On our way home from Toys R Us, a drunk driver did not stop at a stop sign and smashed into our car. The damage was terrible. I do not remember the accident because I was 1 years old and suffered a concussion from it. My mother, brother, and myself escaped from the accident. However, my beautiful twin sister did not. God came calling for a special angel on June 18th and carried my sister to the heavens where her spirit is there always looking over me. If this story can make people think twice about getting into a car under the influence, it could save your life or someone elses life.

This unfortunate story only continued on as I grew up. I grew up a normal life after my sisters death even though it has been extremely difficult. The accident tore my parents hearts. They never were the same after her death. Around the time I was starting high school they announced to my two adopted sisters and my brother that they were getting a seperation. I didn't know how to feel knowing that my parents would not be living together anymore. Depression really came full force into my life around this point. I didn't know how to cope with the situation and became very sad. A divorce became official two years later which lead to me moving out of the house I grew up in. The whole process tore me apart inside. It killed to see my parents apart when I wanted them both together again. My thoughts of depression soon worsened. Sometimes I would just think, is life even worth living anymore? If I left would this bring my parents back together again? It was a constant battle with these thoughts in high school. I was in a very dark place and seemed like there was no way out. Then there came a point where I wanted nothing to do with my life, I wanted to end it. I wanted to be with my sister again in the heavens. One night, I got into a huge argument with my mother which sent me over the edge. The only thing that crossed my mind that night was that "I'm going to take my life, I cannot be here anymore." I reached the limit of darkness in my life and thought there was no way of ever getting out of it. I didn't even care what my friends and family would have thought if I took my own life I was that depressed. That night, I built a make shift noose and decided that I was going to hang myself. I hung the noose up, put my head through it and said goodbye world. I was hanging there for a few seconds when the noose broke. I fell down and starting crying my eyes out. Then I was overcome with this feeling that I was not meant to leave this world so soon. I had a full life ahead of myself. I vowed from that point on to never try an attempt on my life again. I became closer with God and my friends were a big reason I got through that rough point in my life. I stayed positive from that point on and went on and graduated high school that year while knowing that my sister was with me in spirit when I received that diploma.

My life has continued to wonderful since I came out of the darkness. I moved to Florida to enjoy the beautiful weather and work on my college degree in hopes of becoming a teacher one day so I can make an impact on children's lives and futures. I write this today because I have went through so many struggles in my life and am 100% sure that anyone who is reading this can prevail too. Surround yourself with great friends and God. I do not think I would have been here today if it was not for my awesome friends. God has been there the entire time and I am so blessed to have him in my life. Take care everyone and God Bless!

Thank you so much Jake, Matt and everyone who has put this website together. It really is an amazing thing you have done!

Rise or Die Trying

User-Submitted — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 17:23:36 -0500

At some points you find that one thing to help pull yourself up above and beyond your struggles. I myself have found this many of times….but every time it seems to escape me the next time. As a 21 year old I have attempted to end my life atleast 5 times to which I seem to overcome my feelings quickly to only have my pain sweep back in a couple of months. The thing is how much I love everything around me to only have escape in those moments of weakness. I have attended free counseling before and I have taken some over the counter random things which seem to hold up only for a few weeks. The worst part is the fact that it happened once again a week ago, when it successfully overdosed on sleeping pills. While the fact that I was able to hide it the next day from everyone of my classmates, coworkers, and my friends baffles me because my body was completely numb. God was there in the beginning but my faith has faltered every time to the point where I’m not sure what I believe anymore. I found alcohol when I came to the university I now attend and have passed out cutting my wrists (as recent as last year).
The most resounding problem is the fact that I am not a person who is isolated, far from it. In fact I am in one of the largest organizations at this university. One of the deans knows me by first name, I have risen over thousands of dollars for charity at events I have organized and advertised. I am a popular person on campus but I feel like it was the same as it was before: The one guy that everyone knows but without my friends. The closest thing I can find now is Metal to helping this. I can’t even count how many times “Composure”-ABR has played and helped me put in perspective the feelings.
If anyone takes the time to respond to this feel free to shoot me an email at Iriseordietrying@yahoo.com . I don’t need to hear the fact that ‘hey you need help’ I continuously seek it out (I won’t be dropping outta school to be doing it or to afford it so I refuse to go beyond free sessions).
What I hope to accomplish by posting this story? All I hope is that if God is still there that he hears this and makes an appearance in my life. I refuse to search for answers at the bottom of bottles and feel as though my drunkenness only accelerates the feelings I suppress. My goal out of college is to be able to teach in a high school and help students who experience depression.
Shoot me emails let me know your story that is similar or even your support. I officially want to move beyond this. I want to fight, I want to overcome, I want to reclaim my life.

You were given this life, because you are strong enough to live it.

User-Submitted — Sun, 11 Dec 2011 17:55:08 -0500

Depression, to most people who don't know about it would say this is something mental people go through. People who are not normal, who have "issues." Honestly in my opinion these people who say these things have no idea what they are talking about.
My story started when I was eleven years old. I didn't live in the nicest of towns, fights and gangs took place there. I was only in seventh grade and I already saw kids my age drinking alcohol at lunch and sniffing cocaine up their noses. I didn't understand what was going on. I thought that I would be stuck here forever and never have a way out. I thought because everyone at my school was doing this I would eventually start doing it too. At school I would always pretend like I was ok and to my parents as well. They had no idea the pain I felt in my heart. I went through so much. I didn't feel i belonged in this world. I thought my only option was failure. I cried every single night at home. Right after school I'd go to my bathroom, just sit on those tile floors and cry. Cry until my eyes dried out. I tried everyday to be happy and positive but I was just always let down. I lost confidence in myself. I saw fights every day. Guys physically hitting girls in front of my eyes and no one would stop them. Why did no one stop them?
This went on for a year, then it was a new year and I thought it would be a new beginning. Turns out it wasn't everything was the same and I still felt like shit. I began cutting myself, and thinking of suicidal thoughts. It was hard, really hard. My mom and dad finally realized what was happening at my school and they began house hunting. They were ready for us to move and find a new home and live in a better environment.
As a couple months went by and my pain was getting worse. They finally found us a new home. Our house is beautiful. I thought moving would make things better, I thought I'd be happier and more excited. I was but that didn't last for long. I still mourned every night crying and crying.
I had my own room this time and my own bathroom so it was even harder for my parents to notice. Plus, my dad was working harder and so was my mom since our taxes and bills were higher then our old home. I still cut myself on my wrists and thought the things I thought, only it was even worse. I had plans to kill myself on a certain day and at this time exactly. But something always stopped me. I think it was hope. I think I still had that one ounce of faith in myself that I'd someday get out of this mess and maybe one day I wouldn't feel like this. As high school came around being a freshmen was really scary and being the "new kid" was even more frightening. I had friends but I hadn't known them since kindergarten like everyone else did. Going through depression I felt negativity surrounding me. The atmosphere in my mind was always bad and cynical. I never felt like myself. I lost who I was as a person. In some ways I thought I had no purpose in life. I thought I was a mistake. My life felt like a lie, I felt like a lie because I was. No one knew who I was or what I wanted in life. Family parties were always tough because I had to put on a face like nothing was wrong with me.
As months went by and summer came along I gained more friends but I was lying to them and myself. I always told myself I was ok when I wasn't at all. Finally one day my parents saw what was happening, my dad mainly. He realized something was happening to me and he asked me if I was depressed but I didn't know I was until that day when he asked me. I kept crying in front of him and I responded with "I don't know dad." And I saw his eyes, I think his heart sank because he knew I wasn't ok. He got me help but for some reason my mom never believed I was really going through this. She always denied. She still does but I know someday maybe she'll see what I mean.
I got a therapist who helped me so much. I found myself and slowly got better. Now I'm a sophomore in high school and I feel much, MUCH better about myself. I still struggle everyday but we all have to get up everyday and look forward to something.
I was on the internet a few months back and I saw this quote it stated, "You were given this life, because you are strong enough to live it." And that day was when I told myself to get up and be as strong as you can be. I have meltdowns but then again doesn't everyone? Now I focus on things an actual teenager should focus on. Me, boys, school, grades, girl drama, and just having fun. :)

I have this dream, to sing and act when I grow up. I want to play a character in a movie. Live and learn the perspective of a different persons life. Inspirational movies would be something I'd like to be a part of. I also want to share my story to people who might have gone through something like this. I want them to all know that you are here for a reason. And maybe someday you will figure out what exactly that reason is. And to who ever reads this, don't ever give up on your dreams because you are capable of getting there. Whether it be to become an astronaut, you build a rocket and fly to outer space! Or to be a race car driver, speed is all you need. Life is about dreaming big and going for them because no one wants to live the rest of their life saying "What if?" Do you? I know I don't.

My Problem with Pain

User-Submitted — Sun, 27 Nov 2011 01:36:55 -0500

My story is simply that of personal pain. On a universal scale, my pain measures up to the of a fish in the sea, but I need to express myself and find comfort in some medium.

I have liked a girl for around five years and time after time I was told that the feelings were mutual and that my chance would be given. This girl has some skeletons in the closet but what drew me to her was the shared insecurities and the understanding of each other we've had since day one. I didn't care about the guys she had chosen to date or the things that she struggles with in the world. To me that was all a past that I would help her erase.

This last week, I found that she and my best friend since grade school are more or less committed to each other. This has happened to me in the past so I figured I could handle it. I have never been so wrong in my life.

The grief I feel is so strong that I can physically ill. I'm shaky and sleep deprived and can't stomach food.

I don't ask for your sympathy, I just simply ask for help.. guidance..anything. I've been delving in the bible for 3 days now looking for nothing in particular but comfort in the Lord seems so far lost. I guess that means I am lost.

How Long Could it Of Lasted?

