Butcher Babies has made a name for themselves in heavy music led by Heidi Shepherd’s fearless and arresting vocals, ferocious tones that lead messages about the dark, weird, and real parts of the human experience. “Last December” is a masterclass in what compels fans about Butcher Babies as a song about the experience of having suicidal thoughts.
Heidi opened up to HeartSupport about her history, why music matters to her, and the meaning behind the song “Last December.”
What events inspired “Last December?”
In many ways, Heidi Shepherd could be considered an unlikely lead singer of a metalcore band. Raised Mormon in Utah, she spent the first chapter of her life trying to conform.
“I respect the religion completely. It's not for me. But growing up in it, it was very much like, ‘This is what you do, this is how you live your life, this is your trajectory. There's nothing outside of that. Do not deviate.’ And I was. I was deviating,” Heidi says honestly.
A big part of what led her into the process of self-discovery and empowerment was music.
“I think I felt empowered by the bands that I would listen to and just felt like it gave me a voice,” Heidi recalls. “As I started to develop into my own artist, I started really putting that perspective into my own music. That is what helped me separate myself and take my own power into my own hands. I hope that someday, if it can touch even one person, my job here is done.”
What is the meaning of the song “Last December?”
Butcher Babies’ music has helped far more than one person: they have become a metalcore mainstay, touring the world and lending listeners the courage to claim their own strength. Ultimately, that relationship has always been reciprocal. Heidi receives from fans some of the same hope she shares.
There is no better example than “Last December.”
“‘Last December’ was written about a moment for me where I didn't feel like I deserved to be here anymore. I didn't feel like I deserved to live anymore,” Heidi says honestly. “It was December of 2019. It was such an out-of-body experience. We had come home from touring ten months out of the year for a decade, and then in 2019, we took most of the year off to write and record. I felt so disconnected from everything that I'd known for ten years. I felt like my sense of purpose started to waver. I don't know what came over me, but truly no one is immune to those thoughts. I was in a really, really incredibly dark place, and I started to have these dreams every single night.”
Heidi’s dream every night were the exact same recurring theme, a startling interruption in the suicidal ideation.
She says, “It was a recurring dream of myself on stage playing a show. And I started to recognize that these dreams — me jumping in the circle pit or seeing people sing along — were our fan base showing up for me when they didn't even know I needed them. To this day, I sing the song every night, but every night it makes me emotional. Our fans don't know it, but they came into my dreams and saved my life.”
In the same way artists once blazed a path for Heidi to find her hope, fans are doing the same thing for her now that she’s an artist, even as she in turn sheds light for them. The result is a beautiful, continuous full circle.
“The music community, since I was a kid until now, has continually always saved my life,” Heidi states.
Ultimately, those dreams helped restore a sense of purpose that is still driving Heidi and Butcher Babies forward, many Decembers later.
“Everybody has something to do. Everybody has a purpose. And it's just about realizing what that is and honing in on it and being like, ‘This is why I'm here. I'm going to give everything I have to it.’ Now when I get to get on stage and sing that song, and I get to explain that story and look out in the crowd and see people reacting and singing along, it is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. I have such a new appreciation for my career, my fan base, the music — not just mine, but everybody's music.”
What is Butcher Babies’s message on mental health right now?
For Heidi, the low times can still come when she’s off the road and disconnected from the life force that is touring and seeing fans face-to-face. Like anybody, she has to practice caring for her mental health on a consistent basis through both the highs and the lows.
“I have to remember that I still have a purpose. And it took a lot for me to get there, but I feel like now, since I've been through that experience and I look at it from an outside lens now, I remember those emotions when I get to get on stage and do these things,” Heidi explains of her time at home. “Whether I'm at home or on the road too, it's an everyday thing. It's an everyday decision to look at the positives. And it's an everyday decision to think, ‘Okay, I deserve to be here. I deserve to be here. There is worth.’”
To hold on to that as an unshakable core belief, Heidi has started taking mental and emotional snapshots to bring home with her.
She explains, “There was a moment we just played in Helsinki, Finland, on the last day of our tour. This beautiful girl, she's a fan-friend of the band. I didn't know this, but she had handed out papers that were signs that said, ‘You make a difference’ to everyone in the crowd. And in the middle of that song, everyone held that up at the same time. I sat there, and I couldn't really finish the song. I tried, but I was like, ‘Nope, that's not happening.’ If I can remember that vision in my head, and every time that I play that song, I stop, and I look out at the crowd, and I see people's faces, and I keep that vision in my head — then I remember that this is what I'm here for.”
Not everyone has the ability to be at concerts as often as Heidi Shepherd. But she wants everyone who hears her to know that they have the exact same worth, the same purpose, and that she is with them in the struggle and the survival.
“You're not alone. I've been there. More people than you can even imagine have been there,” Heidi says about surviving suicidal thoughts. “It's like the degrees of separation: whether you've been through it or someone you know has been through it. More people than you know are standing next to you feeling the same thing. I love you. We love you. The metal family loves you. So stay strong. I want to see you soon. I mean that from the heart.”
If you need support from someone in the music scene, get weekly support by signing up for Support Calls today!
“Last December” by Butcher Babies lyrics
Wasn't sure I’d make it past December
Thought I'd broken all that I could break
I tripped into the dawn of my surrender
I'm so glad you didn’t last December
I thank god you didn't last DecemberEvery night I dream of you
Then you're not so far away
I try to die to be with you
I breathe in black out, and start to fade
I put on a smile so they won't discover
A cut so deep I know I won't recover
Burns so cold, losing all controlWasn't sure I'd make it past December
Thought I'd broken all that I could break
I tripped into the dawn of my surrender
I’m so glad you didn’t last December
I thank god you didn't last DecemberMaybe I’m just not enough
Maybe things will never change
Maybe just a little blood
To let them know I'm not OK
I can't remember if there's words unspoken
I can’t remember 'cause my heart is frozen
Paralyzed by the ice insideWasn't sure I'd make it past December
Thought I'd broken all that I could break
I tripped into the dawn of my surrender
I'm so glad you didn't last December
And I'm gonna still make it last December
December
December
December