User-Submitted — Fri, 11 Nov 2011 05:26:46 -0500

How Long Could It Of Lasted?

my story isnt much different from anyone elses that had dealt or is dealing with depression. but my story to connect with god, christ, anything of a higher power. is magicial and means alot. i owe it all to jake lurhs.

starting off in highschool, my life was fine, i had just gotten in, scared stepping through the big glass doors of the bricked building. entering a new home, a new place for the first time. but life started off fine, til the drama that follows highschool. in my grade 9 year. was a good time, i had started off strong, ready to learn and change. but, it wasnt, for the best. my life on october of my grade 9 year, was shit, i started doing drugs, and drinking, all the perks of high school,

i stopped drinking, but the drugs made me feel so good at the time. i went and spent every ten bucks i had on any type of drug. i would wonder and wake up why has it already gone so bad. then i met my first. she wasnt the one, but she had tried to commite suicide and blames it all on me, causeing me to go into depression. then bullying had started on me, all from my elemtry school years. it all caught up!

nothing but name calling anything to bring down a person and want them to die. after the summer had reached, i sat inside scared to walk my own towns streets. i would literally walk 5 minutes to the skatepark, and skate for about 3 minutes until someone had showed up, i didnt enjoy being around people other then my friends. grade ten rolls around, and bam instead of drugs this time it was drinking, and adult porn. it wasnt a pretty time, but every year i had gotten darker and darker. then i had finally met the girl i love, atleast thought i could love. she was all but great, minus the drinking, i had stopped drugs, and stopped drinking, and then she would use it all against me, she would drag me to parties, and make me get drunk. i started to feel shameful of myself, and nothing but guilt. i started to fall in love tho with this girl because she was everything i could see, i could be with. but then it turned down hill. she got jealous over my sister, my close friends. and i had to choose, i said im not choosing, then she went home, called me later that night and ended it. over the phone, i was in this depressed stated. talked to her the next day, and then tried to be friend but then we went back to secretly being together, best friend starts to date her, and she cheats on himw ith me, etc. now were here at mid grade 12. she threatens me, using all my weakness as her stregthns saying. you talk to me, we never talk again. so i brought her socks she had left over ealier in the week, and i turned around and pounded my friend in the face. it was a dark time.

nothing but regret in the cell, nothing but guilt. i felt so bad, handcuffed, and put in jail. this is nothing but sucking for me now, i wanted to kill myself in that cell, i took the blanket made a rope out of it, and tried to hang myself, they put me in a new cell with nothing but four blank grey walls. i was finally released. went home to nothing but memories, not able to say sorry to her or him, to this day i know i still love her, and want to make it all better for her, but 7 months of attempts of trying to commit suicide, pills, drugs, alcohol, cutting, starvation dehydration. i was finally able to talk about it with my counsoller. and to this day, i regret it all. i still love her and all but now that she is back in my life, she is causing more drama. im only 18 how long could it last? it has to end but she means alot. now that i have a new girlfriend i really care about, drinking free, drugs free. she wants back in my life, and is doing everything she can. she is starting rumors, she is harrasing this girl. the girl i am dating doestn deserve this. causing me to think depression time all over again. im ready to end it, but as i came to heart support.com. i viewed jake lurhs video his story, made me relize, hey, christ if your real, you show it to me now! you make me think your really there. and i had thought of everything i had battled with my soul, my arms, all the scars are nothing but stories. anyone asks, i tell, its a story im proud of today because of how far i have come. i found jesus, christ, and god, on november 3rd, 2011. and im only 18,

my life, is nothing but a battleground, nothing but a story, and finding who is the poppy flowers, and the peace, is the true war.

i am karl blake. i have endured nothing but pain, heartache, and depression and thoughts of suicide. no longer, no more, i am who i am today because of who i was yesterday, and who i am tomorrow is because of who i was today.

thank you god, and anyone who care relate to my story, i hope it can help you, i hope it can really have you think of a better life,

i love you jake, i love you god, christ, jesus, you are who i am today.!

Sincerely Karl.

PS: i care about my girlfriend more then anything, and if she ever reads this i hope she will see how she means to me. i want nothing more then her.

What I'm born with

User-Submitted — Thu, 27 Oct 2011 15:09:59 -0400

So I am adopted from Russia. I don't know who my parents were but when i turned 17, my adopted parents and I found out that I have Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder or FASD. This happens when a mother drinks during pregnancy. So i have many problems with self control. I have done drugs, stolen too many times to count, been kicked out of my parents house for staying out too late one too many times, spent ALL of my money, and hurt all that love me. last night I called The Hope Line and the woman I talked to said that I was doing great. I got my GED last summer which she said took tons of self control. I was seeking out help which also showed a bit of hope. So I was referred to this website. I am ready to get better and conquer my problems but i cannot do it alone.

There is never a dead end...

User-Submitted — Tue, 25 Oct 2011 00:00:12 -0400

For most of my life I was a happy person. I never let anything bring me down and everyone knew me as that happy kid. That all changed the summer after my junior year of high school.

My father was ill for about 6 years with endocarditis which is a heart condition. He was always depressed because he also had to be on oxygen 24/7 and his legs were horribly swollen. He was practically immobile. His depression and anger hit me hard and I suffered from anxiety.

I would lock myself in a room in my house and cry and shake and wonder what would become of me. My girlfriend at the time was such a sweetheart and helped me so much that summer. My anxiety got so bad, that I ended up going to a mental hospital for 10 days.

Once I got out on August 3, 2010, I felt great. The mental hospital really helped me and I was ready for my senior year of high school and getting into college.

However, my senior year was horrible. My Dad got worse and it affected my performance in school and I was always a good student, but my senior year was full of C's - F's and I was concerned I wasn't going to get into college.

I didn't apply to colleges until February, which to people who know, is REALLY late to apply to schools. I applied to state schools in Connecticut. I got into all 5 schools I got into and it was such a euphoric feeling. I ended up picking Southern Connecticut State University and am doing my best my freshman year right now. My grades are back to what they used to be and life seems pretty good.

Granted, I still have my bad days like everyone else, but college gives you a type of motivation that you can't get anywhere else. You want to pursue your chosen career and I want to be an english teacher and inspire students and help them.

Thank you all so much for reading my story. Like my title states, there is never a dead end!

God Bless

How God found me....

User-Submitted — Thu, 20 Oct 2011 21:29:22 -0400

For years i lived in sin, shame, remorse, and depression seeking God and looking for truth. I was desperate to find Him cause i knew that thats all that mattered in life and was afraid of wasting it away. I was a slave to this world and a slave to satan until one day a miracle happened. On July 22, 2011 after returning form a deep sea fishing trip with my friends i was getting ready to take a nap when i went to my brothers room and talked. Soon he started telling me whats happening in his life and i saw it as miracles from God and how God is in his favor. I was happy, very happy and i felt reconnected with him in a special way. Then I went in my own bed and wept and cried out to God like i had many times before. The most amazing thing happened to me that ever will. God reached down and touched me, He opened my eyes, He revealed so many things to me, he poured out His love on me, He forgave me my sins, he took my shame, remorse, pain, and depression away! The next day my spirit was so weak and I doubted. For the next few days i doubted, but God helped me believe. Some of the verses that helped me believe were: 'BELIEVE on the Lord Jesus Christ and you will be saved' 'If the Son shall make you free you shall be free indeed.' 'ask and it will be given you, seek and you will find, knock and it will be opened unto you' 'My grace is sufficient for you' These words hit me like a ton of bricks and i became a believer! Ever since that day the peace that i received is amazing and indescribable. I cry when i think of how God saved me and how much He loves me and how much i love Him. When God reached down and opened my eyes it became so CLEAR to me how deceived satan had had me! For years i had in my mind this image of what a christian is and how he acts and dresses etc etc. God showed me that its not about that but about Him and His Son, that on our own strength we can never be christians and are bound to fail, that without Him we are nothing!, without his grace we would burn, without His love we would die, without His Holy Sprit living in us we cannot walk in truth. without believing in His son we will not see Him, without faith and trust we can not overcome. These verses helped me see: 'there is a way that seems right unto a man but the end is death' 'for we live not under the law but under grace' 'Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not unto your own understanding' 'The heart is deceitful above all else' 'for we walk by faith and not by sight' I put my trust in God and in return he gave me peace. 'Thou will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Thee.' 'for My yoke is easy and my burden is light' Walking with God and having a relationship with Jesus is the most beautiful thing in the world. His spirit is living in me Im learning how to trust and how to have faith. God is still woking in my life and its exciting! He's answering prayers and blessing me a lot! Im so in love with Jesus for what he did for me and my greatest desire in my life is that God would receive glory in everything that i do and say and that i would walk in His truth and commandments.

Why Am I Still Here

User-Submitted — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 18:44:48 -0400

As a kid i struggled with anger and total non-stop depression at ten years old i tried to end my life but i failed. I never felt wanted. The depression and anger got worse over those next few years. I would start to fight a kid just because it was his first day at school or jus look at me wrong. My heart was filled with bitterness rage depression and sorrow. I tried to rid myself of the world by popping pills and women I tried suicide again it didn't work again. around this time i was 14 or 15. Ive always went to church my life but didnt care. This past 2 years i been going to church i was still depressed. "i thought why would a loving God make me suffer?" i kept going to church and this past summer i found myself in the World prayer center at a church in colorado i was just crying and crying to God. This random woman came to me and read me Psalm 25. my heart got completely destroyed. i came home and its like i ignored what God was telling me. got depressed again but it was different this time. before my i went back to school i was at my church almost daily just so i could feel safe and happy then a sunday my church pastor did an alter call and he said raise your hands if u want God as your savior. i was the only one that raised my hand. everyone just stared at me. i cried like a baby. i felt God fill my heart and rid my depression. i havent been depressed since. God showed me that our lives are worth so much more than we think and that we live of the world we become brainwashed and careless mindless sheep. he showed me why im still alive thats to reach out to the hurting angry depressed lost people that dont know him. He gave us all things were good at as a tool for us to show the love of Christ. That was my past and now this is my future i will never give up on God. if you were/are like me id love to hear your story because were not all different. thank you and God bless!

Why Am I Still Here

User-Submitted — Wed, 19 Oct 2011 18:44:45 -0400

What God has done for me.

User-Submitted — Wed, 12 Oct 2011 14:41:03 -0400

A lot of people can’t understand why I believe in something so strongly, why I live most of my life with faith. Everyone has their escape; drinking, drugs, partying, sex, money…I have God. Everyone can easily grab a beer or a joint, I just do things differently; I grab my phone, go into my memo pad and read bible verses. I was like most of my friends before. There was a time where I didn’t believe that a “God” existed, I just believed in nothing. Why you ask? Because I had lost hope.

I was always bullied as a kid; it was either because I dressed different, listened to different music, acted different, because I didn’t hang out with the “cool” kids and just because I was being me. During grade 7 and 8 was when depression really kicked in for me. I was pretty much taunted every day by these kids who just didn’t understand who I was, nor did they take the time to get to know who I was. So, as you can imagine, every day I went to school, I felt as if I was in a long nightmare that just wouldn’t stop. And that’s when I started believing God didn’t exist, because there was no one or nothing stopping the pain I went through.
When high school hit, things seemed so much different then before. I actually felt as if I fit in with everyone, and I didn’t feel so alone. I made friends, I always had plans on the weekend, and most importantly, I always had a smile on my face. Then grade 10 hit, and I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder with Agorophobia. And once that hit…I felt just like I hit rock bottom. I lost a relationship with someone to it, I lost a lot of my friends to it..my social life..I lost everything and I felt like all hope was lost. And when I thought things couldn’t feel or get any worse, my Grandfather passed away the next year, and that is when the depression came back and hit me so hard that I just didn’t feel like living anymore

My Grandpa was the one who was always there to remind me that things would be okay, that no matter what, there was always a brighter side to things. He was my best friend, and there’s no guide on what to do when you lose someone so close to you so, I did what I felt was right. I felt all my hope and faith in anything…gone, in a flash so, I turned to drinking, drugs and self harm in order to cope with how I felt. And I knew what felt right, wasn’t really right.

One day I was laying in my bed, and I just did not want to get up. I didn’t feel like I had a purpose to be up and outside in the world, but something told me to just sit up for even a moment. So, I sat up briefly and with enough strength in me I said “God, if you and Jesus really do exist, and really do care, please show me a sign that things will be okay because I don’t think I can make it. Please show me that you and your love do exist”. And I heard him say to me “Jess, you have nothing to worry about. I do love you and I will take care of you, but right now you need to get out of that bed and live your life like you were meant to do. I will take your depression away from you as long as you get out of that bed”.

I started to remember Isaiah 41:10 which says “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”, and I got out of that bed…and started to live. Let me just say, I’ve never seen change happen so fast before in my life and after months of frowning every day, I actually stood up and smiled.

Some of my friends do different things to cope with life. Me? I don’t drink anymore, I don’t do drugs, I don’t self harm…I just pray.

A lot of my friends tell me I look good and I look happy and they ask me how I did it and I always tell them “It wasn’t me who just helped myself, it was God”. God has really affected my life in so many ways that I could never turn my back on him. He has showed me love, and have showed me compassion, and showed me I can survive any struggles I hit, because HE will always be there with me.

I survived not just because I helped myself, but because God was there, and I haven’t looked back since.

This road has reached a dead end.

User-Submitted — Tue, 11 Oct 2011 04:20:18 -0400

Hey Jake,
when i had nowhere else to look, i found this site. Just wanna start this off by saying thank you for showing me the light. My life as a kid, was not much of anything. My mother moved to the states when i was 3 years old. I was born in El Salvador in the poor side. The day she left i felt my good grace slip away. I struggled to keep happy, to keep faith. Then it was my turn to come to the states, my mother and father were waiting with open arms and lots of love. But that was soon to change when they split a year later and my mom got a boyfriend. A year later when i was six she discovered she was pregnant. Coming November of 2000 my lil sister was born, and my mother was taken. She fell into a coma, and has been in it since. For 3 years, i was not able to see her without breaking down. I felt completely alone, no one understood me so i became anti social. The more these negative thoughts controlled my mind, the more negative energy i was pulsating. My personality, my own lively hood went down hill. I became a distorted reflection of my own self. I became a pervert introduced to pornography at a young age. By my 13th birthday i had lost my virginity. By far its the worst mistake i have ever made. Like you, Jake, i turned to woman, drugs, alcohol to feel something. Love. But i looked for it in the wrong places, and ruined lives of many in the process. I've cut, i've tried crack, drink till you pass out. i thought by becoming someone people wanted was the way to be respected or remembered. All i turned out to be was just a one night stand. And so did a lot of woman. Their broken hearts, their tears, their words of hatred still haunt me. I believe these hauntings have manifested in me to become the ugly being i am today. I have a pornography addiction, masturbation problem, drug problem. Im a compulsive liar, i hate it but i can't seem to stop it. I was gonna move across the country just to escape this reality. I wanted to find my actual calling, the actual reason god put me on this world for. Music has always been a part of my life, but lately its become my life. I can't feel without it, i can't think without it, i can positively express myself through the beat of the music. Your band, ABR, have inspired me, kept my backbone strong and most importantly shown me a light. A light that does not dim on anyone, no matter how much wrong you've done. This light protects me at night when when im alone, it gives me love when im depressed. God is that light. He rescued me from the suicidal thoughts, the suicidal actions i was having. He gave me love, happiness, That smile you mentioned that hardly went away. i have that smile every time i talk to our lord, our father. Now that i think about my life in the picture i want painted for it, i see happiness. The thing my life has been missing to have meaning. For i to give it meaning. I thank you Jake, Matt, JB, Brent, and Dustin. You've truly shown me the way. i love you all, and god bless.

Survival.

User-Submitted — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 13:36:08 -0400

I was always bullied as a kid; it was either because I dressed different, listened to different music, acted different, because I didn't hang out with the "cool" kids and just because I was being me.

During grade 7 and 8 was when depression really kicked in for me. I was pretty much taunted every day by these kids who just didn't understand who I was, nor did they take the time to get to know who I was. So, as you can imagine, every day I went to school, I felt as if I was in a long nightmare that just wouldn't stop. And that's when I started believing God didn't exist, because there was no one or nothing stopping the pain I went through.

As soon as a hit grade 9, the bullying stopped and I was okay. I went out, partied with my friends; I finally felt like I was able to be myself without anyone denying me.

Grade 10 hit, and I was diagnosed with Anxiety Disorder with Agorophobia, and once that hit...I felt just like I hit rock bottom. I lost a relationship to it, I lost a lot of my friends to it...I felt like all hope was lost. And when I thought things couldn't feel or get any worse, my Grandfather passed away the next year.

The depression came back and hit me so hard that, I just didn't feel like living anymore. My Grandpa was the one who was always there to remind me that things would be okay, he was my best friend. I felt all my hope and faith in anything...gone, in a flash. I turned to drinking, drugs and self harm in order to cope with how I felt. And I knew what felt right, wasn't really right.

One day I was laying in my bed, and I just did not want to get up, and I sat up briefly and said "God, if you and Jesus really do exist, and really do care, please show me a sign that things will be okay because I don't think I can make it". And I heard him say to me "Jess, you have nothing to worry about. I do love you and I will take care of you, but right now you need to get out of that bed and live your life. I will take your depression away from you as long as you get out of that bed".

I started to remember Isaiah 41:10 which says "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.", and I got out of that bed...and started to live.

I've never seen change happen so fast before in my life and after months of frowning every day, I actually stood up and smiled.

I don't drink anymore, I don't do drugs, I don't self harm...I just pray.

A lot of my friends tell me I look good and I look happy and they ask me how I did it and I always tell them "It wasn't me who just helped myself, it was God". God has really affected my life in so many ways that I could never turn my back on him. He has showed me love, and have showed me compassion, and showed me I can survive any struggles I hit, because HE will always be there with me.

I survived, because God was there, and I haven't looked back since.

satisfied

User-Submitted — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 16:57:46 -0400

You know As a child I was always picked on. I was the one that every kid thought was weird the one that they would laugh at. At first I just brushed it off because I would always manage to find someone to like me for who I am, but oddly enough they would always movie away and I was left being the outcast.

When I went to middle school I never was happier “for once I wont be the weird one” I thought, but I was wrong. My 6 grade year I was bullied and by my 7th grade I was tired of it so I decided to change. I was basically like chameleon blending in to my surrounding. I would go with the crowd pretending to be someone that I’m not, but hey it worked I finally had friends. It was eating me up inside pretending to be someone that I wasn’t it was also giving me depression. I was not happy with who I really was I lessen to what other said and agree that I was lame, ugly, annoying, ect. I buried my feeling and continued living a lie before long this person became me. My 8th grade year My mom lost her job and was really sick. This made my house hold a war zone. We were all broken, hurting, sad,angry, and taking it out on each other. At the age of 14 I had to work to help my family out. As if I wasn’t filled with angry enough my work made hate life even more.

My mom was frustrated with the whole thing and took it out on us. During this my brother turned to drugs I turned to lust. I wanted to fill wanted and love so I got a boyfriend. I would do whatever this guy wanted even if I didn’t want to because he said he loved me. I thought why not i was a sell out when it came to being someone I wasn’t so this wont hurt me. I would separate myself from my family at a time when we needed to be together, but no I would just focus on my boyfriend because “I loved him” I was so warped up to the point were i lost my friends. This guy That I though gave me love took over my life my first years of high school consisted of him. I had bad grades, missed school a lot, went behind my moms back, ect. He treated me so bad, but at the time I thought life was better with him then without.

So basically at this point I was surrounded by so many issues I was fed up. I was frustrated with who I was. I was mad at everyone. Lies had swarmed me so much I literally trusted no one. I looked towards what seemed like a get away but just ruined me more. My self esteem was going low. My family was tearing apart. Everything was a mess, I couldn’t handle it. If I could’ve killed myself I probably would’ve but I didn’t want to leave more of a burden on my family and also what stopped me was this band ( Ill continue that later). I lost my moms trust, hurt my family, most of all was angry at myself.

So with no way out I started going with my brother to church and actually listen with an open heart. I thought why not I did everything to try to make me fell alive and if that didn’t work I would turn to drugs. Honestly I was saved. Saved from throwing my life away,from destroying my family and myself,saved from hate and God literally just filled my life with the love no one could have ever given me. I honestly always feel satisfied with Him and knowing He will always have my back even when I fail.

What surprises me was that even when I pushed him way he still found away to comfort me and save my life when I was about to take it. How you ask well the band that saved my life and gave me comfort was a Christan band. They would always sing about this hope and love that I wanted, but little did I know that the hope and love they sang about was God. It just amazes me how much He loves me that He would do that. That He would fine a way to talk to me when I wouldn’t listen. That’s love right there!

Looking back at it now I don’t think my problems were that big. I thought my life sucked back then because I thought God was small. Now He is all sized up and nothing will bring me down.

College

User-Submitted — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 01:50:14 -0400

I am a new student at Kennesaw State University. The college itself is great, but I have been struggling heavily with loneliness. Most of my friends back home were Juniors in high school, so when I graduated I was off on my own. I know plenty of older people through my sister who also attends KSU, but meeting her friends and being introduced as "Renee's brother" isn't extremely satisfying. I want to meet my own friends, and also my family in Jesus.

It's extremely difficult plugging myself into a world of people where everyone is so willing to compromise their morals and standards in order to fit in. I am not about to dishonor Jesus by trading life in Him for momentary pleasure, but I get tripped up sometimes.
After class I typically get something to eat then go back to my room. Loneliness sets in pretty easily when I don't have my friends around or my girlfriend to comfort me, and it's not always easy to go to God when you allow yourself to believe He doesn't want you as much as everyone else. In my sadness I've found myself falling back in to an old habit of pornographhy. It kills me to know that I'm allowing what God has freed me from to come between my faithfulness towards Him.

I've been going through a tough season of not feeling the Lord's presence in my life. With Him, I could overcome loneliness just by shear security in Him, and feeling Him pour his love over me, but I just don't feel that right now. Last night at a house church, while praying, I began sobbing, crying out for God. I want Him so badly, and the combination of being lonely, missing my girlfriend, and desperately questioning where He is has been killing me inside.

My heart is broken. I need the love of God so badly right now. I need freedom from sin and I need real, natural fellowship. All I want is God's presence back in my life.

God and me in the pit

User-Submitted — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 01:44:39 -0400

In a short time I was losing everything. My castle made of sand was crumbling all around. In a period of 4-5 weeks I had lost my job, lost my dog, truck was impounded, and I was being evicted. My life sounded like a bad country song.I spiraled into a deep depression where I wouldn' even leave my apartment to walk my dog. There were dog feces everywhere. My place was a disaster.

I had to be out of my place by noon on a Sunday. I went to church instead. I put off packing and leaving until my landlord threatened the police. Basically I had 2 hours to decide what to do with 5 years worth of stuff. The plan was to move into my parents house and they didn't have very much room. As I was madly scrambling, packing, and throwing out tons of things, I came across a bottle of old pain medication.

I allowed myself to entertain the idea of taking the whole bottle and forgetting my struggles. I came up with a plan to phone my landlord and make up a story about having some back rent, then taking the pills so he would find me passed out or dead in the hallway. Just as I was trying to figure out whether to take all the pills at once or take them a few at a time ( I hate the taste of pills in my mouth) clarity came upon me. I suddenly realised how stupid I was acting and got scared of my actions. I buried the pills at the bottom of a big bag of garbage and threw it out immeadiately. I did what I had to do to get out of the apartment, my friend came with a truck to help me out.

After I moved my stuff into my parents house I told my dad everything that happened. I did not omit anything or exaggerate. I gave him the unvarnished truth. He was a little shooken up but listened and prayed with me. I got myself into counselling and committed to going to church every Sunday. ( I was a believer, but I was far from God)

Looking back on those days, I realise that during those tough times God was with me. I gave my life back to Him. I can say with complete confidence that the reason why I am where I am today is because of the struggles I had and how I submited Gods love and teaching during those tough times.

God lowered me into the pit. He allowed me to experience certain things, then He opened my eyes enough for me to see Him and rely on Him. Then he raised me out of the pit.

Ephesians 2:10 - For we are God's workmanship, created anew in Christ Jesus to do the good things He has planned for us long ago!

My struggle

User-Submitted — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 01:42:35 -0400

i been struggling with lots of depression rage and bitterness and i feel im falling away from what good ive been a christian for only a year and its so hard todo good when you goto skool it sucks for me you get on track then you get thrown down i wanna do good but i mess up too much and i feel God hates me for it like im depressed right now i watched jakes testomony it mad me feel better except the suicide part because i dont want to be around barely anymore i feel like a waste of a soul alot of the time. like i have nothing to life for all i have in my life is my mom and half the time i think she hates me and i really dont have a dad i barely see him so i dont have anyone to help me through this

You are loved by He whose love knows no bounds.

User-Submitted — Fri, 09 Sep 2011 01:37:24 -0400

Sometimes, I feel like we need to remember that. I often get sick of seeing the “forever alone” memes, or even hearing people say it. God loves us more than we could ever imagine. Our human brains are not physically capable of comprehending the depths and widths that His love abound. We get so worried about others not loving us back, when we shouldn’t be worried about it, because no matter what we do, no matter what happens, there is One who loves us through everything. When it seems like nobody loves us, when it seems like we’ll always be alone, and we have those moments when we feel like nobody cares enough to listen or be there as a friend, God is there. He may not always respond back the way we want Him to, but He’ll respond back the way that is best for us and our lives.

We’re all young, we’ve got out whole lives ahead of us. Just because you’re not in a relationship right now, and you may want to be in one, doesn’t mean it’s the end of the world and it’s something to freak out about. You’re young, enjoy it, God’s timing is perfect all the time. Our timing is not His. It’s one of the hardest parts of being a Christian. We try to rush things, do things on our own, we’re impatient; we’re human. It’s part of our imperfect nature, that was created by a perfect being.

However, Proverbs says in 16:3-4 “Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed. The LORD works out everything for his own ends - even the wicked for a day of disaster.” Whatever we do, we have to declare it to God. It’s that declaration that He will notice and honour on our behalf, whether it be anything from a job to a relationship. God knows what He’s doing, He always has and always will. He works everything out for His own good, and ours as well. James 4:15 says “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”

He didn’t promise us we wouldn’t go through struggles, but He did promise us that He would never leave us. In John 14, Jesus says “I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you… Because I live, you also will live… Whoever has my commands and obeys them, he is the one who loves me. He who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love him and show myself to him.” This is one of my favourite verses, for it shows us Jesus and God’s commitments to their creation, and that He will not abandon us. Friends come and go, family come and go, there are friends who will stick with us through everything, but God is the true friend, he is the true Father, he will not abandon us when we betray Him, He will not turn His back on us when we break a promise to Him, and He will never stop loving us.

Too often do we find ourselves sad, depressed, and crying because we feel unloved, we feel alone, we feel betrayed, we feel let down, abandoned, hurt, etc. But instead of crying, we should smile, because there is a God sitting right next to us, crying for us, hurting for us, and in that pain He recognizes us in our most dire times for a Saviour once again to rescue us from our humanity. It is then that we curl up, drop our defenses, and are wrapped in His arms. 1 Peter 5:7 says this: “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” And in verse 10: “And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”

God tests us, there is no doubt about that. He puts us through struggles and tests. That is why too often we hear people tell us to not pray for patience, for God will give us opportunities to be patient. But do we not think that even if we don’t pray for patience, God will still give us those opportunities because He knows what we need to become stronger? Prayer is the most important tool of a Christian, aside from the Bible, and God is always there to listen, there is no other better listener than He. And just because you don’t hear a voice talking back to you, giving you answers, doesn’t mean He isn’t there. It is sometimes the calming silence that proves to us that He is there more than ever before.

“Reveal your love to me, redemption come to free. Let love abound in me, establish unity.” The Ember Days - Unite Your Bride

Death

User-Submitted — Mon, 22 Aug 2011 17:27:16 -0400

There's not much of a story, but idk how to ask for help. I've gone to four different churches and i feel like I'm not welcome. Anyway's I'm a 15 year old, girl and I constantly think about dying and how to do it. I have 50 plus scars all over my body from those days where I didn't think I could do it anymore. I feel like I'm alone with everyone's back to me. Not that I blame them, if it were someone else acting like me, I'd probably just walk away.. But I can't help feeling like dying. At least, I don't think I can..

Nothing to big, nothing to small.

User-Submitted — Thu, 14 Jul 2011 15:24:21 -0400

A lot of people these days (especially teens) deal with depression. A lot of people feel like the world has left them abandoned and broken with no hope. I have been depressed twice and once border line suicidal. My parents are split and driving back and forth 2-3 hours every other weekend was starting to take its emotional toll on me. I felt like no one could hear me, but there was one person that could always hear me. His name? Why his name was God. There is nothing to big and nothing to small for God to handle. Although at the time it felt like he just abandoned me and left me for dead, the truth was that I abandoned him. (I had already been a Christian for 2 years) and without God in your life, you start to travel down a very bad path. One that serves the one agenda of the beautiful angel. The fallen angel, Lucifer. Lucifer is so beautiful, attracting stray's towards him but underneath all of that temptation that at the time looks nice, is something purely evil and horrifying. And he will do what ever it takes to draw you away from the Lord. But thank our Father for forgivness because with out Christ giving his life for our sins we would be doomed. And if your depressed, and nothing seems to be helping, try praying or just cracking the Bible open. The Lord is waiting with his arms wide open for you, waiting to help you. God is always on your side and will never ever abandon you.

...

User-Submitted — Tue, 05 Jul 2011 23:52:45 -0400

I just want to cut myself again.
The anxiety is too much to take.
I'm falling into depression again.
And he doesn't understand.

Depression: I use to blame myself. ..

User-Submitted — Sat, 11 Jun 2011 12:24:50 -0400

A few years ago, I had gotten into this huge problem with cutting. I felt so alone and empty that I thought no one would really care at all if anything were to happen to me. My brothers were away at college, my mom was never home and my dad was too busy drinking to even care about me. I have really bad social anxiety, so it's hard for me to meet new people and initiate conversations. But, a few months later I had met this kid named Zack. He was so supportive and went through a similar hard time. He helped me try to get better, he was always there for me (even if it was at three in the morning) and would sneak up into my room if I really needed him there. But, he had to move to Indiana because his aunt had called child services on his dad and he ended up moving in with her. Things got tough again and I got back into cutting and discovered sleeping pills. I was a total and complete wreck; a ticking time bomb. Zack called everyday, texted me every second and made trips back to see me as much as he could. It was a bit over a three hour drive from Indianapolis to the suburb on Plainfield in Illinois so he couldn't come as often as we liked.

One night, I got into a huge fight with my dad. He was drunk and didn't mean half of what he was telling me, but every word was cutting into me harder than the razor. (Seriously, what daughter wants to hear that they're not good enough and they never will be? Why can't you just be more like your brothers? I do wish I was like my brothers.) I called Zack crying, saying that I needed him there. It was such a bad week and my dad yelling at me was the tip of the iceberg. I had this feeling in my gut I was going to do something ridiculously stupid if he couldn't come. He left immediately to get to my house.

He was talking longer than usual to get to my house, and I was really starting to get worried. Zack wouldn't answer any of my calls and his aunt said he was definitely on the road coming to my house.

On September 3rd 2009 at 12:43 am my best friend in the whole world was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver.

The what took place that year was extremely foggy. I completely shut down, I was back to cutting. Zack helped me through everything and he was gone. He wasn't there to answer the phone or come out to see me or send stupid texts that would make me smile, regardless of what kind of day I was having. I'd cut into my skin, leaving think, red scars. I spent every day hoping this was all a dream. I'd have nightmares when I fell asleep; I didn't know what was worse: sleeping or being awake. I popped pills and every cut got deeper.

I blamed myself for making him come that night.
I blamed my dad for always making me feel like shit.
I even blamed God for taking my best friend away from me.

I didn't know what to do with myself, I couldn't understand why I was still living. What was the purpose of me living and him being taken away from me? I took more pills, cut deeper and stayed locked in my room. I just wanted the darkness to swallow me whole.

One second my best friend is there, the next he's in Heaven.

Each day was a struggle to get through; every second felt like hours. I couldn't even look in a mirror and recognize what the hell I had become. I couldn't even breathe properly, my chest was so empty. Every breath was ragged and forced. I completely forgot how to smile or talk. My grades in school dropped. I was known as "the poor girl with the dead best friend". Sometimes I would even sneak away into the bathroom during class and pull up my shirt and cut my side. It was so red and swollen with other scars. I hated looking at them, they reminded me of what I lost.

The year dragged on.

One morning, I took a look in the mirror and I just stared at myself for what seemed like forever. I was so angry at myself for destroying my body from the inside out. Why would Zack want me to do this to myself? He wouldn't. He would want me to be strong, keep living and meet new people. He would want me to laugh, smile, stay out late, be a normal teenager. If he were still here, he wouldn't just sit around while I destroyed myself.

I left and went to Church immediately. I hadn't been there for so long. I went into a pew and just prayed and cried for God to forgive me. It wasn't God's fault that Zack was killed. It wasn't my fault either and it wasn't my dad's. It was the alcohol's fault and the man's fault for driving while intoxicated. I prayed for forgiveness. I forgave the man for killing my best friend, the burden of him killing a young, seventeen and a half teenager will be with him forever.

When I got home, I flushed all of the pills. I threw away my razors. I prayed for the strength to stay strong. I couldn't keep killing myself; God had given me this body and I was completely destroying it.

I tried as hard as I could to be a normal teenager. I went to football games, parties, I raised money to stop drunk driving, I laughed, I smiled, I finally learned to live again. I picked up a guitar so I could keep my hands and mind busy instead of the constant crave for pills or my razor against my skin when I was having a bad day or a nightmare.

I still have the strength today because of my best friend watching over me in Heaven.

Depression

User-Submitted — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 12:41:35 -0400

A couple years ago I wasn't happy with where I was in my life and I was drinking. At first it was just with friends and it made me feel good having a good time with friends. Soon I was just asking some friends to buy stuff for me cause I'm underage. I found a false happiness in it. I still went out with friends and everything, but I thought I was only happy when I was drunk so that's how I lived my life. Close to a year later I stopped getting that good feeling and I was still unhappy with myself. The only thing I had was my band and our drummer left so for a while didn't do anything so I didn't even want to write music because I thought it was pointless. I go in and out of phases with listening to different bands and when I got to ABR the lyrics from composure stuck with me and I wanted to turn my life around. I confided in a few friends of how I was feeling and they helped me through it, but I think that part of how you reach out to all your fans with God kind of brought me to your music and got me going the right direction. Now we have a drummer and we're getting ready for a comeback with all new material and the works. I met you at the Williamsport, PA show and actually meeting the person that does all this great stuff made me get that extra drive. Since then I've been more musically active and been living the way I wanted to. I'm getting ready to move out of my parents place and live my life and hopefully do what you do for a living! Such inspiring music and a constant inspiration. The haven't drank alcohol since I "restarted" my life. I turn 21 this year and I don't plan on drinking even then because I don't wanna go down that road again. Thank you so much man! God Bless!

My story.

User-Submitted — Fri, 10 Jun 2011 12:40:09 -0400

Well you asked for stories about overcoming addiction so I thought I'd share a little about mine.
I'm 17 years old, and until just a few months ago, I'd been cutting myself. It'd been 5 and a half years since I'd started, and I found that I couldn't stop. I don't really wanna make this a random sob story, haha. But well... here we go. Haha.
Being raised as a Christian I had been told by the few people that knew that I could "overcome" and that "Jesus was my healer", but I didn't really know what that meant. And I don't know that I believed it.
I'd tell them that I could handle it, that I was trying, that I was making progress. And mostly, they believed me and left me alone about it.
At first, I felt overwhelmingly guilty about lying, but eventually I got my conscience to shut up. Which, in retrospect, wasn't the best idea. Now for whatever reason, all that guilt I had buried under the false apathy came out whenever Composure would come on my ipod's shuffle. Every time I'd hear that song, it gave me chills. I noticed that I could relate to every line in that song, save for the last one; "wave goodbye to the past, you've got your whole life to lead - it's time to gain some ground." I wanted to be able to live that. And it was really the only inspiration I was getting, August Burns Red being one of the only Christian bands I listened to. And that song would slap me in the face every single time.
Eventually really, I got sick of lying and decided that that's not who I was. I didn't want to hate myself anymore and wanted to change.
I wholeheartedly went to God for the first time on my own accord, and asked Him to pull me out. (Redemption became my new favorite song, haha.)
And little by little, God pulled me out. At first, I didn't cut because I was "too busy". Then it became, I just didn't feel like it. And then, I really just didn't want to. I wanted to pray. I wanted to read God's word. I wanted to talk to Him about what was upsetting me. And one day, 4 months ago, the fact hit me. I was healed. For the first time since September of 2005, I didn't have to cut myself to feel, or to get my anger out, or to remember who I was. I was finally found in Him.
Anyway the point is, haha, I'm really grateful that I went through this. Because I've met so many others struggling as well, and in just four short months, I've met a lot of people with similar struggles and have been able to use my testimony, my scars, to pull them out. I'm different now. I like me better now. It does say in the Bible that we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, so I thought I'd share. Haha.

Welp, that's my story. Thanks for listening, haha.

Just Who I Am.

User-Submitted — Wed, 01 Sep 2010 19:22:05 -0400

You know, I didn't know I had a real problem until my eighth grade year. Was it normal to pull out patches of your hair at night? Was it normal to put scissors to your arm over and over again? I had a problem, I knew it. Fighting my troubling childhood memories became a daily chore. Everything would make me think of my father's drug abuse, and his affair with another woman. Plus the history of his drug abuse. The abandonment I still felt was crippling. I numbed my emotions with alcohol during my sophomore year. It was a rush that kept me "sane". The cutting became less of an issue when The Drink took over. When my boyfriend would break up with me, I'd take a shot. Bad grade on a test, drink half the bottle of vodka. Whatever it took. Eventually I began to ponder, when would I see the light? I was waiting for some kind of sign, ANYTHING to get me out of my grave i dug. I finally poured The Drink down the drain and basically said "fuck you" to that voice inside opposing the disposal of it.

My battle is still being fought, and now at 16 I have found out that I can be in control. This life is a test, and we are ALL going to pass. We just need some tutoring sometimes. I'm going to base my life around helping those who have suffered just like myself.
You're all beautiful, every.single.one of you.

God Bless.

The Power of Drugs

User-Submitted — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 09:49:08 -0400

The Power of Drugs-Drug addict dies 11 minutes

The I Did Not Know book, which I wrote, mainly speaks about drug usage and abuse. Drugs were here on earth before any of us were born. Many people began using drugs in their teen years. When that is done, it is a child’s brain up against a 1000 years old clever substance. No matter what age you are today, drugs are older than you are. Since that is so, which do you think is more subtle and cleverer? Well, drugs are.

The book I’ve written speaks about the many events you’ll experience, because of using and abusing drugs. My first drug usage was marijuana. I was 14 years old at the time. Suddenly, my 24th birthday came, and I was still using drugs. A subtle work was performed on my brain. I thought I was only going to use marijuana, until drugs empowered me to elevation.

The addiction from this drug empowered me to try one drug after another. After reading the I Did Not Know book, you will understand the type of empowerment I’m speaking about. Never in a million years did I believe I’d ever be convinced to using heroin, cocaine, dippers, pre-mo, valiums, Tylenol 3’s & 4’s, codeine pills, syrup, hard liquor, beer, or any other chemical that works against my health. After using as well as abusing all those drugs, do you think my brain system is normal? Wow, marijuana surely worked subtle and clever work on me. Actually, most of the problems my life faced were because of drugs being in my presence and in my body.

One day, while I was getting high, death literarily became my experience. My heart stopped beating for 11 minutes. Then, I went into a coma, and stayed in it for ten days. While being in the coma, my brain functions were being reconfigured. Doctors said, “If he ever awakes from this coma, his brain would live in a “vegetated state”. More than 17 years has now passed, and my brain and body is still being rehab. After experiencing a horrible tragedy such as this, I was left with only these words to say, “I Did Not Know” drugs would cause damage to my body, and destroy my athletic dreams both at the same time”. Wow, what great power drugs have!

If you are on drugs today, I advise you to go and get Jesus cleansing. Jesus has helped, cleansed, and forgiven me time after time, and that is why I’m back on the right track. Jesus will either pull you out of a pit, or prevent you from falling/jumping into one.

In St. Louis, Mo, in the year of 2009, there was a recorded 143 murders. In 2008, there were 167 murders, 237 forcible rapes; 2, 634 robberies; 4, 345 aggravated assaults; 7, 274 burglaries; 17, 328 larceny thefts; 5, 841 vehicle thefts.

Ninety percent of the crimes committed were probably by a bunch of drug users. If you continue using drugs, you just might experience one of the above-mentioned crimes. Why continue watching madness take place? Are we really trying to do something to conquer crimes? We pray about it all the time. We have faith that something can be done, but where are our works.

my past is not my future...

User-Submitted — Fri, 28 May 2010 15:58:44 -0400

At age 35 - i am alive, i solo parent 3 of the worlds most incredible daughters, i speak, i write, i run a charity that exists to come alongside women wanting a life change from addiction issues and/or the sex industry....why?

That woman used to be me.

Now i get the honour to come alongside the women that I used to be and tell them my story.
Tell them that freedom is possible.
Tell them that they are loved, valued and created with a purpose.
Show them a love they've never known before, the same love with which I've been loved back to life.

The love that found me in the pit of hell as a 24 year old woman in drug rehab.
The love that loved me there but loved me far too much to leave me there.
A love that looked at my 90 pound frame with my brown skin hanging off my bones and the hatred & anger in my heart that came out through every look of my eyes
A love that knew everything that there was to know about me and loved me anyway...a love that paved the way to the grace that set me free.

You see that messed up woman wasn't who I always was...

I had a regular upbringing and had dreams of making movies & going to Hollywood to change the world (and maybe i still will...), at age 16 I had the grades to get into University and someone offered me some pot.

I said "yes".

I got bored very quickly and that turned to acid trips, speed, pills, ecstasy, bad relationships, abortion, shallow friendships, dropping out of university...heroin.

I started a relationship with a heroin addict.
I was 18 years old.
Heroin nearly killed me.
I spent all my money, stole from family & friends, stole from my work, got busted...and had only one thing left to sell - my body.

And I did.
But nobody had told me that I would also be selling my soul.

Prostitution was the most soul-destroying & heart-breaking time of my life.

At age 24 I decided I needed to stop before it killed me.
I did.

There beginning the journey of freedom - with a chip on my shoulder, every second word a cuss word, violence & anger in every heartbeat I encountered a doctor who told me, "your problem is not drugs, your problem is you have a whole in your soul that only Jesus can fill"...I very colourfully told him what he could do with his Jesus...days later I entered a rehab program...run by Christians.
All they could do was love me - and I made their job as difficult as possible!

6 weeks later: with many arguments, threats to leave, anger outbursts and challenges I made a decision that would change my life forever - and the lives of anyone I encounter.

I dared God to take me.

Thankfully He had been waiting passionately and patiently for me my whole life.

That was August 15th 1999...

Now I hope to use my past to help change other peoples futures...

Now, my past is not my future and neither is yours!

Now I get it...I am loved, valued & created with a purpose and so are you!

Oh, Brother.

User-Submitted — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 11:59:08 -0500

So I guess it all started out when my brother was 11 or 12. He always hung out with the druggies and the "out casts" My mom never really thought anything of it, untill he started getting caught by the cops. First at age 11 he started smoking cigarretts, Then it was drinking. Mind you, he was only 11 or 12. When he started to hang out with the wrong crowd..and getting picked up by the policed a few times a month..thats when my parents started to get worried. They figured it was just a phase and knew he would grow out of it. But now that he is almost 27 he has gotten worse. My brother is addicted to any medication his doctors give him, and he is an alcoholic. He has drank bleach and jumped off the roof of our two storie house all within less than a year. Every time he pulls his little stunts..my mom always says that she is going to give him one more chance and the next time he does something idiodic, then he is out of the house. ( mind you, he is 27 and lives at home with his parents and his girlfriend is having a baby). She never does anything about it. In the end she always baby's him. So far he has broken his leg and his lower back. He is currently in the hospital for jumping off the roof and his girlfriend is due in a few weeks. We don't really know why he does this to us. We think it is because he is scared that his girlfriend is going to leave him just like his other one did because she had a child with him. But the thing that drives me crazy is im only 17 and I have to deal with this stuff; Plus my dad had a few strokes and an annyruism back in may. We're all scared that it could happen at anytime. A lot of people say that they're going through a hard time when their dad goes to jail or their parents get a divorce and stuff. But yeah I can see that...it is hard to deal with that even though ive never personally had to. But when I tell them what him going through; their eyes get all wide and realize..yeah she must have a harder life than I do. I've never really told this stuff to anyone..and i thought that it would be difficult for me..but it isnt. I've only told my friends and they don't even know all of it; but most of it. So this is something new for me.

Everyone's doing it

User-Submitted — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 10:59:25 -0500

my friends were bored one day, so we decided to throw a little party. the party started out small but a lot of people showed up and it got out of control. every weekend after that we had parties, so we wouldnt be bored, and even though i dont like the way alcohol makes me feel i keep drinking. i drink to fit in. i am so self conscious that i get drunk with my friends just so they will like me. my grades are slipping and im not as close to my mom as i used to be. i wish i could stop drinking and just like myself and not worry about the people who dont like me for me. i need new friends and i need to accept myself for who i am.

Who I was, a scared, hurt teenage girl

User-Submitted — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 17:11:54 -0500

15 years old. It all came down to one thing. I was scared and lost. My parents divorced twice my little sister passed away. My mom not totally in the picture and me not getting along with my father. I was struggling in school. I was losing a guy who really meant a lot to me. I knew people who were doing so why couldn't I? I started by using a sharp pencil but it wasn't enough. I needed more. I did it on my wrist a little. People could see I had to hide it. I started on my stomach. I was just not what I used to be. I was scared and hurt. I never felt like enough. I did it constantly on my stomach. I told the guy. He just got mad and left me said he wouldn't put up with it. I thought I really messed up and had to keep doing it. No one found out unless I told them.I kept going. I was 16 by the time I found someone who really wanted to help me. He became like my older brother. He did everything he could to encourage me. I luckily was able to stop 4 months after I turned 16. I stopped for so long and since may I have only done a form of it 3 times. I am not proud that I did it but proud that it has been that little. I got help. My story may not be as heart breaking as others I wish I could tell you exactly how it feels, what I felt but I never can. Just know there is so much more. I do still struggle with it but I know where to get help and that it is possible. The scars on my stomach are horrid and will never go away. Please let yourself get help. Even for that year and a half it was horrible. Heartbreaking to everyone around me. I am thankful I got help and I hope you can too

Forever A Cutter

User-Submitted — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 21:49:48 -0500

Someone once told me I cut so I will always remember.
I cut to forget and forgive.

I don't cut myself for your approval.
I don't cut myself fro your attention.
I do cut myself for satisfaction.
The Satisfaction of knowing that it is I who hold the power.
I who put this blade to my skin.
I who controls, how deep how much how far I will go.
When the blade splits my skin i get this overwhelming rush
of euphoria, relief, it feels so good like a dream, damn it's
almost orgasmic. The blood trickles down my skin drenches
the floor with its sticky mess. It smells like copper.

After almost 12 years that strong smell of copper reminds me of home.
It welcomes me with open arms, big hugs and kisses. It takes me to
a familiar place that if I didn't have....well damn I would be lost. I am
now and forever and will always be a cutter. It's what make me ME!!

How do I express myself? Where do i go? Who can I turn to? The blade!!
Shiny and silver and cold metal. I pour my hearts sorrows to it.
My confusion, my pain, my soul and yes even my happiness. I share
everything with it. It always has a solution. We sit in silence, heart
thumping in ear, breathing heavily, trembling, watching the pain,
the sin, the drama, the torture....my hearts torture stain the linoleum.
Then everything becomes silent. I didn't ask for these feeling, don't
wanna be all extra fucking sensitive...I never asked for this pain, to be able
to feel pain. Cut my heart out my chest. Put it in a envelope. Lick the stamp.
Return to sender. From the mind of a cutter.....

ive lost my hero

User-Submitted — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 10:27:37 -0500

ever since i was a child, ive had it somewhat rough. when i was a baby to four years old, my brother and i was abused by my real father. then dcfs came in and things happened to get him away from us all. well then my mother met who is now my step father, who was a cop at the time. and i still had visitations with my father and when the abuse kept coming, we cut all ties with him and he kept the child support and said he never wanted my brother and i, that he wanted the money more than us because were not worth it..well then i was ad.opted into my step fathers family who i adore so much because theyre now my only family. when i came into the family so young, i tended to look up to my older cousins. i grew up never really feeling a part of the family like everyone else but there was one person of that whole family who i was so close to, who i loved and adored, i looked up to her everyday. that person was my cousin erica...shes my other half, the one who makes me smile at the hardest of times. shes gone thru everything and knows me inside and out. but ive lost her thru a family fight between her and my mother. my mother never really accepted her because of her past drug abuse and problems..but i looked past her faults and saw the amazing happy person she was. and without her this month has been a living hell. i have no contact with her, she has taken my off her phone and myspace and willnot ever text or call me back. and it breaks my heart. i just wnat to know shes not angry with me and that she still loves me. i pray that we can be together again. because im a mess without her. i love that gurl to death because she really is my other half. without her so many things have turned around for the worst, im depressed, alone, hurt, upset, im losing friends and people to drugs and alcohol now, i feel more unaccepted then ever. im confused, im nervous, i dont knwo what to do anymore..my life now has no positive thoughts, feelings or ideas. its feeling like my life is falling apart wihtout a fully connected family and my best friends with me. i cant sleep, i can barely eat,everything seems to be going terribly because of the loss of my cousin, friend, and hero. my dad and i are continuing to fight and fight, school is even going bad again. please help me because i need guidance and help in my life and support along the way because thats whats missing now.

Who's got 20 to throw in?

User-Submitted — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 13:35:54 -0500

I am currently in a situation that i know is wrong, but it is so good.

I have a major problem with drugs, almost everything except meth, at least not yet, but in my life you never know when that could change, i've done everything, pot, shrooms, lsd, crack, heroin, coke, dmt, opium, X, Mollie, you name it, i've probably done it, i don't steal from people, yet, but i know my life is on a downward spiral, it began many years ago, but it has just gotten worst the past 6 months, i had a good job for a year and a half, but once all this started i lost it because of staying up all night, chasing a buzz, sitting there in the middle of the night trying to get extra money so we could go get another sack of coke, or a little extra so we could go get a hubba(crack), or sitting on the couch tripping off 10 hits of lsd, staring into the oblivion, wondering what i will ever do with my life, i live in a house where drug use is a constant thing, an everyday event, i moved out when i was 18, and left everybody that cared about me behind, just to live this life that has no meaning, dropped out of school to chase this buzz, i have lived a rough life, from the day i was born, and it just seems like every time i do it it makes my troubles go away, until i look back the next day and think, and wonder why i did it? and then i know that i'm always going to do it again, thats not going to change unless i make a drastic change in my life, nothing will change, ever, i need a wake up call, but i don't know that anything will do that, i've already woken up in the gutter in memphis with a needle sticking out of my arm, and that didn't do anything, so what will it take? is death the only option? i guess only time will tell!

Lost.

User-Submitted — Sat, 05 Sep 2009 02:47:03 -0400

i'm a full blown addict. to pretty much everything people can be addicted to. i'm 19 years old and i have a 3 year old daughter. i'm addicted to sex. i've had about 20 sexual partners since my daughter was born. i'm addicted to alcohol. before i started college a year ago, i was drinking just about everyday, alone or with friends- it didn't matter. when school started, i tried to cut back to only drinking on the weekends, but that didn't last very long. soon i was drinking a lot during the week, going to class hungover or just not going at all. i started smoking pot when i was 13, right after my mom died and i moved to another state to live with my aunt. then i just moved right up the line to ecstasy, lsd, and eventually heroin and cocaine. after my girlfriend got pregnant, my aunt kicked me out of her house so i moved to new york city to live with a friend there. but he realized really quickly that i wasn't a good person to have around, so i ended up living in my car for 2 months. my addictions to drugs just got worse and worse during that time. i've tried quitting so many times. i've been in several recovery programs and tried rehab once but it never lasts long before i relapse. i've been lying to my family and closest friends for about a year, saying that i wasn't doing drugs anymore. until 4 months ago i stayed away from meth because i always heard that "meth kills" and "meth destroys families". and then my cousin got me to try it one time and i was totally hooked. i was shooting it up several times a day trying to maintain a steady high. 2 months ago, i tore a muscle in my shoulder and was prescribed oxycontin for the pain and got completely hooked on it. so i was shooting up meth and popping oxycontin. my girlfriend left me shortly after that, and i just got overwhelmed. i overdosed on the oxy and meth, and ended up in the hospital. i'm home now and working on breaking my addictions. it's the hardest thing in the world, but i've been clean for 15 days and counting. praise be to god.

The Craving, The Detachment, My Life

User-Submitted — Tue, 28 Jul 2009 16:04:25 -0400

Let me start this off honestly, I love weed.
I was introduced to smoking by an older friend back in December of '08. The first time was a thrilling experience for me, but decided that I wouldn't seek the drug, but if it was offered i would gladly accept. At the beginning of this ordeal, I only smoked about twice a month, but soon enough I started running with all the wrong kids, and was smoking only over the weekends, but on the weekends I smoked about three times a day.
Because of all this I lost many of the friends that I was so close with. But I gained more friends, for all the wrong reasons. People started offering more and more and I was up to the challenge of showing them I wasn't some pansy 14 year old. Soon, I was a familiar face at parties and was proud of the fact that I could hold my liquor.
What I wasn't seeing at the time was that each time I got high or drunk, it was becoming less and less fun or exciting, and I was doing it to replace the void of friends who ignored me and a family that I felt no emotional connection to. I felt like I didn't fit in anymore with anyone, because instead of opening up to people about different problems, I fell for the drugs to replace the worry with a unattached high from the world. I was fading more and more by the day.
Then to my surprise, most of the kids I smoked with started quiting. I tried too, but it turned out to be in vain. I sneaked around and did what ever I could get my hands on. Although I do a lot less, it's the craving that's going to drive me crazy.
I love it, But it's out to ruin me. I want to be saved, but I can't stand the thought of life without it. If they're is a god, or any higher power out there, I think they've forgotten about me. But I can't blame them, I look like a lost cause to myself.
This state of mind, is something that I wish upon no one.
Please, don't end up like me or anyone like me. Cuz I don't even have it as bad as others...

Addicted

User-Submitted — Thu, 18 Jun 2009 19:05:48 -0400

i'm currently 15. I don't write this for people to feel sorry for me, because all this is my own fault. The first part is not my own doing. My family had alot of tragedies occur. My uncle killed himself my bother developed a seizure disorder and my moms undergone many life saving surgeries. I spent alot of time alone, utterly alone. My grandpa died my grandma moved. I then got addicted to cutting and became suicidal. I starved myself. But this year that wasn't enough. My body needed more. I had o.d on painkillers before, but this time it was extreme and a bigger variety of pills. I became addicted and did it almost every day, more than 4 times a day, multiple pills at a time sometimes up to 30 at a time, vicodin, adderol, antidepressents and alot more. I began smoking, alot. I became a chain smoker, id smoke cigar followed by 3 cigarettes and a few more cigars in just 30 minutes. Id do that all day long, every day. Many ppl say you cant get addicted to weed, but you think its fun, and it psycologically addicting. I smoke weed every day and tamperded with other things. Id give any money i had for just a little bit of whatever i could get, this took a toll on my memory and my judgement, i had sex while under the influence. I have not don e anything for around 10 weeks, but my emotions are crazy and i would like that part of my life back, i can't remember hardly anything for the majority of last year. I still have cravings for an apple cigar because not only was i a chain smoker but i was also a stress smoker, sometimes i miss all of my old friends and my old "fun", but i can't ruin my whole life. i made by bed, i did ly in it and now ive got up.

brief overview of a life full of choices

User-Submitted — Mon, 04 May 2009 02:22:26 -0400

making a choice in the moment...i never thought it would affect me years later. ive moved around as a kid and i always made friends and was in with the crowd. everywhere i went people enjoyed my company. i started hanging out with my current boyfriend and ive been raised in a christian home, he was not. we get along though...we are best friends...he comes to church...but he says its for me not him or God or anything. addiction and depression run in my family (FYI) and i started smoking pot and i enjoy that escape so much. ive been thinking of quitting but then when i do want to a situation comes up and i dont know. the longest ive been clean is like 3 weeks and i feel terrible im not strong enough to keep clean. ive drank before and cut just for that moment..that choice. i want to be strong...i know i can be...i want my life back of friends wanting me every day and weekend, being at the top for sports and not just average, my family not fighting and getting angry and i know its because of me and my dependency of pot..i can see ive hurt them so much, and most of all i want to know who i am..i want to not be a failure anymore. i want to be able to say im smart, pretty, and happy. i dont want the weed to say it for me. my boyfriend is clean..and i dont know..id just like a friend (besides God, i know hes always there). i have a boyfriend and i have a family that loves me unconditionally...but how about a best friend again (i have one 423 miles away, but it makes for a hard best friendship) i want to not be trapt. if only ive made a different choice...if only id make the choice now and be strong

My Story In My Words.

User-Submitted — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 00:55:40 -0400

I believe that everyone has a story. I am publicly sharing mine in hopes to encourage you to share yours.
-------------------------------------------------------------------I am MJ, I was born in South Carolina but I now live in Georgia.
-------------------------------------------------------------------I was born in Charleston SC, and a few years later my family and I moved to Florida. Shortly after the move to Florida we moved to GA. I have lived in 6 different houses, and in three different states. I have moved schools 11 times in 12 years.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
As a result of having to move so many times I never had a “group” of friends, I have always been tossed from school to school making it hard to keep a constant friend. I always felt lonely, and left out. I would never share my feelings with anyone, and I was nervous to talk about anything that has to do with “emotions.” I was so nervous to talk about these “things” because for my entire life I have kept everything built up on the inside. I never had a friend I could call, or a group I could vent to during school. I constantly found myself alone and depressed on the weekends but I never mentioned how I felt to anyone. I could only handle so much of this emotional baggage until I had to empty it somewhere.
-------------------------------------------------------------------I was 12 years old when I drank and used drugs for the first time. The instant I felt this comfort in being hazy minded I fell in love. I fell in love with the feeling of being intoxicated. Being 12 it was hard for me to get alcohol, and nearly impossible for me to find drugs amongst my peers at school. I moved schools the summer after my first encounter with substances.
-------------------------------------------------------------------It was the beginning of 8th grade, and I was going into this new school looking for anyone who would accept me. I quickly fell into the “preps” and realized even quicker that this was not where I belonged. I left these “friends” and moved onto the next people who wanted to meet the new girl. I have always heard the term, “Misery Enjoys Company” and I now understand the meaning behind it. I fell into the group of kids who, like me, enjoyed being high or drunk. I was accepted into this group, and for the first time in my life I felt loved and welcomed. I was able to escape my pain in life, and have friends at the same time! For a while I felt as if I were on top of the world.
-------------------------------------------------------------------A constant blur of parties, drunken nights, and long highs describe the next 3 years of my life. I went to school using my grades as a cover up for the crazy life style I was living beneath what the average person could see. During these 3 years I was still in church, and I was even going on mission trips. I was the best actress, but still no one saw my act. I was pretending to be this innocent little girl who does everything right, and gets great grades. What many people didn’t realize was that I was dying on the inside. My way of coping with my problems in life wasn’t working anymore. It was then that I began to feel insanity creeping into my life. The insanity I am talking about is not the kind of the actual brain, but of the mind. To be insane is to make the same choices over and over knowing that your choice will result in the same outcome every single time. As strange as it may sound, I would make the same choices(using substances to cope) over and over. Every single time I knew that I wake up the next morning wishing that I wouldn't have done it, or I found myself rapidly searching for more of whatever “IT” was the night before. I did this only to cope with the guilt I felt for using substances in the first place. It was a constant routine of this for 3 years. I was stuck on a marry-go-round, and could never find a comfortable place to get off. I was never comfortable enough with myself or with my choices to hop off the crazy “ride” and continue with my life. The inability to get off of this wild “ride” was also stemming from the fact that I couldn't. These are small pieces of my journals during this time of my life:

“I hate this for myself. I feel like its’ almost an addiction. I cannot escape it, and it sucks. I want out of it so much, but when, just when will it happen?? I’m getting so pissed that I cannot stop it alone. I’m scared, I’m prideful—and I don’t want help…I know I need it though...”

“When I get upset I cannot help but to think of a distraction to my problems. At that moment in time I am looking for anyone, anything to distract me. I came up with drawing on my wall as an outlet, but my markers are running out and I have no more money. Last night was horrible. I had a bad day. I got home and my friends ditched me, my mom was yelling at me, and I got grounded for something I didn’t do! So this resulted in me using..AGAIN!! When I am there, in the moment I cannot stop myself. My mind tells me, ‘it’s bad! Don’t go it!!’ But then my body tells me different. My body is telling me that I need it, and I HAVE to have it. I’m so confused, and I don’t know what to do. I hate the word addiction, but is this what it is?”
-------------------------------------------------------------------
I would not say that I am addicted to one drug in particular but I am addicted to the way that a high or a drunken time makes me feel. (I say this in present tense[I AM] because once a person is an addict, it never goes away) I was obsessed with staying in this world where everything seemed perfect until it became unmanageable. When my life became unmanageable I still did not want to reach out and seek help. I was determined that I was going to be able to control my life on my own. I was too prideful to ask for help, and it seemed to be that if I ever did ask for help it was denied to me. I secretly wanted help, but pride got in my way.
-------------------------------------------------------------------At this point in my life I was in a dark place, I was the person who was full of pain and misery. I hated life, and I wanted to die. There was never a day I woke up excited to do something for 3 years straight, I woke up feeling as though breathing was a burden. I would contemplate killing myself, but I was never able to build enough strength to pull a trigger. During the midst of these thoughts I thought about God. I felt as though I had been a complete failure and the only prayer I was saying to God at this point was one asking Him to take my life so I wouldn’t have to wake up in the morning and live another day in what I thought was hell. I wanted to die more than I wanted to live. I felt as if I had failed everyone in my life, and I felt that no one wanted to be a part of me because of how bad I had messed up. The way I looked at it was that there was no point in living after al I had messed up. I wrote poetry to overcome my emotions when they rushed at me, and a few of them are posted here, on the website. (Lost Fight &Just Thoughts)
-------------------------------------------------------------------Not long after I wrote the poem, Just Thoughts I met a couple that soon became my friend and mentor. They were there for me anytime I needed something, and even invited me to their house on the weekends to hang out and talk. They would never force me to talk, or shove God in face. They were understanding of my problems, and gave me some of the greatest advice I will ever receive. For a very long time I felt as though I was not worth anyones time and that I had no purpose for living on this earth. When I began to share these thoughts I had about myself my friends told me the exact opposite and because I trusted them I soon began to believe that what they were telling me was true. This couple showed me that my life is worth living, and that God has a purpose for my life. These friends have been the only ones to stick with me through the hardest times of my life. They made a promise to me that things will get better, and the promise remains unbroken.
-------------------------------------------------------------------Through all of these situations in my life I have found that God is the real solution to any problem. God has proven Himself to me over and over. He has shown me that He is a God of love, mercy, forgiveness, and peace. The God I know accepts me for who I am, and for my past mistakes. He loves me enough to forgive me of my “past” and He welcomes me into His arms as He would welcome anyone else. I have always known that following God was the right thing to do, but I never found it to be appealing. I am so grateful that I have chosen to follow a God who loves me more than I can imagine. My decision to put my trust in God was made at a time of desperation. I was in a place where I couldn’t run from life anymore, and I had to face what I wanted to run from. After making this decision my problems didn’t vanish like my life was a magic trick, they were still there but I had support I could lean on in a time of need. By trusting God I was able to pray, and truly believe that there is God worth believing in. God has captivated my heart with His promises and His love for me. Even with my life in God’s control I still have problems, but having the knowledge that no problem is too great for God overrides any disbelief or doubt.
-------------------------------------------------------------------God can fix any problem you have in your life. He does not judge anyone for their wrongdoings, or their past, instead He accepts everyone for who they are in that moment. There is no certain way a Christian needs to look, dress, act or even talk. At the church I go to there are men with mohawks, and women with harley-davidson bikes, the best part is that God loves them just as much as He loves the person wearing a coat and tie sitting in the front row at church. God is accepting of us, no matter what issues we deal with. God has the ability to do whatever He wants, and this includes healing you of your painful wounds that you have accumulated over the years of your life. He can heal people from addiction to drugs, alcohol, pornography, self-injury, and any other addiction imaginable. He can heal you of depression and self-hate. He will restore you from your brokenness, and bring you to believe in hope again..
-------------------------------------------------------------------Thank you to all the people who have repeatedly called me and left voice mail after voice mail until I eventually called you back, to the people who texted me daily to be sure I made it through the night, and to the people who haven’t stopped believing in me. I feel blessed to have been able to cross tracks with so many wonderful people. It is my prayer that everyone who reads my story has been able to see the restoration from my brokenness. I pray that everyone who reads this story sees that restoration is possible, and there is no situation that God cannot handle. I pray that you are able to find hope in a dark place, and realize that there is a light at the end of every dark tunnel.
-------------------------------------------------------------------I have learned that hope is everywhere you allow it to be. I have found that in every situation there is hope; no matter how hard your circumstances may be. The word hope states a promise. It states that there is something better than what you are going through right now, it promises us that there is something bigger and better waiting for us in our future. If we can only grasp the word hope and hold it close to us throughout hard times we will find it a lot easier to have a smile on our face..even in the toughest situation.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
The few issues I have talked about are real, and they are happening at this very moment with so many people. These are issues that need to be talked about, and not avoided. Join with me, and bring awareness to the hidden problems that so many of us are facing on a daily basis.
-------------------------------------------------------------------Even though I have overcome these obstacles in my life, I still struggle. I am no where near perfect, and I will never pretend to be. My story is not over yet, and I will continue to write...

www.brokenwithhope.com

Pot Helps???

User-Submitted — Thu, 05 Mar 2009 10:47:46 -0500

I guess I never really thought it was possibly to get addicted to marijuana. I've always heard that it was a gateway drug, and there's no real evidence that someone can actually physically become addicted to it. Now that always made me feel crazy, because I've tried to stop smoking - several times. Sometimes I was successful but others, not so much. In the most recent past times, it was never successful. Although I knew it was bad, and it wasn't actually helping, it seemed like it was the only thing that Was helping. Or maybe it was that it was the only way I knew how to deal with my problems. Growing up I never learned healthy ways to cope with lifes never-ending problems, thus today making it very difficult for me to cope with anything. It could be the smallest inconveniant thing, or it could be a very big something. Either way I seemed to always turn to what I knew best - Pot. When I found myself laying in bed crying over some stupid boy, my answer was to get high. When I fought with my mom, my best friend, anyone for that matter, getting high was the first thing I thought of. It was always the first option for anything I ever went through, it got so bad that even when I was happy, when I was proud of myself, when I achieved something I didn't think I could achieve, my first thought was ' let's smoke a blunt to celebrate ' . It became an everyday thing, an all day thing. Never Never ending.

Now I'm not going to sit here and say that I have been clean for a while because I haven't. It's only been 2 days since I last took a hit, but I've come to the decision that I have no choice but to quit. My life has completely gone down the drain. I'm almost 19 years old and I have Nothing to show for it. I don't have a job, I didn't finish school, I still live at home, and depression seems to overwhelm me all the time. For a while I've been in search of ways to deal with my addiction, and like I said before, for a while I didn't even think I had a problem. But I suppose getting high all day, driving under the influence, losing everything I've worked my behind off to get, friendships out the window, relationships with my family out the window, more importantly my relationship with GOD. Yeah I think I do have a problem.

For me that was the hardest part, admitting that I actually do have a problem. I'm guessing it's that way for alot of other people too. But I've hit rock bottom. I can't get any lower then I am at this point. And it hurts so bad knowing that I let myself get like this, that I let a simple drug mold my life into what it is today. But that just makes me strive to change so much more. I've seen brighter days, I've been happy and drug-free, I know for a fact it's possible. I've done it, I've sobered up before, I just fall back in.

But I've made a vow to myself, the people I love, and GOD, that I will overcome this addiction. It won't follow behind me, it won't linger in the air, it will just be a part of my past that I learned from. I'm strong enough to do it. Anyone can do it, it's just a matter of finding your balance in life, what makes you happy. For me that balance is GOD, and I know that with Him all things are possible.

sex,drugs,and achohol

User-Submitted — Wed, 04 Feb 2009 23:51:57 -0500

i am 15 years old and i am addicted to sex,drugs and acohol.noone knows ahave went to a party and gotten so bout me and my friends. i have gotten so drunk and so hi at parties that i slept with every guy there i tried the 20 day challenge i didnt last 2 i need help i sleerpt with 13 guys this week. i am scared my mom will find out. what do i do.